Five things I didn’t know about miscarriage until I experienced it

[Maddy456]

I’ve just experienced a miscarriage at six weeks. Never thought it would happen to me but there you go. It’s obviously playing on my mind a lot and I’m finding it hard to talk to anybody but my husband, so just wanted to share some thoughts in case it helps anybody else that is going through this:

1. The miscarriage process takes a long time! My miscarriage started on Monday and I’m still waiting for final confirmation from the hospital today on my bloods. I had all the symptoms of a miscarriage on Monday but I was still in denial it was happening, even after they scanned me and didn’t see a sac I thought the dates could still be wrong. The low HcG level in my bloods (100) is what made me finally accept that it was happening. Im also still bleeding five days in, apparently this could continue for weeks yet!

2. It’s hard not blame yourself for it happening. I know deep down there was nothing I could have done but it doesn’t stop me going over and over the small things - picking my toddler up, tight skinny jeans, eating salty chips! I’m not trying not to let myself dwell on those things too much, it’s not good for me and is ultimately pointless.

3. It’s a lonely process. My husband is amazing and I know he is sad as well. But I think he accepted the outcome as soon as the scan showed there was no sac. I am still bleeding and have some remnants of morning sickness as a cruel reminder. I don’t want to speak to anybody else about it, it’s too upsetting.

4. Accepting that the future plans you had have just gone away. I know I was early at six weeks but that didn’t stop me calculating due dates and starting to make plans around that. Getting excited about a sibling for my little boy. It’s hard to accept that has all just gone now, completely disappeared.

5. You are more fertile after a miscarriage. A study showed that 70% of women who had a miscarriage got pregnant again within three months, this compares to 50% of women that tried between 3-6 months. A ray of hope there for me, my husband and I plan to try again as soon as we can. But I know that’s not for everybody.

Actually I would like to add a sixth one as well….the more I have read about miscarriages the last few days I have realised what some women go through to conceive. In some cases years of trying and multiple miscarriages. These women are absolute warriors and the amount of strength and determination is unreal.

Anyway, these are my thoughts! I’ve been mulling over this a lot so it’s quite cathartic to write it all down in one place.

Good luck to everybody! Life is beautiful and we are strong and we can get through this! X x x x

Sorry for your loss

I miscarried at 10 weeks but everything had stopped growing at 6 weeks. I was obviously blissfully unaware.

The sudden realisation that your future has changed was what I found the hardest. I didn't realise how many plans I had made in my head until it hit me that there wasn't going to be a baby anymore.

I was also quite shocked, in hindsight, at how determined I was to become pregnant again straight away. I was obsessed. Poor H.

The fertility afterwards worked for me as I fell pregnant again very quickly indeed.

Thank you for sharing. I agree the change in future plans is what I’m struggling with the most. Congratulations on your pregnancy! X x x

Sorry for your loss. It’s very lonely and hard.

I had two consecutive miscarriages at 11 and 7 weeks.
The one at 11 weeks I bled very badly and had to have emergency surgery. I lost a lot of blood and nearly had a transfusion. After this one I got no after care and it was in stark contrast to all the checks you get after having a baby (I had already two). Also I would never have thought a miscarriage could have such bad health implications. I’m sure it’s rare though.

My other miscarriage was much more painful even though It was earlier. Again I learnt that each MC is very different. It went on for a week.

I was left with awful pain after both for months. A few years later I realised I had adenomyosis and endometriosis. Which explained the three years of infertility before no 1. It’s been a struggle x

@LadyOfTheFlowers you’ve summed it up perfectly saying you don’t realise how many plans you had made until you have to unmake them. I found out yesterday that my baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks (the scan was at 9). I KNEW miscarriage is relatively common and I kept telling myself that any plans were cautious only, but I still came as such a shock.

This wasn’t even a planned pregnancy but me and my partner are both devastated.

It’s so good to be reassured that others have the same (although horrible that you have iyswim).

I’m so sorry for your loss Maddy, it’s an incredibly difficult time

For me, the overwhelming feeling was the loss of what would have been. All the things that we wouldn’t get to do with the person we’d never get to know.

I also blamed myself - stupid, I know. What could I have done differently?

The practicalities were awful. I passed a complete sac with a seven week old fetus at around 12 weeks after the most awful cramping - I knew from a scan that I had lost the baby. It was very distressing - no-one had warned me that this was a possibility.

Sorry to hear that you are going through this Maddy456. I agree with your well made points. I was blissfully unaware of how many women had miscarriages or fertility problems until I miscarried.

I’d had two easy pregnancies and had previously thought “I’ve loved my children since the day they were born”. post miscarriage I realised that you love them since before they are born.

My now 11 year old was conceived 3 months afterwards.

Best wishes for the future and for all the women who will read and contribute to this thread.

Sorry for your loss
I've had 3 consecutive miscarriages and the first and last, although heartbreaking weren't that bad physically except I bled for many weeks. However my second one was a mmc and baby had stopped growing at 10 weeks but the placenta continued to grow till 15 weeks. I went through labour and hemorrhage with that one and it took me weeks to recover my strength. It doesn't help that my gynecologist practically tortured me and forced me to have procedures I didn't want or could consent to because it suited her but was not best for me (she was struck off for it).
I'm glad I finally had another living child but that came with its own heartbreak.
Hopefully your next pregnancy with be happy and healthy

The solidarity.

That once a woman knows that you have had a miscarriage and shares that she has too you have a connection that other women don't have.

We never forget our children that never were.

So sorry for your loss.

Last year I had a MMC of twins at 13 weeks. I was surprised that it was not painful - don’t think I experienced any pain at all - but the bleeding was just terrible.

The unmaking of plans was awful, as you say, and for me the fact that this is how my child bearing days have ended. I have 2 DCs aged 7 & 10 and this was to be a late addition age 41 for us. We did try again and had a chemical followed by another miscarriage at 6 weeks. I can’t put myself through it all again.

I hated telling people. Because of the pandemic, more people knew than they normally would as I was vulnerable. Seeing my mum and best friends so upset for us was terrible.

A year later I have been able to move on. Good luck to you for the future. Remember that the vast majority of women who have miscarriages go on to have healthy pregnancies.

So sorry for your loss OP.

Things I didn't know:

How common miscarriage is, and like a pp says, how it connects you to so many women. We don't know because we don't like to talk about it.

That it can be completely painless, as was the case for me. I guess in that respect I was lucky. I still remember all the bleeding and passing the sac...

Look after yourself OP

Sorry for you me loss op.
I was surprised about the different types of miscarriage. Miscarriage is miscarriage right?
I've had 4. Baby 1 no problems, although I did bleed at 6 weeks which was terrifying. Then natural miscarriage. Then baby 2 no problems at all. Then 3 losses in a row. 1st of these was a blighted ovum. Empty sac. Had early scan just before Christmas. Ended up in surgery in Feb. Yes 8 weeks. That's another thread. 2nd found out at 12 week scan baby had died at 9. That for me was the worse. Again ended up in surgery. Last one was natural, started bleeding a day after I took a positive test. Then I gave up.
I have 2 beautiful children but I never forget my due dates for all the angels that are lost.
Every experience is different.
Good luck to all those still trying.

I would add that you might have some complicated feelings about other women's pregnancies and new babies, and not to beat yourself up if you have other emotions along with feeling happy for them.

And yes, when I miscarried, I was surprised how many women told me that it had also happened to them.

Sorry for your loss Maddy456

Thank you for sharing. It's very helpful.

Sorry for your loss x. I agree that you look at everything you did and wonder if it was ‘your fault’. My first pregnancy was mmc and found out at 12 week scan. Because I had surgical removal it went down on my notes as an abortion. So with 2nd pregnancy check in the midwife asked me to confirm if had an abortion before. That was awful.

The other bit that I realised is that you never forget the babies you didn’t have, but if that one had continued I’d not have my 2nd now. That’s a weird feeling. You can both grieve the loss and be happy for the child you have.

And if you ever mention it in a group of women, you will be astounded at the number who say ‘me too’ and share their stories

Thank you everybody for sharing. I’m sorry to hear of your losses as well. It’s good to connect with others that know exactly what each other are going through at this time. I agree with what others have said that I think I will never forget this baby that I have lost. The day before the miscarriage happened actually I bought myself a necklace with a heart on it which I would never usually do but I just really liked it. So that will be my little keepsake now. Take care everyone x

[quote OttilieKnackered]@LadyOfTheFlowers you’ve summed it up perfectly saying you don’t realise how many plans you had made until you have to unmake them. I found out yesterday that my baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks (the scan was at 9). I KNEW miscarriage is relatively common and I kept telling myself that any plans were cautious only, but I still came as such a shock.

This wasn’t even a planned pregnancy but me and my partner are both devastated.

It’s so good to be reassured that others have the same (although horrible that you have iyswim).[/quote]
I’m so sorry OttilieKnackered. You need space to grieve now and look after yourself. I really think we will be ok. This is a very sad time but we will get through it x x x

I wish I'd known how much it would take the joy out of subsequent pregnancies. I don't think I ever truly believed I'd get my babies after my mc.

I’ve had 7 miscarriages. 5 over the course of 5 years, along side long periods of infertility.

1. Miscarriage is NOT like a heavy period. Excruciating physically painful requiring gas & air and morphine as OTC analgesia did not touch the pain. I experienced contractions even at 6,7,8,9 weeks miscarriage.

2. A&E, hospitals in general are utterly utterly shite at dealing with a miscarrying woman. I could tell you tales that would make your toes curl.

3. reoccurring miscarriage clinics know disappointingly little due to lack of funding into research. They do not know the reason for over 80% of reoccurring miscarriage. The promise of a referral crashes down when they can only “try” things unproven & hope for the best.

4. People see miscarriage as a minor thing. Unless you have been through it, you can have no idea of the trauma.

5. People, so so many people take for granted that a positive test means a healthy bouncing baby.

I felt that I was continuously miscarrying for years. A positive test meant nothing. It meant “here we go again”.
Hell fire, yes. I am a fucking warrior. God knows how I got through some days.
But I’m here. It’s ok I suppose.
Nice to share with others so thank you for this thread OP, I love your insight and that I can relate to someone.

Sorry for you loss OP, you’ve summed it up so well. I am also currently experiencing a miscarriage and there were so many things I didn’t know.

1. As baby has grown between scans, despite definitely not being a viable pregnancy and having no heartbeat, I have to wait 1-2 weeks before being offered any management due to ‘policy’. I would just like it to be over.

2. I actually didn’t realise how much I didn’t know. I knew how common it was and sadly know quite a few people who have experienced a miscarriage. In comparison to some PP’s my hospital and the EPU has been amazing and answered all my questions but that I actually didn’t know what miscarriage could entail had really playing on my mind. I’m almost mad about it. I have a health sciences degree and still knew nothing.

3. I also didn’t know it could take so long, I have been bleeding for 12 days and no sign of it passing naturally.

I am very lucky in a way that my friends have been so open about their own miscarriages and I’m optimistic that everybody experiencing it can get through it but that doesn’t take away from how shit it is. xxx

So sorry for your loss. I fall into number 6 on your list. I tried for 15 years to fall Pregnant and then I had my first chemical. I remember looking at the albeit faint line on the test in shock and did a load more they were also mega faint and I started bleeding a little later. My second miscarriage happened on xmas day 2018 I took a test a few days before and again it was very faint. My 3rd one I didn't even know I was Pregnant until I lost it in the shower. Drs were useless just told me it was a normal blood clot. It was firm and formed as the start of an embryo. I fell pregnant around 2 weeks after that one and they test I did was stark blazing positive. I was paranoid constantly but every time I went to the toilet and wasn't bleeding I relaxed that little bit more. I had morning sickness, my boobs hurt and I craved spicy foods. I had an early reassurance scan done at 7 weeks and the sac was empty. They measured me behind by 2 weeks and said id just got my dates mixed up. I hadn't I knew the date we'd conceived due to my OH living away. Had a rescan a couple of weeks later and this time I was able to see something. Didn't much resemble a baby, it looked more like a Lima Bean, although there was no heartbeat but I was told it was still too early to see it. I also had a sub chronic haematoma but they told me it wasn't dangerous to my Baby and any bleeding not to panic unless it was major. I can remember thinking once I'd gotten past 8 weeks and into my 9th week everything was going to be ok this time. I did however start spotting just a few days before my next scan but a trip to A&E diagnosed a kidney infection and the pregnancy test the dr did was even more darker this time and the dr said even he didn't think I would miscarry again. He said the woman just before me had done a test and it was no where near as dark as mine so to take it as good news. However the following night I started with really intense pains in my lower tummy. It wasn't until the early hours that I realised they were coming in waves and the scan that morning revealed there still wasn't a heartbeat even though baby was measuring bang on now and also it had dropped onto my cervix. I was sent away with just a test in few weeks and phone back if it's positive still. I had a massive bleed 6 days later losing clots as big as my hand still heavily bleeding but still showing a faint positive. They asked me to re test again the following week and it was still the same, had another scan which showed some retained tissue and I was given the option of carrying on as I was, tablets or surgery. I was put off the surgery when they told me it might make me infertile and after 4 weeks of bleeding I couldn't carry on waiting any longer so I had misoprostol and passed everything a couple of days later. I never asked for my scans and when I went back for the follow up I asked if I could have it but they wouldn't give me it because it didn't look like a Baby. Looking back after doing more research on SCH I would've put myself on bed rest until I got to 12 weeks although I don't know if it would've made any difference to the outcome. My 5th happened just after my first Covid jab

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, it is so hard to go through.

I've had 3 miscarriages, 1 chemical, 1 first trimester and one second, and looking back, would add

• it's not your job to make other people feel ok about it. I was so conscious of making other people sad or awkward or pitying that I plastered on a smile and didn't show much, with the result that I felt more isolated than ever

• some people will be really thoughtless. It's hard to imagine why anyone would ever say something like 'its probably for the best', 'better luck next time', wonder why you need a few days off work, but at least one person will do something like this or worse, it's better to be ready for it, and totally ok to feel disproportionately furious/sad/annoyed, even if you know it wasn't ill-intentioned, because it can feel disproportionately hurtful and sometime a short term rage target can help

I hope you get the support you need, and get through this as best you can.

I agree with pp that miscarriage takes so much joy out of future pregnancies. After having a premature baby and then 3 miscarriages, I was convinced that baby number 5 wouldn't make it and that he'd die at some point in the pregnancy so I felt nothing for him- we just co existed.
I had loads of scans and check ups due to my previous prem baby and pre eclampsia risk. He was born at 36 weeks because he wasn't growing and was very sick.
I did nearly lose him at 3 weeks old but thankfully the surgeon was able to fix his stomach and he's going to be 1 this month.
I tell people I won't have more children because I can't take the pain but they dont believe me. All of my babies have either died or nearly died and thats a lot to cope with.
Also some people are so uncomfortable with miscarriage and literally whisper to me about it but I think it's ridiculous. All my babies have names and I use them. It's my way of normalising miscarriage.

Very sorry for your loss.

It took me a while to conceive after my mmc, unfortunately. It was another 8 months.

Thanks to everybody for sharing your stories. I’m sorry you’ve all had to go through it. Miscarriage is very sad and difficult. I had three before I had my daughter. I would add:

1. I never knew miscarriages could go on for so long. I found out my second baby hadn’t developed properly at my 12 week scan. It was three weeks later that I finally miscarried, five days after medical management. I continued to go to work throughout despite feeling like I was falling apart and having a traumatic experience. Looking back I should have taken more time off.

1. I hate the phrase “you can’t be a bit pregnant - you either are or you aren’t”. At times I felt very much like I was in the middle - still getting positive pregnancy tests and with sore breasts but technically no longer pregnant.

1. When I went into labour I knew what the pains were like because I felt them with my second and third miscarriages.

1. I didn’t blame myself or my body for ‘failing’. I actually felt deeply sorry for my body. I felt it was trying to do everything it could and it hurt just as I did. I know that might sound weird but I developed a huge respect and love for my body during and after my miscarriages.

Best wishes to all who are suffering right now

To all the women on this thread.

I had a medical miscarriage on Tuesday after the 12 week scan showed our baby had stopped growing at 9+. The poster who said it teaches you how much you love your kids before they are born is spot on - it's made me realise that about my older kids. That caught me by surprise to be honest.

I also feel both sorry for and appreciative of my body. Seeing the baby and again, being surprised at how beautiful it was at 9 weeks has changed the way I see pregnancy forever, I think in a good way - like seeing a secret hidden layer. I know any future TTC will be anxious but I'm going to try and hold onto that feeling too.