TMI, just need to talk about miscarriage

[EBenes]

I'm just going through my first miscarriage - I was 9.5 weeks pregnant. I had about a week of bleeding, starting off brown and spotty, then getting redder and heavier, and the scan showed the baby had stopped growing at 6.5 weeks, and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I told them I wanted it to proceed naturally. I said, 'will I see bits of head?' they said 'No of course not, you'll just have a very heavy period, with bad period pains'.

I didn't have much pain to start with. Last night, I went through the worst pain in my life. I didn't have my first baby naturally - I had a c-section - so I don't know what contractions are like and obviously this couldn't have been that bad, because there isn't an 8 POUND baby about to come out of my vagina! But I had seriously heavy duty anti-inflammatory drugs and paracetamol and I was still rolling around screaming with the pain, and then I just about fainted. My husband was phoning the NHS but after lying down again I got my balance back and the pain started to die down, and then I passed a lot of big black clots, went back to bed, and managed to sleep.

I thought that was it, and then this morning, what was unmistakably the sac and a big bloody lump (about as big as the top two joints of my little finger) came out. I was very close to being sick, but I thought that was it, it was all over.

Just a minute ago, I felt something else, and there was a bigger lump, pink and veiny, and it looked like a foetus, it had hard parts and the shapes. I don't know if I just imagined the veins, or the head and tiny arms, I don't know if I'm a bit nuts at the moment. I flushed it down the loo, and as I did I felt really sad and evil. I didn't know what else to do, and now I can't do anything else.

And the thing is I've told everyone I'm fine already, and it's been happening for days so too much time has passed for me not to be fine, and I'm the kind of person who is always fine. But I'm not really fine. I don't need help or anything, I just need to talk about it now to someone, so that's all this is.

Ebenes - I'm so sorry that the hospital told you it would just be like a heavy period. I had a miscarriage at seven weeks, and I had a few mild contractions, and what a round lump came out - I looked closer and I saw the fetus inside - clearly defined already at 7 weeks. It's not something that people ever tell you or talk about, and I was shocked.

Like you, I told everyone I was fine, but it was only a few days later when I realised I wasn't . In fact, subconciously I still thought I was pregnant. Your hormones play tricks on your emotions at this stage.

Much sympathy for what you are going through.

So sorry for all your losses. I just wanted to add something about flushing what comes out down the toilet. Apologies in advance for anyone that thinks this is TMI. I had a mc 3 years ago this xmas before having my 2 boys at 7 weeks and I could also clearly see the foetus after being on the toilet for a while and passing some blood and clots. I was at the hospital in the toilets and they had told me to save any clots that came out to be examined and also told me would be like a heavy period (why?). As a result I had what looked like the tiny foetus in my hand on a tissue and so had the bizarre choice of standing there in the toilets wondering what to do. However, I chose to flush it for 2 reasons: that the rest of the material associated with that baby's pregnancy had already gone that route and so it seemed better to me that everything should go together the same way rather than separating parts of the pregnancy, and also that it meant it would eventually pass through the system out to open sea, in its entirety, rather than just being mixed up in all the hospital waste and rubbish. This seemed much better to me and quite fitting. I have always thought that I would like my ashes or those of my loved ones to be scattered at sea. I am not religious and the sea seems like a fitting place for someone that was alive but no longer is - back into the earth's ecosystem and the natural cycle etc. The only alternative I could think of was to bury the piece of tissue but that seemed to have the same outcome of entering back into the natural cycle and I found it upsetting to think that some parts mights have already been separated. So for me flushing everything out to sea made me feel better and was, bizarrely, comforting in such a horrible and unexpected situation. Hope this might make someone feel better. Sorry if has come across weird, is very hard to describe that moment. You're right, it's the worse part of a mc and noone talks abouot it so it is so unexpected. Take care of yourselves.

I did that, twice,(flushing) but I kissed them both goodbye and told them I loved them.

Ebenes, i am so sorry for your loss.

Barbamama, what a moving post, it does sound weird yes, but the more you think about it, it makes such perfect sense. What else are you supposed to do anyway? I think the way you explained things will certainly help a lot of mums faced with this awful thing.

Ebenes - I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I had a m/c in Aug 2005 (god was it that long ago). The pain is worse I think because you are hurting emotionally and knowing what it is that is happening I think makes it hurt psychologically which makes the physical pain worse (IYKWIM).

I wrote a letter to my little angel and it helped SO much.

Be good to yourself.

Hugs ( )

ebenes, i couldnt read this and not post xx
i had a MC in oct 2002 and i remember it being like this for me aswell. i was told by the trainee doctor who examined me that i was not in any way shape or form miscarrying my baby and 7 hours later i was back at the hospital being questioned about my dates as my feotus had only appeared to have grown to about the size of an 11-12 week stage and i was 14 weeks by my dates. i put on a brave face to everyone and found myself on the verge of freaking out for quite a few weeks afterwards. i didnt know about mumsnet at the time and think that if i had of known i would have spoken up just as you have done on here as everybody is so amazing in their support and on reading your following posts it seems you have benefitted from this support. i hope you find a way of dealing with the awful situation and you dont suffer too much in the process xx {{{{hugs}}}}}
xx ei xx

EB and expat, I hope you are both doing what you need to do to get through this day/hour/whatever makes sense to you. after reading a few more posts since mine, there are lots and lots of us who have been here and really feel for you.
just wanted to say more (((hugs))) and take care.
And other posters, it is really good to talk/ read your stories, although not something you would want anyone to go through it is still a huge comfort to hear of others with similar experiences.

Kisses to all of our little angels.

eb im really sorry! i had a missed mc in 2005. Was awful, and i too told everyone i was fine! in fact i only really felt 'better' when my dd was born this year. I think a lot about the 2 babies i lost, but havng dd to cuddle makes it not hurt so much.

i found that after a few weeks your expected to be over it! which is so silly!

expat- with my mc they gave me some drugs, which made me pass out from blood loss and in the end i was back in hospital a month later for a ERPC! so i dont think your a chicken at all for wanting one. i also had a 'normal' mc in 2006, and opted for a ERPC straight away just because i had been so ill the first time. whatever is right for you!

hugs to you both, and to everyone else going through such a horrible time xxxxxxx

barbamama - good post. I know that in Ireland at least, they have buriel areas specifically for miscarried babies.

I buried mine, in a plant pot, which sounds bizarre.

Ebenes - couldn't leave this thread without posting a message of support, I had a natural mc in August, baby died at 6+1 weeks I eventually mc at about 10 weeks. I didn't see anything resembling a sac but for a lot of time I just sat on the toilet and let the clots come away as I was soaking too many towels, sorry.

I never would have believed having a mc would hit me so hard and be very difficult to deal with, I have already posted on expats thread that I believe she is doing the right thing having an ERPC I would have another one rather than go through a natural mc again. Physically I was fine afterwards even had my first period about 3 weeks later, emotionally I suppose I am still a bit all over the place, I am 9 weeks pregnant right now and it has been a rollercoaster.

I found writing everything down on the mc support thread a godsend, take care oif yourself x

I too passed the foetus with my first miscarriage. was 12 weeks and when i started bleeding went straight to the hospital. The next day i started having very bad contractions and as soon as i got to the hospital bloody literally gushed out of me and i passed a big clot which was apparently the placenta. They sent me home after a few hours (was about 7pm) and and 10pm i passed what was the feotus it was quite big possibly nearly the size of my hand i didnt know what to do and put it in a pot that was in our bathroom and covered it with a towel cos couldnt bear to look at it. I phoned my mum anf she came up and phoned the hospital. Took it to the hospital cos they wanted to check me out and my bp was down. They examined the feotus and explained it was severly deformed. I left it with them. Had to have a scan 3 days later. Everything was fine

recently (5 weeks ago) had another miscarriage (was 5+6 weeks) was just like a very heavy period and passed clots but nothing compared to last time.

still after 7 months I cant get the image of the feotus out of my head and on jan 13th it should have been my due date and i felt awful.

august 12th is what would have been the due date for the baby i lost recently. Me and hubby have decided to leave it a while and let my body recover.