Struggling today - TTC #1 after a MMC

[danielasummer]

I'm not trying to throw a pity party, and I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, but the closer it gets to Christmas I just feel so.. low.

I've spent the morning crying for my baby that I miscarried in October, my DH (darling husband) is away for the weekend in London with friends, I feel as if my friends (who are amazing) don't want to hear any more of my MC (miscarriage), and I don't want to call my parents and cry down the phone to them because they will only get upset too. I just feel so, so alone this morning.

I keep thinking about the bump I should have on Christmas day sad and instead I'm worrying that I won't ovulate this month because I'm so stressed ABOUT ovulating and TTC (trying to conceive). My head is all over the place and I just feel so devastated.

Is it normal to be worrying so much about TTC (trying to conceive)? Should I be 'over it' now since it's been 2 months since I MC (miscarriage)? If it makes a difference (I don't think it does, as a loss is a loss), my babe was 7.5 when his/her heart stopped beating. I'm just imagining it happening and I can't get it out of my head.

Trying to stay positive and hold the tears in, especially since my DH (darling husband) is being really positive that it will happen for us and I will carry to term, but I just really miss my lost baby.

Oh you poor thing, is there anyone you can meet up with today? Even if you're not talking directly about the MC, it might help to turn your day around and get you out of those anxious thoughts. Could you have a nice bath or something, and make a plan to see a friend later? Christmas can be a really lonely time if you're feeling low. It is important to grieve though, and you absolutely shouldn't feel like you ought to be over it by now. Allow yourself to feel sad, it's a huge thing to process emotionally as you will have made plans in your head for Christmas and the year ahead, and now things have changed.

Please reach out - don't assume your parents will just get upset and won't want to help. They would feel worse if they knew you were crying all alone. Take care of yourself, and allow others to as well. xxx

Hi @danielasummer, sorry to hear you’re struggling today. If it helps, you’re not alone - I’m feeling very low at the moment about my miscarriage 3 weeks ago. I was 20 weeks but baby had died at 13 weeks. I also feel like people are tired of hearing me talk about it but it’s all I want to do, everything else seems so trivial and unimportant so I get frustrated by other topics easily. I can’t talk to dh as it just upsets him so I feel very alone. I’m off for Christmas now too which is hard as my mind has no other focus. I keep imagining how it should have been with my lovely big bump and happy Christmas but now there won’t be any of that. It was my first baby too so it’s just me and dh. All seems very pointless x

@ovener thank you so much for your reply. I did end up going for a Christmassy lunch at my mums with all the family, which was lovely. I just feel like I need to act 'normal' when I just don't feel it. I wonder if I will ever go back to the 'me' before my miscarriage. I do feel happy sometimes, don't get me wrong, but in my mind there is always the thought of 'I cannot believe I miscarried my baby'. I can't stop thinking about it, then every subsequent happy moment I just have to fake for everyone else's benefit. It's so hard. Thank you so much for your advice. Mumsnet has provided me with some amazing support x

@HenrysHome I am so, so sorry for your loss. My heart really goes out to you and I'm sending a virtual handhold. I agree with everything you have written, nothing else seems important anymore. I just don't care about things really. I'm trying to imagine next year with either a bouncing baby or a big bump at Christmas, just trying to visualise it and hopefully the universe will deliver! I don't know if you would like to try again in the future, but apparently women are more fertile after miscarriage.. maybe that's a myth, but it is helping me a little. x

I am exactly the same as you @danielasummer, still cannot believe that my baby is gone. Everything seems tainted and the innocence of this whole ttc and pregnancy thing is gone. I’m obsessively working out dates to see if we’ll get a little Christmas miracle next year, it’s probably not the healthiest way to cope but I before I go to sleep I visualise next Christmas with a tiny little baby and it does help a bit. Don’t feel pressured to act ‘normal’, my loving mil told me ‘grief is selfish’ and I’ve been using that as permission to feel how I need to feel and act how I need to act in order to begin healing x

I'm sorry you're going through this :( It is really tough and Christmas is such an emotional time. I don't have any advice as I'm in the same boat but just wanted to give you a hand hold xx

@HenrysHome me too. It seems like a nightmare and I sometimes think, shit, how the hell have I gotten through this?? I honestly thought that if I ever MC I would rip the ultrasound room apart, fall to pieces and be admitted to a ward that specialises in mental health (I have experience with family members with mental health issues so I do not say that lightly), I wanted and loved that baby so much. I totally agree with it not being innocent anymore, somewhat jaded in fact. I will take that with me, 'grief is selfish', and even if I can't speak to friends and family about it, I will let myself be selfish alone and cry if I want to cry. It's just hard holding it in sometimes. Sending you such a big hug and handhold x

@raspberryjamlove thank you so much. I'm so sorry you're in the same boat :( it's heartbreaking. Usually I'm a big child at Christmas but this year I just don't care at all. Sending you a big hug and a handhold too x

Ladies I've just been reading the last few messages here and feel it all so much. I feel like you've gone into my brain and put my thoughts into words. I'm sorry you're here and sorry I am too but I'm glad that there's other people on this planet who feel the same feelings. It can be oh so lonely in the real world. Christmas will be hard I'm sure for so many. Wishing you a day of happiness tomorrow xxxx

@danielasummer, I understand totally about not believing that this nightmare has happened. I’m so proud of us though, I’m nearly 4 weeks on from hearing those words ‘there’s no heartbeat’ and sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago and other times I feel like I’m in that room experiencing it all over again. I didn’t believe I’d make it past even the first few hours after finding out and the bottom falling out of my world but here we are nearly a month later - we’re doing so well.

I’ve been preparing for the fact that this Christmas will be awful and not placed any expectation on it so today hasn’t actually been too bad. Saw my extended family yesterday which was really hard. They should have been cooing over my bump and asking how I’m getting on/ how many weeks/ feeling him move etc but not one person mentioned it or asked if was ok or acknowledged what we’ve been through, I felt totally forgotten and invisible and couldn’t wait to leave. Luckily my in laws have been so supportive with everything and have grieved alongside us so a quiet, reflective day here for us. Hoping everyone can find some peace and moments of joy today x

@Zoey36 and @HenrysHome sending you both so much love, a big hug and a virtual handhold xxxxx I'm so sorry that we're in this group. Christmas this year was pretty uneventful and I struggled. Thank you so much for your messages of support. I am (perhaps naively) throwing myself into TTC in an attempt to feel 'normal' and 'more positive', and haven't been on the Miscarriage boards lately (nor do I receive emails when someone has commented on a thread, which is slightly annoying!) so my apologies for the late reply.

Feeling really empty at present. My baby should be kicking me in the ribs, yet here I am, fitting into my pre-pregnancy jeans and crying at every baby-merchandise advert I see. My brain is also doing my head in as I follow lots of mummy bloggers on instagram and just can't help spending hours looking at their feed. It all seems very unfair at the moment.

@HenrysHome I'm so sorry no-one acknowledged what you are going through. I know that some people don't know what to say, but a hand-squeeze or just simply saying 'I'm so sorry, I'm here if you want to talk' goes a really long way. I've found that people are ignoring what has happened (some even having the audacity to ask me if I'm pregnant again yet - WTF?!?!!!) and feel awkward if I mention miscarriage. But as we discussed above, all other conversations are so unimportant. Thank God we have Mumsnet boards and each other for support.

Sending you a virtual hand-hold and hug. 2020 is looming and I can only hope that it brings us peace and strength x

I couldn't agree more with you all, ladies. I had a MMC in late September, found out at 12 week scan, so similar time of year to you @danielasummer if you were October. I found Christmas really difficult, especially all of the "did you hear x is pregnant??" And "I just met y's tiny baby, it's so beautiful!". Felt like a Scrooge but find it really hard to feel happy for everyone else with their happy, healthy babies and pregnancies (feel like that makes me sound like an awful person!)

We started TTC again straight away and three months on, no luck. Conceived on month 3 with the baby we lost so finding it really hard that it's taking longer this time. Dark moments have me worrying that the baby we lost was a lucky fluke and we'll never fall pregnant again but doing my best to push those thoughts aside.

Let's hope in the months to come we all have some good news to share with each other and 2020 babies are coming our way. Would love to hear how you're all getting on as time passes.

Xx

Hi,

@danielasummer I am so sorry for your loss. I too am struggling at the moment. I was 8 weeks pregnant, but found out in 16 December the baby had no heartbeat. It was our first, and even though I am doing my best to keep a brave face on etc, it has broken my heart.
My miscarriage isn’t actually complete yet, I had some further scans and opted for medical management, but it didn’t work, so I am back off to hospital today.

I swear that over the new year I have seen so many social media posts about people I know being pregnant; I can’t help but be annoyed or jealous.

My partner is very positive and relaxed, and tells me a lot I need to look forward and be positive about the next baby.

Even though I understand a second mc is less likely and people have mcs all the time and then have healthy a pregnancy, I can’t help but think I won’t be that lucky. My mind is now stuck on the negative.

I hope you are feeling a bit better.

Xx

So sorry to hear of everyone’s struggles it’s five weeks now since we found out about our loss and on the whole I’m ok. I’m still able to find moments of joy and laughter which I could never Imagine five weeks ago. I occasionally feel so desperately sad to the point that it physically hurts, usually at night when I just cry and cry but do wake up feeling more positive. It’s become more of a weight to carry round now rather than an intense sorrow. We’re not actively ttc but we are dtd unprotected, I’m desperate to be pregnant again but dh is understandably hesitant so I’m trying not to pressure or scare him. I had some cramping a few days ago so poas but it was negative. It was so hard hiding my heartbreak from dh. I caught first cycle last time and having read some of the heartbreak and struggles some ladies have ttc over on the conception board I’m terrified.

We’ve finally got round to putting his pram and other larger bits and bobs in the loft but we’ve left his clothes in what would have been his room. It sounds silly but I like to sit in there and fold and re fold his little clothes, I find it therapeutic oddly enough.

Sending so much love to you incredibly brave, strong ladies xx

So sorry to hear of everyone’s losses! I had a miscarriage on 6th December I was10 weeks but baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks. I’ve been feeling really down recently no motivation to go into work never had any time off apart from the day the miscarriage happened, constantly feeling sad and crying at random moments. It’s comforting to be able to relate to other people writing these posts and know I’m not alone. Everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant and having healthy pregnancies and I think why me? I’m so desperate to get pregnant again it’s the only thing that seems to be on my mind does anyone else feel this way? I came on what I thought was my period yesterday (4 weeks after miscarriage) but it has only been light brown so far. Me and my husband have been trying to conceive as soon as my bleeding from the miscarriage stopped. I’ve been reading about loads of women And know a few who have got pregnant straight away after miscarriage before their first period and hoping this light brown stuff today doesn’t turn into a ‘proper’ period! I know it’s very unlikely I’m pregnant but really hoping!

Sending lots of love to you all xx

@Charlotte27x I’m exactly the same! The only thing I can think about or that can make me happy now is to be pregnant again!

Xx

Exactly the same here, ladies. Trying not to stress about it as I know that affects fertility but it's so hard not to! Hoping this month will be our month. It's just so hard.

Exactly the same! I’m five weeks out and taken two (negative) pregnancy tests already I’m just so desperate! I haven’t had a period yet so no idea where I when I would be ovulating etc.

Me too it is on my mind 24/7. Yeah try not to stress. I don’t feel like I’m stressing as such but it is always there at the forefront of my mind. My period started properly this morning and heavier than normal which I think is to be expected after miscarriage. It’s weird because it has actually come at the same time it would have if I had never got pregnant. @MrsMGS fingers crossed this is your month! I’m hoping it will be ours too. Are you doing ovulation tests? @HenrysHome we’re you quite far along maybe that’s why you haven’t had a period yet? @Oliver8people I understand about being stuck in the negative I keep thinking if I do fall pregnant again will I miscarry but I’ve been speaking to people about it and there are so many people at work etc I’ve come across who have miscarried and gone on to have other babies. Just try think positively, I know it’s easier said than done. Xx

I’m so very sorry for your losses. My first pg was a mmc. Found out at a scan at 13 weeks. Really thought that as I had got past 12 weeks then odds on it’d be fine. I was completely devastated and fell into a depression.
You’re grieving. Give it time and be kind to yourselves.
Wishing you all the very best in the future. Crossing my fingers that 2020 will be good to you.

So sorry for your loss, must have been devastating. I’m sure 2020 will be a much better year thank you. X

They found at my 20 week scan that baby had died at 13 weeks @Charlotte27x We’re still waiting on post mortem and other tests but they’re not confident they’ll find a cause x

@HenrysHome I'm so sorry - I can't imagine what you're going through. We had a MMC and found out at our 12 week scan - I was so pleased with passing the dreaded 12 week mark, I assumed we were in the clear. I can't imagine having reached the 20week and going through that. Be patient with yourself and your body, as it sounds you are.

I don't know about all of you but I just find it so comforting knowing how many of us this has happened too. And you're right @Charlotte27x, everyone I've spoken to knows someone this has happened to and they've all gone on to have healthy babies. I've no doubt we'll all get there - it's just the waiting we've got to get through!

I'm using ovulation sticks, yes. Should ovulate this week and then the dreaded tww starts. Trying to stay positive and tell myself we've fallen pregnant before so there's no reason to believe it won't happen again.

@HenrysHome can’t imagine what you’re going through finding out so far along. Even if we do get pregnant again it will be hard to not be anxious all the way through. I hope they do find a cause for you. It’s so frustrating when you hear ‘it’s just one of them things’. I kept trying to blame every little thing, had flu jab at 5 weeks pg was googling everything on mumsnet about other people who had been told to wait until 12 weeks to have the flu jab, then I thought is it because I had drunk quite a bit alcohol before I knew I was pregnant. I’ve stopped trying to think of things now to blame. Yes @MrsMGS there’s no reason to believe it won’t happen again, I’m having the same mindset too. Yeah hate that time waiting to see if you’re going to come on your period or not. Best of luck keep me updated xx

I know the feeling, you think once you’ve made the 12 weeks then everything will be fine, it’s much rarer to happen after that, and especially to go seven weeks without any symptoms

That’s a good way of looking at it @MrsMGS, that we had no problems conceiving last time so fingers crossed there shouldn’t be any this time. It’s so hard to try and be positive about everything because the innocence and the shine to pregnancy is gone.

Please don’t drive yourself mad thinking it was something you did @Charlotte27x, someone on another thread said their midwife told them that the outcome of stuff like this is decided at the moment of conception which is oddly comforting. In a way I want them to find something so we can try and prevent it happening again but I’m terrified they’ll say it was my fault because I did x or y and then I’ll be responsible

Definitely don’t think it could be anything you did @Charlotte27x !
I try really hard to take comfort that I got pregnant quickly (it was our first month of trying), and my partner keeps reassuring me that it can happen quickly again, but I’m driving myself mad trying to work out when I might ovulate etc - I’m still getting positive pg tests at the moment from the miscarriage :-(
It was my first day back at work today after the mc; I thought being back to a routine would do me good, but after an hour or two I burst into tears and have felt miserable all day since.
I’m trying to keep looking forward and thinking about trying again.
It would be great to be kept updated on how you are all getting on - these forums are what keep me going at the moment!

Xx

Yeah I read that to @HenrysHome. My sister who also had a miscarriage first time she was pregnant last year went to go see a consultant in foetal medicine who said sometimes the reason miscarriages happen the first time is because the body is just not used to this embryo growing inside of you and the body rejects it. That’s why the second time round it’s more likely to accept it because the body now knows what it is. @