Mid 40s Late Miscarriage due to Negligence

[Monkhouse2022]

I suffered a late miscarriage at 17weeks + 2 days just 2 weeks ago. I am absolutely devastated and heartbroken. This was my last chance to get pregnant as I am in my mid-forties.
I took all the right supplements for over a year, led active lifestyle with balanced diet to ensure I conceived naturally which I did. I beat all the odds for a woman of my age to conceive naturally and to go into 2nd trimester only to lose my girl and give birth to her. I had such a traumatic exp from the very start to the end with the hospital. What pains me the most I did NOT lose her through natural cause but due to hospital negligence for never considering me a high risk pregnancy and not getting right treatment on time even when I requested. I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t even grief properly I am so angry with the hospital. I will never be able to conceive again but more importantly I want my little girl back. We wanted her so much. I did everything in my power to keep her safe but I failed her miserably… I let her down ‘mummy didn’t try hard enough or speak up or research enough’. I hate myself for this.

I can’t get that image out of my head when I got chance to see her after I delivered her. I miss you my little angel.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Have you been offered any counselling?

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl

Thankyou @Blixem I was told there was a 5 week wait for counselling. I keep going over and over in my head where I should have done things differently ie gone to another hospital.
Thankyou @Christinatheastonishing

You poor thing, I can't imagine what you are going through. Have you tried contacting the miscarriage association or Tommys? They may be able to help.

@Blixem I contacted miscarriage association last week crying my eyes out. The lady on the other end of the phone was a good listener but I just wanted answers. Today I would have been 20 weeks I had my scan booked this week too. I am so hurt.

Hi, so sorry for your loss. You must be devastated beyond belief. I have been through something similar and it feels like you are in a living nightmare doesn't it?
What do you think the hospital could have done differently? More scans, more monitoring?
I lost my baby at nearly 21 weeks due to cervical incompetence at 39. I also thought it was my last chance but I became pregnant 4 months later and then had a second at 43. I was told I had less than 5% chance of getting pregnant but with the right supplements I did, 3 times.
I feel so much for you at the moment but what you are going through is tragic and you need to take time to process that. Please have counselling when offered, I didn't and I regret it.
You need to try and outline why you think the hospital is negligent. I think mine was too but I decided to move on as it was too hard to relive but I wish I had investigated more.
Sorry for the long message but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my twins at 13 weeks aged 40 in the first lockdown. Your situation is worse, but I feel that I can empathise a bit.
What do you feel that the hospital should have done differently? Perhaps you should write a letter, detailing this? Whether or not you get a helpful response, it will feel like you have taken action.
After my miscarriage, I tortured myself for months thinking of things I did ‘wrong’ but have accepted now that it was not my fault.
Do talk to trusted friends about your feelings and give yourself time. You won’t ever just ‘get over’ this, but it does become easier to live with. I set aside times when I let myself think about my babies and be sad now rather than feeling that constant grief that I felt at the beginning.
Do you have other children? How is your partner coping?
Sending love.

@Harveyrabbit76 I am sorry for your sad loss.
It was discovered I had a short cervix and I was put on double dose progesterone. My cervix went down by 16mm in 4 weeks even after being on progesterone, so I asked for a cerclage stitch and hospital refused and told me there was nothing they could do. I had to fight for a stitch and when I did get stitch they said my cervix was open with membranes bulging out. Anyway thereafter it was a catalogue of errors forgetting to put catheter in place after a spinal injection which resulted in having a full bladder - urinary retention which would have caused an infection, not giving anti-biotics for infection, no ultrasound to check baby, no close monitoring, no urine sample the list is endless.
Pleased to hear you have had successful pregnancy afterwards. How did you find strength to carry on. I already have had several mcs prior but they were at earlt stages. This was the hardest physically, mentally and emotionally!!!!

@Chickoletta so sorry to hear about your twins.
I do have one DS who is 2 and I wanted him to have another sibling. I know I should be grateful to even have the one child but all I ever wanted was to have lots of children. I didn’t meet my partner till later in life. He has been a truely wonderful support and I should be grateful for what I have but the loss of my baby girl is unbearable and I can’t grieve properly esp in front of DS. I keep torturing myself where I went wrong. I am sorry for being a blubbering mess but I really do feel at a loss.

Hey, I literally got a shiver reading your answer. Almost exactly what happened to me but I didn't realise I had a short cervix.
Firstly, it sounds like your hospital was majorly incompetent, there is always avenues to try re cervix. It sounds like they messed up all the procedures too. Write as much down as possible. I know it's hard and tempting to bury your head in the sand but it will be useful.
I went into hospital and apparently my membranes were bulging, I waited two days to see a consultant as it was the weekend! I then had an epidural to see if they could putting a stitch but it was too far gone.
Next time I saw a private consultant who put in a shrirodkhar stitch for both. It was successful, much more so than offered by the NHS. NHS were still trying to make me have natural births though, pretty dangerous!
Trying for another baby was the hardest thing ever, I have so much guilt and it still hangs over me now. However, I have 2 lovely children and am thankful.
I have faith that you could get pregnant again, but it's getting to the stage of wanting to try again which is difficult. Wishing you all the best xxx

Remember though that this not your fault, please be kind to yourself. That was the best advice I received. Take some nature walks, meditate, eat nice food xx

@Harveyrabbit76 I have already put a complaint but it will take upto 3 months for report to come back.
Thankyou for your advice, will try follow but its so so hard

It's very hard, I won't deny it. Time will help but the sense of injustice never quite goes? My thoughts are with you x

Thankyou all for your kind words x
Hardest part is yet to come with her funeral later this week.

I am sorry for your loss. This wasn’t your fault.

Hopefully the responses from others here may go someway to connecting with you.

During my miscarriage, a person on here comforted me by saying ‘you have an army of women behind you’. Please know you aren’t alone and my thoughts are with you at this most difficult time x

@Kappi thankyou it does help when I get support like this but what is non-relatable is the fact many go on to have a healthy pregnancy (Im not saying a loss can ever be replaced) so its almost like there is light at end of tunnel for them but not for me. I am yearning for my little girl. I want her back. I will never understand why she got taken away from me. 4 days before I lost her I finally felt her kick it was like she was crying out for help and I did not help her 😢
I can’t get out of this rut of blaming myself.

I can understand what you’re saying about continuing on to a full term pregnancy, it’s often what many women use as hope to continue forward. In your case, I can see how that may bring loneliness rather than comfort.

There aren’t words at times like this. Nothing comes close to encapsulating the love you feel for your little girl, today and always xx

You should find a solicitor and start a medical malpractice claim.

So sorry for this loss. Don't give up trying.

@Kappi thankyou
@mathanxiety I will start legal proceedings but waiting on report from hospital. No matter what the results are Im hurting for my loss. Hospital just don’t realise the massive impact their (non) actions has on an individual. Its only been 3 weeks since losing her so very much raw. This week would have been my 20wk scan, it is then I was going to share with my friends and extended family that I was pregnant. Instead I had to tell them in one sentence I was pregnant but lost my baby girl at 17weeks.

When I asked about your partner and other child, I wasn’t suggesting that you should be grateful for what you have, simply checking that you have people around you. My partner was also wonderfully supportive but I was always aware that this was his loss too and that he was also grieving. For me, I grieved with him but also found it helpful to talk to my best friend. He was obviously devastated for me, but at a slight remove from the situation and was a real rock.

You are right that for many people it is the hope of another pregnancy that pulls them through this. Unfortunately, I went on to have 2 more early miscarriages over the next 6 months and we agreed to stop trying. This does make it hard, there will be no ‘rainbow baby’, but I have come to terms with this and am focusing on my other children, work and other adventures.

The funeral will be hard but also a chance to say goodbye.

As a PP wisely said, there is a whole army of women metaphorically holding your hand through all of this. Keep talking to us here if it helps.

@Chickoletta I know, I was trying to think positive within myself that I have a great partner and a beautiful boy.
I am pleased that I have support from you women, it means alot and I hope you can help me get through this. I don’t want to fall into a spiral of depression. My Bereavemnt Officer already mentioned that I go see my gp for meds but I want to avoid. Im still recovering from the 3 spinal injections I had within 2 weeks.

Dear OP am so sorry for the loss of your daughter this is so devastating. It really is incredibly sad and of course you will be going over in your head what could have been done differently. Please do not blame urself you were under the care of "professionals" who were supposed to be the ones making the decisions in regards to your pregnancy care. You are not a Dr or midwife or have the knowledge of what that care should have been given so please do not put any expectation on yourself that you should have or could have done anything any differently.

I understand what you are going through on various levels and wanted to share my story with everyone. Firstly I just had a d&c last weekend following a MMC at 10 weeks and 5 days this was just 9 days after loosing my beautiful dog of 13 and a half years. Gutted beyond belief. Am 44 years old and feel that this was the last ever chance for me. I had another miscarriage 2 years ago and it has taken this long to get pregnant again. Am mind just frozen in how to proceed from here. What do I do next I have no idea?

In regards to your medical care or lack of appropriate care you could (when you are ready) seek legal advice. I lost my lovely mum last year due to medical negligence and am in the process to pursuing legal action. This is a very rough road emotionally but one am determined to see through for my mum's sake as she died at just 66 years old and her death could have been prevented. Like you I tortured myself thinking I could have done more but I stopped doing this to myself eventually and came to realise that the faults lay in the hands of the medical professionals not me.

Please consider if getting in touch with the cruise Breavement helpline they are great and very easy to talk to and helped me a lot after my mum died:

www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/

There is also Sands which I had 1 to 1 counseling with following my 2nd miscarriage at 12 weeks again a MMC this was 10 years ago. I have had 7 pregnancies and am fortunate to have 2 beautiful children but lots of losses and lots of pain and hurt along the way too that is deeply ingrained.

Sands were also really helpful and I plan on getting in touch with them again this week:

www.sands.org.uk/

You don't need to wait weeks to speak to someone you can use the Cruse or the Sands helpline numbers straight away.

You do need to take sometime to heal it takes a long time to process what has happened and you need the right support networks in place to help you. You have a lot to think about but please just take life a day at a time. At the end of each day when you are lying in bed probably wide awake and not able to rest your mind just tell yourself that you managed to get through another day and you will get through the next day too.

Take care.

@Harveyrabbit76

Do you have any advice please on supplements thank you.

I lost a very much wanted baby at 44, I know where you are coming from, it's that feeling of almost being empty & you will never be happy again. It does get better I promise you, I'm 56 now & while I still think that she would be nearly 11 now sometimes, I try to look at the positives, I have a lovely 18 year old who is a kind, caring, thoughtful young man, a brilliant mum who has cared for me so much the last two year while I have been ill. Thinking realistically having an 11 year old now I wouldn't have been able to be the kind of mum I would have wanted to be because of my illness & disabilities & that wouldn't have been fair to her.

Heartbreaking .

Please try not to blame yourself, in no way was it your fault.

You were a wonderful mummy to your LO and always will be.

May she rest in peace xx