Just looking for a bit of support and shared experiences >.<

[SulkyPuddleDuck]

Hi all,

I was posting in the June 2018 babies thread until recently. Got a BFP on October 2, four days before AF was due. I was thrilled, as was DP. For some reason and despite everything appearing normal, I had a 'funny feeling' things weren't going to be OK. I am a bit of a worrier and a cup-half-empty sort so I tried not to worry too much, saw the GP who confirmed via 2 blood tests my HCG levels were rising nicely.

We went on holiday to Spain for a week mid-October with DP's family. He told his Mum and Stepdad who were really supportive and thrilled, though I haven't said anything to my own family as they've been very vocal about not wanting me to get pregnant 'any time soon' (I'm 27; it's none of their business, obviously - but I was planning to wait until a scan to tell them and avoid an unnecessary drama should something go wrong.)

Two days after we got back to the UK I had the tiniest bit of spotting, literally one smear of pink but panicked so saw the GP who referred me for an early scan. By that point I was 7 weeks exactly. The scan showed a totally empty sac, nothing more :( A rescan was booked as my HCG levels were still doubling and up to 19,000 and once again it showed empty. The on call doctor said we could schedule an ERPC providing there was one more follow up scan showing no further growth. I was absolutely devastated.

A week later we had the scan with another doctor (this time the consultant) who wanted to do ANOTHER one 'in case my dates were wrong.' By this point I was beside myself - suffering terrible morning sickness, getting what I perceive to be a 'bump' and falling apart every few days. I've just started a new job (am a teacher) and was really struggling to hold it together. When I said I just wanted it to be over I was sort of made to feel I was giving up on my baby and was I sure I was planning on keeping it - bear in mind at this point I'm 10 weeks 'pregnant' with an entirely empty sac measuring nearly 30mm :(

DP seemed to have come to terms with everything so quickly and the strain my misery was putting on our relationship was horrendous. Enormous rows caused by my up-and-down mood and what I perceived to be his insensitivity. Sex life out the window and no spotting, cramping or any sign anything was wrong. He's being lovely and supportive now and has been consistent in articulating he knows it's so different for me because of my body and hormones and that he can't help the fact that for him the grief was much shorter lived. Funnily enough yesterday before surgery he was very low and said it's really just hit him I'm not pregnant.

As suggested, finally had the ERPC yesterday. Feel very hollow and sad. I want to try again as soon as possible and I keep dreaming about holding my baby. I had a termination about a year ago (same partner, bad timing in our lives with no jobs or home - we've since bought a house and are much happier and ready.) In that Marie Stopes scan at 7 weeks I had seen a bean with a heartbeat. I went ahead with the termination but was devastated and regretted it for a long time afterwards. I feel like I'm being punished by some higher power (nominally an atheist..) Feel like the world has taken away my wanted pregnancy to serve me right for getting rid of the healthy one.

Bleeding and cramping a bit now.. Just feel awful. Physically I haven't felt sick for the first time in weeks this morning which sort of makes me feel guiltier. I just want my 'baby' back yet don't even feel that's justified since nothing ever grew beyond a sac.

Sorry for the long, pointless rant. I just want this so badly. I never wanted kids before DP but he's my soulmate - the urge to have a family with him is enormous and I so badly want a child to look after.. you know how it goes.

Any success stories TTC after 'blighted ovum' (I know it's not called that any more)? How soon afterwards?

I hate myself for killing my baby last year. I'm scared that was my 'one shot.'

I want to curl up in a ball :(

Oh love, how horrendous.
They say it's unlikely to happen again.

It's definitely not punishment, I know this for a fact. I believed it to be a punishment for all sorts of nonsense things, it's not, it's unexplained.

Have faith in your body, keep going.

My little rose Bush I planted in my garden on what would have been my due date is a lovely personal reminder.

Thank you so much. Sorry you had to go through this too - it's hideous. Planting a rose is a lovely idea.

It's funny, I feel like I don't have the 'right' to grieve or feel like I've lost a baby given that there was 'no baby' in the first place (or it was absorbed so early it never got past being a little blastocyst or something..) DP and MiL unwittingly really upset me by suggesting I should feel better that there was never a baby 'to die' - had to keep reminding him later that there's still a pregnancy which is why my body and hormones are so out of whack.

I think planting something might be a really nice reminder of 'what might have been,' regardless of what grew or didn't :/

I now have two children, so I think that it will be ok.

I too felt robbed, unreasonable for grieving for a baby that wasn't there.
I still had the hopes, excitement and love for my baby, feeling SO pregnant until it was over too.

The false hope of HCG levels rising, the waiting another week was very hard, torture in fact.

Just keep going x

I just wanted to send massive hugs. We lost our baby this year and I too felt like it was a punishment for something.
It’s taken counselling and time but I’m in a better place. We are going to plant a tree in the national forest next weekend in remembrance for her - I think the idea of something tangible being in the world is helpful for me.
Also a quote from the velveteen rabbit - I know it sounds a bit twee but essentially it is ‘once you become real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always’ I clung to that. It was real that I was pregnant. My dreams and hopes for the future were real. Just because the baby didn’t get here this time doesn’t mean those things aren’t worth grieving and don’t count.
Take some time to look after yourself. Xxx big hugs

So Sorry @sulkypuddleduck. Also here from June 2018. I'm sitting here in epu right now, for the 6th time in three weeks waiting for a doctor to sign off a 'plan'. :( my dp has been less than supportive. He just doesn't think it's an issue and has left it all for me to work out and decide what's best to do... It's such a lonely process. And I have no clue what to do for the best. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, please be kind to yourself, it sounds like you've been through enough. After my first MC earlier this year (didn't get as far as this one) I bought a beautiful painting by a local artist. It's a heart with wings. I saw it on the day my MC happened and thought it was perfect.
I hope you're recovering from yesterday. Sending a virtual hug.

@SulkyPuddleDuck I’m so sorry. I’m here from the June 2018 thread as well. I have no words of wisdom as it’s just so unfair. I don’t know exactly how you feel as I saw a heartbeat before the baby died but I don’t think the lack of embryo changes the fact that you were pregnant and should be able to grieve for a lost baby. Don’t listen to anyone who says otherwise. I’ve got a scan tomorrow to check that my missed miscarriage has completed and I’m scared. But we’re hear for you to rant and rage. Xx

Sorry to read that @Zoo33

@UnicornDust17 I’m so sorry you’re here too! Hopefully your DP is just leaving it to you because he doesn’t know how to help? Xx

i think that may be part of it, and he also just doesn't get it or have any clue what needs to happen, which is fair enough.

@SulkyPuddleDuck your other post didn't come up on my phone ealier, but I think you have every right to grieve and feel exactly how you want too. Tommy's have a helpline as does the miscarriage association, I don't know if that's your sort of thing, or if its helps.

Thank you so much, guys. Zoo and Unicorn I remember you both of course! I'd been wondering how you guys were getting on, am I right in thinking Unicorn that you had a similar situation to me? I'm so sorry the EPU is taking so long... I found the three-ish weeks of waiting while kind of knowing all hope was lost to be pretty unbearable.

It's so up-and-down at the moment isn't it? Ergh. I want to get back to TTC asap but DP wants to wait a couple of months until we're more financially secure which I understand, it's just hard. Hopefully it'll calm down once the hormones have left my body.

I think the picture sounds lovely.

KTD thank you for your kind words

Hi op - I feel like I am in exact same position as you - 27 yrs old, early natural miscarriage 2 sept, fell pregnant straight away - bfp 2nd October, booked in for early scan at 7 weeks and saw empty sac, repeat scan two weeks later and no change so had erpc on Monday. Very empty feeling want to try ttc again soon however going to wait until first period again. Sending hugs xx

Hi @UnicornDust17 How did your appointment at the EPU go yesterday? Did they finally give you a plan?

Having had medical management 2 weeks ago, I’m now booked in for an MVA next week as apparently my miscarriage is incomplete. It really sucks.

@SulkyPuddleDuck I hope you’re okay. Xx

We had a mc due to a blighted ovum in may, kept trying, no positive results or "negative results" until we were successful in October (now 8wks pregnant and baby has a heartbeat). Don't lose hope.

@sulkypuddleduck yes, similar situation sadly . I also have no one to talk to really, I didn't tell anyone except my sister but she never had kids so she doesn't really understood.

epu said I can wait a bit longer then go in for medical management next week.

@zoo33 oh no, sorry to hear that. The midwife warned me there's a 50-70% chances it'll work, if not I'll have to go in for surgery too. The consultant I saw said surgery would be tricky as I have an abnormal shaped uterus. How are you feeling about it?

@UnicornDust17 Not quite sure how I feel really - sad, scared, partly relieved, impatient... I hadn’t realised the odds of it not being completely successful were so high!

If I’m unfortunate enough to have to go through this again I think I’ll go straight for surgery. It’s the faffing around and being in limbo I’m finding so hard. I hope you’re doing okay - the waiting must be really tough. Fingers crossed the medical management works if surgery will be tricky for you. Xx

Argh Zoo I'm so sorry to hear that - it's a distressing enough time without things being drawn out >.< Sending a massive hug.

Unicorn I know how lonely it feels. I was saying to DP last night I'd love to speak to another woman properly (with a lot of gin) and be able to rant without having to moderate my feelings or having to minimise things. And then I wonder if I would just feel lonely anyway, as that's sort of the nature of grief?

Windy Aw man, it's shite isn't it? Your dates and story are spookily similar to mine. I'm glad the procedure was relatively straightforward for you. In hindsight I'm grateful I was out cold for the whole thing.

I wasn't given the option of medical management or waiting it out vs ERPC this time around.. the consultant was concerned at my hormone levels and the fact they were still rising considerably (nearly 100,000 by the time I'd had the final scan) and wanted to do the surgical procedure just in case it was molar, despite seeing nothing in the sac. Actually having said that, at the second scan she said she could see 'broken up debris' which was horrid to hear, but by the third it was empty again. She seemed to think it was really unusual to have HCG levels rising as normal in a blighted ovum case - from my research (albeit not professional!) it doesn't seem that unusual but hey ho.

Still feel sore and crampy. My cervix/uterus feel sort of 'raw' if that makes sense? Lying in bed now with a coffee, DP at work. I've tried to send him off to London to see friends this weekend as I feel the poor sod deserves some fun and a break from my rollercoaster emotions. Bought him a ticket so hopefully he'll take me up on it and maybe I'll also get some processing time without feeling bad for being a mopey cow.

Captain I'm so sorry you had to go through this but so pleased you're now pregnant again. Wishing you the best of luck and thank you for the bit of hope :)

I should have been on the May 2018 thread but hadn’t signed up. Had surgical management for mmc two weeks ago the day after my 12 week scan showed an 8 week bean with no heartbeat (8 week scan had showed exactly the same size but happy heartbeat - poor little thing must have died a day or so after).

Feeling lonely right now too. I started my own thread on here but couldn’t even get company on that!

Oh @ditzzy I'm so sorry to hear that. It's just such a horrible time all round. Chat away on here. X

@sulkypuddleduck my hgc is still rising too. How can a body be so cruel.

@SulkyPuddleDuck @UnicornDust17 This might be a really dim question (I’m full of them at work today, don’t think my brain is working), but how do you know your hgc levels are rising? Are you having blood tests?

@ditzzy I’m so sorry for your loss and for your thread being ignored! We’re here so please talk to us. I think all I do is moan on here at the moment, it’s so nice having an outlet as my bf is wonderful but he really doesn’t understand. Xx

Thanks girls, I’m just feeling a bit pathetic having been completely seemingly back to normal until last nights conversation with dp that was meant to be discussing being sensible and waiting until next month before trying again but turned into him saying he didn’t want to at all. I’m sure he’ll think my (continuous since he said it) tears are just to make him feel guilty and change his mind, but I just now can’t get my head around the mmc because I had rationalised it away as a delay in our baby arriving and not a complete loss.

I’m sorry you girls are all going through this too, hoping you all at least get over the physical side so can start on the emotional healing too xx

@zoo33 yes, everytime I go for a scan at epu they check blood. So I've had 6 bloods done over 3 weeks. Don't feel like you're moaning, I don't think you are, but you know what. I think all of us have every right to moan anyway.

@ditzzy try not to feel like that. I go between crazy lady crying and being angry at how shit my own body is.

I had my first MC at 5 weeks at the beginning of this year. My due date should have been 5th Nov, so I feel my body is even more cruel putting me through this around this date.

ditzzy you're definitely not alone here - we're in the boat with you. I feel like I've just gained membership to a sad club - certainly taken away my naivety. I'm so worried about next time already!

@UnicornDust17 I haven’t had bloods taken other than just before the medical / surgical management which I assume isn’t to test hormone levels. But I’m so with you on the crazy lady crying! 😕

I'm so sorry for your loss and can't really offer much support other than knowing how you feel. I had a mmc in July at 12 weeks and I never knew how lonely it makes you. My husband planted a tree in our garden which means the world to us. It's not got any easier for me in 5 months but it is good to be able to talk to other people who have been where I am and come out the other side with beautiful children. X

@Kej13 That’s a beautiful tree. X