All that's left of my babies

[Squiff70]

Hi everyone. I'm sorry to see you all here, I really am.

On 5th January I was 19 weeks pregnant with twins and started bleeding. We went to hospital to be told they had no heartbeats. My waters broke early the next morning and they were delivered three hours later.

Last Thursday was their funeral and today we've been to pick up their ashes.

I can't get my head around this. a few very short weeks ago we found out we were having a boy and a girl. We'd decided on names for them and were planning their nursery. We had bought quite a lot of baby things. Now all that's left of our babies is a little carboard urn featuring a teddy bear and two cremation certificates. I have cried for them but not very much - when I cry I feel like my heart is going to break and now I feel like if I cry I won't ever stop.

Just how does one even begin to comprehend the death of their baby/ies? I don't understand. I'm bewildered, heartbroken and in a deep sense of dissociation.

Hi @Squiff70 and @Aibubabes2

I am back at work now but I've told them that my resilience is shot. Am easily irritated and upset. So far I have held it together ok.

I feel upset when I see pregnant women. It's not their fault of course and they're not pregnant with MY baby. I look at my tummy and think, I'm still supposed to be pregnant. Where is she? Did that really happen? Was I ever pregnant?

Life around me has returned to normal but I don't feel normal.

Love and energy to all who have been through this

@mellongoose

You're very brave to be back at work so soon. Do you think the distraction is helping or is it too much too soon?

I know exactly what you mean about looking at your tummy and wondering where your baby has gone. I do it too and I guess it's part of slowly (somehow) accepting what has happened. Did you give your daughter a name? Talk to me about her if you want to, either here or by PM. There are times when I want to talk about my son and daughter and there's nobody there to listen. I'm pissed off with Sands at the moment but I won't start a full-scale rant here. I'm just reluctant to contact them so have no sounding board left, if that makes sense.

20years ago I miscarried twins at 16 weeks. I know I held them after they were born but I can't remember. I only know I did because I have a photo. It's very weird and sad knowing but not remembering.
It changed me, my attitude, everything. But I was only 18 and thought my hole future was mapped out ahead of me only to have it stolen in the cruelest of ways. I didn't know how to deal with it and some times I didn't want too. It was easier to pretend it never happened. I didn't want sympathy, the concern from others as it made it real if that makes sense. After a few years I resented/stoped going to their grave as I felt in a good place and didn't want to be there and remember all heartache but found comfort looking through an album of their photos, birth certificates and cards from friends/family. The album wasn't as painful as going to the grave. Last year was the first in a few years that I felt I had to go. I couldn't understand why I felt so emotional but after id been and laid flowers down I felt so much better, more at peace with me and how I dealt with the years that had passed since I lost them.
It's taken years but I'm in a good place now. I have an amazing DP and we have the most amazing DD almost 5 now. They will never know or understand how instrumental they have been in helping me heal.
You never forget them, but time does make it easier and let other people help you.💐🤗

@Squiff70 we named her Lily. We thought it sounded peaceful.

When I held her she looked just like her big sister but with ash blonde eye brows. Same as her daddy as a baby. It means I have a pretty good idea of what she might have looked like growing up.

Her middle name is Wren. She will always be our littlest.

Being back at work is a distraction. I was in danger of becoming depressed. Most days go fine but if there is any extra home or work pressure I feel like I have no capacity to cope.

I'm feeling like it might be time to ask the hospital for her photos. They said I could anytime.

I feel for you @Squiff70. You are grieving two babies and have no answers as to why. I think I am processing more quickly because Lily was very poorly. In reality she was never going to be this energetic blonde toddler that I keep imagining.

Talk to me, @Squiff70. Tell me about your babies.

@Mellongoose - Lily is a beautiful name, as is Wren. I'm so glad you got to hold her and have that cuddle. Do ask for the photos. We have photos taken by the midwife who delivered our babies just after they were born. They put them on an SD card for us to look at when we were ready, and now I'm so glad we have them.

We'd got names planned for our son and daughter, but in the end we agreed we wanted to keep those names for any surviving children we may have in the future. We named our daughter Grace (like you, we thought it sounded peaceful as well as feminine), and our son Zach. We chose not to see them when they were born even though I desperately wanted to - we both wanted to prepare ourselves for that in our own time and it took three weeks in the end.

The first and only time we saw Grace and Zach was when they came back to the local hospital after being taken to a different hospital for post mortems. The night before we went to see them in the chapel of rest, we looked at the photos of them from the SD card so we knew what we were preparing ourselves for. Grace actually looked like me. She had very long fingers and big feet - not just like me but also my cousin. At the chapel of rest I took two photos of them in their little crib. It may sound distasteful but we figured they are our babies and if we wanted a photo of them, we would take one. I'm so glad I did now, those two photos are very precious to me and I look at them most days. It was hard to tell who Zach looked like because we could only see a part of his face (they were snuggled together in a crib but were wearing hats which obscured their faces), but I suspect he looked just like his dad!

My one regret is that I didn't get tohold either of them at any point. They asked me if I wanted to hold them when they were born but my partner didn't want to see them at that stage as I wasn't ready to either. We were still in shock and didn't know which way up we were.

Thank you so much for asking to hear about my babies. You're the first person to have asked. I haven't told anyone else anything about them as people have clammed up and don't know what to say to us at the moment.

If ever you want to talk about Lily, please just message me.

I’m so so sorry for your loss.. Big Hugs xx

Please try and contact the SANDs charity. My db and partner lost a baby girl at 22 wks due to a genetic problem. They received immediate support.

@umabb - thank you.

@Mumof1andacat - I did contact Sands and am really, REALLY pissed off with their reply, to the point where I can't even talk about it just now.

Thanks for sharing @Squiff70. Beautiful names. It's a privilege to hear about Grace and Zach. Your time with them remains a precious memory. Hold it close.

I don't know about you, but when I looked at her face it shocked me how much like us she looked. I don't really know what I was expecting but it made her seem real. She's ours. She belongs in our cave.

I'm here now and although I still get people asking how I am, everyone seems to have moved on. I have to remind myself that she was real. This really happened. Then I miss her all over again. I'm desperately sorry for anyone who has to go through it.

I haven't engaged with Sands. I'm lucky that I was able to access some bereavement therapy sessions through work. When I looked on the Sands forum I felt a bit overwhelmed by the disproportionately high loss of precious babies. It made me feel as though this happens to most people, when actually it's quite rare but not as rare as it should be.

Thinking of you @Squiff70

Weird bold occurrence - sorry!