Yesterday I found out that my baby has died. It was just a routine midwife appointment, she offered to listen to the heartbeat but couldn’t find it. She reassured me that this was normal at this early stage but because of early bleeding and my anxiety she sent me up to the hospital to get reassurance. I was actually excited at the thought of another scan. Ironically, it was the first appointment where I didn’t work myself in to an anxious frenzy. I just went with it, excited that we were another appointment closer to baby being here.
Fast forward an hour and 2 other midwives also couldn’t find a heartbeat. I was sent for scan and there he was, just dead. My heart is broken. I had spent the first 15 weeks with hyperemesis and bleeding so had only very recently got my head around the fact things were going to be ok.
I just don’t understand why this has happened and I’m petrified of what’s to come. I’ve got to go back this morning for the start of the induction process. I don’t want to stay at the hospital because I hate them, but on the other hand I’m prettified of something happening at home.
I wish I could sleep to give my mind a rest, I’ve replayed yesterday and the weeks leading up to it a million times. I just really wish things had been different.