1st miscarriage and heartbroken

[MissSparkles81]

I'm absolutely devastated, thought I was 9 weeks today but started bleeding on sunday afternoon. Scan at epu this morning confirmed the baby passed at 8+1.
Im 38 and this was my 1st baby and I just dont know what to do or how to feel.
Ive opted to pass the baby at home as I cant bear to have to go into hospital or have a d+c.
I feel so guilty and angry at myself for getting excited and thinking that it was all going to be ok. Naively I thought at 9 weeks I was going to be ok and creeping closer to that magic 12 week mark.
Tomorrow I was supposed to have my 1st midwife appt and now im sat at home waiting to pass my baby.

[MissSparkles81]

@solongtothedream I know exactly how you feel. I didnt want to believe it either thats why I didnt want to go down the medical or surgical route "just incase" even though I knew it was impossible.

I hope things start for you soon. The waiting is the worst. I hope it doesn't happe n at work for you. Do you have supportive colleagues around you?

@Laurab329 how are you tonight? I really hope you dont have to take the 2nd dose of medication.

Ive pretty much slept on and off today. The cramps have started back up tonight but no where near as bad as last night. I just want to rewind to last week where I was excited about being pregnant. I had started one of those pregnancy journals and now I dont know what to do with it. I still have my positive tests in a drawer and I cant get that image of my baby out of my head from earlier.

[Vio112]

Hi everyone, just looking for some support as I went to an early scan yesterday as I was bleeding for 4 days and I was told that the sack only looked 5 weeks old (should be 7 + 3) and was misshapen. I'm absolutely devastated. I think I'm the only person in my family to have had a miscarriage and I always naively thought it was something that happened to other people and tried to hold on to hope until the last minute. I've been crying since monday when the bleeding started and I feel totally exhausted and numb. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a baby at a later stage. I feel like in some way this is my fault.

[MissSparkles81]

@Vio112 I am so sorry to hear your sad news. Its awful and I totally share your thoughts of "Did I do something wrong" I am blaming myself for telling people and getting excited. The truth is sadly there is nothing that we could have done to stop this from happening. It doesn't make us feel any better though.

Sending you the biggest of hugs.

The cramps have settled down a bit but still very much there. My boobs are still sore. Its like my body is playing cruel tricks on me.

@solongtothedream and @Laurab329 hope you ladies are doing ok.

@ilikebigMutts thank you for the kind post. I did try and reply last night but it wouldnt send. I too work in the NHS as a nurse so my tolerance of things are usually ok but the treatment in a+e will never leave me. Normally I would be all up for making a complaint but I just want to forget it and try and move on. I know that I will never go back there if I do fall pregnant again even though its 5 mins from my house.

[solongtothedream]

My advice re the journal is to get rid to be honest MissSparkles - I kept a 7wk scan photo of my first pregnancy for years (MMC at 10 weeks) and it plummeted my mood every time I found it in the drawer. Even after having my DC it still had the power to upset me and eventually I threw it away. It doesn't mean you've forgotten or don't care, but I'm not a fan of keeping painful memories raw. Hope you're in less pain now at least.

Colleagues are lovely but I haven't told them I was pregnant so they're not aware (we own the business so no HR to inform!). We tend to work solo, there might be someone else there doing a session at the same time but there might not. Hopefully I'll get enough warning to find cover or cancel my sessions.

@Vio112 I'm very sorry to hear your sad news, it's a shock at any stage. It's nothing you've done or haven't done, miscarriage is so much more common than you realise until it happens to you (1 in 4 women will have at least one. There will almost definitely be someone in your family who has at some point). Usually it's a random genetic problem, just rotten bad luck when sperm met egg and there's nothing you could have done differently to prevent it but also no reason why you can't go on to have a healthy pregnancy next time. I hope you have support around you, did they confirm a miscarriage or ask you to go back in week? Sending hugs x

[MissSparkles81]

Really struggling tonight. Tomorrow will be a week since the bleeding started and I realised that something was wrong

[HavelockVetinari]

I'm so sorry @MissSparkles81

I've miscarried 4 times, and the later the mc the harder it was (for me). Be kind to yourself, take time out to grieve.

My latest mc was 7 weeks ago, and I'm about to start IVF #7. I hope 2020 brings both of us babies.

[solongtothedream]

It's really tough @MissSparkles81, I wish there were something I could say that could make it better but sadly it's only time that will do that. I'm thinking of you though and here to listen if you need to talk. Is your partner being supportive?

I'm driving myself a little crazy. Still no outward sign that things are over, I'm having vivid pregnancy dreams every night that the baby is still ok (feeling kicks in my dreams!) and have to remind myself every morning that it isn't. Jeans don't fit - I was going to buy some mat jeans after the scan but obviously don't want to now, so squeezing myself into what I have. Just want it to happen and be done with rather than torturing myself with the possibility of a miracle.

[solongtothedream]

Good luck with the IVF @HavelockVetinari. I'm so sorry for your losses x

[MissSparkles81]

@solongtothedream thanks hun. Im so sorry that things haven't started for you yet. The waiting must be so tough! How much longer will you wait before getting in touch with the hospital?

My bf is amazing but he is away to see his wee one today. I just couldnt face it. Its a 90min journey there and back. Im currently still in bed and just want to stay here all day but I know thats not healthy either.

This miscarriage is bringing up all kinds of emotions that I thought I had delt with from my mum passing away last year. I also had cancer 3 years ago and it just feels like things always happen to me you know?

I just want my happy ending for once ....

Sorry ... full on pity party going on today

@HavelockVetinari I am so sorry to hear about your loss too. Good luck with your ivf journey. I hope your wee rainbow baby is just around the corner

[solongtothedream]

Previous mmcs have taken 2-3 weeks to start bleeding after hb stopped and then another week or so to pass the sac etc. It's been a week and a half so far so I'll probably give it until next weekend to see if things start on their own. We're going away mid December and I really want/need it to be over by then.

If you want to stay in bed all day then do! The feeling of wanting to hide won't last forever, but you need to take care of you for a little while. Sounds like you've had a really tough ride over the last few years, I hope next year is your year.

[MissSparkles81]

I hope you dont have much longer to wait. Are you going away somewhere nice in December?

[MissSparkles81]

I dragged myself out for a little while to see my bf and his wee one. It was so hard seeing lots of babies and kids about.

I am going to phone up and see if I can access some sort of counselling tomorrow from the scottish miscarriage association. I feel I really need to talk to someone about my experience.

Thinking of everyone who has posted on my thread. Love to you all xx

[solongtothedream]

Good for you @MissSparkles81, talking is definitely the best recovery. I hope you can find someone who can help ASAP.

We're going away to the Canaries for Christmas - will be nice to get away from trying to carry on as normal for a while. I can't wait to see the back of this year to be honest. Everything crossed 2020 is kinder to us all...

[MissSparkles81]

@solongtothedream aw the canaries will be lovely. I wish we could just go away for a few days.

I have an appt to speak to someone a week today. Im hoping its helpful xx

[Bluerussian]

I'm so sorry, Sparkles . A horrible experience for you.
(Hope goes well next time.)

[danielasummer]

Hi all, I'm so sorry for your losses. I just wanted to post and say that I went through all of this 3 weeks ago today. Missed miscarriage at 6+3 (2 days after seeing the heartbeat at a scan), and found out at 10 weeks. Had medical management a week later.

I wanted to share some of the things I was thinking/feeling in the hope of helping you all in some way.

• I also felt to blame in some way to the point where I really hated myself, but during my pregnancy I was so so careful, didn't eat what I shouldn't have eaten, took my vitamins, didn't even MOVE in certain ways in case I hurt my baby. I have a family member pregnant that got pregnant at the same time as me and she was the total opposite - wasn't anxious, ate what she wanted (within reason), was picking up heavy things etc. This has shown me that I was not to blame in any way at all and me being careful etc did not save my baby. There is literally nothing else I could have done.
  

• I was in bed for a few days too and had hours on end of pity parties. It's honestly normal for people who have been so happy, imagined a future with their baby, have started looking at clothes etc to feel so devastated when they lose theirs. Don't be hard on yourself and if you want to stay in bed, then stay in bed. Grief can physically hurt (it felt like my heart had been pulled out of my chest) and it's important to flow with the grief.
  

• I had my positive pregnancy tests, photos of my bump (which 'popped' at around 5 weeks as I'm slim so was pretty big at that point), pregnancy books, messages I'd excitedly sent to family members, photos of my scan, my green pregnancy booklet from the midwife, notes on my phone of questions to ask the midwife.. I had to to delete/throw everything away. I wanted to originally keep them as memories but as a pp said above, I'm also not a fan of raw negative memories. I asked my husband to dispose of them and I have no regrets.
  

• when I was given the news at the scan, I had expected to smash all of the equipment up, have a heart attack and die. I was honestly dreading the worst, so much so that when I didn't do all of those things mentioned, I was proud of myself. Us women are stronger than we think and the unknown is always the worst.
  

• I did, and still do, dream of holding my baby. I woke up a few nights ago from a dream in which I had twin boys and was breastfeeding. I'm sad to say I soaked my pillow as I was crying in my sleep. Again, I think this is totally normal as our dreams are called dreams for a reason - our brains are working in overdrive and thinking of things that we desperately want.
  

• I thought the sonographer must have been wrong and I'd convinced myself that I was in fact still pregnant and the baby was 'hiding'. This is again very normal as we don't want to believe the worst.
  

• I found in the beginning that my miscarriage was all consuming and that I would never feel happy again. I questioned all of the time 'why me'. MN helped me tremendously (which is also why I'm posting on here) and I have some tips that helped me in those early stages:
  

1. writing a 'miscarriage journal' which sounds so awful and emotionally harrowing but I can't tell you how therapeutic it felt to write everything down. All of my emotions, grief, anger, sadness, hope, guilt, envy of others. Don't make yourself write in it every day - just whenever you feel.
   
2. post on here/read other's posts for support.
   
3. go for long walks (when you are physically able to). Vitamin D from the sun helped me, as did getting out of the house.
   
4. hot showers (I never felt 'clean' when I was miscarrying and these showers helped ease my stomach cramps).
   
5. talking to family members or friends that have gone through the same (if you don't have any family members/friends, please do message me and I will try my best to help).
   
6. finding something that my husband and I didn't do pre-pregnancy or whilst pregnant so that we could make new memories, for example we are starting yoga in December together.
   
7. enjoying things we couldn't enjoy whilst pregnant (e.g. sushi, which is my favourite).
   
8. mind-map things you are grateful for - I have mine in front of me now and I have 'my puppy, finding my husband at a young age, parents that are always on the other end of the phone for me, a full fridge, steady income, the fact I'm still breathing'.
   

I hope this helps in some way. I honestly thought my world would end in the early stages of my miscarriage. It was the worst time of my life but I know now that if it happens again (which I'm dreading and hope if doesn't), I can get through it. I'm now at a point, three weeks on since the medicine, that I am able to get through my day somewhat normally. I still cry most days, but I'm not howling on my own in bed in the dark like I was in the beginning (and there is NOTHING wrong with that - we are mothers, if only somewhat for a brief period of time). There is light at the end of the tunnel and I am offering a handhold to all of you. x

[danielasummer]

Just to add to my extremely long message above - I forgot to add three important things that have also helped:

• believing that my body has realised that my baby would not have lived a healthy life should I have carried him/her to term (this is something I have only just started to think and may take time).
  

• telling everyone that I had a miscarriage. This has helped because not only has it allowed me to acknowledge that I was indeed pregnant with my first child (something I don't ever want to be dismissed), it allows for a conversation and I've found that telling people has helped, showing that so many others have also sadly been what I've been through and accepting their support and advice.
  

• I'm not religious and never was pre-pregnancy, but my grandmother gave me a rosary when I miscarried and at first I thought I'd put it in a drawer and forget about it. A few weeks ago I started praying, every morning and evening, just a short prayer to ask to get pregnant soon and carry a healthy baby to term, and that they live a long and healthy life. I've found this to be soothing, especially before bed, and like I've ticked something off my 'to do' list. Also hoping (perhaps naively, I'm not sure) that it will help me. I've also started to think that one day I will see my baby again. I know religion isn't for everyone and honestly I was not really a believer before I was pregnant but it's just recently that I've found it to be a real comfort.
  

Sending you hugs x

[squirrelnutkins1]

I was in your shoes earlier this year and this week marks my would've been due date 💔

I can honestly say that Mumsnet really did help me thru. I'm still beyond devastated and regularly cry but I can function again.

Please let yourself grieve. A loss is a loss. It doesn't matter how early or late your pregnancy is, it's YOUR loss. Take the time to grieve.

I took advantage of some free local counselling. Honestly it wasn't really my bag but it did help a little and I know everyone is different so the sessions may be of use.

Grief can manifest itself physically. Just writing this out is giving me pain in my chest. I had this pain almost constantly in the early days of loss, but it's not so prominent now. This doesn't mean I've moved on and forgotten, it just means I'm able to function thru the pain. A lot of this process is learning to understand and accept things which is hard when you've been thru something so unnatural.

I promise you you will get thru this and be able to laugh, smile and feel joy again. I'm not going to say that'll be next week or next month but one day you will.

Hand on heart not just for the devastation of our mc, other things too, 2019 has been the worst year of our lives. It's been truly awful and we're just trying to get to the end of the year so we can start 2020 a fresh!

Here's hoping we all get our babies whether it's natural conception, IUI, IVF, adoption or some other way 💕

[Tiniestsky]

Just been reading through all these posts, sorry for your loss @MissSparkles81 there really aren't any words that can make it better I know. I hope just knowing you're not along offers some comfort.
I have just experienced my second mc a couple days ago, it's the hardest thing to accept that sometimes with everything pregnancy related it's just crap luck and we'll never know what went wrong.
I keep myself going and wanting to try again by reminding myself that I would rather try and fail than regret not trying again through fear.
Give yourself time, it will get easier x

[Allstarxo]

@MissSparkles81 I really am sorry for your loss lovely but reading these posts have honestly kept me going and see the positive as I hope it is with you too.

I was round about 9/10 weeks with my very first pregnancy in which me, my boyfriend and family were so so excited about. I started to bleed early hours Sunday morning with brown spotting at first which gradually got abit heavier and cramps started to happen. Phoned NHS 24 who told me to go to Out of hours GP. Waited for 3.5 hours to be told - “we can’t scan you as we don’t have the equipment at weekends but don’t worry - bleeding is normal”

Went to work on Monday (worst idea ever) when I went to the toilet and just saw bright red blood. Automatically panicked. Tried to phone my midwife at my local pregnancy care unit and then the early pregnancy assessment unit at the chosen hospital. Nobody answered!! Phoned my GP as I was getting myself into a state in which the receptionist told me “I can’t do anything for you - you need to go to the midwife”. Got sent home from work for being in such a state.

The early pregnancy assessment centre at the hospital finally answered the phone and told me to go for an emergency scan the following morning (Yesterday).

Finally found the maternity unit at the hospital and as soon as I sat down to wait - the fire alarm went off!!! You could not write it. So after about 45 minutes - I was finally seen and got a vaginal ultrasound. I knew straight away from the midwife and student midwife faces that it wasn’t good. She said I only measured for 6 weeks. There was a sac, yolk but no embryo or heartbeat. I just knew that wasn’t right. She printed off the scan for me and told me to come back next week.

Last night during “I am a Celebrity - get me out of here” UK Tv show - I had the worst cramp I have ever experience and the blood was getting worse with clots and tissue. I was in a lot of pain. Went back to bed with my boyfriend and I just “felt it”. I felt it coming out - sorry for the TMI. Ran to the toilet, and there it was on the pad I had on.

I broke down and I’ve woke up this morning feeling deflated, heartbroken, confused, angry - every emotion you can think. I can’t believe the midwife printed off the scan for me if they knew something was wrong. It’s basically like a “this is what you could of had”. Devastated. To make matters worse - I’ve just opened a letter for my 12 week scan 😢

I’m only 28 and honestly didn’t think it would happen to me.

This thread has really helped me. So thank you all. I guess it wasn’t the right time for me. Xx

[MissSparkles81]

Hi everyone and thank you for all the recent comments.

Today ive been so emotional and upset. Hormones really kicking in ... cried at the junior bake off final this morning.

Im still getting positive pregnancy tests and my body feels pregnant still. The bleeding has tapered off to a browish discharge ... almost like what you get at the end of a period.

I just want my baby back ... why is this so bludding unfair

[squirrelnutkins1]

Hugs x it'll get easier.... promise. Let yourself grieve x

[BillywilliamV]

I was 38 when I miscarried my first at 9weeks. I was devastated but rationalized it this way; if you had a factory sitting idle for 38 years you wouldn't expect it to start up immediately and produce something perfect. My body was allowed a dry run . I was pregnant again three months later and the result is currently sitting in her pit of a bedroom making far too much noise on Facetime.

[MissSparkles81]

@billywillamV your comment made me smile. Im so glad you got your rainbow xx

[Pomley]

Sorry to hear this OP, I lost twins several years ago at 8 weeks. I am loathe to say it gets easier as I don't think that's the right way to describe it, but it does. As others have said, be kind to yourself