Late miscarriage at 17 weeks

[Heartbroken2020]

Yesterday I found out that my baby has died. It was just a routine midwife appointment, she offered to listen to the heartbeat but couldn’t find it. She reassured me that this was normal at this early stage but because of early bleeding and my anxiety she sent me up to the hospital to get reassurance. I was actually excited at the thought of another scan. Ironically, it was the first appointment where I didn’t work myself in to an anxious frenzy. I just went with it, excited that we were another appointment closer to baby being here.

Fast forward an hour and 2 other midwives also couldn’t find a heartbeat. I was sent for scan and there he was, just dead. My heart is broken. I had spent the first 15 weeks with hyperemesis and bleeding so had only very recently got my head around the fact things were going to be ok.

I just don’t understand why this has happened and I’m petrified of what’s to come. I’ve got to go back this morning for the start of the induction process. I don’t want to stay at the hospital because I hate them, but on the other hand I’m prettified of something happening at home.

I wish I could sleep to give my mind a rest, I’ve replayed yesterday and the weeks leading up to it a million times. I just really wish things had been different.

I'm so so sorry. It's terribly unfair and absolutely heartbreaking. Sending strength to you over the next few days and beyond. Do you have good support around you?

I'm so sorry . I've been in a similar position (but earlier) and it was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced and it must be even tougher at this stage. Be kind to yourself, it will take time to come through this. Sending love

Thank you for your kind messages. I am so lucky to be surrounded by people who love me but if I’m honest, I want to hide away and just pretend this isn’t happening.

I had 3 early scans because of heavy bleeding and each time I convinced myself it would be bad news. And each time I saw that tiny heart beating away. Yesterday it honestly didn’t occur to me that it wouldn’t be ok. I’d finally accepted that maybe things were going to be good.

It just feels so cruel, and so unfair.

@BadCatDirtyCat I’m so sorry you’ve been through this too. I wouldn’t wish this heart break on my worst enemy.

Yesterday it honestly didn’t occur to me that it wouldn’t be ok. I’d finally accepted that maybe things were going to be good I think that's one of the worst things, you start to have faith and then are proved wrong .

I don't know much about the procedure once you get to 17 weeks but others might. And of course please do post here to vent emotionally.. xx

And wishing you strength for today

@Heartbroken2020 even a very early mc absolutely floored me for many months. It steals the joy out of everything as you imagine how things might have been. Be really kind to yourself. Thinking of you x

Thank you for the kind messages.

I’ve been to the hospital and have taken a tablet that will soften my cervix. I have to go back on Saturday morning to be induced. Labour could take hours or days. I’m just praying it’s over quickly so I can get home to DS1. I have so many decisions that I need to make but my head is all over the place. Hoping sleep will be kind to me tonight so I have a clearer head tomorrow.

Did you manage to get much sleep? I hope you have someone with you today. Xx

I had a good sleep until about 4am then for that split second, when I woke, I thought everything was ok. Then my heart broke all over again. I have honestly never felt pain like it.

I have the most amazing man by my side, and a wonderful family too. I just feel horrendous that I’ve put them all through such disappointment. They were all so excited for us, this was DP’s first. He is so sad. Poor DS just wants me to be ok.

Thank you for the message @BadCatDirtyCat.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. What a horrible, horrible thing to happen. I'm glad you have a good partner. Look after yourselves.

Today has been a strange old day. A day full of nothingness, a day of waiting. I am torn...half of me wants it all to be over but the other half wishes I could hide away with my baby tucked up where it should be. I don’t not want to be pregnant. I don’t want it all to be over. I keep looking at my little bump wondering how and why this had to go so terribly wrong.

Tomorrow I will go to hospital and give birth to my baby and leave with nothing but a broken heart. It just all feels so unfair.

Sorry to read this Heartbroken.
I have had two miscarriages at this stage of pregnancy. One at 16 weeks 5 days and one at 18 weeks 3 days.One was naturally occurring and i was at home. The other was induced in the hospital. If I can be of help with questions just let me know.

@ChanklyBore I’m so sorry you’ve been through this, I just can’t imagine having to do this twice.

I’m just kinda wondering how I’ll ever be ok again. My heart physically hurts. Can you advise me on how to get through the next few days/ weeks please? I feel like I can’t do it.

Well, you could look for reasons. That helps some people. Not reasons in a self-blaming way. But you will likely be asked if you’d like a post mortem, so you might feel more armed with reasons, if you look into what that might find. I’m someone who looks for facts, so that made sense for me. It also helped with my next decision, which was when/whether to try again.

In terms of processes, have you given your baby a name? Me and my DH are the only ones who know the names we gave to the little ones, they only time anyone ever asked us was when we filled in the paperwork for a post mortem, so I have that little piece of paperwork filed away, as it is the only time my baby’s name was ever written down. For my first loss, there isn’t a single scrap of evidence she ever existed, and that is an extra sadness for me.

It does hurt, there is no way round it, so I’m sorry if I sound overly factual. It hurts. And it’s not fair. And it won’t change. And you will find it hard. And you won’t forget. Other people will, and that will be hard too. It’s hard to compare the experience to those of others because second trimester miscarriage is very different to both first trimester miscarriage and stillbirth, it doesn’t bear much resemblance to either, it’s a horrid middle ground. But it does get easier, and you can hold on until it does, I promise. I will always feel a pang for the unfilled holes in my family but it lessens, and I have accepted that.

Do you have support from a partner or husband? Close friend or relative? Can you contact the miscarriage association? They are very good.

We have agreed that we would like a post mortem in the hope it will provide some answers.

I’m very lucky because I have such an amazing network of people around me. Part of me feels bad for making them suffer this too. Everyone was so excited and now everyone is devastated.

I just keep thinking about this time last week. I want to feel like that again, I want to feel hopeful and excited. I also feel bad because I spent so many of the first weeks (whilst rotten with hyperemesis) looking forward to no longer being pregnant.

Op I am so sorry. Sending you love and strength

I'm so sorry to hear this OP, sending you hugs and strength. I'm glad to hear you have a kind DP at your side and supportive family and friends around you.

Wishing you strength to get through today OP. Please don't feel bad for the effect this is having on others.. it's horribly sad for everyone but most of all you, and it's not your fault in any way. Look after yourself and hopefully they are looking after you too xx

I am so sorry to read this OP.
We lost our little boy at 16 weeks in 2018 and it was without the hardest thing we have ever been through. I know it feels impossible now, but you will learn to smile and find joy again. I’m pleased you will be having a post mortem, hopefully this will give you some answers.

Theres a huge online community for babyloss on Instagram which you may find comforting, to talk to others in the same situation and know that everything you are feeling is completely normal. I had days where I would feel blind rage, completely numb and then unable to stop crying all in the space of an hour. This is grief and it’s taken until now for me to truly understand it.

If you have the concentration to read right now I would recommend reading The Baby loss guide and Ask me his name. Both sensitively written by women who have gone through baby loss and it helped hugely again in understanding the emotions I was experiencing and supporting my DH.

Take all the support you can get from people around you and don’t feel you have to ever minimise your pain for anybody else.
Sending you lots of love and warm wishes.

Thank you for your kind messages. It’s strange but it feels easier to type how I’m feeling than to say it aloud to the people around me. I know they’re hurting too.

I am dreading today, I just have an overwhelming feeling of not wanting the baby to go. I know he’s died, but whilst he’s in there atleast we are together. I can pretend for that brief moment when I wake up and touch my bump, that everything is ok. On the other hand, my big DS needs me home so I just pray it is quick and straightforward. He keeps asking when I’ll be home and if anything could happen to me. I just want to protect him from all this.

Good luck for today. My induced miscarriage was over in 45 minutes, and I was at the hospital for a grand total of two and a half hours, so I hope the same is true for you.

It took three months for our post mortem results to be returned, and when they were returned, they showed that there was nothing wrong. Please do know that it’s sometimes as hard not to know, as to know.

How are you doing OP?

Hi @Heartbroken2020, so sorry to hear of your devastating loss. I lost my baby at 20 weeks late November so I share some of your pain. My advice is to keep all the items from the memory box you will be given, even if it’s too painful at the time. I actually left ours in the delivery room when we moved rooms but a midwife chased us down to give it back and I’m so glad she did, it brings a lot of comfort now we are a few months down the road of grief. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to see baby but I’m so glad we did, and I took a photo that only my husband and I will ever see but I bring it up on my phone every now and then to ease the pain. We were given a little teddy and a matching one was placed in baby’s basket and it brought a lot of comfort in the early days to hold onto the bear. I wish I had thought to put in a necklace or something too but never mind. I bought myself a ring a few months after the loss and think of it as baby’s ring, I give it a little rub when I’m hit by waves of grief. Sending all my love x

I’m doing ok I suppose. Thank you for asking.

Yesterday went as well as it possibly could and I’m just so grateful that my body did exactly what it needed to do. I was induced at 2 and baby was born just after 7. I was so worried there would be complications or induction would take days so I was happy to be home to DS in the early hours of this morning.

I was extremely lucky to have my DP and amazing mum with me and they were so so brave. I was so worried that they’d be traumatised by the whole thing but in the end, it was actually ok. We spent some time with baby, he was so so small but perfect. He had the tiniest fingers and toes.

The midwife was amazing, I was so frightened and she was so calm and reassuring. What an amazing person she is to do a job like that.

The hospital gave us a beautiful keepsake box with some lovely hand and footprints, a teddy and the book ‘Guess how much I love you?’ I know we’ll treasure it forever. I’m going to show DS it soon, I hope he’ll find some comfort from it too.

I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus today, every bone in my body hurts. I’ve got the emptiest feeling and my heart aches. I just really wish things could’ve been different.

I’m so sorry for anyone else who has been through this, it’s heartbreaking. 💔