We were TTC for almost 4 years, including 4 IVF attempts and on the 4th we fell pregnant.
Pretty textbook pregnancy despite some awful backache as time moved on which I didn’t worry about too much (any symptom is better than none!) and me having general anxiety because I couldn’t quite believe we had got pregnant.
Reached 15 weeks and started spotting, admitted into hospital and advised that my cervix was funnelling (incompetent cervix) Went into theatre two days later for cervical stitch but doctor couldn’t perform the surgery as I was bleeding too much. Advised to go home, bed rest, take progesterone and hope for the best.
Went home and the following day bleeding increased so returned to hospital, scan showed cervix was closed and baby still alive and well. Home to rest.
That evening, back and abdomen pains which eventually subsided before bed. Woke in the morning and started day 4 of bedrest. Will try to avoid too much detail but went to the toilet and delivered my baby who was still alive for a few moments. Fortunately DH and Mum were in the house, I refused to have the cord cut until the ambulance crew arrived holding out hope for a miracle.
Lying in hospital now 18 hours later waiting to go to theatre to have my placenta removed, couldn’t be done as an emergency yesterday although I’ve been gowned up since 6pm because there’s “less staff in theatre and they are more tired overnight”.
I’m lying here wondering how anybody ever gets through this. We held our perfect little boy in our arms yesterday and today I feel like my world has ended, I hate the fact the doctors refer to this as miscarriage. I hate the fact our boy won’t have a birth certificate. I hate that my mind is already starting to think about and become terrified about future pregnancies.
DH and I seem to have reversed our usual roles, he’s suddenly on the phone lots sharing our sad news with our close family whilst I just stare at the wall blankly.
Please, does this ever get any easier? Will the pain in my chest ever go?