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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

I’m miscarrying at 9 weeks and I feel ok about it

30 replies

beelzeboob · 02/02/2021 10:31

Had a scan yesterday, no heartbeat. There was a heartbeat last week. My immediate thought was....oh!! That’s a shame. But clearly the embryo couldn’t develop so it’s best that this happened. I felt sad and disappointed but nothing more than that. Yet I read and hear about other mothers experiences with miscarriage and they say things like devastation, grief, inconsolable. I just don’t feel any of these things, and this makes me think I’m abnormal.

For context I was desperate to get pregnant so this was a much wanted pregnancy. I also had a stillbirth last year at 30 weeks (placental blood clot) which was absolutely devastating.

Is there anyone else who feels more philosophical about miscarriage rather than devastated? Or am I just emotionally colder than other women?

OP posts:

steppemum · 02/02/2021 10:38

I have had 4 mcs.

Emotionally each one wasveyr different.

The first, before I had any kids, was the worst, even though physically it was pretty early. I think it broke in me forever the idea that you get pregnant and have a baby. Every pregnancy afterwards I knew was only a maybe.

Then I had my son, and then 2 more mcs. One of those was horrible physically, but somehow, I coped must better, and felt quite philisophical about them, and sad, but not devastated. Like you, I was not devastated.
My last mc, between dc 2 and 3 was also physically tough, but emotionally very easy. I think I had a very 'what will be will be' attitude.

I suspect, that compared to your awful experience last year, this is emotionally manageable?

I know that for some every mc is the end of the world, and I get that, but for me, they weren't always.

for you. You sound as if generally it has been quite a long haul?

Justcallmecaptainobvious · 02/02/2021 10:43

Every reaction is valid.

I had a miscarriage, I felt like I knew from the start that something wasn’t right and so when I miscarried it wasn’t really a surprise. I feel a vague wistfulness when I think of it, but I’ve never grieved, and I don’t feel a connection to a lot of the ways people talk about miscarriage - I wouldn’t refer to my son as a “rainbow baby” for instance. It was medically a difficult experience for me and that’s the overriding thing I think of.

I don’t think it makes you emotionally cold at all, different people experience things differently and that’s ok.

Original poster

beelzeboob · 02/02/2021 10:44

I think maybe you’re right about having had the stillbirth last year has made this experience much much more manageable.

I haven’t had problems getting pregnant both times, but have yet to carry to term. So the last year has been a tough one. But yesterday’s news was definitely bad, but not the end of the world.

OP posts:

PartyofPun · 02/02/2021 10:44

Maybe you’ve cushioned yourself to it? Maybe compared to the first loss it’s less of a shock? I think someone that’s had a few knocks from life perhaps tries to stay on an even keel rather than getting too emotionally involved.

Maybe it will come out later however or in some wierd way.
I don’t think there’s a normal way to deal with grief! You do what you need to do.
I’m so sorry for your losses OP, and wish you luck if you choose to try again x

Tellto · 02/02/2021 10:47

most women in my family had miscarriages amd had spoken openly about it, so i knew about them, and think so me it seemed like something which could easily happen from the start so I was neither too surprised or gutted about it.. more just disappointed.
I'm sure if it had been second trimester onwards it would have been a lot more difficult for me.

Fascinationends · 02/02/2021 10:48

I was very philosophical too, OP. I absolutely understand why some women may not be, but for me, it was early (8 weeks ish) and I just chalked it up to nature. It was my second pregnancy - I never got pregnant again despite trying for many years, but it was not for me a lost baby.

starrynight21 · 02/02/2021 10:54

I was the same - I had 4 mc and felt pretty much like that every time. Two were before I had a child, then I had another two after that and before I had my 2nd child. The first two , I wasn't particularly desperate to be pregnant, but once I'd had a child and wanted another one , I had a great deal of trouble conceiving so those two subsequent pregnancies were very much wanted . So it was a different scenario each time .

I lost each of them at around the same time frame, about 8-12 weeks in duration, and I had very little warning. One happened torrentially at work, one in the car driving home from a wedding, and two happened more "normally" at home.

Like you I was pretty philosophical about all of them. I wanted to be pregnant, and was excited about having a baby, but when I lost them I decided that since the foetus was not able to survive, I'd accept the loss and move on.

I don't think you are abnormal at all . I understand that every woman has a different experience, but you certainly shouldn't feel that you are abnormal because you don't feel the same as some other women .

I do hope you have good fortune in the future.

user1471523870 · 02/02/2021 10:54

I had 4 early-ish miscarriages and lost a baby at 30 weeks before having my son. Except for the loss of my baby girl, my reaction to all previous miscarriages has been similar to yours.
I was sad of course, but as I had fertility issues and was very much involved in the medical aspect of it, I accepted the losses relatively quickly and was grieving more my broken dreams than the loss of the embryos in a way.

joystir59 · 02/02/2021 11:00

I think it's brilliant that you've posted on here about your experience of not being devastated. It shows that there can be a range of responses to MC and all of them are normal. I experienced infertility and was able to adjust to not getting pregnant or giving birth- I wasn't emotionally crippled by it.

Llamapolice · 02/02/2021 11:07

It's a totally valid response. I have a scientific nature, I'd describe myself as quite a logical person and it often leads me to think the way you do about things, I personally really do see an early pregnancy as a bundle of cells for example, whilst completely understanding that others feel totally different. I just think some people's brains are wired more that way.

Original poster

beelzeboob · 02/02/2021 11:08

Thanks for your responses everyone, feels good to know I’m not alone with this and I’m not abnormal

I don’t want to discuss it with my real life friends who’ve had miscarriages and really struggled because I don’t want to belittle their experience which was devastating for them

OP posts:

Original poster

beelzeboob · 02/02/2021 11:09

Or rather I don’t want them to feel like I’m belittling their experience

OP posts:

Original poster

beelzeboob · 02/02/2021 11:10

@Llamapolice yes I would describe myself as logical and I have a strong science background so totally with you on that

OP posts:

tubbycustardtummyache · 02/02/2021 11:12

I’ve had a lot of pregnancy loss and remember with the last few just shrugging my shoulders and going back to work the next day. That’s not to say they’re forgotten though. They’re very much in my thoughts around anniversaries of due dates and my living children talk about their brothers and sisters
Everyone grieves in their own way. Your way is just as valid as someone who is upset enough to need to take a lot of time off. I used to hate being told it would hit me eventually, it never did!

LizzieSiddal · 02/02/2021 11:13

So sorry about your losses

My Sister had a stillbirth at 34 weeks, and I know that for me, my 3 miscarriages came nothing close to her devastating experience, so whilst I was sad about them, they really didn't bother me too much.

steppemum · 02/02/2021 11:15

My second mc (when I was quite philisophical) was at a very similar time to a friend who also mc. She was wiped out by it.

That was hard, as I had felt that way previously, but not that time. She expected me to feel as she did. And yet, when I was strugglign after my first mc, she had no idea what I was going through.

Very hard to have different reactions to others. But all quite normal.

LizzieSiddal · 02/02/2021 11:16

I have a scientific nature, I'd describe myself as quite a logical person and it often leads me to think the way you do about things, I personally really do see an early pregnancy as a bundle of cells for example

I also very much agree with this.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/02/2021 11:19

I was the same, sadness but certainly not devastated …. my thinking at the time was "at least I can conceive, so it'll happen again".

Stillbirth is a completely different situation thought OP

EssentialHummus · 02/02/2021 11:21

I’m sorry op . Fwiw I was like you immediately after my loss but then a few months on a casual friend announced their pregnancy and tbh it took until what would have been my due date to get back to a semblance of normality - I was angry, hurt, grieving, all sorts. I was and am lucky to have had a few patient friends at my side to help me through.

I don’t want to offer a cautionary tale - women react in all kinds of ways - but for me it went from 0 to 100.

ChikiTIKI · 02/02/2021 11:22

I had a miscarriage about the same time. I suspected something was not right all along as I had spotting which started out very gradual and got a bit more over a few weeks. Although it wasn't much I just knew something was wrong. Didn't start feeling tired and sick either. So I had a scan and there was no heartbeat, wonky shaped sac etc.

I was prepared for it and although sad at the time, I wasn't absolutely devastated and moved on once the process was over. I remember feeling confused like why are we being taken to a private room after the scan.

It's OK not to feel a lot of sadness. Don't feel like you have to replace those feelings with guilt either. It's a positive thing that you're coping OK with it mentally.

It's also OK if you still want to have a cry about it sometimes in many years to come when you're 90!

LizFlowers · 02/02/2021 11:24

I found miscarriage a horrible experience; painful, bloody (worse than giving birth full term), and took a long time to recover physically but I didn't feel sad about it. These things happen all the time to all sorts of people, I was no different.

Coconutfatfeast · 02/02/2021 12:07

There isn’t a right or wrong way to feel. You aren’t abnormal. There is a whole range of complex reasons why miscarriage for some women will be devastating and for others disappointing or even a relief. You can only feel what you feel, don’t put pressure on yourself by comparing yourself to others. I hope everything works out for you.

CookieMumsters · 02/02/2021 12:29

Lots of PP have mentioned not being surprised or having expected it and for me that was the difference.

My first MC, I never saw coming, it hadn't even occurred to me I might have a MC. I was devastated. The three MC that followed, I was more aware of the possibility and like the OP I felt sad. Just, sad.

DoubleTweenQueen · 02/02/2021 12:55

@beelzeboob Hello. Sorry to hear of your sad and disappointing experiences. Having been through similar, and also from a medical background, I also felt like I'd not suffered an enormous loss, and put it down to nature taking it's course and something just not being right to allow the pregnancy to continue. It's an amazing process, making a new human being. I have two now though, so that undoubtedly helps.

NoImagination90210 · 02/02/2021 13:00

It sounds like your stillbirth was such a big event in your life, that this feels like it’s not as big in comparison. Perhaps you’ve closed yourself off from feeling pain like that again?

It’s ok to feel how you feel. You don’t have to be devastated. You can just be sad. You can be ok.

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