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Missed Miscarriage-an acknowledgment
46

Tryingmybest345 · 03/03/2022 14:28

Hi, so I’m not writing this for any other reason than to say it so perhaps my head will acknowledge what is happening because at the moment I feel like I’m here but I’m not here if that makes sense.
In January I discovered I was pregnant after 13 months of trying for a very much wanted and hoped for second child. As you can imagine we were delighted and as you know no matter how hard you try not to your mind immediately runs away with itself making plans, building hopes and dreams but we wanted to be cautious as we did realise that it doesn’t always work out so for the last 9 weeks we’ve had our very own happy little secret.
We decided that an early private scan might be nice- given 12 weeks is such a long time to wait and considering we’d waited so long to conceive the reassurance would’ve been welcome. I felt quietly confident given I’d had all the symptoms, nausea, fatigue, sore boobs- you know the drill. So on Monday we attended the scan at 9 weeks pregnant. I knew from the moment the lady struggled to find anything for a second that something wasn’t right. She settled upon a circle with a small dot to one side and then came the- could you have your dates wrong?- after trying for over a year I knew without a doubt what my dates were. My poor husband was a bit more curious at this point but I’m sure he didn’t understand what that meant. I seemed to go into some sort of autopilot, robotic type state. Where I heard her say that baby looked to be measuring 5 weeks and if I was 9 then there should’ve been a heartbeat but she couldn’t even see one flickering. I think I was in total shock. I wiped off the gel, got up and went to the loo (needed a full bladder for scan) and just burst out crying. When I got back, thankfully I think the sonographer must have explained things more fully to my husband whilst I’d been gone as he now realised why I was so upset, although still in disbelief! I’d felt so pregnant and then I felt so stupid for feeling so pregnant when our baby hadn’t been alive for over a month. We’d been to the scan place before with our DS and I knew the sonographer was a registered midwife so there was little doubt in my mind that what she had seen and told us was true. She told me to speak to the EPU and when I finally composed myself enough to do so I gave them a call. They booked me in for a scan the next day. By this point not even work knew. I had a new boss that I’d known a matter of weeks but I am thankful that she was a woman after a string of pretty useless men. It made it slightly easier to feel so vulnerable. I plucked up the courage to phone her and explain I wouldn’t be in the next day and why and she was very sympathetic. We headed to the scan where they told me because of guidelines they couldn’t confirm there and then and I had to return next week for another scan. The lady asked if I had any questions and I think part of me just had heard all I needed (I felt strangely relieved for a little while) and I just wanted to leave. It’s only since I’ve had time to think on it that I’ve realised I don’t know what happens now? What should I expect between now and then? Could I miscarry anytime? What does that even mean? Now I have so many questions but am in some weird limbo land where I’m not sure how to feel! I’ve done some research online and to be honest it all sounds pretty horrendous and I’m frightened of what comes next but at the same time I just want to be done with it all so I can move on. I’m all over the place, my husband has been brilliant. He’s taken the last few days off work just so we can be together and we’ve been out and about. As a distraction I guess which he at least got me out of bed in a morning otherwise I think I’d just stay there all day and cry. I am so absolutely gutted. The sadness is engulfing and I’m scared that should I ever be lucky enough to fall pregnant again it will be forever tainted by this and what if it happens again? So many thoughts and feelings. Sorry to ramble my head is all over and the waves of grief just keep coming over me. I’ve not told friends or family still. I don’t know the words to say. Part of me feels a bit embarrassed-I’m not sure why. One of my closest friends is currently pregnant, it was painful enough to hear that when we were still struggling to conceive but now it hurts even more because I’d got excited to tell her that our babies would be 3 months apart and we’d be able to spend some days together on maternity leave and now that’s all gone. Of course I am delighted for her. Just so very sad for me and to top it off I still feel so pregnant, the nausea is awful. I’d tolerate it for the sake of my baby but sadly I know there won’t be one now and I just want it to stop I feel so rubbish for no good reason it feels.

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Wisemensay · 03/03/2022 14:33

I'm so sorry OP. I lost 3 babies in the space of 12 months and with one my best friend was due the same week. It was really hard but the best advice I can give is to tell people in real life. Be honest about how you feel and take time off work if you work to process it physically at least.

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Tryingmybest345 · 03/03/2022 15:02

I can’t imagine how painful that must have been. I’m so sorry and so sad we find ourselves here. Thank you for your response. Part of me feels silly for feeling as I do as baby had barely made it that far but on the other hand it was all the thoughts, hopes, plans that comes with the positive test-especially after trying so long. I was supposed to be having my booking in appointment today. I was excited, it felt like it was officially the start of the pregnancy if that makes sense. Now all the milestones that come after will be so sad x

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Ellie5341 · 04/03/2022 09:09

@Tryingmybest345 I could have written your op myself.
I get it totally.

Stupidly I was even having a sneaky peek at baby things and names and working out in my head how I'd manage a new baby with my dc.

I think you need to do what's right for you. If that's staying in bed crying, do it- let it out. Take time off work to process what's happened and don't feel you need to hide this if you don't want to. Initially I didn't tell work but had to in the end as I was a mess and for me I feel that bit stronger for them knowing, so I can have their support if I want it.

One friend of mine is pregnant too and we had planned to spend maternity leave together. Another 2 friends are ttc and 1 will be ttc later in the year. 4 have recently had babies. There are babies everywhere.

I hope to ttc again but the time it took to be pregnant part of me feels there's no point. It takes so much emotion.

I have found there's an understanding bond between women who have experienced this.


@Wisemensay sorry for your experiences.
Have you carried on ttc?

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Tryingmybest345 · 04/03/2022 10:00

@Ellie5341 I think you are right, it’s a sad club to be in but there’s some comfort in knowing there are others that understand where my head is right now. I’m sorry for your loss too. Do your friends know? At first I felt like I just needed to see some of them
In person to explain, now I’m not sure whether a text would be easier but it feels a bit wrong sharing such personal news that way. I’m also conscious it’s the weekend and my pregnant friend is going on a much deserved girls weekend away which she is a bit anxious about anyway and so I don’t want to ruin anyones mood! It feels a bit self indulgent? My feelings are mad and make no sense to me! Today I’m just a bit numb to it, like it’s not really happening but I know it is

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Ellie5341 · 04/03/2022 10:27

Yea I get what you mean.

With my friends, the closest knew / know as we had been ttc for so long.
I had told them I was pregnant and they knew I was referred to the EPU for a scan so they were messaging to ask. For me it was easier to write the 1 message and send it to them all. They were all really supportive just by messages. I couldn't meet them as I would have fallen apart and having my child with me I needed to hold it together. I told my boss face to face as dc was at school and I broke down completely. My boss shared with my colleges as I couldn't face them.

I get what you mean about your pregnant friend- I suppose it's about how close you are? Have you got others you can turn to for support? Do you want to see them f2f?
You are hurting so I think it's ok to do what you need for yourself. Support will get you through this and there's no right/ wrong way.

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Tryingmybest345 · 04/03/2022 10:51

We are close and I know she’ll be gutted for me and mad that I haven’t said anything sooner but I want her to enjoy her weekend and I’m frightened to make her worry about her own pregnancy. Thinking about it I could barely get the words out to my boss on the phone so I don’t know how I think I’m going to sit down with anyone in person but it just felt more like the right thing to do, especially with my two closest friends. They are a good bunch though and I know they’ll be so supportive but maybe I’m just feeling like if I don’t say anything it’s not as real yet?! Probably not healthy! But then a part of me is maybe waiting for the confirmation next week although I know exactly that’s what it will be!

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Mancbear88 · 04/03/2022 11:04

@Tryingmybest345 my first pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage at my 12 week scan. Like you I had no idea at all that anything was wrong. Odds are very much in your favour that next time you’ll be ok. However pregnancy after loss is hard.

I’ve gone on to have another 3 miscarriages but the shock from that first one was by far the most traumatic and I suffered from flashbacks of being in the scan room for months. I also struggled with separation anxiety, and was terrified something would happen to my husband.

Mine was IVF so they were sure of the dates so I didn’t have to wait but once it’s confirmed you’ll probably have three options:
Medical management
Surgical management
Natural management

It’s an individual choice, my recommendation would be the surgery but that’s because the medical management didn’t work for me, but there’s pros and cons for each.

Make sure you have the support you need. If that’s telling no one in real life and is right for you that’s ok. I text one of my best mates and said this has happened I don’t want sympathy send me funny memes. Just do what gets you through. There’s forums like this and tommys fb group that are really supportive.


We went away just because I was so sad and needed a break.

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Tryingmybest345 · 04/03/2022 11:12

@Mancbear88 thank you for sharing that with me and my sympathies on your losses. I can only imagine how hard that is to deal with. I’m definitely in a strange headspace today. Just going through the motions. I’m working from home as I thought it would be a distraction but truth is I’m not really doing much and it’s quiet work wise anyway. Just before all this Id told my new boss how much I hated the job and wanted to move as soon as possible. Was going to apply for a few temp promotions thinking I could do something different and bide my time until maternity. Needless to say none of that’s happening now. Not that it matters, I’ve learned over the past couple of years how much work really doesn’t matter at the cost of your health so I’m sure they’ll carry on alright without me for a while!

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WhatsWithAllTheCarrots · 04/03/2022 11:27

Hi OP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks a few years back - baby was measuring 6 weeks on the scan. Like you, I wanted information about what to expect next and the hospital guidelines meant that they wouldn't tell me anything, just insisted I had to go away for a week and then come back to see if the baby had grown. I knew it wouldn't grow; I knew what my dates were.

I also turned to mumsnet - my old thread (under a different name) is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/3222025-Just-started-miscarrying-at-9-weeks-What-to-expect - be warned, I included a lot of detailed description of what the miscarriage was like because I wanted to help anyone else looking for similar information.

Do have a look at the Miscarriage Association for ideas of what to expect. If you do start bleeding, be aware that if your bleeding fills more than one super sanitary towel (I ended up using maternity towels) in an hour for more than two hours, you need to call a GP for advice. (I ended up having to call the GP, who said to monitor it and call back if it continued - luckily for me it slowed.)

When I went back to hospital for the follow-up scan the next week, they confirmed that I had completely miscarried. And then gave me a leaflet which included information on what to expect when you are miscarrying. I was SO cross and I did tell the (very lovely) sonographer that it would have been much more helfpul to have that leaflet the week before when I had asked for it, rather than having to turn to mumsnet for help...

Best of luck. I was pregnant again within six weeks by the way - and now have a lovely little pre-schooler xx

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Tryingmybest345 · 04/03/2022 11:45

@WhatsWithAllTheCarrots oh that’s made me cry. Thank you. I’m so happy you got you’re lovely little rainbow baby. I have had a look at the miscarriage association website. I’m a researcher by nature and it was the first thing I did after the private scan. It’s been helpful and I will be sure to have a read of your thread. Thank you for your kindness x

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WhatsWithAllTheCarrots · 04/03/2022 11:57

I'm exactly the same - research, research, research - equip myself with all possible information because that's how I cope with things. I was deeply frustrated by the hospital's refusal to give me information, and felt like I was being sent away to miscarry (I mean, I had already started bleeding fgs!) with zero support.

The miscarriage itself was a bit of a shock in terms of the amount of blood and tissue that came away, but for me it was not actually painful at all. Some cramping late on, but that was about it. I know other people can have more pain, but for me it really wasn't bad. If you end up having a natural miscarriage rather than a surgically managed one, I would advise that you get yourself stocked up with painkillers and maternity pads, and plan to stay in for a few days - don't push yourself to go out. And take iron supplements afterwards, if you feel a bit weak. I ended up anaemic in my subsequent pregnancy and I'm sure it was because I was a bit iron-deficient after the miscarriage.

My rainbow baby who came along afterwards is sunshine and rainbows - honestly, he's wonderful, and I wouldn't have him had I not miscarried first. I hope yours is waiting for you round the corner

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Ttcfinalbub · 04/03/2022 13:20

So sorry for your loss and we could have been identical

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Tryingmybest345 · 04/03/2022 13:44

Oh that’s sad @Ttcfinalbub. I hope you get your wish soon x

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Bumble44 · 04/03/2022 14:31

Hi lovely, I read this and automatically thought of myself. I too found out that I was pregnant in January (but for me after 16 months, no other children), I should have been 10 weeks when I started bleeding and went for a scan at the hospital the very next day. Similar to you, baby measured smaller - around 7ish weeks. I had to wait a full week before I could be scanned again which did infact confirm a missed miscarriage. I'll not go into full details (unless you want to know my personal experience) but those 7 days were hell for me. I'm still bleeding 17 days later. I did feel really betrayed by the hospital in the way that they didn't prepare me for what was to come but I do understand that they had to double check everything before it could be confirmed - even though of course I was very certain of my dates! Hoping we both have our rainbows sometime soon 🌈

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Tryingmybest345 · 04/03/2022 14:47

@Bumble44 I’m sorry for your loss. It’s a very very sad time. It’s a strange time for me because my body still has not realised that our baby is gone but my mind knows it has. It’s very discombobulating and today it doesn’t feel real. I’m not sure how to feel!

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kmbegs · 04/03/2022 14:51

I would really recommend "the worst girl gang ever" if you like podcasts, and they have an Instagram too. I'm so sorry for your loss x

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Tryingmybest345 · 04/03/2022 15:02

Thanks @kmbegs I found that a couple of days ago and have had a listen x

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Ellie5341 · 04/03/2022 22:28

@Tryingmybest345 are you off work now?
If not please consider it- definitely after you actually mc you will need time to grieve.

Have you decided anything about your friends yet?

As pp said the hospital for me were also useless with telling me what would happen if I Mc at home saying 'you may start bleeding' that was it. Only when researching did I then find out the process of a natural mc.
I read the tablets are similar.
Like pp I chose the surgical option.
However I didn't decide until nearer the final scan. Choose at your own pace but any questions myself and pp I'm sure will help.

It's so crap.

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Tryingmybest345 · 04/03/2022 22:38

@Ellie5341 I have taken a few days off but decided to work from home in between today and the scan next week. Dependant on what happens and when I will then have some time off I imagine there won’t be much choice in that anyway! I have a message written to my friends. I’m hesitant to send it just yet. Don’t want put a downer on their weekend. I also can’t decide if I feel silly for saying anything. It’s started to feel trivial this in between time although I know it’s absolutely not. Just feel a bit stuck and not sure how to handle things. I’m very frightened about what’s to come, like if it starts on it’s own before the scan how painful is it going to be, will I cope? Given the length of time my body’s held on I’m leaning towards surgical being the best option but I’m scared of the risks to any future pregnancy should I ever be lucky enough again. There are so many what ifs!

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Mancbear88 · 05/03/2022 07:47

@Tryingmybest345 if you can I’d send someone out or pop out and get paracetamol a hot water bottle and pads just in case. With my natural miscarriages there was pain but with a hot water bottle it wasn’t unbearable. Maybe get some chocolate too!

I found that my friends were great, and a number of them had had their own losses, they wouldn’t want you to go through something alone if you need support, but tell them at your own pace.
My advice is that this is about you, consider other people less. I worried about other peoples feelings too much.

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Tryingmybest345 · 05/03/2022 08:36

@Mancbear88 check check check. Went out yesterday for supplies. Chocolate has been and gone! Grin
Thanks for the advice. I’m sure they’ll be great I think it’s just the part of my holding off telling them because it makes it more real.

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Claire73698 · 05/03/2022 18:53

@WhatsWithAllTheCarrots totally agree with you on the information leaflet, would have been great during the process and a little late when I got mine too! X x

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TheDaydreamBelievers · 08/03/2022 07:26

What should I expect between now and then? Could I miscarry anytime? What does that even mean?

If your body starts the process naturally you will have bleeding, cramping, possibly something that feels like contractions. You may pass clots and at 5 weeks size may see that round sac but not something that looks like a baby. You may be lucky and have something more like a heavy period. Unfortunately, your body may not start naturally at all. You will continue to "feel" pregnant as HCG is still rising in your body as you body does not realise the pregnancy isn't working out.

Medical management would use medication to induce the misscarriage. It would be similar to the above. However, for some medication does nothing or does a bit but not totally.

Surgery can be painful under local anesthesia which they would likely do for a 5 week gestation. I was 11 week gestation so was under general.

All have a risk that they don't completely work and you need to have it redone or something else done. That risk is higher for natural and lowest for surgery. All have similar (low) risk of infection, as does missed stage so watch out for flu symptoms, smelly discharge, fever.

Let me know if I can answer any other Qs. I'm sorry this is happening to you @Tryingmybest345 x

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Tryingmybest345 · 08/03/2022 07:34

Thank you @TheDaydreamBelievers that’s really helpful, I’m back at the hospital tomorrow where I’m sure I’ll have to make a decision. I’m leaning towards surgery just to get it over with as quickly as possible at 10 weeks I feel it’s dragged on long enough x

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MovinOnUp · 08/03/2022 07:55

Ah love, I've been here, three times unfortunately.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
My recommendation would be for surgical management,for me I just wanted to get that part over as quickly as possible and start recovering.

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