My son was stillborn last week- how do i cope?

[emma1103]

My son was stillborn a week ago,at 31 weeks, and i feel so numb. I dont know how you even begin to learn to cope.

I feel so empty.

I’m so, so sorry for your loss.
Tommy’s have midwives trained in bereavement support who may be able to help, I can’t even begin to imagine how to comes to term with such a loss. So sorry.
www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support/stillbirth-information-and-support

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Are you getting support from the hospital bereavement team?

So sorry for your loss. SANDS were a great help when I lost DC1 neonatally.

Just try and take each day at a time. It does get better over time. The pain is still there but not a sharp and intense as the beginning. It's been 9 years for us and I getting teary just writing this.

I’m so so sorry for your loss. I can’t even comprehend how you feel or what you are going through. As others have said, are you getting support? I believe www.sands.org.uk/ provide support. x

I am so sorry for your loss, I please look at contacting Sands. Take it be day at a time. What’s his name?

How utterly unfair and awful for you all, I am so very sorry.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby, 💐 just take things minute by minute.

I'm so so sorry for your loss ... did your little boy have a name ?

I lost my boy 10yrs ago and I took it second, by minute, by hour, by day at a time. I stayed up all night and slept all day to avoid people and found it very hard that people were carrying on with life when mine had stopped.

I did go to a support group for a while as it was a safe space to talk about my experience but I just found that I got angry for having to be there.
I did some crazy things, went out for a pint of milk and drove for miles and miles, trying to escape my surroundings.

You will find that people deal with things differently to you but there is no right way to feel. Just do what you need to do x x

Reach out to others, there are groups like SANDS, littlefingers and lullaby trust among others. I found a lot of my IRL support ummed and aahed at me a few times before awkwardly shuffling off and some of them I didn't see again. So please do reach out to the groups.

You obviously can't make the hurt go away and when the numbness subsides you may well be floored by the emotions or lack of them.

I'm so sorry, it's such a terrible thing to experience and it really is something that only time will soothe.

You need people to cry to though

So sorry for your lose. You will get through it you may not be able to see a way but you will. Don’t think about week or months ahead just take it hour by hour x

There is a forum on Nappyvalley.net (site for support for miscarriage and stillbirths), they are a really good bunch of people with all the numbers and info you could need.

It's not a very well known site because people only use it after an awful event but it was valuable for me

Hi @emma1103 firstly, I am so very sorry for your loss, I would love to hear about your son if you would like to talk about him.

I can't answer how you will cope, all I can really say is you just do, sort of, one foot in front of the other, one day, one minute, sometimes even one second at a time. I find that grief like that of losing a child is something you learn to live alongside.

When I lost my daughter I found SANDS to be a really good source of initial support. Are the hospital providing any bereavement support at all?

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

What was your little boys name? Would you like to talk about him?

I recommend reaching out to SANDS too. Bereavement counselling tends be 6 months after the loss.

Everyone is different i had a friend who wanted closure, to find out the whys on how things happened the way they did and another who absolutely couldn’t stomach the thought.

You’ve been through one of the most awful things anyone can go through. In terms of how you cope, there is no right way to cope or grieve. Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with people who aren’t afraid to walk this journey with you and those who are cut them loose.

Are you a person of faith? Xx

Thank you for all the replies. I didnt expect it with such a vague post.

My little boy was called Luke. He was all we wanted, and was going to complete our family. We had problems from 12 week scan, and he had overcome all the challenges, cvs, heart scans, etc and had improved massively. At our 28 week scan we were told to treat it as a normal pregnancy, etc.

I just cant believe this is real. And i resent my body for not being pregnant anymore, yet having to deal with all the shit that comes after birth.

My hospital has just taken on a bereavement midwife, she has booked me and my husband in on monday to talk to her, as she said she was also a bereavement counsellor. Im hoping this is the start of being able to talk about him.

I just find myself silently crying whenever im alone. Looking at his photos is just too hard. How do you carry on as normal?

Im on mat leave, yet i havent got my baby. I don't want to be at work, but what do i do off work? Xx

Luke ... what a lovely name 🥰

I'll reply in more details tomorrow as to what I did and found things.

Sleep well x x

Hi Op
I lost my daughter unexpectedly at 31 weeks last year.

It was a very dark time for me. I thought that the weekend I gave birth to her would be the low point and then I would feel better. But it was a long time before I felt better. Months really. I started back at work after 6 weeks just for something to do as I couldn’t bare the days as they were. The thing that helped me the most was getting pregnant again, though I understand that’s not for everyone. You can’t replace your son like I can’t replace my daughter, but I did find that the hole in me felt less empty when I got pregnant again.
I personally didn’t and don’t find support groups helpful because I felt surrounded by pain and grief from other people. What I did find helpful though was speaking to people who had been through similar and had come out the other side as it were. One of my friends lost her baby at 39 weeks 6 years ago and I remember her telling me that I was going to be ok which really helped me, because in the early days it feels like you’re stuck in the abyss and you’re never getting out.
Sands charity have a helpline where you can talk to someone, these women have been through it themselves though years ago, so they’re able to talk you through your feelings with empathy and understanding. I found that helpful.
So yes it’s very hard, the first weeks and months are hard. But it does get easier. And you’ll feel joy in life again. Best wishes to you, pm me if you like x

So very sorry this has happened to you OP.
We lost our first child when he was 2 days old completely unexpectedly. He would be 22 now and I still think of him every day. Luke will always be with you, even though not physically present, he will always be a part of your family.
I didn’t find groups that helpful because of the sadness of others that overwhelmed me, but many people do find these groups helpful. I spoke to a stranger on the phone but I found it more helpful to talk to people I knew, although I didn’t know they had lost children, babies or had stilllbirths. Sadly a lot of people carry this scar too.
Many friends didn’t know how to be and it was helpful if I could tell them what I needed. Also my DH grieved differently to me, yet he was the only one who could share the same pain, if that makes sense.
We felt very fortunate to be blessed with two more wonderful children who are 19 and 21 now, and having a brother they never knew has impacted them too. Having a faith has helped us too.
I really hope you can look after each other and take things one day at a time. I did not return to work as a teacher in a tough school but worked in a florists which I loved for a while. Having this experience has given us a lot more compassion and sensitivity to others as the years have gone on and each time I come across someone in similar circumstances to you, I feel our son is able help me to help you. I really hope so

I just want to send my condolences OP. I don't think you do have to carry on as normal as what's happened to you isn't normal. It's something you shouldn't have to go through.

I’m so sorry.

I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for your loss. I hope the bereavement midwife can offer some positive steps forward, but it’s early days. Take care of yourself xxx

Minute by minute is ok if that is all you can manage.

OP I'm so sorry. My first baby was stillborn nearly three years ago. I remember feeling as you describe. It really does feel odd and frankly horrible to have just had a baby, deal with postnatal changes while on mat leave but without a baby. Use the time as you see fit. Take as much time as you'd like off work. I hope you have a supportive employer.

It does get easier.

I found Sands really supportive. See if there is a group near you. A good bereavement midwife helps a lot too.

I'm so sorry to hear about your son luke. It's an unimaginable situation your in so just take each day as it comes. Allow yourself to feel however you want to. Lots of love to you

You do wonder how people carry on when something like this happens but they do.
You almost feel bad for seeing the joy in life but one day you will and you should never be ashamed of that.
You will, one day, want to be surrounded by photos of him and look at all the clothes and things that you bought but when you are ready.
I isolated myself from a lot of people as I was so angry with the world but a few strong people have stayed with me and won't ever forget what I went through.

I never went back to work as I didn't think I could take the pity but I probably would have coped and in some ways made me stronger, quicker but I can't change that now.

I did go on to have two more children who have only recently been told of their big brother. They mention him sometimes in a child like way and I find that I'm still taken back a little at the sadness and of what could have been but it's also lovely to hear his name when said with love.

It feels strange as it's like he never existed but he did ... if that make sense.

You have so many firsts coming up; Christmas, New year, birthdays ... and you will have thoughts of 'if only he was here' but it will ease with time and you will find yourself enjoying life again.

Cry when you need it, in a cafe, in the park, whenever and wherever you are as it's a release.
I don't cry anymore as I sometimes feel like all my tears have been used up.
Surround yourself with positive people who will show you that life is for living, when you are ready to live again.
Never forget that you are an amazing, strong woman and you are a Mummy to a beautiful boy ❤️

Thank you for the replies, and im so sorry to everyone who has been in this awful situation.

Time seems to be dragging for me. Its been 8 days, but feels like so much longer. I can only hope that time gets back to normal, as it just feels like torture. Theyve told me it could be 4 months for a postmortem. I feel like my life will be on hold until then. X