Please or to access all these features

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Is this hell? (Difficult read)

43 replies

MrsK1087 · 19/10/2018 04:40

We were TTC for almost 4 years, including 4 IVF attempts and on the 4th we fell pregnant.

Pretty textbook pregnancy despite some awful backache as time moved on which I didn’t worry about too much (any symptom is better than none!) and me having general anxiety because I couldn’t quite believe we had got pregnant.

Reached 15 weeks and started spotting, admitted into hospital and advised that my cervix was funnelling (incompetent cervix) Went into theatre two days later for cervical stitch but doctor couldn’t perform the surgery as I was bleeding too much. Advised to go home, bed rest, take progesterone and hope for the best.

Went home and the following day bleeding increased so returned to hospital, scan showed cervix was closed and baby still alive and well. Home to rest.

That evening, back and abdomen pains which eventually subsided before bed. Woke in the morning and started day 4 of bedrest. Will try to avoid too much detail but went to the toilet and delivered my baby who was still alive for a few moments. Fortunately DH and Mum were in the house, I refused to have the cord cut until the ambulance crew arrived holding out hope for a miracle.

Lying in hospital now 18 hours later waiting to go to theatre to have my placenta removed, couldn’t be done as an emergency yesterday although I’ve been gowned up since 6pm because there’s “less staff in theatre and they are more tired overnight”.

I’m lying here wondering how anybody ever gets through this. We held our perfect little boy in our arms yesterday and today I feel like my world has ended, I hate the fact the doctors refer to this as miscarriage. I hate the fact our boy won’t have a birth certificate. I hate that my mind is already starting to think about and become terrified about future pregnancies.

DH and I seem to have reversed our usual roles, he’s suddenly on the phone lots sharing our sad news with our close family whilst I just stare at the wall blankly.

Please, does this ever get any easier? Will the pain in my chest ever go?

OP posts:
Freco010 · 19/10/2018 05:03

I’m so so sorry for your loss.

Rhynswynd · 19/10/2018 05:07

I am so sorry for your loss. The pain lessens with time but you are allowed to feel it. Let it come and grieve. Flowers

ReallyExhaustedLlama · 19/10/2018 05:13

So sorry to read your post MrsK and to hear you have lost your little boy.

It’s very raw right now, just take it a step at a time, you will get through this awful time and find ways to cope with this pain.

I’m just so sorry for your loss and what you’ve gone through. Flowers

sakura06 · 19/10/2018 05:20

So sorry for your loss. Thinking of you. 

rosieposey · 19/10/2018 05:27

I'm so so sorry. I think just concentrating on today, tomorrow and getting through the next few days as best you can is all I can advise.

I'm so sorry this happened to you both I really am.

Chrisinthemorning · 19/10/2018 05:27

I’m sorry Flowers
It’s difficult to know what to say. Does your little boy have a name?
I have had a couple of losses and had fertility treatment, it’s the hardest thing I have been through in my life so far. Time has helped.
Flowers

MrsK1087 · 19/10/2018 05:32

Thankyou for your supportive comments. I hope things get easier someday soon.

Yes, we named him Dylan. I had a feeling the whole way through it was a boy and that was always going to be his name.
x

OP posts:
LampHat · 19/10/2018 05:44

I’m so sorry for your loss. Dylan might not get a birth certificate but that doesn’t make him any less your son. You met him, held him and loved him. You are his mum.

You and your family will get through this together, and it will get better. Just take it one day at a time Flowers

GemmeFatale · 19/10/2018 06:14

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. It’s so bloody unfair.

mommybear1 · 19/10/2018 06:36

So so sorry for your loss OP thinking of you 

LittleMia · 19/10/2018 06:43

I am so sorry for your loss. You are Dylan's mama and no one can ever change that. Life is so bloody awful at times.

Sending you love and support at this very hardest of times xx

tenorladybeaker · 19/10/2018 06:49

So sorry for your loss. Your son was real and alive and you met him and it sucks that you won't get a birth certificate or death certificate.

My friend had a similar experience (though it happened in hospital not at home) and the local cemetery (which has a children and baby section) do allow parents in situations like this to bury their child there - it's not allowed to be called a funeral or be registered or have a grave stone, but my friend found it helpful and has a place to visit.

SandysMam · 19/10/2018 06:55

I am so so sorry. When you are going through hell, keep going. Just get through the next hour, then focus on the one after that Flowers

Disneydilemma · 19/10/2018 07:01

Oh I’m so sorry. That does sound like hell.
Thinking of you and Dylan x

allthatmalarkey · 19/10/2018 07:06

So sorry for your loss. I know some of what you're going through and I've had a night in hospital feeling desperate too after something different that went wrong. Concentrate on short term things for now if it helps, but you have every right to grieve 

allthatmalarkey · 19/10/2018 07:07

allthatmalarkey · 19/10/2018 07:07

It's not posting the flowers I'm trying to send.

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly · 19/10/2018 09:24

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. There is a company out there that do 'birth certificates' for the same price as a genuine one. It's obviously not a legal document the same way a real one would be, so I'm sorry if it was insensitive of me to suggest it, but if you're interested, I'll look for and post the link.

moonpeace · 19/10/2018 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch · 19/10/2018 16:39

So sorry OP

Mahogany50 · 19/10/2018 23:17

I'm so sorry for your loss MrsK

I don't know if this is any help, I recently had an ectopic pregnancy at 7 weeks. I was surprised that I was asked what I'd like to happen to my baby - which really shocked me as 'it' was so young and really still cells and I essentially assumed it would just be disposed of - I appreciate that sounds awful but please bare with me, and I guess no one really tells you this until you're in the situation.

I had to complete forms, offered to name 'it' (we didn't as we were very early on!), and decide what I'd like done. We chose a cremation and although we won't get any ashes etc we will get confirmation of when it took place. I know this won't replace a birth certificate, but if your local area offers this it's something to show your little son existed. They will be officially registered on our councils cremation register.

I'm not sure if this helps! Thinking of you xx

BWatchWatcher · 19/10/2018 23:23

I’m sorry. It does get better but yes, it’s a dark place.
Every day you will grow stronger and more able to cope.

mouthkisses · 19/10/2018 23:35

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've no direct experience but I imagine you never really 'get over' it you'll always be changed by the existence and loss of Dylan, but over time the grief will mellow and change.

Just every hour as it comes. There will be light ahead. X

Miami81 · 20/10/2018 10:03

I am so so sorry @MrsK1087 that you lost your beautiful Dylan. I hope you are getting support from the hospital. If not, there are loads of charities who help with memory making stuff. 4louis, simba, aching arms, remember my baby and loads of others. They do memory boxes that help with footprints etc and have small teddies (we kept one and one went with our dd).
We lost our dd last year at 27 weeks. It hurts every day but the hurt changes.
As others have said there are companies that do certificates and also who do tiny clothes if you want them.
Most hospitals now have a lot more compassionate options available for cremation etc. We actually spoke to the chaplain at our hospital who did a little naming ceremony and a certificate for us. We loved this as even though not religious it really helped us.
Please ask me anything that you want or DM me. You will be all over the place at the moment. The days and weeks to come are very scarey for you to think about but you can do them and you will do them for him and in his memory. All the best and take your time.

julygirl · 20/10/2018 15:43

I'm so sorry for your loss MrsK. Your little boy knew immense love for his whole life including the moments you spent holding him. It's so terribly sad and heartbreaking, make sure you take care of each other and be easy on yourself. You are not alone, we are all here whenever you need us, we understand your pain. Pleased keep in touch with the forum group. Sending so much love and support to you xx