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Do you ever really get over a miscarriage?
35

Zoo33 · 27/01/2018 22:42

I'm probably feeling overly sorry for myself, in which case please tell me to get a grip, but I was wondering if anyone ever really gets over a miscarriage? My relationship has broken down so I have no idea how long before I'll be ttc again, if ever, , but anytime anyone has a newborn anywhere near me, I end up a sobbing mess. Will it end?

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Believeitornot · 27/01/2018 22:45

Sorry for your loss, it is crap. But you will feel better one day.

With mine, I did. But I suspect it was because I had my dd within a year which helped massively.

For you it’s might be you're also mourning the loss of your relationship as well.

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bonzo77 · 27/01/2018 22:45

I’m sorry for your loss.

I guess it’s different for everyone. For me, no, I’ll never be over it. But it has got easier. I don’t think about it every day any more. It was over 6 years ago, and I’ve had 2 perfectly babies since.

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Oly5 · 27/01/2018 22:48

Yes I got over mine really quickly as I got pregnant with ds soon afterwards. I hope everything works out for you

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Knaffedoff · 27/01/2018 22:55

Hi zoo, sorry I can't tell you to get a grip, your feelings are valid and I am sorry for your loss.

I never got over my miscarriages, I just learned to live with them and am now able to look back with fondness remembering the good things, how I felt about being pregnant, how excited I was and celebrate the short time we had together. The losses taught me a lot about myself, about my friends and family. I subsequently had 2 kids but I will always be the mother of 4.

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WinteryWalk · 27/01/2018 22:57

I'm not sure that you do.

I had one in 2012 and while I don't think about it every day, there's still a feeling of loss and sadness for what might have been. I had one DC before and another one after, but I do still wonder who this little one was and remember them on what would have been their due date. They were only 6 weeks but they were very much loved and wanted nonetheless.

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INeedNewShoes · 27/01/2018 22:59

It will get a lot lot better with a bit of time.

Sorry you're going through this. I think you have to allow yourself to grieve and also understand that hormones are also playing a part in making it difficult to get on with day to day.

After about 3 weeks I was able to enjoy some things again but it took many months before a day would pass without me thinking about it.

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MaryPoppinsPenguins · 27/01/2018 23:00

I had 7... it was a dark time and I was very low. But I am completely over them all, I have 2 DD’s, and unless something pops up to remind me (a movie, a thread like this, someone with a similar experience) I don’t give it a second thought.

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Dozer · 27/01/2018 23:00

The loss of the relationship and uncertainty about the future is likely to make it much harder to deal with.

Flowers

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Rumpledfaceskin · 27/01/2018 23:03

I’ve definitely got over mine. I never think about it really and I only know one woman who hasn’t had one (out of my circle of family and friends) so as horrid as it is to experience I view it as just a fairly common part of a woman’s reproductive life. That’s not to say it doesn’t take time to heal. It probably took a year for me to be fully ‘over’ it. I couldn’t face looking at babies for a while and had to unfollow anyone having a baby on Facebook. You will start to heal in time op. I think talking about it with close people helped and also the miscarriage association forums. Flowers

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Zoo33 · 27/01/2018 23:05

Thanks guys. I think it is the loss of the relationship that's making it so much harder. It's 3 months since the miscarriage, although I've had problems (abnormal bleeding or some such medical crap) which has meant moving on from it has been even more difficult.

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Knaffedoff · 27/01/2018 23:22

Zoo, you have had it really hard. It took me months to function and I learned a lot about depression and the fragility of mental health. Three months may seem like a long time but you will feel better one day, don't rush into anything and be kind to yourself Flowers

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ArielleW · 28/01/2018 06:57

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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Accountant222 · 28/01/2018 07:27

My first was 35 years ago and I went on to have a great deal more, I learned to live with the loss and the fact I wouldn't have any more children. To this day I cannot listen to, I just called to say I love you, it sums up everything those children never knew.

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BluebellTheDonkey · 28/01/2018 07:48

You learn to live with it. It becomes less of a sharp pain and more of a dull ache over time. Thanks

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putputput · 28/01/2018 08:30

3months is such early days, I found the grief never went but you learn to live with it and it does get a lot easier
I still mark the 'due dates' of our miscarriages and we have a little tree in the garden planted for them. I find it helpful to acknowledge the grief and know it's perfectly normal to feel it.

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1sttimeunicorn · 28/01/2018 08:38

I had 3 losses before having my DS. It was horrendous. I will never forget that traumatic time in my life, especially now I am considering TTC number 2 and getting worried that I need to face up to at least a couple of losses before any success.
The majority of miscarriages are caused by genetic abnormalities so they are a matter of chance which is tough to take in. I had my third loss tested which proved a genetic issue, which was very hard but did give us some closure.
I truly believed I’d never have my DS, right up to the moment they placed him on my chest.
Sending you a hug - it’s so tough, and it takes time.

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Zoo33 · 28/01/2018 22:06

Thank you all for replying, it's good to know that time does heal, even if we don't always get over it. Sorry you all lived through that pain. For now I inflict my cuddles and empty arms on my 3 year old nephew. X

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Panoramarama · 29/01/2018 08:40

Hi OP, I'm sorry that you - and everyone here who this is relevant to - is going through this.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice, having had a MMC / surgical management two weeks ago but do have a question for others on here which I hope might benefit you too.

What are your coping strategies for when it all gets too much? Someone mentioned that 'sharp pain' of the loss. I can second that, the emotional pain feels physical right now. There are good days and bad days (today is a bad one) and I'm scared I might have a panic attack at work. Just don't know how to get on top of this. Please share advice if you have it!

OP - hope you don't mind me asking on your thread and that any replies are useful to you too Flowers

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TheCatsPaws · 30/01/2018 15:50

I don’t think so. I’m currently going through my second miscarriage, but fourth if you count CPs, in a year. It’s hell. I’m so sorry.

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Abetes · 30/01/2018 15:57

I’ve definitely got over mine. It probably helped that I already had dd and after the miscarriage I conceived ds. I never think about it now.

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RockingLobstering · 30/01/2018 16:01

No.
Had one before DD(now 3YO).
It plays on my mind a lot, even more so now I'm pregnant.
I still can't talk about it. This is the most I've posted about it.

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BertrandRussell · 30/01/2018 16:01

I've had 2, both very early. The first one was 23 years ago and has stayed with me but the second was much more recent but I can barely remember it. I honestly think it depends on what's happening in your life at the time. But whatever the circumstances, it really does get easier.

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Jigglytuff · 30/01/2018 16:04

I will always remember it but it's no longer raw. Be very kind to yourself - 3 months is very early. And be prepared for your EDD being a hard day Flowers

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AnneLovesGilbert · 30/01/2018 16:21

My heart goes out to everyone on here Flowers

@BluebellTheDonkey puts it so well, I've definitely found the type of pain has changed, the shock fades along with the stark memory of the physical pain and the ache has remained and possibly always will, but it's not every day, not every week, my anger and frustration has faded.

What people who haven't experienced it don't always get is the loss of so much more than the pregnancy - it's the hopes and dreams from the moment you know you're pregnant, the "I'm going to be a mum" feeling, your partner's happiness at the news, the plans and the expectations. If you got as far as hospital appointments it's going from "mum and dad to be" to sad lady who lost her baby and husband who wishes there was something he could do to help but there isn't.

I'm still in the bit where because of my losses I don't know if I'll ever get to be a Mum but my friends who've had a mc that was followed by a take a home baby have all said it got better when they had their child, though they haven't forgotten the loss. Which I realise doesn't help at all OP if you don't know when you'll be able to TTC again. I'm so so sorry for what you've been through. I don't find it hugely helpful either tbh but it is true that having had one loss doesn't mean you're likely to have another, and most people who have a mc go on to have a healthy pregnancy and a baby down the line.

I don't ever find myself crying over other people's babies. I don't know why but I don't really associate them with my loss (apart from one incredibly annoying woman at work who had the same due date as me for one of mine and made a massive deal of how unexpected it all was and how shit being pregnant was, and yes, she knew about two of my mcs!).

It's true that someone else's luck or fertility or baby don't mean your chance of having the same are diminished. The world doesn't have a finite number of babies to go around and someone else having one doesn't mean you won't. But we feel how we feel and you have to protect yourself from what hurts you at the moment. Avoid the newborns if you can!

Do you think your pain about your mc might also be tied up with the end of your relationship? If so then it's even more complicated and tough to get over. Please look after yourself.

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Zoo33 · 30/01/2018 19:44

I can't decide whether to book my EDD off or work and try to ignore it. It's not for a couple of months but my boss likes holiday to be approved early - maybe I'll book it off but warn her I might work...?

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