I'm a Grandma, am I allowed here?

[AScream]

I hope that I'm allowed here?

DD and SiL lost their son at 35 weeks, nearly 4 weeks ago.
I was always going to be her birth partner, we have always been very close. (SiL would be there too, I was going to be there because she is terrible with pain)!

She had to give birth to him, I'm guessing that you all know that already.
I was there.
He had passed away already, we knew that. He died of a heart problem.

My DH is not her DF though he is close to her too. She has never known her DF.

Since it happened I've been sleeping in the other spare bedroom, because I'm not sleeping well at all

I'm due to start a new job tomorrow, everything is ready. They have held the post open for me for an extra month to get through this.
Except that I am not ready.

The hospital were fantastic, DD and SiL managed ok until it was time to take him away. DD couldn't let him go. In the end we had to gently coax her to let him go. Then she screamed and screamed.
All power to her for letting it out, but that scream? I won't ever forget that as long as I live.

This is not about me, I know that. And I promise that I'm not some sort of grief vampire.

At their request we have all of the baby things here, at our house. In one of the other bedrooms.

I'm in bed now, crying. I can't seem to stop, I am devastated for them both.

They are young and in their brighter moments they remind themselves that they have many years of trying ahead of them, conception doesn't seem to be a problem I'm not insensitive to those for whom it is, as they conceived with her Mirena still intact.

As I say, I'm just devastated. He is so loved.

Apologies if this is the wrong place for me. Apologies if anyone feels angry that I'm just the Grandma.
But I'm still devastated.

[AScream]

Apologies that was so long, I did add paragraphs but they aren't showing up.

[Greensleeves]

I'm so sorry. You must be heartbroken and your experience sounds so, so harrowing. Please don't feel you don't have a right to grieve or to seek comfort and support, here or anywhere else - of course you do.

I'm so sorry about your grandson.

[AScream]

Heartbroken is exactly the word @Greensleeves.
Thank you for being kind ♥️

[Sortilege]

I’m so sorry. That’s an awful thing to live through. It’s a loss to you, of course, and also the immense pain of seeing your daughter in such distress.

It might be an idea to see your GP and/or a counsellor. Possibly one of the baby loss charities would be happy to support a grieving Gran too? You are entitled to your feelings and you need to process them. 💐

[Onceuponatimethen]

I am so sorry that you have seen your poor dd go through this terrible loss and that you have lost your grandson.

I know my parents both really struggled with my missed miscarriage, even though that was discovered at the 12 week scan so relatively early and I had surgical management. I think it was really hard for them to see me grieve and be in pain and they were sad about the loss of what would have been their first grandchild. Your dd and your own loss is much more significant given the late stage of the pregnancy and having to give birth in these dreadful circumstances.

I would say please do keep talking, on here and in RL. Please don’t feel it isn’t in some way ok for you to be upset. It absolutely is normal in my experience for the mother’s parents to really suffer from pregnancy loss.

I hope it won’t always feel as raw for dd and you as it does now, though I know that this kind of loss never completely leaves you

[Mariposista]

So, so sorry OP. What a horrendous thing for you all to go through. Sending you all strength.

[SingingSands]

I'm so sorry OP, you must all be so completely heartbroken. It's ok to grieve your loss, your little grandson was much wanted and so loved. It's ok to grieve for your daughter, no mother would want her child to suffer such a heartbreaking loss.

Sending you a handhold and gentle hugs for tonight

[twoandcooplease]

I am so sorry for the loss of your grandson  this is incredibly heartbreaking and sad for everyone I can only imagine
Does your husband know how hard you are grieving right now? Can he step in a bit and look after you so you are strong enough to look after your dd during this time
I know the work situation is stressful, and hopefully your new employer will be empathetic to your situation and not be too harsh re small mistakes or slow learning considering what is going on
I would definitely suggest that your dh arranges your grandson's things be moved away before you go home too

Please take care of your self. Eat when you can. Sleep when you get a chance. Try and just lie down to rest at times too. You can't help anyone if you are down with exhaustion
Contact the gp if you feel the grief is worsening and you're having a hard time. You lost this baby too, and you were there when he was born. It is definitely normal this may spike some depression for you too

I am so so sorry @AScream and your dd and sil xx

[twoandcooplease]

And exactly the same as MissHavershamReturns
I had a miscarriage found at the 12wk scan and my mum was broken. I could see her trying to be strong for me and I know she cried so much in private for what would have been her first grandchild too. She has a DP who kept her eating so she was strong. She also had to watch me go through an operation and all of the pains afterwards for months. I am incredibly grateful for such a wonderful mum who held me together. I had DP but nothing is the same as having your mum
That was 1st November 2020. In Sept 2021 I delivered her first grandchild who she dotes over

This will not be the end of your family's story op. The future will be brighter xx

Please let dh know so he can care for you

[LouLou198]

This is so sad to read.I can't even imagine what you are feeling, not only the loss of your beautiful grandson but seeing your own daughter go through this. Could you maybe speak with your GP about some bereavement counselling? So sorry for your loss

[Ziga]

I’m so so sorry to hear this OP. Of course you can grieve and feel the weight of the loss of your grandson. Sending you and your DD and SiL strength

[JaneJeffer]

I'm sorry for your loss @AScream

[ladydimitrescu]

I am so, so very sorry for your loss.
Your Dd is lucky to have you, you sound so wonderful. My heart is absolutely breaking for you all, I can feel your pain in your words.
Sending so much love to you

[Purple444]

I am so sorry for the loss of your grandson. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to see your daughter go through such a distressing experience.

Sending you a hug.

[AirGirl]

I'm so sorry for your great loss. I can't imagine what you have all gone through. No one can expect you to be okay or through it. There is not much I can say but I'm sending love and praying for peace for you all. God will bless you. Stay strong and each other close. Xxx

[mellongoose]

I'm sorry for your loss.

We lost our second and final baby at 21 weeks and I too had to deliver. My mum (at her request) came to see her little granddaughter.

Although DH had been with me when I delivered he couldn't bring himself to meet her. It was too upsetting for him. I did that by myself.

So when mum met her a couple of days later it was so special. She still mentions it now. I will never forget it.

My point is that this is your loss too. On top of that you have seen your own baby suffering in the most desperate way.

Please be kind to yourself x

[ChateauMargaux]

Well done for reaching out and acknowledging your pain. Seek support for yourself in whatever way makes sense to you... bereavement counselling, GP visit for sleeping tablets or antidepressants, spiritual support, body work or whatever else usually works when you need support.

If you can, support your body in this process, magnesium can help with grief, nourish your body so that you can heal your heart (chicken soup, greens, warm spicy teas), move, take in the sunlight, hug your loved ones.

Bach Flowers and Homeopathy can also help.

[SpaceMaaaaan]

I'm so so sorry

[AScream]

I'm blown away by your kindness everyone, I thought that I would get a hard time because I'm just the Grandma.

It means a lot that you have taken the time to post. Thank you so much.

My new job is going ok. Without giving too much away and trying desperately not to sound pompous I've got the kind of job where you go in, you don't know the detail, but you know the outline of what is expected of you in a day. When I get there I get into character. The management know, but my team don't. I'm not sure whether it helps to tell them or not.

Yes, work takes my mind off of it, then a thought will flash through. It's like being punched in the solar plexus. I feel like I could double over with the pain.

I'm still heartbroken. I'm dazed too, the daze are hazy, the pain overwhelming. Every day I just trying to get through it, putting one foot in front of the other.

DH is good at feeding me and doing the household chores. I'm distant from him, I don't want to be close, I'm in this theoretical pain-cave, he is my link to the outside world.

My GP has given me Diazepam, when I go next week she is going to swap the Diazepam for Zopiclone. DH came with him, he said that (at that time) I hadn't slept for more than 3 days. I realised that DH was right.

I'm sorry that this is long and self-indulgent too, but it's helping somehow, just typing it out.

[AScream]

It also doesn't make sense in some places!
I hope you can work it out.

[Butterfly44]

You're not "just a grandma". You're family and what you have been through is traumatic and you are grieving too. I absolutely feel for you. It's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. What comes through also is what a warm kind person you are and I'm absolutely certain your daughter is thankful to have you x

[MrsC2018]

I lost my baby boy 6 weeks ago and when I came home from the hospital having delivered him, my dad was at mine looking after my little girl and it's the only time in my life I've seen him cry.

Baby loss is truly devastating as a mum, nothing can prepare you for leaving the labour ward without a baby, but my husband and I have talked about how we just pray our daughter never has to face this. I guess you're not only grieving for your grandson, you're also grieving for what your daughter has lost.

I was given amitryptaline to sleep and found it very helpful as an alternative to benzos/zopiclone

[numberthirtytwowindsorgardens]

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. You don't sound like a grief vampire at all. Your daughter is lucky to have you.

Do take care of your body, even when you don't feel like it - eat, rest, get some gentle outdoor exercise. Fake it till you make it.

Thinking of you and your family

[Youseethethingis1]

My mum was with me when I gave birth to my stillborn son at 33 weeks. I was extremely ill at the time and his little body just couldn't take it. He was absolutely perfect in every way. It was my stupid treacherous body that killed him.
I'm pretty sure I made some horrendous noises that my mum will never forget, too.
I feel dreadful for what I put her through that night. She could not make things right for me any more than I could make things right for my son. As a mother there's nothing more shattering in the world than that. Nothing.
There isn't anything "just" about you or your grief, OP. Please, please please believe us. This is important.
You are grieving your grandson, but also the life your beloved child had before her beloved child was taken from her in this horrendous way.

[twoandcooplease]

Hi @AScream how are you doing his week?
How has work been? Thinking of you x