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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Am I weird for taking photos of baby’s coffin?

31 replies

Strawberry1234 · 08/06/2021 12:38

Last week we lost our baby. Tfmr, he was 14 weeks with patau syndrome. Today I went to spend some time with him at the chapel of rest. I’m a photographer, is it weird that I took photos on my phone of his closed casket and the gorgeous set up the funeral directors had created?

For me it feels healing, I obviously won’t have many memories with him and this is one of them and I want to remember it. Even though it was really sad, I don’t want to forget it. My partner doesn’t understand why I took the photos, he doesn’t want to see them. Am I a massive weirdo?!

Thanks!

OP posts:

feathersandferns · 08/06/2021 12:45

I don't think you're weird. I can understand how it would be helpful and that you don't want to forget it. We preserve other special memories with photographs; why not this? I wonder if other cultures have different attitudes to photography at funerals...

feathersandferns · 08/06/2021 12:47

Sorry, posted too soon. I was going to add that I have seen some American bloggers who have posted funeral pictures on their social media and to me it seemed like a really beautiful way of remembering the celebration of the life of the person who was special to them.

I'm truly sorry for your loss; it must be devastating. Wishing you all the best.

CarlottaValdez · 08/06/2021 12:48

This is one of those no wrong answers situations. Absolutely fine to take the pictures, also fine for your partner to not want to see them.

Goawaymuppet · 08/06/2021 12:49

You do whatever helps you get through this situation.
I'm so sorry you lost you're darling child X

Aprilwasverywet · 08/06/2021 13:01

A work colleague had black and white shots of her 17 week loss up in the family home.
Not my cup of tea
.
Photos on your own phone of whatever brings you comfort is more than fine op.
Sorry for your loss.

smallspeckbigcloud · 08/06/2021 13:05

I understand why you did it and also why your partner does not want to see them. Respecting each other's perspective will help at this time.

mrsawhite · 08/06/2021 13:06

Whatever brings you comfort. Just wanted to say exactly this news from the hospital for us this morning. So heart breaking. Thinking of you x

EssentialHummus · 08/06/2021 13:07

This is one of those no wrong answers situations. Absolutely fine to take the pictures, also fine for your partner to not want to see them.

This. I’m very sorry for your loss.

RestingPandaFace · 08/06/2021 13:07

Agree with PP there’s no right answer. If you find it healing and helpful then you should do it. I completely understand why you would. Equally if it’s not the right thing for your partner that’s OK too.

Do whatever you need to whilst respecting each others perspectives.

R0SEMARY · 08/06/2021 13:09

@CarlottaValdez

This is one of those no wrong answers situations. Absolutely fine to take the pictures, also fine for your partner to not want to see them.

This. People grieve in different ways.

I’m sorry for your loss.

randomkey123 · 08/06/2021 13:11

My stillborn little boy had a gorgeous white fabric covered coffin, with his name on top. I've always regretted not having a photo but was in no headspace to take it tbh. And I deeply regret leaving our camera in our bag at the hospital - the midwives only took 1 photo and I've only got 1 copy which is the one next to my bed.

It's better to have the photos and not look at them than wish you had them

romdowa · 08/06/2021 13:13

If you need those pictures to bring you comfort then there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone grieves in different ways. I'm so sorry for the loss of your little one 💐💐

Elouera · 08/06/2021 13:18

I'm so sorry for your loss. I too had TFMR for patau, but at 11 weeks ans didn't have a private funeral. I still have the pregnancy tests, scans etc, so not dissimilar to keeping photos as mementos.

Did your partner go to the chapel, or just you alone? Although my DH was very supportive throughout, he eventually wanted to move on. When I had the NIPT, he didn't want to know the sex of the foetus, as he felt it made it 'more real' and I assume harder for him to cope with. Years later, he said he felt the need to support me and not show his own emotions too much.

You are not weird for taking photos and wanting memories, but he equally isn't weird for not wanting to see them.

piglet81 · 08/06/2021 13:31

I’m so sorry for your loss

4PawsGood · 08/06/2021 13:33

I asked the undertaker to take photos of my dad’s coffin. She said it wasn’t unusual.

Even if it was, if it helps then that’s up to you.

123ZYX · 08/06/2021 13:37

@Aprilwasverywet

A work colleague had black and white shots of her 17 week loss up in the family home. Not my cup of tea . Photos on your own phone of whatever brings you comfort is more than fine op. Sorry for your loss.

I hope you haven't shared your opinion with your colleague (or anyone else who has lost a baby - you don't know what they've chosen to display in their house)

That photo would be the only memory your colleague has of their child. I'm sure they'd love to have photos of their baby when they were alive.

I have a photo up of my stillborn baby and if anyone told me it wasn't their "cup of tea" they would never be invited into my house again.

You've posted on a thread started by someone who has lost a baby. Do you really want to make them feel uncomfortable about sharing photos of their baby?

murbblurb · 08/06/2021 13:38

Whatever helps you .I'm so sorry for your loss.

impatientlywaiting2015 · 08/06/2021 13:42

@Aprilwasverywet

A work colleague had black and white shots of her 17 week loss up in the family home. Not my cup of tea . Photos on your own phone of whatever brings you comfort is more than fine op. Sorry for your loss.

I’m sure having their baby die wasn’t their ‘cup of tea’ either but it is one of the only things they have to remember them by.

groovychiick · 08/06/2021 13:44

Op, you're not weird at all. I know several people who have done the same, these are memories of your precious baby.

Also echo @123ZYX comment to @Aprilwasverywet A friend has pictures of her daughters feet on display, she was born at 16 weeks. I think it's very rude to say someone's photos of their child aren't your cup of tea, paintings and other artwork fair enough, but not their child.

Silhillian · 08/06/2021 13:46

So very sorry for your loss. Grief is such an individual thing, you didn’t do anything wrong by taking the photo and your partner isn’t wrong for not wanting to see. When I visited my DGM in the chapel of rest there was a sign saying the funeral home understood some people may want to take photos.

SwearytheFairy · 08/06/2021 13:46

I would probably be the same.
I don't think you should have to worry about offending others.

I'm really sorry youve lost your son. I can't even imagine how difficult that must be.

Definitely not weird. I hope your partner is respecting your right to grieve in your own way, and you his.

MindyStClaire · 08/06/2021 13:46

I think it's perfectly understandable. We're so used to pulling out our phones to snap anything remotely interesting these days that it would nearly feel strange not to take a photo of something so important.

Likewise, completely understandable for your partner not to want to see them.

I'm sorry for your loss

user1483387154 · 08/06/2021 13:47

completely understandable

Hallyup6 · 08/06/2021 13:51

Not weird. I wish I'd have taken more photos of my little boy, who I lost at a few weeks later than your little one. I didn't even go to his funeral so I have no idea what he was cremated in. I imagine it was nice though.

Sorry for your loss.

Original poster

Strawberry1234 · 08/06/2021 13:55

Thank you everyone. That’s really helpful. We’re both respecting each other’s wishes. So sorry to everyone who’s had a loss, it is the hardest thing to go through and I do agree with whatever helps you to heal. Thank you everyone, much love xx

OP posts:

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