People announcing pregnancy’s so early

[L2018]

Hi all,

So just been told that a girl I work with is pregnant. When I asked her how far along she is i was gob smacked! 5 weeks!

It makes me really upset and angry! Simply because of my miscarriages and I wouldn’t even dream of telling people until I couldn’t get away with it.

I was always one of these people who thought it wouldn’t happen to me and it does. And I just know that she will probably be one of the Lucy ones who goes on to have a beautiful baby.

#very emotional 😭

The thing is, miscarriages rob us of the joy of pregnancy, and those who do not experience it have no concept of it. Why would they?

As other PP's have said, there is no safe zone. Even if we deliver a baby to term, there are still risks. I had three losses before the safe delivery of my first child and another a year after the birth of my second and I always told the immediate people in my life early. I am pleased that I did, because I required a lot of support, more so after each subsequent loss.

I did end up seeing a psychologist after my third loss and my eyes were really opened to how I had put myself under a lot of stress because I felt I couldn't openly grieve something that is almost a social taboo.

I am sorry for your loss, and I do understand the emotion behind your post (although clumsily phrased). I know that pregnancy announcements can knock you for six, and I could feel quite jealous of others at times, (without wishing ill will on them or their pregnancy).

I hope that you do manage to have a happy ending OP.

That Hadley Freeman article is very powerful. I find the taboo rather misogynistic too. It feels as though, now we're increasingly aware that first trimester miscarriage is (i) very very common and (ii) usually due to chromosomal and structural issues that couldn't be prevented, there's still this determination to pin it on women in other ways. It's kind of an "ok, well, we can't blame women for causing their miscarriages by getting too stressed or carrying heavy objects or working when pregnant, but we can still imply that they caused it through hubris or tempting fate" .

Personally, I told people at different times, weighing up how much I wanted that particular person's support against how painful it would be to have the conversation with them if something went wrong. So my best friend knew as soon as I did, but I didn't tell another old friend until after the anomaly scan because I knew how self-absorbed she was and I dreaded her offhand reaction if I had to tell her bad news (I can guarantee that she'd either have turned the conversation back onto herself within seconds, or found a way to turn the conversation round to her usual rant about how women who have children are brainwashed mugs because they don't really want them, they just think they do because of the patriarchy). The friendship was over by the time I gave birth anyway, because what's the point of an old friend if you have to walk on eggshells around their temper and selfishness to the point where you're hiding a baby bump from them?

and I just know she'll be one of those that go on to have a beautiful baby

This reads as if you hope she doesn't, or it isn't fair if she does have a beautiful healthy baby because she has told people early?

Maybe she's excited.

Maybe she knows if the worst were to happen she doesn't have to bottle it and pretend she's ok when people are none-the-wiser.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. But please be kinder.

With my first two pregnancies I wanted to wait until after the 12 week scan to tell people buy after losing the second baby at 10 weeks I told most people what had happened anyway because I was so ill afterwards. I'm now 6 weeks pregnant and struggling with the idea of keeping it a secret - why should I worry on my own for the next 6 weeks and hide the fact I'm pregnant?

That Hadley Freeman article above is very good. I agree that telling people early (if that's what you want to do) helps to dispel the culture of secrecy around miscarriages.

I wonder if this is a cultural thing. I grew up in the US and people tend to tell their friends/family and even work as early as they feel. As the healthcare system is private depending on insurance you can get a scan from 6-8 weeks and confirm a heartbeat early.

It was only living in the UK that I came across this unofficial rule that pregnancies aren't announced until 12-20 weeks at the earliest. And I was told that it's not accepted to buy a gift for a baby before it's born "in case something happens." To me this shrouds pregnancy in a fog of secrecy and negativity and it doesn't seem to be to the benefit of women in my view.

Having also suffered multiple miscarriages I think it depends on the person as some need support around them and perhaps new people who have never tried before may just be very excited - good luck if you're still ttc but everyone's different

Sending lots of love. Just remember she has had different experiences than you, and will do things differently. Try not to take it personally, it can be soul destroying watching someone with something you want, but it will be ok, you will get through it.

I think the 12 week thing comes partly from the former ubiquity of loss - and the fact that even at much later stages such loss was just not talked about, partly because, I presume, silence was seen as a way of making it go away from others -, and also from the difficulty of 'knowing' about a pregnancy at early stages (the first movements of a baby being known as the quickening, where 'quick' = alive, sort of indicates that too). But I also agree that these days there is an edge of aggression around women drawing attention to themselves/'making a fuss'. A lot of our societal functioning is heavily dependent on women 'getting on with it'. This observation by Thisone is also very astute: 'It's kind of an "ok, well, we can't blame women for causing their miscarriages by getting too stressed or carrying heavy objects or working when pregnant, but we can still imply that they caused it through hubris or tempting fate" .

With my last pregnancy, after having had 3 mc (of a total of six) consecutively, I didn't tell non-close people until probably about 14 weeks, when it was pretty obvious anyway. That was more to do with my own struggles with the whole thing. I've never kept any of my mc particularly to myself, and have on occasion had the vibe of people not really wanting to hear about it.

I have had 2 MMC so I know how hard it as but it's her choice and non of your business, like PP said there's no shame in having a MC so maybe she is ok with having to tell people it resulted in a loss if that unfortunately happens to her. People knew I was pregnant from 5 weeks as they knew I had had IVF so people asked and I was very open

OP, I am very sorry for your loss. But you have no right to be upset or angry at someone's personal choice when it has no bearing on you. Pregnancy announcements are tough on many people, for a variety of reasons. You don't know her intimate history, she may have her own reasons for announcing early and good on her for that decision as it's her personal choice. You sound angry OP, I hope your getting support for your loss.

Someone I know has had multiple miscarriages and announced all pregnancy’s at 5 weeks on social media, then subsequently the very sad miscarriages.
She likes people to know, she likes to talk about it, she doesn’t want to pretend her babies didn’t exist and that is completely her choice.
I’m sorry for your loss though OP

Sorry OP but I think it’s very backwards to think this way!

It’s puttinh women into a ‘suffer it in silence’ trap which is old fashioned and Frankly horrific!!

MIL thinks this way and I recently had it out with her over dinner. The only reason to not tell people is to a) protect them from feeling the same disappointment and pain you will if something goes wrong, or b) to hide some supposed ‘shame’ I should feel at having lost a baby! 🤔😡

It’s absoloutley bonkers in my opinion!

If the worst were to happen, I’m what, just supposed to make up excuses to friends/family/work - ‘oh I’ve got a big/virus’ why not just be honest! I personally feel that the ‘shame’ of hiding it just adds to the Mental pressure of the early days.

Going against the grain here, but... people keep saying they tell early because if they do have a miscarriage they will need support. But you can always ask for support without having previously announced the pregnancy! I appreciate the point about celebrating each life no matter how short, but on a practical/ emotional level it's much easier to say "I have some sad news, I was pregnant but I miscarried" than to go through the joyful announcement and THEN have to go around telling everyone bad news.

And there is ALWAYS going to be someone who heard that you were pregnant but didn't hear about the loss, and they will come up to you all excited wanting to talk about it and you'll feel terrible and so will they.

I'm a manager at work and, over the years, various of my team have told me they are pregnant at around the 5 or 6 week mark but haven't told anyone else at work and often the only other people who know are their DH or DP and perhaps their mum. Of these, some have inevitably miscarried and for some it hasn't been their first miscarriage.
This has made me feel that it would be better if everyone was much more open about the early stages of pregnancy and how common losses are. Having to support colleagues through this has been particularly tough when I know that I am their only support. Yes, they have their DH/DP but he is often equally upset and so they have turned to me. Of course, I have willingly provided that support but I can't support them the way that a friend or relative would. It strikes me as so bizarre that this is hidden - one colleague was having a miscarriage at the same time as another had her rabbit put to sleep. Everyone rallied around the person whose rabbit had died and, of course, the person who was having the miscarriage had to do the same whilst her hopes and dreams were falling apart.
I appreciate everyone is different. Some people are open, some people aren't. But the approach to miscarriage seems to be a societal norm and I don't understand why. I remember telling one person when I was 9wks pregnant with DC2 who said "oh, don't tell me - you'll jinx it". What?? How??

@brookshelley interesting point. I had never thought about it like that.

For me, I didn't want a baby shower or anything before the baby was born (Barr a car seat, sling, a few baby grows and a baby hammock) because I knew a few people who didn't get to come home from hospital with a baby, and to then have to start dealing with gifts would just be terrible.

Also, I don't understand why you would give before the event. No one gives wedding presents before the wedding, for example.