Loss at 7 weeks 2nd IVF
MrsLouB · 28/02/2020 20:51
Hi all i have just gone through my 2nd ivf after 14years of early MC and had a BFP great levels and then bad cramps and spotting. Confirmed today empty or very small in sac so i stopped my meds. But was confused as to why my ivf clinic wanted to refer me to the EPU? Any others had this? As when this happened naturally they couldn't help.
Anyway was wondering if this is normal i stopped meds today so tonight's and took of estrogen patches and just had the most awful gush almost shot like blood drenched me and clotty tissues. Now other times i remember this it was never like that so i wonder if the extra hormone drugs have made it worse xx just feel so angry
CupcakeEater · 15/03/2020 20:42
Hello @MrsLouB, I had similar news at my 6wk scan a few days ago. I'd had no cramping or spotting and it was a bit of a shock. My IVF clinic have made no mention of EPU. They took bloods after my scan and I am going back for another on Tuesday to see how things are progressing. Given the HCG results from my bloods it'll be quite a while before I get a bleed unless they medically intervene. How are you doing? Did you have to go to EPU in the end?
MrsLouB · 16/03/2020 06:50
Hi @CupcakeEater im sorry to hear what your going through. I had the scan on tuesday and blood drawn the results came 9500 so still high on the friday when i had the next scan they only saw a 2mm embryo or something so said it had gone and at that time i was told about EPU but as i had been bleeding all week already light scanty was told i could just go home and wait and should bleed within a week. I bleed that evening and the saturday and still today 2 weeks later all be it brown..
I think they do it as you will need care that they do not provide as they discharge you, i havent even been contacted by my clinic which im kinda pissed about as i feel like just a money machine and not a patient.
Wishing you the best of luck x
CupcakeEater · 16/03/2020 16:41
Thanks @MrsLouB your clinic sound shit. It's an awful thing to go through, let alone being made to feel like a number. Are you planning to try again? If so, it may be time for another clinic...
Hoping the bleeding's over for you soon and best of luck to you too whatever you decide to do x
MrsLouB · 17/03/2020 07:08
Thanks @CupcakeEater i have one left in the freezer so will be trying again so sorta stuck with the clinic too. Still sort bleeding but passed what i think was emmi last night so hoping will finally be on the finishing line
BambiOnIce80 · 17/03/2020 09:45
I'm so, so sorry to see you both here @MrsLouB and @CupcakeEater, but I hope I can join you both? I'm really missing the support of our old 'birth club' and could really use a hand hold. I feel broken 😔
MrsLouB · 17/03/2020 09:55
Hi @BambiOnIce80 so sorry to see you here too :-( i am struggling still too.
i am here if you wan to vent xx i have all these feelings of why after all this time 14 years and finally everything was so strong and then ripped away from me. I also cannot help to still count the weeks and my DH said to stop i think it is easier for them too alittle as their body does not go through it x
BambiOnIce80 · 17/03/2020 10:26
Oh @MrsLouB it's just f🤬king horrific, isn't it?! 😢 And after 14 years? I'm as heart broken for you as I am for me 💔 This'll be 10 years for me now and I'd never even dared to think I'd ever get a BFP or picture what having a family would look like. I'd just started to wrap my head around the idea that things were looking good (7 week viability scan) and this was really happening and then, like you say, it's ripped away from you and you're left in tatters. I know 22% of pregnancies don't progress beyond 12 weeks, but I'd oddly not been worried about that since everything looked good at the 7 week scan (more fool me 🙄). Then we're told on Sunday at what should have been 10+5 that we're only measuring 8+5 and there's no heartbeat. It was a private clinic with a big 42“ US monitor on the wall in front of the gurney and I'd clocked that the embie was looking limp and lifeless with no flicker of a heartbeat before the sonographer even said it 😔 That image has flashed up every time I wake up in the middle of the night since (the same is happening to DP too 😢). But the absolute worst thing that I can't get out of my head was watching DP's handsome, excited face change from pure excitement and love at seeing the embie to total despair and anguish as she told us the news. I can't stop thinking about it and it's slaying me. Every. Single. Time.
And my ever optimistic body hasn't got the memo yet that it's not really pregnant anymore (well, it is, but it isn't 🤯). I've not had even a trace or tinge of a bleed yet, so I've chosen to go the medical management route which should hopefully be happening over the weekend 🤞The EPU nurse I have to say was fantastic yesterday, but she did say something that made me think "WTF, really?! 🤨". She said "I bet you wish you wish you'd never gone for that scan yesterday" (BTW, I was only going for the NIPT bloods for trisomy risk because I was doing my own head in worrying about it - the scan was supposed to be part of that to make sure we were passed 10 weeks for the test to be valid 🙄)... how does she think it would have been better to find this out next Friday at my 12+3 scan than now and to at least start dealing with it?! 🤯
Anyway. Thank you so much for letting me vent ❤️ Please vent right back at me! I'm so, so missing the comaradery and support of other people going through the same thing 😔 I think we still really need each other at this most awful of times.x
MrsLouB · 17/03/2020 11:24
oh @BambiOnIce80 im am so so sorry for you bless your heart xx ❤️
I am so sorry you have gone through that i know what you been though, i was so happy seeing all the strong lines and hearing the numbers and then the scan came for us it was 7 weeks and no heart beat but still id never seen anything in there before and my DH was heartbroken and so angry. I still have the vision on the image on screen so i totally understand that, it will fade in time but it will take time. you have lost your baby we have lost ours and our family, our dream and that will take time to get our heads around ❤️
WTF why would she say that like going at 12 weeks and finding out would of been better! some people just dont think but maybe she didnt mean for it to come out that way. ! Moran
I was already thinking on having a private scan if all was ok at 7 weeks becos i would not wait till 12 so ...
I hope the weekend will be kind to you but i warn you it will not be pleasant! i have been bleeding for 3.5 half weeks 1.5 before confirmed MC and i had passed some huge clots and gushes for a day or so and then last night a full 3.5 weeks i passed something else, it looked very much like a sac and embie 😢 So keep your chin up, cry and laugh do not feel bad for that. You will go through days being ok and then think f**k this its so unfair.
❤️ thanks for letting me vent, i agree i do miss asking people if its normal whats going on and having the support so i am here all the time if needed xxx
CupcakeEater · 17/03/2020 13:33
Hello @BambiOnIce80 I'm sorry to see you here too but vent away. I think we could all do with some support right now and I was considering setting up a thread when I saw this one. I can't imagine how it feels to have good news at the viability scan and then find out that embie has stopped growing.
I am feeling very much like you @MrsLouB, lots of whys and I keep thinking I should be x number of weeks / days now. 1st ever positive pregnancy test and I feel like I fell at the first hurdle. My 1st IVF cycle resulted in a total failed fertilisation and this was my 2nd. It's like I only get the tiniest bit further along each time. I've got nothing in the freezer so it's back to another fresh cycle at some point to try again. I am starting to worry that my eggs are just rubbish to be honest.
It's so cruel to get a positive over so many years and then it's gone, 10 & 14yrs, you poor things.
I saw my clinic again today and the sac has grown so my body's not getting the memo either but there's defo nothing there. It seems that the embie embedded but would have died within 24-48hrs and been reabsorbed by my body whilst the sac carried on growing and pumping out HCG. The embie was most likely already gone when I got my positive pregnancy test 😢 For me, it's just a case of waiting for a bleed now. My clinic have been very supportive, they've said to expect a bleed within 3 weeks and that it could go on for some weeks. I am hoping you are over the worst of it MrsLouB. A close family member had a miscarriage at the end of last year so I feel kind of prepared for it.
CupcakeEater · 17/03/2020 13:35
Also @Minster2012 if you're out there and needing a handhold too then please join us.
CupcakeEater · 17/03/2020 13:36
- after not over so many years
BambiOnIce80 · 17/03/2020 14:51
I cannot imagine what it must feel like seeing the embie being passed @MrsLouB 😢 I'm terrified of that, but know I'm going to have to prepare myself for it 😔 That said, how the f🤬k can you prepare yourself for that?! I've opted to go into hospital for the medical management process because the thought of going through this trauma in my home, my safe space, makes me feel physically sick and full-on panicky (I know that's probably a really weird reaction/thought process, but it's the way I am 🤦♀️). They're apparently giving us a side room for it (thank you Covid19 for freeing them all up due to cancelled elective surgeries! 😬) and they reckon it'll take around 36 hours after taking the medication for the process to be 'over'... not entirely sure what their definition of 'over' is, but I expect I'll be bleeding for some time afterwards? I think you are so strong for getting through this at home ❤️
I think that's what adds an extra element of excruciating pain for us @CupcakeEater - not only are we miscarrying (which is horrific for any woman 💔) but we've got the extra added 💩ness of we need to go through IVF/FET to even stand a chance of trying again (I apologise for being doom and gloom, but I'm feeling especially sorry for myself at the moment!). We can't just DTD for a few months and then, BANG, BFP 🙄 I'm so sorry that your body didn't get the memo either ❤️ I broke the news to my parents yesterday (we were going to tell them at Easter when we were well clear of 12 weeks, but obviously not happening now 😣) and my step-DM told me that she'd miscarried with her first. She went on to have my step-DSis and step-DB, so that was a little ray of hope that I might get there in the end 🤞🔮
... Talking of (and I'm sorry if this is going to a very dark place 😣) - is it only me that's totally bricking myself that this was it? This was the only time I'm ever going to manage to get a BFP and this is how it ends? 😢 Up until now we've felt really lucky that we've got 5 frosties, but I can't help but think they'll either not be viable once defrosted, will end up being BFN's, or the same awful thing is going to happen if I am lucky enough to get another BFP 😢 Our chance of getting a BFP on a fresh cycle was only 15% at my age (so I've always felt it was too good to be true, and I was sadly right 🙄) and I can't imagine being so lucky again 😢 I'd be worried about another MMC the whole time too! I feel like this has stolen any pleasure I may get if we were fortunate enough to get pregnant again 😔 My brain is already racing ahead to getting on the self-funded FET waiting list and I've not even miscarried yet! 🤦♀️ What's wrong with me?!?!
MrsLouB · 17/03/2020 15:15
@CupcakeEater So sorry to hear that i was lucky my body was the first clue something was up! it can be so cruel sometimes it really can. I am like you our first 1VF results in nothing and this was our 1st FET which they made sure my lining was at the right thickness as i think that has always been my issue even with Natural Mc etc.
I am praying that things go as smoothly as they can for you x
its such a roller coaster going via all this and to have a BFP and then you are never truly out of the woods until the baby is born ( well thats how i feel now) xx
MrsLouB · 17/03/2020 15:20
@BambiOnIce80 thank you its the second time ive had a MC at that stage well the other was slightly earlier so had expected it but i thought it might of been earlier. Sometimes you will not notice anything it may not look any different but sometimes you can just tell xx
i get the excruciating pain part as i mentioned this was our last hooray and IVF st failed cycle and 2nd FET which was taken away and now i have one left one last chance and i think why? why would i be lucky now when all this has just happened to me !! i had my baby i was hoping and wishing for and had it all planned out, i had started to get excited but no!
i think we have to have hope it is hard to find it at the moment but we do!
My age plays a massive factor i turn 40 soon and my AMH was very low when i tests 2.5 so i have very little faith unless IVF works again. plus i seemed to of put on a tone of weight going via IVF since October so now i need to lose that. But at the present moment in time i just want to feel sad and eat xxx
BambiOnIce80 · 17/03/2020 17:10
I turn 40 in a month and a bit too @MrsLouB, so I totally get you ❤️ And I've put on plenty of weight in the first few weeks of my BFP because of the eating to control the nausea 😔 I would've liked to have gone for a run today to start getting my fitness back (haven't dared go on one since staring long protocol in December), but with this whole 'social distancing' thing I thought I'd best leave it 🙄
That's another thing that upset me massively yesterday - I watched BoJo's daily update yesterday and they said about pregnant women needing to self-isolate and my brain automatically went "ooh, that's me, I need to pay attention to this" before reality kicked in and reminded me that I'm not in that category anymore 😔 I've got no little life in me to protect anymore and I need to reprogramme my brain identifying myself as 'pregnant' 😣 The brightside should be that I can have a glass of wine, eat all the things I couldn't before, but I just can't bring myself to do it before I miscarry (which makes no f🤬king sense, I know 🙄).
You're absolutely right about having to try and find the hope 💖 I think I'm just so overwhelmed by the prospect of having to go back to the IVF clinic when I thought that that place was behind us for a while 😔 Plus the whole Covid19 thing is worrying me because I bet it's going to destroy the waiting times 😣 I cope by having a solid plan in place, and that seems a long way away at the moment. A crystal ball would be handy around about now, wouldn't it?! 🔮 xx
CupcakeEater · 17/03/2020 19:39
I am bricking it too. Age is less of a factor for me as I'm 33 but after 5yrs of trying I don't think I can face another 5 (or more). It'll break me. I'm in awe that you've both carried on for so long, I just don't think I can.
I am really concerned about my egg quality though, first IVF short protocol TFF (9 eggs, none fertilised) and then 2nd IVF long protocol 20 eggs which translated to a double transfer of two low grade embies (a drop off rate of 90% when should be more like 70-80%). I am also thinking what if this was it, I'm worried I may need to use donor eggs eventually which costs a lot more.
It is difficult to keep hope going at times like this. I also think maybe our brains are now programmed to find it more "normal" to think things will stay shit then to think they could become good if that makes sense? You are right a crystal ball to know whether this is all worth it in the end would be good.
I put on 7lbs or so this time round and I also want to shift that but can't get my head back in the game with the diet yet. I am tentatively starting to think about when I'll want to try again as I like to have a plan and figure it might help me to know what's coming next.
Oh and of all of things, I had a palm reading approx. 8yrs ago where I was told I'd never have children with my partner so that is constantly going round in my head...
BambiOnIce80 · 17/03/2020 20:05
Jeezus Christ, whoever read your palm was a total arsehole @CupcakeEater! 😠 Who the hell would say such a thing to another human being?! 🤯
That's exactly where I was with TTC too - I couldn't keep going much longer because it was destroying my mental health. DP and I agreed that we'd do the one fresh cycle and use any frosties we were lucky enough to get, but then we were walking away and getting on with our life childless. We love our life as it is, so it's not like everything is meaningless without children for us (I hope that doesn't make me sound conceited! 😳 That's absolutely not how I mean it!), but having had this bit of hope it's really difficult to not want to try again 😔 I just don't know how much more I can put myself through this cycle of hope and disappointment... I really, really do need a bloody crystal ball to tell me how it pans out! 🔮
And I think you're right about expecting things to always be shit as some kind of protective mechanism 👍 I've always been an "expect the worse and hope for the best" kind of girl, which I think is why I'm so pissed off with myself for getting past the 7 week scan and letting my guard down 😔 I was so busy worrying about the trisomy risk that I was blind sided by the embie stopping developing 🤦♀️
Can I ask you both a practicalities based question? I'm self certifying this week and the EPU nurse said to not even think about going back to work until this 'process' is complete (either they'll be signing me off or my GP will, apparently). How much time have you both taken? I guess I'm scrapping around for some kind of time line as to when I might start feeling less devastated and well enough to concentrate at work. I work for the NHS, so this really is the worst possible time for me to be away from work 😣 But then I'm no good to them if I'm not on my A-game 😣 I just feel shit about absolutely everything at the moment 😔
BambiOnIce80 · 17/03/2020 21:27
Just tagging @Minster2012 again because I know she's going to need us as much as I've needed you guys today ❤️
Thank you again for being there for me today ladies 💖 I started crying as soon as I woke up this morning at 7.30am and didn't really stop until 11am when you guys took the time to talk to me. I'm massively grateful.xx
CupcakeEater · 17/03/2020 22:32
Doesn't sound conceited at all, that's exactly how I feel but I think I'd boxed this as unlikely to happen and since that BFP it changed and now I'm worried that was it.
Time wise, my work have been really supportive and I am in a bit of a different situation as I can work from home so I was off for the rest of the week after my 6wk scan on 11th and then I've been working from home since yesterday. I'll be letting work know as soon as it starts and will self certify for the first week and then get signed off afterwards if I need to. It's a really difficult one to judge as you just don't know how you'll feel in advance...It's defo a time to be selfish though and take all the time you need. Physical recovery is one thing and your mind a total other.
Always happy to vent and chat through things, it's such a lonely and painful time. Most of my friends / family know I've been doing IVF and they've tried to be supportive but a lot of them just don't get it.
CupcakeEater · 17/03/2020 22:33
Oh and my clinic said they'd notify my GP so I guess it should be fairly straight forward to get signed off if I need to.
BambiOnIce80 · 17/03/2020 23:04
Doesn't sound conceited at all, that's exactly how I feel but I think I'd boxed this as unlikely to happen and since that BFP it changed and now I'm worried that was it.
That is exactly how I feel - you've nailed it 💖
I'm glad your work have been so understanding with you. My boss said to take all the time I need and not to worry, but I know they'll be really up against it and working from home with this Covid19 going on is really hard to justify. But your right - it's time to be selfish and try to recover as best we can.
You have honestly been a lifeline today and I can't thank you enough 💖 Sharing has helped take away the lonelieness and is helping get it all out. I'm a bit worried about DP though and how he's going to process all this 😔 He has been talking about it, but not so much today - it's like he's crashing after all the emotion (to be expected, I guess). If only there was a dad's net for him to vent on!xx
CupcakeEater · 18/03/2020 15:47
How are you doing today ladies? I think work is helping me at the moment, we are so busy that it's keeping my brain distracted. It's only when I shut my laptop down that I suddenly have time to think...
BambiOnIce80 · 18/03/2020 17:26
Slightly better today, thank you @CupcakeEater 🙂 Started today with a little cry, but managed to drag myself out of bed and into the shower so that's progress. I have my second scan tomorrow, so we should know how many tablets I'll need to take and if I'm still likely to get a sideroom at the hospital on Saturday. I fully appreciate that they might not be able to accommodate that with how things are going, so I'm slowly coming around to the idea of taking them at home if I absolutely have to. I'd still prefer to be in the hospital, but if it's a choice between take the tablets at home or wait another week for a room, then I'll take the tablets at home. I really need to start moving past this, but it's so hard when I've not actually miscarried yet 😔
I'm glad work is keeping you distracted. Are you feeling OK otherwise?xx
CupcakeEater · 18/03/2020 18:40
I'm pleased to hear you're feeling a little better @BambiOnIce80. Today's the first day I haven't cried (yet), I didn't have a lot of symptoms to start with but they've all definitely stopped now so that's made me feel more like my normal self. Just dreading what is to come but wanting it to hurry up too so I can start to move on.
Let us know how you get on tomorrow. I didn't even think about the lack of available beds, as you're already gearing up for it to be this weekend I think you'd be making the right decision to go ahead anyway.
How's your DP been today? My DP was more shocked than me when we got the news, he hadn't got to an excited stage yet but he 100% thought this was it whereas I was a bit reserved/nervous about the whole thing although I defo had my hopes up. We've talked quite a bit and I think he's pretty much got his head round it now.
BambiOnIce80 · 18/03/2020 19:39
My DP was also horribly shocked @CupcakeEater because he was always the positive one 😔 At our 7 week scan we'd been told that our miscarriage risk was down to 2% because of the viable scan and I think we both put faaaaarrrr too much stock in that. He's asked today about what we have to do to get miscarriage counselling together (I offered for him to have individual counselling, but he said he'd much rather go with me), which is a good thing, I think?
Talking of stats, I was reading an info leaflet from the miscarriage association today and I was a bit shocked by what they were saying. It said the risk of miscarriage in any woman in the first trimester was 22% (which I knew), but it then added that that figure doubles if you've suffered from infertility! WTF! 🤯 No one ever mentioned that at our clinic 😣 I don't think it's quite enough to make me not want to try again with at least one frostie, but I'll be asking for some more information from the EPU tomorrow. It's such a bloody lottery, isn't it?
I can totally understand you wanting this to just get on with it and try and get back to normal 💐 I think you're amazing working through this ❤️ I feel so weak that I haven't managed it 😔
I'll definitely give you an update tomorrow, however it may go.xx
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