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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

I have just found out DS's teacher is not at school because she had a mid-term miscarriage. I had one too and feel compelled to write to her...

31 replies

BBBee · 07/09/2007 16:02

..is this completely inappropiate?

She is a teacher at the school not my friend BUT I know this is quite rare and very hard to relate to unless it has happened.

?????

OP posts:

goingfor3 · 07/09/2007 16:05

I have suffered 2 mid term miscarriages and would have appreciated a letter from someone I didn't really know either time. When she goes back to work she may feel as if it's an escape from what happened but if she's sees you may start to feel very emotional. I guess everyone deals with it in different ways, it's so nice of you to think of her.

MaryAnnSingleton · 07/09/2007 16:06

it's a sweet idea, but not sure of the protocol here - would say yes though, if it was my ds' teacher and I had had a similar experience.

goingfor3 · 07/09/2007 16:06

I meant to say would not

jalopy · 07/09/2007 16:13

I think that's a tricky one. Lovely idea but I don't think it's appropriate.
I think the teacher might want to safeguard that parent/teacher relationship in the long run. This would be difficult if she disclosed anything personal to you.
Pehaps a teacher on here might have another view.
Sorry to hear of your loss, BBBee

Kathyis6incheshigh · 07/09/2007 16:14

I would send a card rather than a letter - with just a line or two in like 'I have experienced this too and know how hard it is'.
That's if she knows you know. If she is trying to keep it quiet and you found out through some roundabout route, I would not do it.

Boco · 07/09/2007 16:15

It depends on the letter really - i don't think it's inappropriate to write a letter sending your best wishes and saying you've been through this too. It'd only be appropriate if it was too heavy or personal maybe?

It's a lovely thought.

littleducks · 07/09/2007 16:18

Honestly, i would be upset if i received a card or letter purely because i wouldnt want people to know and if they did i would want to try and forget they did. But im sure others would feel differently, im just more private than some.

Original poster

BBBee · 07/09/2007 16:29

oh I should of said the whole school heard about it in the newsletter today as she wantd people to know.

I appreciate the help - I thinhk a heavy letter is too much - maybe just a card - maybe nothing ???

OP posts:

goingfor3 · 07/09/2007 16:34

If people knew she was pregnant she probably wanted it to go in the news letter so people wouldn't ask how things are going with her pregnancy. Maybe a card wishing her well but I wouldn't mention that you also had one.

MaryAnnSingleton · 07/09/2007 16:35

goingfor3's advice seems right to me

Flibbertyjibbet · 07/09/2007 16:38

When my cousins wife had m/c I sent a card with a short letter in it and just briefly said that I had gone through the same (which none of the family knew) and that my thoughts were with her at this sad time. I think I would do the same for a teacher as its nice to know you are not 'alone' in a painful situation.

cazzybabs · 07/09/2007 19:05

I am a teacher and I would have loved a letter. I think it is very sweet idea and hope you write it.

seeker · 07/09/2007 19:17

If it's public knowledge, then I would definitely write. And I would say that you have gone through the same thing - it's very easy to feel alone in these circumstances. It certainly can't do any harm.

Christie · 07/09/2007 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jossiejump · 08/09/2007 18:08

I'm a teacher and would have appreciated a note saying something like, "I've experienced this to, if you'd like to talk to someone who uderstands..." after my m/cs. I really do feel that people cannot understand what it is like if they haven't experienced it. I know I have gained some comfort talking to people who have been through it (some I knew well, others not)

poppy34 · 08/09/2007 18:46

no bbee- send the letter When I was in a similar position, someone sent me an email saying she'd been through something the same thing and was there to talk. I was so glad she did as like I couldnt have got through it without support of those who had been through it in RL and on MN

allgonebellyup · 08/09/2007 18:48

oooh tricky one but i wouldnt... i think she would prefer to keep a distance between the teacher and parent thing, and not think everyone is talking about her situation iyswim..
if it was me as the teacher i wouldnt want everyone to know..

Tortington · 08/09/2007 18:49

a card with " i have been through the same thing earlier i the year...if ever you want to talk"

Uki · 09/09/2007 11:56

I'm a teacher and have suffered 3 early m/c's myself. I would appreciate a card as it means someone is thinking of you and you are not so alone, you could put your email address and she could then contact you if she needed to. I don't think anyone could possibly hold it against you or think bad of anyone who acknowledges our grief, worst thing is when people don't mention it and sweep it under the carpet.

I also think some group flowers from parents/children would not be out of place, it will be very hard to come back to class without feeling acknowledged, especially if she has no other children.

Aitch · 09/09/2007 12:00

i agree with custy. i've never had anything as awful but i have had some pg-related shit and you just feel so lonely about it...

NKF · 09/09/2007 12:04

A card sounds okay but I would keep the personal revelation out of it.

Aitch · 09/09/2007 12:09

really? i would completely say, that would seem to me to be the point in fact. it's fascinating how different we all are, isn't it?

NKF · 09/09/2007 12:11

It's a tough one to call but I can remember periods when I didn't want to hear about other people's pain when I was dealing with my own. Of course, sometimes you want to share but when in doubt etc...

motherinferior · 09/09/2007 12:32

I think it is a really kind idea. A card, saying you've experienced the same thing. It's not 'sharing your pain', it's offering support.

NKF · 09/09/2007 12:33

Except it can not seem like that MI.

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