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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

anniversary of miscarriage on New Years Eve - advice please.

28 replies

elerose · 26/12/2007 23:27

Hello I lost my last baby at 11weeks 3 days on New Years Eve last year, I'm now 33 weeks but I'm dreading the anniversary. I thought the anniversary of my due date in July would be the worst but I feel much worse now, I'm finding it really difficult when people ask me what I'm doing on New Years Eve I want to say greiving for my lost baby but just say nothing. I think everyone else has forgotton what happened last year and that upsets me even more. I don't feel I can talk to anyone in RL because I don't want to bring people down at this time of year. Has anyone got any advice on how to deal with this as I don't think I'm copeing very well.

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mylittleponey · 26/12/2007 23:28

sending you hugs xxx

NowTheHollyBearsABero · 26/12/2007 23:34

Poor you. I'm very sorry for the loss of your baby.

I've had three miscarriages and like you was in advanced pregnancy in each case when the anniversaries came round.

Spend the day however you feel would be best and most appropriate for you. Light a candle, sit quietly and think of your baby, if you feel that would help, or go for a long walk if you're physically up to it), whatever feels right. Tell people yo are having a quiet day resting and - if you feel comfortable saying it - remembering your lost baby. Why not mention it, if you want to? It is a real loss and real grief, and being pg again doesn't erase that.

Thinking of you.

elerose · 26/12/2007 23:35

Thank you so much, thats just what I could do with mylittlepony.

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NowTheHollyBearsABero · 26/12/2007 23:35

(sorry, not quite true. The anniversary of my first mc I actually had ds1 already. The anniversaries of nos. 2 and 3 - which were in consecutive cycles - I was heavily pg with ds2.)

FlamesparodyOfAChristmasName · 26/12/2007 23:39

I can't say I know how you are feeling because I don't. I do know though that if you tell even one close friend, they will be there for you and would be mortified at the idea that you are protecting them from their happy time (does that make sense?)

I spent last NYE on msn to someone on their due date (they can out themselves if they want, I don't want to out them though iyswim). I didn't feel that I was being brought down - it was where I wanted to be.

I'm hoping m,ore people with knowledge will be by soon

Thnking of you


elerose · 26/12/2007 23:43

Thanks Nowtheholly your right about another pregnancy not eraseing the last one but I don't think people in RL understand. In a way it's making it harder for me because I'm starting to prepare for the arrival of this little one but it brings home what I lost this time last year. It's nice to know though that there are people who do understand.

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MaureenMLovesmincepies · 26/12/2007 23:51

Good advice from Flame there. Do try to tell one of your closer friends. I too have lost 2 babies and although they were not at Christmas time, I still think about them on the day I lost them. I'm always worst on those days, than the days they were due, because it was so traumatic, so I have something to remember. I never got to the due dates, so I don't have feeling for those dates iyswim.

If you really can't tell someone how you feel, they'll be plenty of support on here for you.

elerose · 27/12/2007 00:00

I think thats why the loss date is worst for me too because it was so traumatic and it brings back the memories of having to tell my 7yr old dd that the baby we had shown her on the scan picture 2 days before had died. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for putting her through that, the look of devestation on her face is something I will never forget.

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MaureenMLovesmincepies · 27/12/2007 00:17

Aw bless you. Your dd is stronger than you think. She will never blame you, so you must stop blaming yourself for something you couldn't control.

My dd had the horrible experience of seeing me wired and tubed up in hospital twice before she was 8 years old. Both of mine were ectopic. She's fine, really fine. She was obviously upset by it, at the time, but she is a strong kid, with plenty of love and support and I'm sure your dd is the same.

I won't say those memories go away, because they don't. They are still as vivid now as they were then, but they do get less painful.

I keep typing something and deleting it, because it sounds so rubbish and might make you think , but I'll tell you anyway now I've explained my launacy!

When my dad died on Christmas Eve a long time ago, we sprinkled salt on the door step and brushed it all away with the old year. It was kinda symbolic to us, to brush away all the hurt and sadness of that year and almost cleanse our house from feeling so sad. Perhaps you could do a similar thing. Ignore me, I'm rambling and wishing I could take your pain away. You will get through it, but you need to tell someone. I bet most of your friends do remember what happened, but haven't mentioned it, for fear of upsetting you. Folk are odd like that. Unless you've been there, you just don't know what to say for the best.

gigglewitchyouamerrychristmas · 27/12/2007 00:18

have you tried buying /lighting a candle at home, or doing something else to remember your baby? little vase of flowers, whatever works for you. i have a small beatrix potter ornament for one, odd as it sounds. works for me. I have had m/c's (and i'm not saying the number...too hard) and at the mo i am fighting with 'losing it' over my first child's due date, mc at three months and knew she was a girl. i havent even told DH, i'm like you and dont want to upset anyone's enjoyment around xmas, new year and the holidays. I have three beautiful children, but it doesnt help, does it? In some ways it is harder because you know what you have lost when you get a new baby, it is such a mixed up thing.
TBH you don't have to cope. you need to grieve. Another thing, tho i am not in any way religious, i went to a 'remembering' service at our local cathedral where babies who had been mc or stillborn were remembered. This all helped me, because i needed it to feel 'real' - not abstract, and needed different things at different times. If you can figure out something that might help you, then do it. It's quite an individual thing but a i know other people who have done similar things to me, though in their own way IYSWIM.

orangehead · 27/12/2007 00:23

Oh im so sorry. I have lost three babies and the anniversary of losing them is hard. I didnt end up having ds1 till four years after my first mc, I found it alot harder when pregant despite being a few years later than when I wasnt. It is hard in rl, people forget so easily esp when you preg again but please dont hide it you have a right to grieve and although friends may not understand they hopefully should still support you. The first anniversary I had after my ds1 was born I didnt want to forget just because I now had a baby but felt a need to be a bit more positive. So we made it into a family day and took ds1 who was 11 months old to the zoo and although I still thought of the babies I had lost I took time to appreciate what I now had. But your first one is bound to be hard, I would just have an easy day and do what you feel like and sod to anyone else, do what you want

elerose · 27/12/2007 09:36

Thank you all so much for your kind thoughts and words it has really helped just to talk about it to someone. I hope your right Maureen about dd she is so happy about the new baby but she still asks after every midwife appointment if this baby is still ok and that makes me sad as I know she is worried about us both. And I think the symbolic gesture is a good idea I just wish I could think of somthing for me that would help. I know I should really talk to DH about it as I expect he is feeling it too but I just can't seem to find the words to say. I think a remembering service would be lovely gigglewitch how did you find out about it? I am Catholic the hospital arranged a service and cremation for the baby about a week after I lost it but I was in bits so they arranged for the hospital chaplin (they said I could have my preist but I couldn't deal with anything at the time) to take the service and only me and DH went I couldn't even face my family being there and we never told our families about it. This is somthing else I feel guilty about as I now think this was quite selfish of me.
Sorry to ramble and thanks so much for your support.

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goingfor3christmaspuddings · 27/12/2007 09:46

elerose you weren't selfish having a private service for your baby, you did what you needed to to help with you grief at the time. Jan 6th is the anniversry of when I mc'd my first baby at 20 weeks, it's happened 8 years ago but I still thik about him and unfortunatley the 9 is when the baby I mc'd at 16 weeks in July would have been due so Jan is going to be a tough month but we will both get though it. Like you I'm pregnant so it's hard to tell people I'm upset.

elerose · 27/12/2007 09:59

goingfor3 I'm so sorry for your losses I wish you lots of strength for the coming month, I have to admit it's shocked me how hard this anniversary has hit me my memories are so vivid and it feels like it just happend yesterday.

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leesmum · 27/12/2007 11:05

Elerose i think i understand what you're going through i am now 35 weeks pregnant and am due jan 28th, i had a miscariage on jan 10th this year at 10/11weeks and although i am looking forward to this baby i can't help but feel sad at not having my august baby with me now. On jan 10 i will be getting a couple of helium ballons and letting them go in my back garden, i feel like i needed to do something to remember my lost star.xx
Take care

mumofmonSTARsOfBethlehem · 27/12/2007 11:24


Its me that Flame is talking about. Last year was my due date on 31st December. I had had a missed mc ea;rier in the year. I had got to 10 weeks but the baby had on;ly got to 5/6. I spent most of the time afterwards shutting everything away, not even telling ppl in RL how i was feeling. It took Flame a lot of coaxing to get me to talk about it and i am very grateful that she was there that night.

What i am trying to say is that it really does help to talk about it. It hurts, i won't pretend that it doesn't but i feel i can now talk about how i feel wrt to the mmc easier. I am finding this year hard. She should be coming up 1 and i feel guilty that i am now 28 weeks pregnant and have spent most of the year thinking about the pregnancy rather than the LO. In a way its a little easier being pregnnat, it means that i have to move on.

Sorry, i am rambling. Do tell your friends what you will be doing. I will be collecting flowers/leaves and arranging them like i did last year. I will also light a candle that i will buy specially on the day. Its hard for people to understand when its an occasion like NYE and when the expectations on you are to have a really great time.

You aren't on your own, type it out on here if you need to. Its still a way to 'get things out'.

Wishing you lots of strength for the 31st. xx

elerose · 27/12/2007 11:59

I felt so alone yesterday but thanks to you all I feel much better everyone seems to know exactly how I'm feeling. I don't know anyone close in RL who has been through this and your right MumofMonsters it makes it worse because its New years Eve. I just wish someone in RL would acknowledge it's a tough time of year for me.
Thanks for all sharing your stories I know how hard it is to write it down.

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mumofmonSTARsOfBethlehem · 27/12/2007 12:14

elerose, it is hard when no one knows exactly how you feel in RL. I have no friends who have had a mc so don't feel i can bring it up.

I hope that you can find comfort here if/when you need it. I posted a lot myself last year, most of the time just to get things out rather than hoping for replies.

gigglewitchyouamerrychristmas · 27/12/2007 13:51

Elrose in reply - I found out about the service at the hospital maternity unit, (like you i was pg again soon after) a leaflet saying just that these services happened regularly, with a contact number, so rang it and it was the cathedral admin person. just asked when the next ones were planned, and I chose which one to go to, one that would work in practical terms. yes it was lovely, obv sad but lovely. I felt a real sense that we had all been down a similar road, and that our babies were being recognised as real angels rather than just something medical that "happened" - which is how a whole denial thing worked with me for a very long time. Anyway, i would suggest contacting either the hospital or local church/cathedral/whatever to ask around. what area (ish) are you in? BTW if i can be of any help to you it's gigglewitch at googlemail dot com, i think i can get emails on my phone
Thinking of you over the next few days, sorry wont be able to post as off to see parents and theres no internet access.

gigglewitchyouamerrychristmas · 27/12/2007 14:02

PS don't feel bad that just you and DH went to the creamtion, just think that only you would have been at the birth?
this again it is something I have done, feeling barely able to deal with your own grief means that you can not even start to involve other family members, because it almost feels like having to take on their feelings too. ok logic may not work like that, but in my mind i didn't have the capacity to deal with it all and felt in many ways responsible for other peoples sadness - so didnt tell them. I think how you explain the situation with your daughter is somewhere along these lines. FWIW I think in later life she will appreciate having been part of it all, however sad, because you have treated her as a person and not as just a small child who wouldnt understand. She will be a strong young lady, and has a great mum.

elerose · 27/12/2007 15:20

Thankyou gigglewitch I live in South Wales, that was a lovely thing to say. At the time (and still a bit now actually)I did feel responsible for everybody's sadness because it was my stupid body that had failed so badly. I do think your right about it being better dd was involved as she would have known something was wrong anyway and it would have upset her to think we were keeping things from her I guess it's just a no win situation.

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leesmum · 31/12/2007 08:46

Hi elerose just to let you know i will be thinking of you today and that you get through today without too many tears

Here's hoping for a better 2008 and the arrival of our much awaited babies xxx

elerose · 31/12/2007 11:57

Thanks leesmum thats very kind of you and I second that about 2008 xx

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Chamomile · 31/12/2007 17:18

Elerose, I share your anniversary and know just how you feel.
I had a mc at 12 weeks on New Year's Eve 3 years ago. I remember seeing fireworks as I went into hospital and wondering how I'd ever get through New Year again. It does get easier with time and I now have my lovely DD but you don't forget and it makes me sad that everyone else has.
I have always seen New Year as a time of reflection and in a way am grateful that I have a "special" day to spare a thought for my lost little one. Sending you best wishes for next year and your new baby.

FlameNFurter · 31/12/2007 18:10

Just wanted to stop by and say I am thinking of you

(and you too MoM)

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