Just discovered no heart beat at 12 weeks. What do I do now?

[peanutfoldover]

I literally don’t know what to do with myself. Other than feeling sad, guilty and scared.

I’ve had absolutely no symptoms of miscarriage. No pain or bleeding. They think the foetus (is that the correct term?) died about a week ago.

EPAC are calling me tomorrow to discuss my options.

My worry is that I’ll be working all day as a physio in a busy NHS clinic. When they call me I’ll probably be with a patient. Will have to step outside to take the call, compose myself and go back in. And could I just start bleeding at any point? Will it be heavy immediately? Will I have time to get home? I live only 5 mins away.

I’m loathed to take time off work (we have an 8 week wait) but at the same time I’m terrified of the bleeding starting while I’m at work. And also, I’m not sure I could do a days work either.

Would it be normal to go to work? Take the day off?

I just don’t know what to do.

I understand that you have an idea 8 week wait but you are losing your baby. Stay at home and be kind to yourself. I can't imagine being treated by someone in your position - you need to only think about what you can cope with right now. Much love to you

I'm so sorry to read this. I too had a missed miscarriage but not as far as twelve weeks. You must stay at home and not go to work. My baby did not miscarry on itss own so I had surgery. It was a long recovery both physically and mentally.

@peanutfoldover I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I don’t have any real words of advice but hope someone will be along soon to help you. Didn’t want to read and run without saying to take care of yourself through this period

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I had a missed miscarriage a few years ago. Had the scan on a Friday afternoon and told the foetus had died around 9 weeks -, no one around to give me advice til the Monday morning, My miscarriage started that afternoon. It meant it was too late to have a hospital intervention. In my case, the bleeding was heavy and it was uncomfortable, like mild contractions. I used the pads people use after giving birth for the heavy flow. I took my daughter to school while it was happening, was able to walk around, but I would not have wanted to be working - especially a people facing job.

I think it’s a more than valid reason to stay away from work. It is a heartbreaking thing to go through and self care is so important.

I'm so sorry @peanutflower 💐💐💐

I've had this experience - had a MMC at nearly 14 weeks with my first pregnancy. I went to work for one day after I found out; as, like you, I had no symptoms (bleeding etc). It was very surreal but I thought it was the right thing to do.

I was scheduled for an ERPC (used to be called a D&C) but I'd to wait for a week. 2 days after finding out about the miscarriage, I started to miscarry myself & I was really shocked by the blood loss & pain.

I'm not saying this to scare you at all; just to prepare you - I had no clue & it was pretty terrifying & if it had happened in work (it was nighttime, at home), it would have been awful.

I had to be admitted to hospital & had a fairly horrible time, culminating in surgery, which was fine. The recovery from the ERPC was fine, it's a straight-forward procedure but I was very unwell as I'd lost so much blood initially.

So, my advice would be to stay at home, discuss your options with the hospital, and take your time to grieve & recover physically & emotionally. ❤️

I went on to have 3 perfect kids & straightforward pregnancies after so while it is awful for a while, there are brighter times ahead. I'm very sorry OP, sending you good wishes

Sorry OP, I got your name all wrong 🤦🏻‍♀️ @peanutfoldover

The patients won’t ever know though. I have no cover because I’m a specialist (not as fancy as it sounds, just nobody else treats what I treat in my area) so they will just have to wait and see me again in the next available slot 8 weeks away. Generally people assume it’s something trivial. However, the stuff I treat isn’t urgent and doesn’t deteriorate without treatment. So they don’t suffer as such.

I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s really worrying me. Especially as I will need time off for a D&C maybe.

Sorry posted that last one without reading the last few posts. It makes sense to stay home I think

They will just have to wait I'm afraid. It sucks and it shouldn't be that way but everyone gets ill or has problems sometimes and this is your time. Why do you seem so keen to believe that your patients matter more than you do? It is irrelevant that they will not know the issue - you are currently in the process of a horrendous situation and the idea that you can and should just work as usual is just plain wrong. Please take the time you need to cope and recover. In all probability you will end up taking less in the long term if you okapis after yourself now.

I do see where you are coming from OP but I'd strongly recommend taking the time off. I know you are conscious of not letting your patients down but this time, your health comes first.

As you are 12 weeks, unfortunately you might start to bleed before having the procedure, and it could be heavy as the placenta will have started to develop. I had contractions too, which I didn't recognise as such until I was in labour next time, and was dilated by 3 cm. it was effectively (very) early labour.

I would stay at home till you've discussed what to to with the medical team. If you end up with a D&C (which I'd say you will) you won't need much time off physically (the post-surgery bleeding is generally mild, less than a period) but of course, emotionally is entirely different & individual 💐

Firstly, thank you for being so caring and thoughtful for other people when you are having such a difficult time. Second thing is that my third pregnancy died in utero at 3 months. I was in hospital for the day as they were monitoring some bleeding I was having. I started having pains and that might have been the start of miscarrying but they did some sort of extraction in the middle of the night. Don't go to work tomorrow. Look after yourself and I am sorry for your loss.

Thank you everyone for the lovely replies and support.

I feel like I’m in a weird parallel universe, it just doesn’t feel real.

You’ve all convinced me to stay home. My worst fear is that I will start bleeding before they can perform the procedure mainly because I’m not sure I could cope with seeing the foetus. And for that to happen at work, it would be just horrible. If I worked at the big hospital in the next town I’d be in the same building as EPAC and the women’s health wards which might be quite handy. But as it happens I work in a small hospital 40 mins away.

Ok, thank you. Decision made.

I’m dreading the next bit.

We do have a child already, she’s 5 and an absolute beauty. I sailed through that pregnancy and naively assumes this would automatically be ok. Thank goodness we didn’t tell her as she would have been really excited.

Right now I can’t ever imagine wanting to try again.

That weird parallel universe feeling sounds so familiar. 💔

It's awful & very lonely, even with people who care about you.

I don't want to be too graphic but it's unlikely that you will see the foetus (I know people think they do but it's usually matter / clots. Sorry, I really don't want to cause upset)

As you haven't miscarried yourself, a managed procedure does sound best.

Regarding trying again, it's very personal of course, I also felt that way but was pregnant again within 3 months - but that was what was right for me. Give yourself as much time as you need. It's all very very raw.

Thinking of you.

Oh Op, that's such sad news for you. You absolutely need to put yourself first now. I would be off work now until I was fit to return after the miscarriage is complete. Whether that takes a few days or a couple of weeks so be it.
Take care.

Hi @peanutfoldover I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m just back from early pregnancy unit earlier today and also found out we have lost our baby. I am 10 weeks.
They couldn’t find a heartbeat and the baby stopped developing 2 weeks ago 😢 I’ve also been feeling in another world thinking I’ve made it all up. My poor husband actually fainted when we were discussing options 😱

we have decided to just let nature take its course. Like you I was worried about work but I need to put myself first. Please look after yourself too as your job would be very active and you don’t know how you’re gonna feel. I’ve been told to go to a&e If the pain gets really bad or there is too much bleeding so I’m expecting the worse and would like to be at home just.

Big hugs to you as I know exactly how you are feeling tonight xxx

I'm so sorry you're going through this and what an amazing and selfless person you are still thinking and putting your patients first but you need to put yourself first. Take as much time as you can and I wish you all the best xx

I hope it’s OK to talk about this - health warning, it’s my experience with the foetus - please only read if you think it would help. The two days without medical advice on the weekend were awful for me as I didn’t know who to ask this stuff. Luckily I miscarried on the Monday afternoon after I’d been able to speak to someone that I could ask the tricky questions of.

I personally wanted to see the foetus - that was my choice and what I needed for my process - there’s no right or wrong - only what is right for you. The chaplaincy at the hospital had a thing where I was able to take it in to the early pregnancy unit.

In my case I did feel the foetus come out as it was in the amniotic sac - but that may be because I was consciously looking out for it. I used a cardboard bedpan thing.

BUT I know other people in the same position that consciously did not want to see the foetus and were not aware at which point the foetus came out, and that was right for them as my decision was right for me.

It’s important you do what feels right to you and what is helpful for you. It is a deeply personal thing.

I’m another person that can relate to the parallel universe thing - it was a very strange, painful time. My daughter was 4 at the time and sadly I had told her about my pregnancy.

I’m so glad to see you are going to prioritise yourself and take the time you need

Sallyann - love and to you too. I’m so sorry

Sallyann I'm really sorry for your loss 💐 take care if yourself. Your poor DH too.

So sorry for your loss .

I’m a teacher and tried to carry on after my MMC. I fell apart at work and ended up taking time off anyway.

Don’t underestimate how much time you need to rest and grieve.

Hope the procedure goes okay x

Thank you for all of the kind replies. I’m lying here in silence completely unable to sleep. I might take some nytol.

@sallyann1234 I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through the same thing right now. The sonographer told me it is incredibly common, approx 1 in 5 end in miscarriage. She was so kind and sensitive. She obviously knew immediately without even having to zoom in or do the internal scan. She offered me a second opinion but it was just so glaringly obvious I didn’t need one. I hope you at least had a kind sonographer like mine. Did they give you pain killers in preparation for the inevitable. I’ve been reading a bit of the thread about practical advice for managing a miscarriage. Thick pads, cancelling all plans etc. Will you keep me updated on how you are getting on please? Your poor husband fainting, it was all such a shock for him. My DH is very very sad and has said he’ll take tomorrow off with me.

Does anyone know if husbands tend to come in for the D&C procedure?

I suddenly realise I have loads of questions. Exactly when did the baby die and why? They said 11 weeks. I can’t believe I didn’t notice. Is that ridiculous? Was the baby ill? I had nasty conjunctivitis a few weeks ago and a urine infection, possibly for most of the pregnancy. I took antibiotics but I never got it retested as I was.never symptomatic, it was just an incidental finding at my booking appointment. Could either of those infections killed the baby? The conjunctivitis was strange, I had it at 10 weeks. Nobody else around me had it, it just happened out of the blue. I just left it alone as they said most cases clear up within 3 days and the pharmacist said there’s no safe treatment in pregnancy. Mine did indeed go away on its own but after 5 days. Or was it something like a heart defect, or a genetic thing? I’m 39 so I’m higher risk for that. Could it be my womb? I know I have a few fibroids. Will they investigate all of these things?

I had a glimpse of the foetus on the screen. The image is stuck in my head. It is a tiny miniature baby, seeing it lifeless was heart breaking. I feel guilty that it died and I didn’t even realise and carried on regardless. The thought of that coming out at some point I just find so disturbing. But I had forgotten that it will be in a sac so it has helped to know that, thank you @Servalan.. I don’t want it to go down the toilet. I don’t want to see it either, so don’t want to collect it. Where would I put it even? And how long would it wait before it could go anywhere?

So that’s all he ramblings of my mind. I’ve not eaten since 2pm and I’ve realised that might be what’s keeping me awake. Going try and eat something now and get some sleep.

Thanks again everybody.

Im so sorry, its heart rending, its not that you necessarily lost something you had (although you did in a nebulous way) but its the loss of the hopes and dreams that is just as dreadful in its own way. I am ten years on after my pregnancy ended itself, and I have a beautiful DD that I wouldnt have had otherwise. My pregnancy ended itself at about the same time and I was told that given the week it happened, it was likely a major failure in the sperm and egg fusing, so serious genetic disruption, but not the inherited Kind iyswim. That why I use the term that the pregnancy ended itself, I believe nothing I did could have changed anything and that it was something that was inevitable due to a cock up in the complicated process of making new life.

Please take time to grieve, cry, throw a plate, drink a large glass of wine and hopefully you and your DH can help each other too.

I had a d and c as waiting for it to happen on its own was not something that sat well with my personality.

I still think about that little life that just flickered on for a brief moment before flickering out. I probably always will. I think it makes me a better mother to my dc.

Sending you hugs

Peanut no, your husband won't be there for the D&C (now called ERPC) as it's done under GA. it's a brief procedure tho.

I'm so sorry for the anguish you are in, understandably. No, it's nothing at all that you did, or the minor conditions you had. It's really that your baby had a serious genetic condition, incompatible with life, and this occurred from conception. You couldn't have done anything at all to prevent it 😞

The sonographer is correct; somewhere like 25% if all pregnancies end in MC. That said, this includes all MC, so ones that people would take to be late periods etc. The vast majority happen between 6 - 8 weeks so it's very understandable that you would feel so bereft at a later MC as it is much more unusual (tho not uncommon either as this thread shows)

Regarding the baby / foetus, I know PP have had different experiences and again being v sensitive about this, the foetus size & development is v v tiny, still. If you did MC naturally, it would be less usual to see a defined foetus, as usually everything breaks down as part of the MC (tho I appreciate there are differences here, as per PP)

I do think your team will recommend an ERPC (D&C) as your pregnancy is more advanced & you haven't miscarried yourself, so you won't need some of the preparations mentioned on the other thread. After an ERPC, it's like a period really.

So sorry for what you're going through. I miscarried at 10 weeks about 11 years ago. I agree with pp, it's most likely a genetic incompatibility of some sort, quite common and in view of your age (sorry) most likely answer. Saying that, they only investigate generally after 3 miscarriages.
Just to warn you, When I lost my baby it all started naturally. I lost a lot of blood - much heavier than a period. I passed quite a few significant clots and then felt I wanted to be seen at the hospital. When I was examined there the foetus came out. It was very upsetting but I'm pleased I could see it. It's a very personal thing but the Dr asked what I wanted to do with it. We actually brought it ( I hate 'it' but don't know if we were having a boy or girl as so early) home and buried the remains in a family grave. ( Unofficially - We dug a little hole and popped him/her in with some holy water). To me it has helped as I have a special place and often say hi when we're passing. Hopefully I'm not making things worse for you saying this, it's sometimes helpful to know of other people's experiences.