1st miscarriage and heartbroken

[MissSparkles81]

I'm absolutely devastated, thought I was 9 weeks today but started bleeding on sunday afternoon. Scan at epu this morning confirmed the baby passed at 8+1.
Im 38 and this was my 1st baby and I just dont know what to do or how to feel.
Ive opted to pass the baby at home as I cant bear to have to go into hospital or have a d+c.
I feel so guilty and angry at myself for getting excited and thinking that it was all going to be ok. Naively I thought at 9 weeks I was going to be ok and creeping closer to that magic 12 week mark.
Tomorrow I was supposed to have my 1st midwife appt and now im sat at home waiting to pass my baby.

[HenrysHome]

How are you doing today @MissSparkles81?

[HenrysHome]

It’s comforting to have it there in a way. If it’s gone it’s all gone but if it’s still around then there’s still hope it will be used one day x

[MissSparkles81]

@HenrysHome oh babe I am so sorry. That must be so hard. We didnt buy anything as I was too scared incase I jinxed anything.

Can a family member take a pram for you so you dont have to look at it? Xx

[HenrysHome]

It’s so hard isn’t it. I’m looking at his pram we bought sitting in the corner of the room. On Wednesday night I pushed it up and down to distract myself from my growing pains (we know now that they were the start of contractions). We were so happy and excited and now everywhere I look it’s just painful memories.

[MissSparkles81]

Today I should have been 12 weeks pregnant and excited for my 1st official scan on Friday instead im waiting for that negative pregnancy test so we can start tracking and trying again

[MissSparkles81]

My hospital didnt give me any information sadly. I had to look it all up myself. The sessions are helpful but they are hard too. I have another one booked in for next week and then they close for christmas.

I am also worried about trying again with my bf. We haven't really spoke about trying again yet. I dont want to put him under pressure as we have had a few performance related issues in the past

[HenrysHome]

I know what you mean OP, I am desperate to try again as soon as possible but very conscience that my husband also needs time and space to heal. I am terrified he might need a long time because as difficult as it is I will need to respect that. I am thinking of counselling too, the hospital gave us some numbers to call. Do you find it worthwhile?

[MissSparkles81]

@HenrysHome I am so sorry for your loss hun. I hope you have lots of support round about you.

I did another test this morning and it is still showing the faintest of faint positives. I just want that negative so I can start tracking everything again

I have another counselling session today so hoping that helps a wee bit.

[HenrysHome]

So sorry to hear of everyone’s losses - so sad and cruel. I gave birth to my baby boy on Friday (at 20 weeks). We found out at our 20 scan that we had lost him at 13 weeks. Such comforting advice from mothers who have suffered too. The days seem so long to get through but I’m trying to take it 5 minutes at a time x

[MissSparkles81]

So yesterday I had my 1st counselling session at a local miscarriage charity.
It was helpful to be able to let it all out and properly cry and I have made an appointment to go back next week.

I am still off work and will be getting signed off for another 2 weeks then will see how I feel about going back. Sadly I am still getting positive tests and at night especially my boobs are still really sore.

Just to add to my misery I also came down with a stomach bug over the weekend. Seriously ... can someone just give me a break!

Feeling a bit more human today so have booked myself in for a back massage.

Thinking of everyone who has posted on my thread xx

[Elmlee]

Just wanted to say to all you ladies I'm sending you lots of love. This thread is heartbreaking xxx

[Pomley]

Sorry to hear this OP, I lost twins several years ago at 8 weeks. I am loathe to say it gets easier as I don't think that's the right way to describe it, but it does. As others have said, be kind to yourself

[MissSparkles81]

@billywillamV your comment made me smile. Im so glad you got your rainbow xx

[BillywilliamV]

I was 38 when I miscarried my first at 9weeks. I was devastated but rationalized it this way; if you had a factory sitting idle for 38 years you wouldn't expect it to start up immediately and produce something perfect. My body was allowed a dry run . I was pregnant again three months later and the result is currently sitting in her pit of a bedroom making far too much noise on Facetime.

[squirrelnutkins1]

Hugs x it'll get easier.... promise. Let yourself grieve x

[MissSparkles81]

Hi everyone and thank you for all the recent comments.

Today ive been so emotional and upset. Hormones really kicking in ... cried at the junior bake off final this morning.

Im still getting positive pregnancy tests and my body feels pregnant still. The bleeding has tapered off to a browish discharge ... almost like what you get at the end of a period.

I just want my baby back ... why is this so bludding unfair

[Allstarxo]

@MissSparkles81 I really am sorry for your loss lovely but reading these posts have honestly kept me going and see the positive as I hope it is with you too.

I was round about 9/10 weeks with my very first pregnancy in which me, my boyfriend and family were so so excited about. I started to bleed early hours Sunday morning with brown spotting at first which gradually got abit heavier and cramps started to happen. Phoned NHS 24 who told me to go to Out of hours GP. Waited for 3.5 hours to be told - “we can’t scan you as we don’t have the equipment at weekends but don’t worry - bleeding is normal”

Went to work on Monday (worst idea ever) when I went to the toilet and just saw bright red blood. Automatically panicked. Tried to phone my midwife at my local pregnancy care unit and then the early pregnancy assessment unit at the chosen hospital. Nobody answered!! Phoned my GP as I was getting myself into a state in which the receptionist told me “I can’t do anything for you - you need to go to the midwife”. Got sent home from work for being in such a state.

The early pregnancy assessment centre at the hospital finally answered the phone and told me to go for an emergency scan the following morning (Yesterday).

Finally found the maternity unit at the hospital and as soon as I sat down to wait - the fire alarm went off!!! You could not write it. So after about 45 minutes - I was finally seen and got a vaginal ultrasound. I knew straight away from the midwife and student midwife faces that it wasn’t good. She said I only measured for 6 weeks. There was a sac, yolk but no embryo or heartbeat. I just knew that wasn’t right. She printed off the scan for me and told me to come back next week.

Last night during “I am a Celebrity - get me out of here” UK Tv show - I had the worst cramp I have ever experience and the blood was getting worse with clots and tissue. I was in a lot of pain. Went back to bed with my boyfriend and I just “felt it”. I felt it coming out - sorry for the TMI. Ran to the toilet, and there it was on the pad I had on.

I broke down and I’ve woke up this morning feeling deflated, heartbroken, confused, angry - every emotion you can think. I can’t believe the midwife printed off the scan for me if they knew something was wrong. It’s basically like a “this is what you could of had”. Devastated. To make matters worse - I’ve just opened a letter for my 12 week scan 😢

I’m only 28 and honestly didn’t think it would happen to me.

This thread has really helped me. So thank you all. I guess it wasn’t the right time for me. Xx

[Tiniestsky]

Just been reading through all these posts, sorry for your loss @MissSparkles81 there really aren't any words that can make it better I know. I hope just knowing you're not along offers some comfort.
I have just experienced my second mc a couple days ago, it's the hardest thing to accept that sometimes with everything pregnancy related it's just crap luck and we'll never know what went wrong.
I keep myself going and wanting to try again by reminding myself that I would rather try and fail than regret not trying again through fear.
Give yourself time, it will get easier x

[squirrelnutkins1]

I was in your shoes earlier this year and this week marks my would've been due date 💔

I can honestly say that Mumsnet really did help me thru. I'm still beyond devastated and regularly cry but I can function again.

Please let yourself grieve. A loss is a loss. It doesn't matter how early or late your pregnancy is, it's YOUR loss. Take the time to grieve.

I took advantage of some free local counselling. Honestly it wasn't really my bag but it did help a little and I know everyone is different so the sessions may be of use.

Grief can manifest itself physically. Just writing this out is giving me pain in my chest. I had this pain almost constantly in the early days of loss, but it's not so prominent now. This doesn't mean I've moved on and forgotten, it just means I'm able to function thru the pain. A lot of this process is learning to understand and accept things which is hard when you've been thru something so unnatural.

I promise you you will get thru this and be able to laugh, smile and feel joy again. I'm not going to say that'll be next week or next month but one day you will.

Hand on heart not just for the devastation of our mc, other things too, 2019 has been the worst year of our lives. It's been truly awful and we're just trying to get to the end of the year so we can start 2020 a fresh!

Here's hoping we all get our babies whether it's natural conception, IUI, IVF, adoption or some other way 💕

[danielasummer]

Just to add to my extremely long message above - I forgot to add three important things that have also helped:

• believing that my body has realised that my baby would not have lived a healthy life should I have carried him/her to term (this is something I have only just started to think and may take time).
  

• telling everyone that I had a miscarriage. This has helped because not only has it allowed me to acknowledge that I was indeed pregnant with my first child (something I don't ever want to be dismissed), it allows for a conversation and I've found that telling people has helped, showing that so many others have also sadly been what I've been through and accepting their support and advice.
  

• I'm not religious and never was pre-pregnancy, but my grandmother gave me a rosary when I miscarried and at first I thought I'd put it in a drawer and forget about it. A few weeks ago I started praying, every morning and evening, just a short prayer to ask to get pregnant soon and carry a healthy baby to term, and that they live a long and healthy life. I've found this to be soothing, especially before bed, and like I've ticked something off my 'to do' list. Also hoping (perhaps naively, I'm not sure) that it will help me. I've also started to think that one day I will see my baby again. I know religion isn't for everyone and honestly I was not really a believer before I was pregnant but it's just recently that I've found it to be a real comfort.
  

Sending you hugs x

[danielasummer]

Hi all, I'm so sorry for your losses. I just wanted to post and say that I went through all of this 3 weeks ago today. Missed miscarriage at 6+3 (2 days after seeing the heartbeat at a scan), and found out at 10 weeks. Had medical management a week later.

I wanted to share some of the things I was thinking/feeling in the hope of helping you all in some way.

• I also felt to blame in some way to the point where I really hated myself, but during my pregnancy I was so so careful, didn't eat what I shouldn't have eaten, took my vitamins, didn't even MOVE in certain ways in case I hurt my baby. I have a family member pregnant that got pregnant at the same time as me and she was the total opposite - wasn't anxious, ate what she wanted (within reason), was picking up heavy things etc. This has shown me that I was not to blame in any way at all and me being careful etc did not save my baby. There is literally nothing else I could have done.
  

• I was in bed for a few days too and had hours on end of pity parties. It's honestly normal for people who have been so happy, imagined a future with their baby, have started looking at clothes etc to feel so devastated when they lose theirs. Don't be hard on yourself and if you want to stay in bed, then stay in bed. Grief can physically hurt (it felt like my heart had been pulled out of my chest) and it's important to flow with the grief.
  

• I had my positive pregnancy tests, photos of my bump (which 'popped' at around 5 weeks as I'm slim so was pretty big at that point), pregnancy books, messages I'd excitedly sent to family members, photos of my scan, my green pregnancy booklet from the midwife, notes on my phone of questions to ask the midwife.. I had to to delete/throw everything away. I wanted to originally keep them as memories but as a pp said above, I'm also not a fan of raw negative memories. I asked my husband to dispose of them and I have no regrets.
  

• when I was given the news at the scan, I had expected to smash all of the equipment up, have a heart attack and die. I was honestly dreading the worst, so much so that when I didn't do all of those things mentioned, I was proud of myself. Us women are stronger than we think and the unknown is always the worst.
  

• I did, and still do, dream of holding my baby. I woke up a few nights ago from a dream in which I had twin boys and was breastfeeding. I'm sad to say I soaked my pillow as I was crying in my sleep. Again, I think this is totally normal as our dreams are called dreams for a reason - our brains are working in overdrive and thinking of things that we desperately want.
  

• I thought the sonographer must have been wrong and I'd convinced myself that I was in fact still pregnant and the baby was 'hiding'. This is again very normal as we don't want to believe the worst.
  

• I found in the beginning that my miscarriage was all consuming and that I would never feel happy again. I questioned all of the time 'why me'. MN helped me tremendously (which is also why I'm posting on here) and I have some tips that helped me in those early stages:
  

1. writing a 'miscarriage journal' which sounds so awful and emotionally harrowing but I can't tell you how therapeutic it felt to write everything down. All of my emotions, grief, anger, sadness, hope, guilt, envy of others. Don't make yourself write in it every day - just whenever you feel.
   
2. post on here/read other's posts for support.
   
3. go for long walks (when you are physically able to). Vitamin D from the sun helped me, as did getting out of the house.
   
4. hot showers (I never felt 'clean' when I was miscarrying and these showers helped ease my stomach cramps).
   
5. talking to family members or friends that have gone through the same (if you don't have any family members/friends, please do message me and I will try my best to help).
   
6. finding something that my husband and I didn't do pre-pregnancy or whilst pregnant so that we could make new memories, for example we are starting yoga in December together.
   
7. enjoying things we couldn't enjoy whilst pregnant (e.g. sushi, which is my favourite).
   
8. mind-map things you are grateful for - I have mine in front of me now and I have 'my puppy, finding my husband at a young age, parents that are always on the other end of the phone for me, a full fridge, steady income, the fact I'm still breathing'.
   

I hope this helps in some way. I honestly thought my world would end in the early stages of my miscarriage. It was the worst time of my life but I know now that if it happens again (which I'm dreading and hope if doesn't), I can get through it. I'm now at a point, three weeks on since the medicine, that I am able to get through my day somewhat normally. I still cry most days, but I'm not howling on my own in bed in the dark like I was in the beginning (and there is NOTHING wrong with that - we are mothers, if only somewhat for a brief period of time). There is light at the end of the tunnel and I am offering a handhold to all of you. x

[Bluerussian]

I'm so sorry, Sparkles . A horrible experience for you.
(Hope goes well next time.)

[MissSparkles81]

@solongtothedream aw the canaries will be lovely. I wish we could just go away for a few days.

I have an appt to speak to someone a week today. Im hoping its helpful xx

[solongtothedream]

Good for you @MissSparkles81, talking is definitely the best recovery. I hope you can find someone who can help ASAP.

We're going away to the Canaries for Christmas - will be nice to get away from trying to carry on as normal for a while. I can't wait to see the back of this year to be honest. Everything crossed 2020 is kinder to us all...

[MissSparkles81]

I dragged myself out for a little while to see my bf and his wee one. It was so hard seeing lots of babies and kids about.

I am going to phone up and see if I can access some sort of counselling tomorrow from the scottish miscarriage association. I feel I really need to talk to someone about my experience.

Thinking of everyone who has posted on my thread. Love to you all xx