Struggling today - TTC #1 after a MMC

[danielasummer]

I'm not trying to throw a pity party, and I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, but the closer it gets to Christmas I just feel so.. low.

I've spent the morning crying for my baby that I miscarried in October, my DH (darling husband) is away for the weekend in London with friends, I feel as if my friends (who are amazing) don't want to hear any more of my MC (miscarriage), and I don't want to call my parents and cry down the phone to them because they will only get upset too. I just feel so, so alone this morning.

I keep thinking about the bump I should have on Christmas day sad and instead I'm worrying that I won't ovulate this month because I'm so stressed ABOUT ovulating and TTC (trying to conceive). My head is all over the place and I just feel so devastated.

Is it normal to be worrying so much about TTC (trying to conceive)? Should I be 'over it' now since it's been 2 months since I MC (miscarriage)? If it makes a difference (I don't think it does, as a loss is a loss), my babe was 7.5 when his/her heart stopped beating. I'm just imagining it happening and I can't get it out of my head.

Trying to stay positive and hold the tears in, especially since my DH (darling husband) is being really positive that it will happen for us and I will carry to term, but I just really miss my lost baby.

@Oliver8people that’s good that you fell on the first time you have a good chance then of falling on quickly again. Has your miscarriage completed now? I saw your message on the 2nd saying it wasn’t complete. It took me 3 weeks to get a negative test from the day I passed the sac. I agree it would be good for us to keep each other updated. I didn’t take any time off at work and I’m regretting it now as I think I needed time to heal it’s hitting me more now whereas right at the beginning I felt I was okay and trying to be strong x

@Charlotte27x I think it has. I had to go back to hospital on the 2nd for a second round of medicine- that brought things on really fast. I’ve been bleeding since then, but it’s tailed off yesterday/ today. I’m thinking to take a pg test each day until I get a negative?
I’m exactly the same about work- last week I thought I was fine and that going back would be good for me, but after today I’m wishing I’d taken some more time off, especially as I’m really tired w the moment (I think from the mc and the tears!)
Xx

Yeah it won’t harm to do a test everyday. I did a test on 20th Dec and it was positive but the faintest faintest second line. Did a test a week later and it was negative but could have been negative sooner. Like now I’m up late, I’m struggling to get to sled on a night because my brain is working overtime. my husband is up at 4am and I won’t get back to sleep then at work at 8am and this is the same pattern every day struggling to get up and just want to phone in sick every morning x

@Charlotte27x you sound really tired :-( Can you take some time off work? Or could you maybe see a doctor about the lack of sleep etc- they might sign you off for a little while so you can get some rest?
Night time is always when I end up googling things etc. I tend to feel ok when I’m at home, but being back to work is when I feel upset. Maybe because before Christmas I was pregnant and excited for things like maternity leave etc. It all feels impossible now.

@Oliver8people my manager has said to take some time off but I feel better at work I’m the opposite to you I feel busy. If I took time I’d only be at home by myself thinking. I’ve asked my manager today for some flexibility so I’m going to just come into work when I feel like it once I’ve had enough sleep. I work in a GP surgery so I’ve spoke to one of the GP’s today who I’m quite close to she’s made me feel better. I just need to start think positively but it’s hard to change that mindset isn’t it xx

I'm the same as you, Charlotte. Definitely felt better being at work in the early days. Mine was a MMC at 12 weeks and I chose to have a D&C and was back at work 3 days later. Some people definitely need time off but I just wanted to stay busy. It's the quiet moments when I'm making a cup of tea or falling asleep that's the worst, I find.

@Charlotte27x definitely, trying to think positively is what I struggle with the most.

@MrsMGS sorry for your loss :-( Are you feeling any better as time has passed? Sorry if that’s a silly question

Not a silly question at all @Oliver8people. I'm definitely feeling better as time passes. We started TTC again straight away and I was convinced it would happen quickly for us as I'd heard all the stories about miscarriage boosting your fertility. This will be month 4 of trying and I feel much calmer this month. I'm trying to focus on the fact we managed to get pregnant before - and it only took us 3 months - so there's no reason to think it won't happen again. If it happens this month then that's wonderful but if not, it will happen another month. I think it being the end of the year added lots of pressure as I was desperate to be pregnant again by the time the year was over. With the new year I feel better.

At first I saw this as an ending and that was it, we'd never have children. The more people I speak to the more common I realise it is and honestly every single story I've been told ends with 'and now they've got a baby/are pregnant again' and so there's no reason to believe our stories won't end the same way. That being said, believing that is easier some days than others.

Talking to other ladies like all of you really helps. Xx

Yeah I feel better at work I‘ve only felt really emotional about it in the last week. I’m hoping it’s because I was due on my period which is Making me hormonal. And it probably doesn’t help my best friend had her baby yesterday. All I’ve done today at work is cry, the first time that has happened. But it’s still fresh I’m hoping as time goes by I will feel better. You’re right it will happen we’ve got pregnant so it can happen again xx

@MrsMGS that’s really good to hear that you are feeling better; it’s encouraging as well, gives me hope I will in time too.

TTC is making me nervous- we aren’t quite ready to start yet as the MC only happened a few days ago, but I’m already so anxious that we won’t get pregnant very quickly and I will become kore and more sad :-(

@Charlotte27x sounds like you’re having a bit of a down day. Your best friend having a baby must be really hard! My sister is pregnant; I’m so pleased her pregnancy has continued of course, but also a bit jealous which makes me feel terribly guilty.

I have a doctors appointment today to ask a few questions... hoping I don’t burst into tears and can actually get some information.

Good luck at the Drs @Oliver8people - it's definitely totally ok to cry! Maybe write down your questions before you go so you remember everything. It's bound to be overwhelming and you don't want to get home and remember things you wanted to ask.

Let us know how you get on.

It looks positive that you will fall quickly if you did the first time. I know it’s not always the case but you must be pretty fertile. I’ve started doing OPK starting today I know I won’t ovulate yet but want to do it every day so I know for definite when I have ovulated as I only did it sporadically in the first 3 cycles before mc. The 4th cycle when I tested everyday is when I became pregnant so doing the same thing again. Yeah of course you are happy for your sister but I understand completely the feeling of jealousy. How old are you if you don’t mind me asking? Xx

@MrsMGS thank you, I will let you know.

@Charlotte27x not at all, I’m 31. I’m not sure if being over 30 puts me in a different category re chances of miscarriage. I keep reading positive posts about women who hVe he successfully pregnancies following an mc, it’s just hard to imagine right now. X

Does anyone know anything about smears? I've got one booked for Thursday but it falls right in the middle of my fertile window so I'm worried it will mess things up somehow / affect us getting pregnant. Agitate my cervix or something!? There's no "safe" time to go though because my cycle is quite short so I'd either end up going in fertile window or two week wait.

Don't know what to do! I know that I'll end up blaming it if we don't fall this month. Ugh. Anyone know anything?!

@Oliver8people pretty sure 31 doesn’t put you in a different category re miscarriages.

@MrsMGS not too sure about the smear thing. Working at a GP’s I think a nurse would say it wouldn’t make a difference however just to be on the safe side I’d rather time it so I had it 1 or 2 days after my period had ended if it was me. You can still have it even when you’re on your period lots of women do but for obvious reasons some women don’t feel comfortable with that x

@MrsMGS can you check with your gp/ nurse? I know I had a smear Test booked for when I was pregnant, and even though they said it’s perfectly safe to have one when pregnant there isn’t any point as the hormones would have thrown off the results.

I’ve always been told by our nurses not to have one when pregnant have to wait until 3 months after giving birth too. Where do you live? X

I'm in London. I'll give the GP surgery a call tomorrow and find out what they advise!

Thanks ladies

You are all so strong and brave! Can’t believe the strength of these responses. I couldn’t help but do another pregnancy test this afternoon, I think I need help ha.

Still waiting to hear from the bereavement midwife, I’m hoping once she gets in contact she can arrange some counselling. I could have made good use of it closer to the time but she’s been off sick, better late than never though I suppose. I think it would be so helpful to talk about it, my family are too close to the subject having watched me ‘give birth’ in pain relief cock up (thanks delivery ward!) And no one at work really cares- it’s far too stressful to take on other people’s worries in fairness so I feel very alone and like everyone has brushed it under the carpet and forgotten about me and baby projects are being handed out and I can’t help thinking ‘I shouldn’t have this project, I should have been on maternity then!’ Are any of you ladies having counselling or thinking about it? X

@HenrysHome sounds like you are just as strong! I have thought about counselling, I know someone who did after a miscarriage and found it helped. I do find talking about it helps a lot, but sometimes I can get quite angry and upset, so I’m careful who to talk to!
I know exactly what you mean about being at work and thinking you should be on maternity- since going back all I can think about is how unfair it is that I will not be on maternity leave when I was expecting to be. Xx

@HenrysHome i think counselling could be a good option for you if you are feeling alone. I haven’t thought about it yet no just because I do have quite a bit of support around me. Can’t really talk to friends don’t feel like I can because a few of them are pregnant but I’ve got my sister, mum husband and a few work friends. I think if i still keep having days where I am crying all day like yesterday I might look into it however I’m hoping it was just hormonal due to my period. I have woke up today feeling a lot better. Xx