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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

All that's left of my babies

35 replies

Squiff70 · 08/02/2019 22:38

Hi everyone. I'm sorry to see you all here, I really am.

On 5th January I was 19 weeks pregnant with twins and started bleeding. We went to hospital to be told they had no heartbeats. My waters broke early the next morning and they were delivered three hours later.

Last Thursday was their funeral and today we've been to pick up their ashes.

I can't get my head around this. a few very short weeks ago we found out we were having a boy and a girl. We'd decided on names for them and were planning their nursery. We had bought quite a lot of baby things. Now all that's left of our babies is a little carboard urn featuring a teddy bear and two cremation certificates. I have cried for them but not very much - when I cry I feel like my heart is going to break and now I feel like if I cry I won't ever stop.

Just how does one even begin to comprehend the death of their baby/ies? I don't understand. I'm bewildered, heartbroken and in a deep sense of dissociation.

OP posts:
bellasb · 08/02/2019 22:39

I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

Canshopwillshop · 08/02/2019 22:41

Heartbreaking. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son and daughter.

littlecabbage · 08/02/2019 22:41

I'm sorry that I cannot answer your question but I am so very sorry for your loss Flowers

ChesterGreySideboard · 08/02/2019 22:41

Oh my love. I didn’t want to read and run but I’ve got no answers.
I lost my only ever baby at 13 weeks. Not the same as 19 I know but I have a vague understanding.

It’s so hard, but you will get through this.

RJnomore1 · 08/02/2019 22:41

I have no idea but I wanted to check in to let you know I hear you and I feel your pain and I am here.

I'm sure it means nothing but I felt I needed to reach out.

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Squiff70 · 08/02/2019 22:46

Thank you so much for your replies. I'm only sorry you ladies/gents have been through similar harrowing experiences.

OP posts:
Welshmamma · 08/02/2019 22:56

So sorry for your loss. I had three miscarriages before I had my first child, one at 17 weeks. My second pregnancy was a twin pregancy but one of the babies died at around ten weeks, luckily i went on to have a beautiful healthy daughter.
It took me a long time to accept the loss of my babies, i used to sit and cuddle a teddy or baby grow i had bought and sob. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time xxx

ValentineFizz · 08/02/2019 22:59

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers

30birthdayholiday · 08/02/2019 22:59

I am so sorry to read this, there are no words to explain how sorry I am for your loss.

Wonder if making an item of jewellery containing a small amount of their ashes to keep close to you would be helpful at all? Xo

Greensleeves · 08/02/2019 22:59

It's not all that's left of them. There's also your love for them, and the fact that you'll always be a mum of twins Flowers

HalfBloodPrincess · 08/02/2019 23:01

I’m so so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine the heartbreak you’re going through.
What did you call them?

Astraj · 08/02/2019 23:38

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's heartbreaking.
I have lost 2 babies both at 23 weeks (2013 + 2014)
It was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure
Don't be afraid to cry, let it all out,
I hope you have a loving partner, best friend, and family that will help you heal from this, I found talking about about my babies helped me.
I found it got easier after the due dates had passed.
I know its impossible to believe that time heals at the moment when it's still so raw but I promise you will survive this.
Much love being sent to you Flowers

floofkitty · 08/02/2019 23:45

I wanted to reach out and say how much my heart hurts for you. We lost our baby girl at 22 weeks when my waters broke and everything seems so wrong with the registration and the funeral.

I have no answers and can only send my virtual hugs and weep with you. Be kind to yourself... Give yourself time to grieve... And talk...

mellongoose · 08/02/2019 23:56

Hi @Squiff70. The day after you, I delivered our little girl at 20+5. We'd had to terminate 2 days earlier owing to a diagnosis they gave us at our 20 week scan.

I didn't cry for a couple of days. Then I did. I find some days I just get really angry at the universe for the injustice of it all. There are feelings of failure. Then I cry again for my perfect little girl. The hole in my heart is huge and this circle of grief continues.

I'm lucky. I have a beautiful 4yo, a loving DH, understanding friends and family but I cannot get past it. I think you're still in shock. It's still really early days. Let your body feel what it needs to. There's no right or wrong. I'm thinking of youThanks

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 09/02/2019 00:00

Very sorry for the loss of your babies Flowers

mellongoose · 10/02/2019 05:30

How are you doing @Squiff70 ?

Original poster
Squiff70 · 10/02/2019 14:39

@Mellongoose, I'm so, so sorry that you're going through this too, albeit under slightly different circumstances.

I'm very run down and have a nasty chest infection. I'm on antibiotics and still feeling numb about everything that has happened. I know exactly what you mean about being angry due to the injustice of it all. It's cruel for a miscarriage to happen at any stage of pregnancy but I thought by 19 weeks my babies would be relatively okay. I didn't drink, I don't smoke or take drugs, I was careful what I ate. I don't know what went wrong and it's crucifying me.

If you want to talk please feel free to PM me x

OP posts:
Original poster
Squiff70 · 10/02/2019 14:41

To everyone else, my heart breaks for you that you've been through this too. I'm so so sorry that we've 'met' under these circumstances. It's just devastating. There are no other words to describe it.

OP posts:
Haworthia · 10/02/2019 14:44

So sorry for your terrible loss Flowers

Please contact Sands when you feel ready. I’ve heard they are a wonderful source of support: www.sands.org.uk

mellongoose · 12/02/2019 08:16

Hi @Squiff70 how are you feeling today?

I can now go for whole days without tears. However, when they come, I find myself at such a depth I wonder if I will ever climb out. But I do.

I'm older (42) so this was probably my last chance. I'm lucky to have DD but feel guilty she will be an only.

Your story touched me because of the timing, but also because I remember your posts around the 12 week mark. I cannot imagine the shock you must now be feeling. I wish peace for your heart and happiness for your soul. I'm here if you think I can help x

Original poster
Squiff70 · 15/02/2019 20:36

@Mellongoose - thank you for your reply.. Yesterday I woke up and just cried and cried. I feel a bit better for getting some of it out but still desperately sad.

Don't feel guilty for your little girl being an 'only' - she isn't in a way. I'm 36 (37 this year) and don't have any other children.

OP posts:
mellongoose · 24/02/2019 20:53

How are you @Squiff70 ? Thinking of you.

I am having better days now but today has been rubbish. I miss her.

Original poster
Squiff70 · 24/02/2019 21:20

@Mellongoose - still the same. Still reeling from shock and disbelief that this has happened and feel like I'm dreaming. We've had an assessment for bereavement counselling but the waiting list is 12 weeks long.

Of course you still miss her. I understand completely and I hear you totally. How are you physically?

OP posts:
Aibubabes2 · 24/02/2019 21:30

@Squiff70 I am just so sorry for your loss I really really am.

I lost our little boy in October last year at 16 weeks. Like you we had started to plan for his arrival, started to buy little things and think about names.

I'm not going to tell you that things get better, you will feel sad for a long time and I certainly have gone through (and still do) dissociation as you've said. But it does get easier. Right now you are still in shock and filled with hormones and nothing feels real.

I went through a range of emotions and for a long time held a lot of anger towards people. People who didn't reach out to comfort us, people who had their babies, people who said the wrong things, but in hindsight that was just me trying to deal with the emotions.

I found our funeral for our little boy totally detached and whilst I am pleased I have his ashes I am confident his spirit lives on and is just waiting to go into the body of any future baby we may be blessed with.

Give yourself time, embrace the days where you can smile and forgive yourself for the days when you need to cry. I've lost count of the hours I've spent staring at the floor lamp in our living room, and that's ok too. You've been through a trauma.

Here if you need anything, you are not alone x

Original poster
Squiff70 · 25/02/2019 11:44

@Aibubabes2 - thank you for your reply. I am so sorry to hear you lost your son too. It's so cruel, isn't it? Did you give your little boy a name?

I'm still going through a huge range of emotions and don't really know what to do with any of them. I do understand what you mean about dissociation - it's the brain's way of defending us from extreme stress from trauma but it's also a bit frustrating to feel 'foggy' because being in a bubble isn't always helpful to us.

If you want somebody to chat to who understands, please feel free to post here or PM me.

OP posts: