Just discovered no heart beat at 12 weeks. What do I do now?

[peanutfoldover]

I literally don’t know what to do with myself. Other than feeling sad, guilty and scared.

I’ve had absolutely no symptoms of miscarriage. No pain or bleeding. They think the foetus (is that the correct term?) died about a week ago.

EPAC are calling me tomorrow to discuss my options.

My worry is that I’ll be working all day as a physio in a busy NHS clinic. When they call me I’ll probably be with a patient. Will have to step outside to take the call, compose myself and go back in. And could I just start bleeding at any point? Will it be heavy immediately? Will I have time to get home? I live only 5 mins away.

I’m loathed to take time off work (we have an 8 week wait) but at the same time I’m terrified of the bleeding starting while I’m at work. And also, I’m not sure I could do a days work either.

Would it be normal to go to work? Take the day off?

I just don’t know what to do.

@SeaToSki thank you. Yes that’s exactly right. Grieving all of what could have been, the hopes and expectations of being a family of 4. Over Christmas I kept thinking how it was our last one as a family of 3 and how lovely it will be for our DD to have a sibling. This morning, though, I just feel grateful we have her and how perfect she is. And how, at the time, I didn’t appreciate how her being conceived and created into a perfect human was actually a huge gamble and thank goodness random chance allowed it to happen. I can only imagine this would be much harder to process if it happens in your first pregnancy.

I’m also trying to keep things in perspective. A colleague of mine, same age, died recently. She had 3 young children who now don’t have a mother. Whilst this miscarriage feels like a tragedy right now, I will recover from and we can try again. Although I’m not sure I want to. I wonder if we should just be happy for all the wonderful things we do have and enjoy life as it is. I know it’s too early to be thinking about that though.

Like you, the surgical procedure is right for me. I need something finite, and to protect my daughter from it happening at home. And honestly I’m just scared of it happening naturally.

I had to be induced at 15 days with my DD. I wonder if my womb just keeps hold of baby’s until they are forced out.

@EarringsandLipstick

Thank you. I assumed it was all done with a local, a GA would be much better for me and the massive wuss that I am. So it’s great to know that could be an option for me too. Fingers crossed they phone me first thing this morning.

It’s incredible that babies are ever made really, with the complexity of it all. It’s a lottery, and this time it just didn’t work out. I suppose better to know now than find out later.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to relax in pregnancy again.

@5BlueHydrangea that’s so lovely that you were able to do that. I feel a bit heartless not wanting to see it, but I just don’t. I feel like I’d be haunted by it. I know I need to talk to DH about this. He has a right to see it and maybe carry out a private ceremony if he wants to.

I can’t tell you how helpful this thread has been. Thank you all for replying. I felt so lossy after the scan yesterday and that wouldn’t have changed without all your words of comfort, knowledge and advice.

It’s a whole world I was totally naive about.

It will make me a better mother and more compassionate Physio.

I’m booked in for next Thursday to have the surgical management under a general. It’s the next available appointment (local anaesthetic was an even longer wait). The nurse strongly advised I stay at home while I wait for the procedure and for up to a week after. My boss is absolutely fine with it and has said I can take as long as I need.

So it’s now a waiting game.

I think I’m getting mild period pain, but it could be all in my head. I’m also very very tired.

Sorry to hear you have a long wait, that sounds stressful. Glad to hear that your boss is understanding you and giving you the time you need. Thinking of you

At the moment, physically I feel absolutely fine. Which makes it quite hard to believe the baby has died. My body is showing absolutely no signs of wanting to get rid of the remains.

I know it was obvious there was no heart beat on the scan, it was completely silent and the picture of the 11 week old foetus was very dark and faint, I could just about see a head, body, arms and legs. No movement. And not the bright, glowing picture we had with our daughter. And I had total confidence in the sonographer who also did an internal scan to double check.

But is there the slightest chance the machine was faulty?

Will they do another scan on the day of the surgery? To double check?

Hi @peanutfoldover, couldn’t just read about your heartbreaking experiences and try not to give you some comfort with my similar one. 6 weeks ago, dh and I went for our 20 week scan to be told baby had died at 13 weeks - meaning baby had been dead for 7 weeks and my body hadn’t noticed. I had a pill to start the process and it ended up happening naturally before taking the second pill. I don’t want to scare you but the pain was very intense with very strong contractions, I had morphine and gas and air and it didn’t touch it.

The Midwife’s were very kind and asked if we wanted to see baby, which we did and I’m so glad I did. I even have a photo in a hidden album on my own which was very comforting to look at in the early days of grief. They cleaned baby and put him in a tiny basket with a little teddy bear. We have a matching one on our windowsill. I was worried baby might be scary or upsetting to look at but they were just a very tiny baby, nothing scary there.

Like you, I couldn’t stop thinking about what I had been doing around the time baby died and torturing myself with thoughts about how it was my fault. I read on here that other ladies midwife had told her that the outcome of a pregnancy is decided at conception and I found that quite helpful. I still wonder if it was this or that but I tell myself I always acted in love for baby and never would have done anything to hurt it.

I’m so so sorry for your loss x

@HenrysHome

I’m so so sorry to hear your story. To have had the all clear at 12 weeks and then find out at the 20 week scan, that must have been such a huge shock. It makes you realise how pregnancy is always teetering on a knife edge of chance. It makes me feel guilty that I didn’t notice the baby die. Like I wasn’t tuned into it like a mother should be. I’m not sure I’ll ever be totally reassured I didn’t do something wrong. Next time, I’ll do everything right.

It’s good to hear you had a positive experience seeing your baby. I still don’t know if I can do it though. My husband has said it’s totally up to me, although he might want to see it, but not want to upset me.

I’m feeling a lot stronger today. I did so much crying yesterday. I have never seen my husband cry before, but he has too. He found it especially hard telling his parents. They didn’t know I was pregnant or that we were even trying. We have joked all along that they would not approve of this pregnancy (I won’t go into why, it was a light hearted joke really) but their response was they were really sad for us and would have been delighted to have another grandchild. I think he was so thrown by their kindness he realised how happy this baby would have made us all and he just broke down.

Anyway. My plan is to be stronger for him today. Have a shower and use all this time off work to sort the house and garage out. I know I could stay bleeding at any moment but there’s no point lying in bed the whole time. I feel fine physically.

A scan showed the foetus had died at about 10 weeks with my daughter. She chose to come home although was offered to be admitted immediately into hospital. It was a week before christmas and she didn't start miscarrying until the beginning of January. The miscarriage was bad and she was rushed into hospital as an emergency via ambulance. She was discharged the following day after a scan which showed there was still some pregnancy there. She did not want to have surgical removal and eventually the pregnancy totally passed at home another week later. I had a miscarriage at around the same stage and it was like a heavy period so I guess it goes to show just how different our bodies can be

@movingdilemma1234

Yes you’re right. And I’ve been so surprised at how many people I know have had miscarriages that I wasn’t aware of. Or maybe I did know and just didn’t realise the gravitas of the situation before, woefully naive.

It will completely change my approach to the subject of miscarriage at work. I have always been sensitive about it. But it will feel different now. I can’t even imagine the feeling of devastation of miscarrying any later than the 12 week scan. All that false hope.

Mother Nature can be so cruel.

I just wanted to say that I totally understand the feelings of "why didn't I know?" and "what did I do wrong?". I should imagine those feelings are hugely common amongst women that have been through this experience - I certainly tortured myself with those things.

I just want to say though that it won't have been something you've done wrong. I know I did far more things "right" with the pregnancy where I had a miscarriage than the pregnancy where I had my daughter. In my pregnancy with my daughter I had no idea I was pregnant until 7 weeks in and had been drinking quite heavily during that time until I realised I was pregnant and stopped drinking completely. Second pregnancy that didn't happen at all, yet that was the pregnancy that ended in miscarriage.

A huge amount of pregnancies end in miscarriage and it's unfair and there's no reason other than something that happened within the body at conception that the woman had absolutely no control of whatsoever.

There is absolutely no reason you should have known that the foetus had stopped developing. It doesn't make you a bad person or not tuned in. Countless kind, nurturing women have the experience of being totally shocked at a scan to discover they've had a missed miscarriage.

It's lovely you want to be strong for your partner, and it is important that partners support each other at a time like this, but please don't feel you have to pretend to be strong or carry more than you are ready to carry. Be gentle with yourself xx

Well the weekend has passed and the only sign that anything has gone wrong is the tiniest speck of brown in some discharge. If I didn’t know from the scan I’m not sure I would have even noticed it. 4 days till the ERCP.

I feel like a fraud and a drama queen for staying off work. I know there’s a risk of the bleeding starting but I could have padded up and gone straight home if it started.

Either way, it would be better than sitting here alone. And because I treat several mums at my daughters school and quite a few women in our village I am confined to the house and can’t even do the school runs which I am perfectly capable of doing, and that’s impacting on my mum. She says she doesn’t mind but I can’t help thinking I’m being a bit precious about it all.

Last week I was so so scared of bleeding. Now it looks like it’s not going to happen and I should just get on with my life till the ERCP on Thursday.

I am so fucking angry with my body and my stupid knee jerk reaction to the miscarriage. It’s too late now though as all the patients have been cancelled, so there’s no point telling my boss I can come in now.

What a mess.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. I totally understand why it is frustrating, but you didn't have a stupid knee jerk reaction, you thought deeply about the right thing to do and sought advice. This sort of limbo must add a frustration to everything else and I'm so sorry you are waiting for the ERCP for so long as that really isn't helping matters.

It must be frustrating to not be able to plan because you don't know what your body is going to do. Please don't be ashamed of taking this time. It is clear that all your decisions have been made with compassion - please make sure you apply the compassion to yourself too.

Thank you. I did end up talking to my boss and saying how I felt. He has told me he wants me to stay off for my physical and mental health. He has also said he doesn’t want me in work with the risk of bleeding starting at any point, just from a practicality point of view, but also for my dignity and privacy. I have a history of PND so I suspect he’s also a bit worried this event will trigger some kind of depression again. (I actually don’t think it will, I kind of feel accepting of it all now, just sad and angry.) He also said it’s just a tiny blip of time in a whole 40+ year career. So basically I offered to go back and he declined it.

I don’t feel like I’m grieving like everyone is telling me I need to. It all feels a bit unreal still. I just feel all this anger with myself for various different things. For not keeping the baby alive, for not going to work, for not using my time at home effectively when there’s so much to do. Angry at my age and the PND for stopping me from being able to have baby no2 sooner. And also angry for feeling so sorry for myself when thank goodness this isn’t cancer or a serious injury of our DD being ill etc etc.

Rambling on again!! Sorry

You're not rambling at all.

One thing I would say is that grieving isn't necessarily all about feeling sad. There are all sorts of different emotions to process when you go through a tough experience such as this, so anger is just where you are at the moment. I'm sorry to hear that it's all going inwards towards yourself and I hope that in time you find ways to let that go.

You sound like such a lovely compassionate person, putting the needs of others before yourself - which was the overwhelming tone of your first post. It is OK to treat yourself with compassion too. I can't imagine you would judge anyone in the same position as you who had done exactly everything that you have done with harshness.

In terms of PND - I suffer from OCD and had a big post natal flare-up after having my daughter - but I also had a big flare-up after my miscarriage and I wondered whether some of the same hormones are present - so it might be worth just being mindful of this and make sure that you are looking after yourself emotionally.

You are in limbo at the moment and a lot of people in your position would feel pretty powerless, so I can understand those feelings coming out in anger.

You deserve love. You deserve compassion.

I do feel ok at the moment, depression wise. I feel a bit lost once my daughter is in school and I’m at home alone, not really sure what to do with myself and really don’t want any company. So maybe that is a sign I’m shutting down a bit.

Thank you for your lovely reply. This thread has helped me more than anything to be honest. Other than the support from my husband and boss that is.

I just can’t wait for Thursday now. Just to draw a line under it and know that I’m no longer holding onto a dead baby.

Is it crazy that part of me is wondering if the sonographer made a mistake? I totally trusted her on the day, it was glaringly obvious the Doppler was silent and the baby was completely motionless and quite dark. But I just have this nagging worry that maybe the machine was faulty. I just haven’t had ANY symptoms of miscarriage at all. Although I do acknowledge that all my pregnancy symptoms have gone now (if you discount being overly emotional).

What happens to my body now? Will I ovulate again as normal and eventually trigger a period? Or does the baby have to come out before the cycle starts up again.

Do they routinely do a scan before doing the ERCP? My DH has told me he feels completely confident with the diagnosis and doesn’t need confirmation. I’m not entirely sure I want to see another scan. But I think I might need one to put my mind at rest.

Do you have a support person at the hospital that you could speak to? Who was it that talked over options with you?

It is so long since my miscarriage, but I know I had a particular specialist counselling nurse person that I could talk to and take concerns to.

I'm sure a huge number of women have the "what if the sonographer was wrong?" thoughts. I know that I definitely did. It sounds extremely unlikely there would have been any kind of mistake, but maybe she could talk you through those feelings and questions and offer you means of support, as I suspect those questions and doubts are very common for women going through this.

Because my miscarriage happened naturally before I could have the hospital intervention, I don't know what the procedure is for scanning etc. I would say be honest about your doubts and fears so that you can get the support and answers you need.

I can totally understand why you want Thursday to be over now, this waiting must be awful.

Thinking of you

Hi peanutfoldover - I just wanted to check in and see how you are. I know you were due to have the ERCP yesterday and just wanted to say I hope you are recovering well and I'm thinking of you

Hi @Servalan! I’m doing really well. The ERCP went very smoothly. All the nurses and doctors were so kind. I’ve had barely any pain or bleeding since. The consultant said the placenta and cord looked perfectly healthy which was a huge relief (not sure why but that’s what I was worried about - I think because that’s the bits I’m responsible for??? Weird logic I know) but it will get sent off for testing anyway to confirm.

I feel a lot better emotionally too.

Thank you so much for the support. It’s been so therapeutic to come here and get everything off my chest and read words of support. Honestly, after having PND I was convinced I’d be too mentally fragile to cope with something like this. Yes it was a terrible week and I still feel sad and I’ll never forget our second baby that we never got to meet. But I know I’ll be ok now.

Xxx

Glad you are feeling a bit better. After I had a similar experience my hormones kicked in and I got tearful for a while. Hope you have a nice weekend with your family.

Hey there,

So glad to hear that the ERCP went smoothly and you were able to have your mind put at rest about things. My thoughts continue to be with you. Make sure you take it easy and are kind to yourself. I'm glad that talking on here has helped xxx