Missed Miscarriage-an acknowledgment

[Tryingmybest345]

Hi, so I’m not writing this for any other reason than to say it so perhaps my head will acknowledge what is happening because at the moment I feel like I’m here but I’m not here if that makes sense.
In January I discovered I was pregnant after 13 months of trying for a very much wanted and hoped for second child. As you can imagine we were delighted and as you know no matter how hard you try not to your mind immediately runs away with itself making plans, building hopes and dreams but we wanted to be cautious as we did realise that it doesn’t always work out so for the last 9 weeks we’ve had our very own happy little secret.
We decided that an early private scan might be nice- given 12 weeks is such a long time to wait and considering we’d waited so long to conceive the reassurance would’ve been welcome. I felt quietly confident given I’d had all the symptoms, nausea, fatigue, sore boobs- you know the drill. So on Monday we attended the scan at 9 weeks pregnant. I knew from the moment the lady struggled to find anything for a second that something wasn’t right. She settled upon a circle with a small dot to one side and then came the- could you have your dates wrong?- after trying for over a year I knew without a doubt what my dates were. My poor husband was a bit more curious at this point but I’m sure he didn’t understand what that meant. I seemed to go into some sort of autopilot, robotic type state. Where I heard her say that baby looked to be measuring 5 weeks and if I was 9 then there should’ve been a heartbeat but she couldn’t even see one flickering. I think I was in total shock. I wiped off the gel, got up and went to the loo (needed a full bladder for scan) and just burst out crying. When I got back, thankfully I think the sonographer must have explained things more fully to my husband whilst I’d been gone as he now realised why I was so upset, although still in disbelief! I’d felt so pregnant and then I felt so stupid for feeling so pregnant when our baby hadn’t been alive for over a month. We’d been to the scan place before with our DS and I knew the sonographer was a registered midwife so there was little doubt in my mind that what she had seen and told us was true. She told me to speak to the EPU and when I finally composed myself enough to do so I gave them a call. They booked me in for a scan the next day. By this point not even work knew. I had a new boss that I’d known a matter of weeks but I am thankful that she was a woman after a string of pretty useless men. It made it slightly easier to feel so vulnerable. I plucked up the courage to phone her and explain I wouldn’t be in the next day and why and she was very sympathetic. We headed to the scan where they told me because of guidelines they couldn’t confirm there and then and I had to return next week for another scan. The lady asked if I had any questions and I think part of me just had heard all I needed (I felt strangely relieved for a little while) and I just wanted to leave. It’s only since I’ve had time to think on it that I’ve realised I don’t know what happens now? What should I expect between now and then? Could I miscarry anytime? What does that even mean? Now I have so many questions but am in some weird limbo land where I’m not sure how to feel! I’ve done some research online and to be honest it all sounds pretty horrendous and I’m frightened of what comes next but at the same time I just want to be done with it all so I can move on. I’m all over the place, my husband has been brilliant. He’s taken the last few days off work just so we can be together and we’ve been out and about. As a distraction I guess which he at least got me out of bed in a morning otherwise I think I’d just stay there all day and cry. I am so absolutely gutted. The sadness is engulfing and I’m scared that should I ever be lucky enough to fall pregnant again it will be forever tainted by this and what if it happens again? So many thoughts and feelings. Sorry to ramble my head is all over and the waves of grief just keep coming over me. I’ve not told friends or family still. I don’t know the words to say. Part of me feels a bit embarrassed-I’m not sure why. One of my closest friends is currently pregnant, it was painful enough to hear that when we were still struggling to conceive but now it hurts even more because I’d got excited to tell her that our babies would be 3 months apart and we’d be able to spend some days together on maternity leave and now that’s all gone. Of course I am delighted for her. Just so very sad for me and to top it off I still feel so pregnant, the nausea is awful. I’d tolerate it for the sake of my baby but sadly I know there won’t be one now and I just want it to stop I feel so rubbish for no good reason it feels.

[Tryingmybest345]

@MovinOnUp I’m sorry for your losses. You are a very strong woman, this is so hard. I think that’s where I’m at too. There’s already been so much limbo.

[Yellowdott]

Hi OP, how are you doing?

I had the exact same thing happen and my second scan today confirmed the missed miscarriage. Been at hospital all day waiting for them to give me the pills and now waiting for them to be absorbed.

Hope you are okay

[Tryingmybest345]

@Yellowdott bless you. There are no words, it’s just so shit. I hope you’re doing ok and this passes as quickly and painlessly as possible. I’m ok, it’s been a tough week and the limbo hasn’t helped. Just want to move on to this next part and get it done as quickly as possible as I feel I probably haven’t even begun to deal with it all just yet. My friends and family now know. It was so hard to tell them and in a way I felt very exposed and a bit vulnerable after. It’s such a personal thing to have happened. Tonight I am utterly exhausted don’t know what’s going on but I’ve barely done anything all day, my energy is zapped! X

[Yellowdott]

It is so shit, isn't it? Glad you managed to tell family and friends. Hope they offer all the support you need.

I had only told very few people I was pregnant but for some reason find it very easy to tell people about my miscarriage. It makes me feel like the lost pregnancy mattered in a way.

Have you decided what management you'll have?

If it helps at all, I started bleeding heavily 2 hours after the tablets were inserted. It's painful and I'm having contractions similar to the start of labour, but it's actually way way less painful than my usual periods.

Passing lots of clots so hoping it won't take too many days for it to be over.

Wishing you all the best and look after yourself xx

[StayHopeful]

Hi everyone, glad to have stumbled upon this thread. We had been TTC for a year and my GP was in the process of referring me to infertility when I found out I was pregnant. At about 8 weeks I started to feel like something wasn't quite right and I had an early scan at 8+5 which found no heart beat and baby only measuring about 7 weeks (this was 2 weeks ago tomorrow). Had this confirmed with 2 more scans at EPU a week apart which said measuring a bit bigger more like 8 weeks but definitely no heart beat. I wanted to avoid surgery but it went on so long I psyched myself up to go in today for bloods to have d&c tomorrow, but when I got there I found the prospect of having to go in on my own for a general anaesthetic just so overwhelming and terrifying I broke down and decided to wait a few more days. I've had cramps on and off for at least a week but no bleeding. I just feel so lost, I want it to be over but I'm so worried about something going wrong with a d&c and being alone 😔

[Tryingmybest345]

@StayHopeful glad you found us too and I’m sorry for your loss. It’s a confusing, heartbreaking, terrifying time. I’m booked in for surgical management on Wednesday. I found making a decision so hard- what a shitty thing to have to decide upon. I’m frightened for what’s to come but in the end came to the conclusion that medical management is too much of a unknown and not a situation I wanted to purposely put myself in. MVA was off the table and to be honest having read up on it since I’m quite glad it wasn’t an option. That left me with expectant management and surgical and I wanted there to be an end point so that was booked in for as soon as it could be-unfortunately another week for me to wait with the idea that if it happens of its own accord in the meantime then I’ll just have to deal with it! I don’t think I’ve even started to process what’s happening. I can’t believe how drawn out it is and how much limbo I’ve been in which just hasn’t helped to begin any grieving as such. I too am worried about the GA- I’ve never had one before so another unknown but I can’t wait forever and sadly my body so desperately wants to hold onto this baby. I’m not much help but I can absolutely empathise with where you’re at and how you’re feeling right now x

[StayHopeful]

@Tryingmybest345 thanks for your reply, it's comforting to speak to someone in the same position. I am not keen for medical management either, don't even really know why but it's been off the table for me from the start, think I just feel that if I need an intervention may as well have one that's over quickly. I've already been off work for 2 weeks and really talked myself into a d&c this week so I could go back the week after but when the nurse said I'd have to be dropped off at 7, wait 2.5 hours for surgery, then recovery, then 3-4 hours before getting picked up it just seemed overwhelming to me having to go through that alone. I wasn't offered MVA either. But I know even if I miscarried naturally it could be incomplete and have to have a d&c anyway. If I feel braver tomorrow maybe I'll phone and go for bloods. In my hospital they are normally able to do it the next day which is good. There just doesn't seem to be any right answer. So sorry for your loss and hope your surgery goes well xx

[Yellowdott]

@StayHopeful I'm so sorry for your loss

I've heard on here that D&C's are quick and people just go home and feel 'normal-ish' the next day. If you're worried about the general anesthetic, could you opt for local? They call it MVA and the risks of uterine scarring are lower with that - heard it's painful but it only takes 10 minutes. I'd personally do that as it's a short time and you avoid all the risks of GA.

I had medical management, in case that's something you'd consider, last Tuesday and it was okay for the first day, but then the hormonal changes hit me with a deep depression I've never experienced before and I spent days crying in bed. I imagine this would have happened to me with whichever method I chose though.

The pain itself has been horrible the last few days, but not worse than the insane bad periods I had as a teen.

At 7 weeks you may well see the embryo though, and if that's something you may find traumatic, it would be much better for you to have the D&C as you will not see anything. My baby never formed and I only had a sac measuring 5 weeks, and I kept thinking I had passed it but I was wrong. I passed it last night and I had to push it out and it actually was stuck in my vagina for a while because of how much tissue there was around it (despite the sac being very tiny).

So sorry there isn't an easy way out of this. There are lots of threads with people's stories that may help you, but whatever your choice, you're stronger than you think and you'll be well looked after in hospital. You can get through this. Sending love.

[Tryingmybest345]

Been in for my covid swab this morning prior to surgery on Wednesday and I am so overwhelmingly sad. We should’ve been so excited, we should’ve been going for our 12 week scan next week. We should’ve had so much to look forward to and instead I’m back at the hospital on Wednesday and will leave just empty. It’s utterly devastating and I’ve not even got to the worst bit yet! 😔

[Yellowdott]

All the best for your surgery on Wednesday, @Tryingmybest345. It is so devastating.

I feel better about it today, though I had some very dark days last week.

All I can think about now is getting pregnant again... That seems like the only thing that could make things better. But I'm not actually sure it would.

How is the support around you? What I'm struggling with is people don't seem to understand why this is so heartbreaking at all. But my DH has at least been wonderful.

Will be thinking of you on Wednesday

[Tryingmybest345]

Thank you @Yellowdott. I too have thought about getting pregnant again, which seems a bit ridiculous given my current status but can’t help but think forward. It already took us over a year, I have thyroid issues which is also troubling me-it could be the potential reason for this miscarriage but I’ll never know for sure. Worried about getting my levels back on an even keel before trying to get pregnant again. But also so sad, frustrated and angry that I even have to contemplate TTC again and the absolute headfuck that is before you even start on being successful and the worry that then comes with every passing week! It’s all so draining!
My husband has been amazing and my friends are very understanding however none of them have ever gone through this so they can only sympathise up to a point. In a way I feel most comfortable turning to MN as at least I know there are people here who get me-no matter what garbage I spout! X

[StayHopeful]

@Tryingmybest345 it's so hard ☹️ I have told a few friends and family but like you none of them ever had a miscarriage or any issues conceiving quickly so I don't feel like they truly understand. The first two weeks all I could think about like you @Yellowdott was getting pregnant again but now this has dragged on so long and I've got so anxious about surgery etc it's made me think I don't know when I will be ready to potentially put myself through this again. But it took so long the last time I feel like I don't have time to waste even though I am young relatively speaking. I don't know how after this anyone could be anything but anxious for every minute of the first trimester at least. At least once your surgery is over you will be back on the path to get everything regulated out again incase you do want to TTC. Hope you maybe feel a little lighter once it's over x

[Tryingmybest345]

Afternoon ladies, just a little update from me in the hope that it’s helpful for anyone who comes across this thread. I had the ERPC this morning and am currently back home with my family a little jaded but otherwise feeling ok. Went in at 7am, had surgery at 9:30 woke up after what felt like a really good sleep at 10am in recovery. Back to the ward for some lunch and a read of my book, discharged at 1:30. All I could think whilst waiting for my husband was how bloody grateful I am for the NHS and every single person that works there. They have made a traumatic day all the more easy with their professionalism, care and compassion. I barely slept last night for worrying but I needn’t have. It’s all been pretty quick and straightforward thankfully. I didn’t need half the things I took! I would recommend a comfy outfit to go in in, no make up, no jewellery etc a good book, phone and earphones if required. Some maternity/sanitary towels and some comfy knickers for coming home in! And that’s all I’ve really needed. Everything else was in hand with the hospital. They’ve taken great care of me. I couldn’t help but think of all those people in Ukraine. Particularly those in the maternity hospital when it was hit and although I could feel very unlucky for some reasons today I also feel very lucky to be safe and well looked after. Sorry if that’s a ramble just an outlet for my feelings! I hope everyone else is doing ok. I’m thinking of you and thanks for your words of comfort and advice over the last few weeks. It’s been a journey already and I’m sure it’s only really just begun but I feel like today is the start of that next chapter and I’m trying to go into it grateful and positive for all I have. Before I went to theatre this morning I held my tummy and told our baby how much they were loved but that it was ok to go, they stayed as long as they could and I’m just sorry it wasn’t longer and had a little cry. I guess it was my way of saying goodbye and it felt comforting at the time x

[StayHopeful]

Hi everyone, sorry I never posted an update. I ended up having the surgery two weeks ago today. Thought i would share for anyone who finds this thread just like you @Tryingmybest345 . It was of course difficult but the surgery, anaesthetic etc was no where near as bad or scary as I thought and I did feel a huge sense of relief to just have it over with. I did start bleeding before I even got to surgery once I took the misoprostol in the morning and I felt instantly glad I was having the surgery rather than having extremely heavy bleeding ahead of me, I think for me personally that would have been more traumatic (of course for many people this happens naturally with no choice and ironically that's what I had been hoping for!) totally share your emotions on feeling so thankful for the NHS. I had to be admitted the afternoon before because my husband got covid which was really difficult. I had a total wobble about whether or not it was the right thing to do and an amazing nurse gave me brilliant advice and I was so grateful.

Just wanted to see in other peoples experiences how long it took to get a negative pregnancy test? My hospital told me to take one today (two weeks after surgery) and I'm still getting faint positives. I phoned for advice and the nurse said if it was faint and no signs of infection to just do it again in a week and if still positive they'll check my hormone levels. Really hoping it's negative soon so my cycle goes back to normal but from what I've read it can take a long time 😕

[Tryingmybest345]

@StayHopeful I’m glad your experience was also positive. I have to say it’s been quite a ride these last couple of weeks. I’m up and down but mostly down. Just so gutted and with Mothers Day mixed in it made it even more difficult as that’s when I would have been 13 weeks and we would’ve had the scan and had planned to tell family on Mother’s Day. It was a rough day for me. I too am still testing positive two weeks later, I hope by next week they’re negative so I can close this chapter but I’m not holding out much hope. The hormones still seem pretty strong although the symptoms have thankfully disappeared. My skin however is horrendous and I’m walking round like an acne ridden teenager. Never had great skin but this is next level and it’s adding to my misery. Hope you ladies are well x

[StayHopeful]

@Tryingmybest345 I'm the exact same- would have been telling people on Mother's Day too! It was a grim day. Reassuring for me to hear you're also still positive, hard to know how long it will take. When I phoned EPU to say I was still positive the nurse said "don't have unprotected intercourse this week because you could get pregnant very quickly then you won't know where you are"... felt like saying fat chance of that, can't see my hormones being normal enough for me to ovulate any time soon 🥴 I was talking to someone yesterday who had two miscarriages and they said both times it took 5-6 weeks for them to be negative. Hope things balance out for you soon and things start to look up. When I'm struggling I listen to 'better days are coming' by dermot Kennedy- I recommend it 😂 x

[StayHopeful]

@Tryingmybest345 meant to say my skin is also awful! I felt like all my symptoms had disappeared even before the surgery so I'm glad to feel back to normal self but just wish that second pink line would disappear... words I never thought I'd say!

[Tryingmybest345]

[quote StayHopeful]@Tryingmybest345 I'm the exact same- would have been telling people on Mother's Day too! It was a grim day. Reassuring for me to hear you're also still positive, hard to know how long it will take. When I phoned EPU to say I was still positive the nurse said "don't have unprotected intercourse this week because you could get pregnant very quickly then you won't know where you are"... felt like saying fat chance of that, can't see my hormones being normal enough for me to ovulate any time soon 🥴 I was talking to someone yesterday who had two miscarriages and they said both times it took 5-6 weeks for them to be negative. Hope things balance out for you soon and things start to look up. When I'm struggling I listen to 'better days are coming' by dermot Kennedy- I recommend it 😂 x[/quote]
Oh my no word of a lie that song has been my theme tune to the shittyness of the last couple of years of my life (it’s been a total saga) and I listen to it full blast on repeat! 😂 we have much in common it seems! Man 5/6 weeks is such a long time. I hope we get a negative soon and can start the next chapter soon x

[boringperson123]

I’m in pretty much the same position. I went for a scan yesterday at 8 weeks, baby measuring ‘5-6’ and no heartbeat. I just knew when I saw how long it took her to find it and then came the ‘could you have your dates wrong?’ She then rang the EPU and I just sat there crying. She booked me in for a scan next week just in case I have my dates wrong, but I’m 100% sure on my dates and it would be impossible for me to be 5 weeks. I think my partner only understood the implications when my mum came over to talk to me about it (she has had several miscarriages). I’m in such a weird limbo now, and annoyingly still have the pregnancy sickness

[boringperson123]

Also just wanted to say I’m sorry for your loss, it’s just really really shit

[Tryingmybest345]

@boringperson123 I’m so sorry you find yourself in the same position it’s been a really difficult road to travel. Finally back at work yesterday but felt so anxious that someone was going to ask questions I wasn’t ready to answer-I don’t want to tell anyone what’s happened. I’ve been back and to to the hospital last week as was still testing positive after surgery but thankfully this morning I’ve finally got a negative test. A relief but also very sad as that’s finally the end of a much wanted pregnancy. I’m still really finding it difficult to come to terms with and I’m just so sad and feel very alone as nobody around me can really understand having never experienced miscarriage themselves. I do hope you get the support you need but feel free to come back here if you need us. I wish you live and luck and hope in time you heal from this experience. Take care x