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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

2 weeks post op after ruptured ectopic what the f*** is wrong with me [sad]

46 replies

pepperpots · 09/11/2007 16:30

I'll try and keep this short but will forgive anyone for skimming as this could get quite long winded.

2 weeks ago today i nearly lost my life as my 7 week old pregnancy ruptured inside my tube and i suffered extensive internal bleeding. My hormone levels had more than doubled and it came as such a shock. Even the surgeon who came to see me beforehand said that it was probably a cyst and i should be fine. I was in such a massive shock when i came around to be told that i had been in surgery for hours and they had to remove my tube and i very nearly died. This part still completley shocks me to the core. But apart from that i feel nothing. Obviously i am still incredibly sore from the operation, but have returned to work. (Op on 26/10 and back to work 05/11) DH or anybody for that matter has even mentioned the fact i have lost my baby. Neither have I. I have had past m/c and they have broke my heart each time. But this does not feel real and each time i feel sad its almost like my mind tells me that there is no need to be sad as this didn't really happen (although i'm sure a six inch and three inch scar will strongly disagree).
I just feel at the moment i am living in a fantasy world and don't know how the hell to get out of it
I mean i'm doing housework like ironing and carrying the shopping in and putting it away, carrying my ds's to bed (3&5, back in work full time. Its almost as if me being pregnant didn't even exist even though i have been trying for over 2 years. What the hell is wrong with me?? Please tell me that i am not crazy and this does get better.

OP posts:

Original poster

pepperpots · 09/11/2007 20:31

Tutter - I have read every possible site you can imagine. And no one says they have felt the way i felt When i got home from the hospital i threw away all the pregnancy tests i done, my booking in letter, a letter confirmimg my m/wife appointment. Surely this is not normal behaviour Am I ill and i just don't know it

OP posts:

splishsplosh · 09/11/2007 20:44

pepperpots, I had a mc in September, and I threw away all the pg stuff i found lying about - tests / emma's diary etc, and hid my old pg books I'd got out again. I just didn't want to keep coming upon reminders of what had been, and now wasn't.

I don't think you're abnormal - everyone handles things differently, you've been through so much.

I think people don't talk about you losing the baby because they're probably not sure if you want to talk, or they feel uncomfortable. Some people think it probably isn't that bad if you already have children, or because it was early on in the pregnancy. And as for dh - I don't think it's uncommon for them to not talk about it.

Be kind to yourself, spoil yourself a bit, and at least try and talk to your dh about how you feel.

goingfor3 · 09/11/2007 21:47

Pepperpots I threw away all of my baby related stuff when I got home after my mc. I had a baby scan which I couldn't bring to throw so asked dp to put it out of sight. It's very normal to throw things away.

Notquitegrownup · 09/11/2007 22:25

Pepperpots, you are making lots of sense. Just wanted to send you special thoughts and prayers.

MaryBS · 09/11/2007 22:26

{hugs} pepperpots - you sound in shock to me too. Please don't try to reason through what you are feeling, just be gentle on yourself, and look after yourself.

Maybe people just don't know what to say to you, even those closest to you. Perhaps they are waiting for you to speak first? Its really difficult to know what to do for the best sometimes.

You are in my prayers...

Original poster

pepperpots · 09/11/2007 22:33

Thank you. I am just struggling to make sense of it all at the moment

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DutchOma · 09/11/2007 22:34

Don't know what to say Pepperpots. Just hugs and prayers

CaptainDippy · 10/11/2007 10:26

Seconding DO here - lots of {{{{hugs}}} and prayers. I am very sad that you have lost your precious baby and I am very sad you are struggling so much - I am at a loss when it comes to words of wisdom or advice. Sometimes things just do not seem fair and do not make sense; but you are loved - by your DH and by your precious children; and by your loving Heavenly Father. I am so that you survived the rupture and the surgery (a miracle) and I am praying that God would heal your broken heart. xxxxxx

CaptainDippy · 10/11/2007 10:26

There's nothing wrong with you. You are grieving. xx

majormoo · 10/11/2007 10:58

You have been through such a traumatic experience. We all cope with trauma and grief in different ways but I believe all go through the same stages to come out the other side of it. As someone else said, you sound like you are in shock, which is not surprising given that you nearly died and lost your baby. It probably is very hard for you DH to talk about it and maybe he is following your lead and feels he should carry on as normal. He must have been terrified he was going to lose you.

A friend of mine was definitely told to wait for three months before trying again to give her body time to recover.

DynamiteDaisy · 10/11/2007 11:07

oh, I've just seen this. I'm so sorry for the loss of yur pregnancy , and agree that it sounds like you are doing too much. You need to rest and take care of yourself and get some pampering from your DH.

I think his reaction is quite normal, and maybe as the pregnancy was ectopic he maybe sees it as not being a baby. I know when I had my second miscarriage at 6 weeks, I got a lot of "oh well it obviously wasn't a proper baby" comments. I think people don't realise that as a woman, the moment you find out you are pregnant, it is your baby and will be wonderful. I imagine this is more so the longer you have been ttc.

Try and take things easy, and talk to your DH about how you feel. If not, then resentment will build. My DH and I didn't really talk much after my first mc, and we had a rocky time of things for a bit, but eventually we talked and I realised that he had been grieving just as much as I had.

Take Care of yourself, give youself time to grieve, and trust that things will get better.

D xx

ZipadiSuzy · 11/11/2007 16:32

Pepperpots - Please take care, you are in shock, take more time off work, is there anybody you can talk to?

Original poster

pepperpots · 12/11/2007 19:53

I can't take anytime off work as its a new job and i don't want to have to explain. My family are not mentioning the baby either which is making this all worse - and i still haven't cried even though my heart is breaking. If i do start to cry i then have to admit its real

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DutchOma · 13/11/2007 08:11

Not a good place to be Pepperpots. Is there anything we can do to help? Obviously we, on the other thread, have been praying for you, but are you close enough to anybody to have some rl contact?

CaptainDippy · 13/11/2007 08:36

Here for you. xx Whereabouts are you sweetie? xx

ZipadiSuzy · 13/11/2007 12:54

Pepperpots, please get some support, I know what you mean re: families, they protect each other so eachother don't get hurt, but its not good for you, have you a friend that you can talk to?

Please keep posting, your virtual friends are here for you, if you live in Notts I'd be round there like a shot with chocolate and sympathy for you to download

DutchOma · 14/11/2007 07:43

Pepperpots ??

foley · 14/11/2007 21:54

pepperpots - i had a very similar experience to u in 2004. my ectopic ruptured and i needed ememrgency surgery. lost my left tube, but was lucky to be alive.

i never grieved, never looked at it as a pregnancy, but that was my way of dealing with it, was the only way i could as i still hadnt got over my stillbirth from a few yrs previous.

sometimes poeple dont mention it as they dont no what to say.

if u wanna chat im hear, it helps speakin to someone whos been thri it too xx

JillJ72 · 15/11/2007 22:23

I'm so sorry to read your sad news. I had an ectopic in late 2005. www.ectopic.org.uk is the Ectopic Pregnancy Trust, and their forums are fantastic, absolutely fantastic, for support. There's a helpline too, if you want to talk to someone.

Gentle {{{HUGS}}}

Jill x

frostymorning · 17/11/2007 16:20

Pepperpots, there's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, everyone responds differently to situations. Remember that you've had a pregnancy, major abdominal surgery and a bereavement. IMHO you should take some time off from work just to take care of yourself. Remember that your hormones will be dropping just like after any other pregnancy ending and this is going to add to how you feel.

tsom · 07/12/2007 10:46

You need time to come to terms with losing your baby in such a traumatic way. I know you posted this a few weeks ago but I've only just read the thread and thought I would reply as I know it took me 3 months to physically recover when I had a ruptured ectopic, I didn't feel better emotionally until I concieved again 6 months later. My mother told me recently that she thought I was going to have a breakdown afterwards. I was devastated by the loss of the baby (my first) and also shocked by the sudden rupture but conversations with dh would go like this
me "I'm so upset about the baby"
dh "but you nearly died, I'm just glad you're alive'
etc

After 8 weeks off work I still found the first month back very tiring. I hope you have managed to take some more time off work while you recover. Take care.

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