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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

TMI, just need to talk about miscarriage

36 replies

EBenes · 06/12/2007 23:05

I'm just going through my first miscarriage - I was 9.5 weeks pregnant. I had about a week of bleeding, starting off brown and spotty, then getting redder and heavier, and the scan showed the baby had stopped growing at 6.5 weeks, and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I told them I wanted it to proceed naturally. I said, 'will I see bits of head?' they said 'No of course not, you'll just have a very heavy period, with bad period pains'.

I didn't have much pain to start with. Last night, I went through the worst pain in my life. I didn't have my first baby naturally - I had a c-section - so I don't know what contractions are like and obviously this couldn't have been that bad, because there isn't an 8 POUND baby about to come out of my vagina! But I had seriously heavy duty anti-inflammatory drugs and paracetamol and I was still rolling around screaming with the pain, and then I just about fainted. My husband was phoning the NHS but after lying down again I got my balance back and the pain started to die down, and then I passed a lot of big black clots, went back to bed, and managed to sleep.

I thought that was it, and then this morning, what was unmistakably the sac and a big bloody lump (about as big as the top two joints of my little finger) came out. I was very close to being sick, but I thought that was it, it was all over.

Just a minute ago, I felt something else, and there was a bigger lump, pink and veiny, and it looked like a foetus, it had hard parts and the shapes. I don't know if I just imagined the veins, or the head and tiny arms, I don't know if I'm a bit nuts at the moment. I flushed it down the loo, and as I did I felt really sad and evil. I didn't know what else to do, and now I can't do anything else.

And the thing is I've told everyone I'm fine already, and it's been happening for days so too much time has passed for me not to be fine, and I'm the kind of person who is always fine. But I'm not really fine. I don't need help or anything, I just need to talk about it now to someone, so that's all this is.

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PandaG · 06/12/2007 23:12

so sorry to hear yo are going through this. I couldn't read and not post. I just wanted you to know I had read your post and I care. You can tell people that actually you are not ok, if you need to, or just sound off here if it helps. xx

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SpawnChorus · 06/12/2007 23:14

Ebenes - ditto what panda said. You poor thing

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expatinscotland · 06/12/2007 23:16

I'm so sad you are going through this.

I am carrying a missed miscarriage just now. I was supposed to be 11 weeks, but like you, my baby stopped growing and had no heartbeat.

I just want you to know you're not alone.

And it's okay to have flushed it away and you shouldn't feel guilty. You were scared and hurting!

I hope you feel better soon.

Do you have a repeat scan scheduled?

Maybe your GP could arrange for it to be brought forward?

((HUGS))

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gigglewitchyouamerrychristmas · 06/12/2007 23:17

Is it so bad to be 'not' fine?
ok - i am one of those fine people too, i do understand. but one thing i learned with mc's is that you can't keep all of it to yourself for all of the time.
(((hugs))
keep posting.

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hertsnessex · 06/12/2007 23:20

EBenes,

This happened to me too. i thought i saw a feotus. give yourself time to heal. dont try and 'move one' before you are ready. take care. please vent here anytime i like.

cx

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orangehead · 06/12/2007 23:20

Im so sorry for your loss. Has the hospital suggested going back for a scan to make sure it has all come away? If you carry on bleeding and passing things it might be worth going back

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EBenes · 06/12/2007 23:24

Thank you all, I can't tell you how much these have helped. It's weird, how much I needed to say it 'out loud'. So thanks very much to everyone. Expat, I hope you are coping. I am almost all the time, it's just that it just happened, so I felt overwhelmed and surprised at myself for being so.

Repeat scan was scheduled for 2 weeks away, but yes, I think I will call them next week.

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Mincepiedermama · 06/12/2007 23:26

EBenes I'm so sorry. It's very tough it really is.

As for the bits that are coming out that sounds about right. (I've had two misscarriages. The second one I saw the sac quite clearly and lots of other livery bits and pieces coming out.)

Yes the pain is contractions. That's exactly what it is but during my first miscarriage I didn't know pain like it. It brought me to my knees on a tube in Brixton and I had to be stretchered up to the ambulance. The pain was really scarey and unbelievable.

I went on to have three babies, another miscarriage, then another baby. I really think that M/C pain can be particularly bad because you're not pushing a live baby out but it's sad and empty.

Contractions are the hardest, sorest part of labout btw. For me anyway. The stretching associated with the head coming out is nothing as compared to the feeling of your womb contracting.

Lots of love and courage to you. I say courage --- fall apart if you need to. I caught my sac in a jar second time round and buried it to say goodbye. It really helped.

xx

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KashaSarrasin · 06/12/2007 23:26

I'm so sorry you're going through this - I had a natural m/c in August and the physical process was very very scary. You're not alone, and it's completely normal to not feel fine.

When you're ready, there's a m/c thread here which is fantastically supportive.

Be gentle with yourself. (((hugs))).

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Mincepiedermama · 06/12/2007 23:28

I should add that in the end I felt the pain of contractions and the physical sensation of pushing my dead 'baby' out really did help with the grieving process. I think it helped to know that the pregnancy really was over. My body pushed it out, both times. No questions.

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catinthehat · 06/12/2007 23:29

EB, so sorry, nobody tells you what a m/c is like before you have one and it sounds as if you've been taken totally by surprise. You may have told people (as a reflex )you're fine, fine absolutely fine. However, because it's so outside your normal experience, you might want to rethink whether you tell RL people you are still fine later on when it starts to sink in. You won't be alone here or in RL.

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gigglewitchyouamerrychristmas · 06/12/2007 23:35

another thought - for later when you are ready and if it feels right to you, our local cathedral (and also i think the hospital chapel) hold services for all those who have lost babies - mc or stillborn. none are treated as more or less important than the others, however early or late it happened.
I went to one of these services, and tho i'm not particularly religious, lighting that little candle and marking a small life and anniversary really helped me.
just do whatever works for you -now and in the future. and if you need to write STUFF on here, we're here, lots of us with the t-shirt too.

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expatinscotland · 06/12/2007 23:43

Ebenes, I hope this passes for you soon.

This physical pain.

Please don't try to bottle it up, though. That is why we are here.

You had a baby! There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that.

I'm chicken and I'm wanting an ERPC to speed things along.

My younger daughter's 2nd birthday is on Monday and my parents are coming to see us on the 19th after over a year and a half and my 4-year-old keeps asking if I'm feeling better today, so I'm having a hard time facing natural MC.

Especially as my body has hung onto a dead baby for about 5 weeks.

I just hope you have some comfort in knowing you're not alone and here is a place you can talk and there are even people going through this right alongside you.

It's sort of like riding a rollercoaster, the big drops don't feel so scary when they're shared with a friendly hand to hold.

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gigglewitchyouamerrychristmas · 06/12/2007 23:49

expat, you are so brave!

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Mincepiedermama · 06/12/2007 23:50

So true Expat. In fact one of the best things my MIL ever did for me was to say, 'It was a really baby. Of course you are sad. This was your baby and you lost her/him.'

It was an acknowlegement of how I really felt. Other people wanted to brush it away, with the best of intentions.

Tough times for you Expat. I hope you're able to let it out.

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expatinscotland · 06/12/2007 23:58

it's really hitting me now, mama. i think i sort of put it aside a bit.

so EB, it's okay if it hits you later, too.

you're not alone!

it's so shocking.

vent away!

some people just don't know what to say, so you feel bad, like you don't want to upset them.

that's okay, too, just so long as you know you can come on here to talk.

just today, after my girls went to bed, before i logged in, i had a little cry and i told my baby, 'I wish you'd have lived.'

i am over-educated and immediately i thought of Mary Shelley's 'Frankenstein', and her notes about it. How she wrote about her stillborn baby and her dreams about how it was only cold and they rubbed it and put it to warm by a fire and it lived.

but it helped even now because then i didn't feel so alone.

so i hope you don't, either.

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gigglewitchyouamerrychristmas · 07/12/2007 00:08

d'ya know, i don't think it ever goes away.

i have been very sad this week for a baby girl i lost at 13 weeks, eighteen years ago...yes i was young, yes it would have been difficult, but i wanted her and i still think about her lots. It became better in some ways but harder in others when my DD was born, she is just 2.
all sorts of things come up at all sorts of times, and it really just is not possible to be fine all of the time.
Perhaps start to let a few close people in to the fact that you were probably in shock and actually had no idea what this was going to be like, when you told them you were fine? It is a fair bet that you will find someone you know who has been here too

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trulymadlydeeply · 07/12/2007 09:10

God, how horrid for you: what a shock! I'm lucky never to have been in the situation you describe, but from reading othere peoples' posts, it seems to be such a terrible bereavement.

Give yourself time to grieve and keep posting if you need to.

XX

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meglet · 07/12/2007 09:25

ebenes I miscarried at 6 weeks last month and also saw something that looked like a foetus, it was about the size of a baked bean. I flushed the loo too as I was at work at the time. I feel so sad about doing it but was in shock at the time.

Don't be too hard on yourself at the moment, you are perfectly entitled to feel down and shaken about what has happened. MN is always here for you to let off some steam. (((hugs))).

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CremolaFirCone · 07/12/2007 09:29

ebenes- so sorry you have had to go through this.It must be so distressing.I don't think you can put a length of time on being over it.I have had 6 miscarriages and sometimes i hvae been fine- but other times it has taken me months to feel Ok. Give yourself as much time as you need.
thinking of you.x

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smilesattheweekend · 07/12/2007 09:36

I am so sorry for all your losses. I had two miscarriages before I had my son 4 years ago, we decided to try for another this year and I got pg again but lost it in july, I have then had another mc in october. I too tell people I am fine and just get on with things. I saw the sacs too and feel sad at getting rid of them. I think it is easy to get on with things for a while, but every now and then I get upset and need to talk. My DH is fabulous and listens as does my mum, I don't tell anyone else I am feeling upset as I think they feel uncomfortable and don't know what to say.

Big hugs to you all.

X

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EBenes · 07/12/2007 20:21

Many more heartfelt thanks for these posts. It is absolutely exactly right that no one really prepares you for what's going to happen, and being told your baby isn't alive, as awful as that is, isn't as bad as seeing it on the scan, and that isn't 1/100th as awful as thinking you're holding it.

Expat, I also said 'I wish you'd lived' and talked to the baby for a while, and it did help, and gigglewitch, although I'm not very religious, I think lighting a candle in a cathedral is such a wonderful idea.

And I am fine today, I'm telling people the truth again now. I just had no idea I'd be so affected, and how much I needed to hear other women's experiences, and how much I needed to say it explicitly without being terrified about utterly freaking people out.

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BellaBear · 07/12/2007 20:29

Ebenes,

LOADS of sympathy, I had a mc last year. Can I add one thing to everyone's lovely words that I might be repreating: Make sure you take enough time off from being 'fine'. I didn't, as I am also one of these people and I went back to work and I said 'it was so early' and all these things, and I shouldn;t have, it made it worse. So take the time to look after yourself properly.

And watch out for people who say insensitive things, they are trying to be nice but sometimes don;t know how.

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expatinscotland · 07/12/2007 20:33

Yes, I've had a few insensitive comments. Like I should be grateful I already have two healthy children - well, duh, thanks a lot!

Or that it was for the best because there was probably something wrong with the baby.

I just tell people like that thank you for acknowledging our loss, but please don't say things like that in the future to women who've miscarried because it really hurts their feelings, a simple I'm sorry will do.

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expatinscotland · 07/12/2007 20:34

Just take it day to day EB, but I'm glad you feel a bit better today.

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