Missed miscarriage at 12.5 weeks, feeling empty and heartbroken

[eatingthoughts]

Hello to all mums out there, just need some advise and good words.
We had our first scan yesterday and it revealed that the baby has died at 9 weeks and i was supposed to be 13 weeks today. I didn't have any bleeding, nothing, my breasts are still sore and i can still feel all the other symptoms. For 4 weeks my body couldn't realise there's something wrong going and i think it's so cruel i have no words to describe it. My husband is really my rock and is so supportive i don't know what would i do without him. I don't know if someone could help me and answer few questions for me.
What option did you choose, medicated or surgical? I'm thinking about the surgical option but I'm scared of ga.
How long did it take you to get pregnant again and was it successful pregnancy to term?
We already have a 3 year old that's why it's so hard to believe it's all happening, she's my world, the smartest girl I've ever known.
I'm sending my love and strong healthy baby dusts to all mommies who are going through the same pain, i know how raw and devastating it is, we need to stay strong somehow ❤

I had the same. Passed the foetus naturally. It was very painful (a mini labour basically) so get decent pain relief and you need to think about what you will do with it when it comes out. It's easy to panic and flush but then regret it ( I speak for myself). It's ok to keep it to bury if you want. Sorry to be graphic but I wish someone had told me it was ok to keep it to bury in the garden or something like that. It's a terrible thing to happen, I'm so sorry. Be kind to yourself as you come to terms with your loss. X

In answer to your other question I got pregnant again within three months and have a lovely 10 year old to show for it xxx Miscarriage is common and doesn't in itself mean you will have problems conceiving so try not to worry x

Has anyone got experience of getting pregnant again when their miscarriage was a result of ivf?
I’ve just had a missed miscarriage at 12’weeks - baby stopped growing at ten weeks.
I’ve read a lot that many people got pregnant easily after miscarriage but I can’t help that I won’t be one of those lucky ones.
I have secondary infertility with no obvious cause and had been trying for 3yrs to conceive. This was my first cycle of ivf but my last embryo (the other two resulted in bfn)
I would be so grateful to hear positive stories.
The general anaesthetic (I am an anaesthetist) is totally fine for an Erpc and very straightforward so try not to worry about it. You are in good hands.
X

Dear God i didn't realise how many of you lovely strong ladies will respond to this thread. I don't know what to say other than thank you all for your kind encouraging words. I do feel for you all and i am so happy that lots of you have had good healthy outcomes 🙂 It does give me hope that everything will be ok and hopefully soon we'll have a healthy bubs. I kind of should be happy as i already have my gorgeous toddler, but i was hoping , so so hoping for this cute little sibling for her.. It will pass and it will heal, just have to stay strong for tomorrow as i think things will start moving as i will be given the first tablet to induce the miscarriage. I'm so scared, the weird thing is I'm not scared of physical pain, it's just the fear of 'if everything will be ok afterwards'. Thank you all, you all guys are such a brave support honestly 🌹🌹🌹

Thank you for your kindness eatingthoughts. Cry as much as you need to. It is so painful but it does get easier with time. I still think of my miscarriage often and will never forget it. Keep strong and take it one day at a time.

How are you today OP? We are here if you need a hand hold.

I'm numb i think, husband is walking after me and keep asking if I'm ok, i know he knows I'm not but i think he just doesn't know what to say. He's in pain as well i know that, he wanted bubs so badly, we already have one girl as i mentioned before, but he's like a dada bear, a very family person and a very good and sensitive man, but coping better i think. I rang the hospital this morning and I'm going there this afternoon. They'll give me the papers and i will have to go in tomorrow morning to deliver my tiny baby. My husband wants to be there, but we don't know what to do with our girl, have to find a babysitter for her tomorrow. I want it to end, i didn't have any normal sleep since Friday. At least i won't have to go to work this week, next week i might go as i want to keep myself busy. Thank you for asking Talith, you were going though the same horrible thing, bless you heart, i know and feel your pain 🌹

I was the same and wanted to keep busy afterwards - and no doubt a hefty dose of denial was in the mix - but take it slow on your return to work - I found that I'd become tearful unexpectedly for a while. Or if you do go back try to keep things as low key as possible so aren't put under an ounce more pressure than you're already under.

Numb is normal - there's no right or wrong way to feel and sometimes I think our brains haven't a clue how to process something like this. I remember the primary feeling (once I began to feel) was sadness. Sad is such a small word but that feeling of sadness just engulfed us.

Are you having the surgical option at the hospital? Or taking the medication there before going home?

Sadness is a small word indeed, it's just emptiness and darkness isn't, we've lost our babies, it's pure pain nothing else. I'm going today to talk about the procedure but i already know what will happen. I had an option to go and take tablets oraly and deliver the baby at home but I will go in tomorrow morning and they will give me vaginal tablets that induce contractions. She said by afternoon i should pass the placenta and everything. And my baby. I want to see the baby and i want to hold it for a bit, that might not be for everyone but i want to say goodbye, that is why i choose the medicated option. I had an option to do this at home, but i want to be in the hospital, so they could confirm that everything came out. Are you trying for another one soon Talith?

I've just left the hospital, going there again tomorrow morning to start the process and stay there until the 'products' comes out. They actually gave me the last scan, i saw my blob and I've got 2 pictures. What a perfect blob, 2 arms and 2 legs, little head and round tummy.. All like a little ball so curled up.. Couldn't stop crying when talking to the doctor and her voice was shaking, bless her. They see so much pain everyday. My husband will have to stay with our girl as we've got no babysitter. We'll see how it goes, they might come to stay for a bit. The nurse told me that the sac is already braking down. The bloody sac was so big and the baby only 7 cm at 9 weeks. It couldn't stop growing that's why i didn't know anything and still feel pregnant today. I don't know if anyone's reading but i thought I'd let you know that everything is coming to an end.

I'm here and listening. Rest. Remember your little one was with you for the whole of his or whole life and may have passed away but was surrounded by you the whole time, enclosed in your warmth and nurturing love. No mother could have done more.

I went on to have a second two years and four months later so I'm not trying for any more - youngest is nearly 8 now and like I said eldest, who I conceived soon after the miscarriage is 10, Such a heartbreaking time but happiness in the years since has tempered it.

I think of the lost baby frequently and talk to my kids about it - we have a yellow rose in the garden. It wasn't possible to determine the sex but I saw the sac - the baby would have been inside but I wasn't able to peek - I panicked unfortunately. I'm glad you're taking some time to think about what you want to do when you meet the tiny wee thing and so you can say your goodbyes as you want. Screw what anyone might think - I wish I'd taken more time to spend with my lost tiny baby. Do what feels right. Sending hugs x

Thank you Talith. The baby was so curled up i can't stop thinking he/she might have been in pain. Somehow feel like a failure i don't know why, although i already carried one baby to term. The nurse told me there's
nothing i did wrong, it's just the very cruel mother nature, hopefully she's right and this miscarriage was first and the very last. I'm so pleased for your happy endings, kids are really the real happiness aren't they. I think in your situation is understandable as not every person is ready to see a tiny baby who's not carried to term. Some people find it disturbing. I think we'll frame the picture, as he/she is our child as well. If I'll have the chance i want to see my baby as that will give me a better closure. We'll ttc asap as i just want to move on and not to get too atached to the situation we're in now. It's easy done. But we have to move on and look forward on having a healthy pregnancy, hugs back to you 🌹

I think it's lovely that you have the scan picture. Do you know, it didn't even occur to me to ask for a picture; I don't think I even looked at the screen

It is cruel mother nature. A friend said to me after my MMC, which I found helpful but I don't know whether to say in case it sounds harsh, is that my MC pregnancy was never meant to be and that something wasn't adding up to make a healthy baby. Better to lose the pregnancy early(ish) on than later down the line.

The most significant brain development/growth apparently happens later in pregnancy so my hunch is that the baby feels very little at all in these early weeks.

Hi INeedNewShoes probably you haven't thought about it during the scan, the nurse asked me if i have any previous pictures of my blob and i said no and asked if she could give me one, so she gave me 2. My husband keeps repeating the same, that maybe it's for the better as obviously something wasn't right with the chromosomes, but there could many things that caused it. I'm trying to think that it's only for the better and that maybe after this horrible time we'll have something beautiful. I think that these losses help us see things differently and appreciate everything that we already have a lot more, beautiful kids that we have, and just think about the future differently. A quite harsh way to get that appreciation but it does make you see all of it in a totally different perspective doesn't. 🌹

I'm awake since 4 am. Still feeling pregnant 5 weeks after my blob stopped growing. The nature is so so cruel and disgusting sometimes. We're going in there in few hours. For those reading all my moans say a prayer for me if you can, so i would pass everything and wouldn't have to go back to the hospital. I hate hospitals, although I'm studying to be a doctor one day, so i won't be able to avoid the hospitals completely, therefore that probably will take me there in a different manner. Love to you all and thank you again for your support 🌹

I am one of the people who didn't derive any comfort from being told "it's for the best" or"its nature's way"... Made me angry that anyone could think there was any kind of silver lining or positive to a situation which felt so dreadful. I agree nature is cruel at times. Its a difficult sad painful thing to go through. You sound like you are coping so strongly. So hard with a little one to be mummy for too. She's lucky to have you.

I hope the baby passes quickly and that you are as comfortable as you can be. One step at a time x

Hi eating thoughts just read your updates. So sorry for what you are going through. Good that you have the photos of your little one. I couldn't even look at the screen when I was scanned, I regret that now. Sending you lots of strength will be thinking of you.

I had a mmc 4 years ago. My 12 week scan was fine, then at my 16 week checkup the midwife couldn’t find a heartbeat.
I was heartbroken and found it so cruel. It does get better with time, although I still think of that baby often.

I got pregnant 5 months later and now have a lovely but poorly 3 yr old sitting next to me now.

Xxx

Norma27 I'm sorry for your loss, thank God you have a healthy baby now, that's all that matters isn't 🌷
So i had my medical management yesterday and it didn't work. I passed lots if big clots and blood but my blob didn't come out. We've left the hospital in the evening after spending 12 hours in there. The staff were absolutely brilliant, lots of support and sandwiches, tea and biscuits. I'm going for a scan on Friday if nothing happens by then, and then will have erpc on Monday if there won't be any progress at all. I'm so tired physically and emotionally i just want to start healing and move on.. My body is successfully failing me and i don't know how to cope. I was even thinking about going on antidepressants as i don't think I'll be able to be fully myself after all this. Don't even want to think about Monday as I'm shit scared of GA like i mentioned before and i just feel traumatized.

I’m so sorry, what an incredibly difficult time. I’m also sorry to hear that yesterday didn’t go as planned too, even more emotionally draining at an already horrifically difficult time.

I just wanted to send you a message of support from the other side of this... I had the same a few years ago (12 week scan showed baby died at 6 weeks) and I felt all these feelings you describe. So so cruel. I opted for the surgical procedure. It was absolutely fine and I woke from the GA feeling like I’d had a lovely rest. I bled lightly for a week or so, had one period and conceived my beautiful DD the following month. It honestly was ok physically, obviously the emotional recovery is a different story. I was an anxious nervous wreck throughout the next pregnancy of course but we got there.

Unfortunately I have had another miscarriage this year at 9 weeks, and again conceived the following month. I am now 19 weeks pregnant. The midwife told me that studies have shown that you have a higher chance of a successful pregnancy 6 months after a loss. I held on to this in my darker moments.

No one would know from the outside looking in to my family that we had been through these horrendously sad times, but we survived and although I am still sad when I think about it it doesn’t hurt me so acutely as it did in the beginning. Be very kind to yourself and do whatever you need to get through it. It will get easier to bear, I promise

itsgoingtoofast thank you for your lovely words. I'm sorry for your losses you poor thing 🌷I wish i could turn back time and opt for erpc as i had a chance to have it on Wednesday but now it's too late. Although is still want to see my blob and say goodbye i have a feeling there's not much to see now and i just want it to be over. My husband is really so strong and supportive i couldn't go through it without him. He's so positive about the future pregnancy i wish i could be like him but like you said i think I'll be worrying all the time and won't be able to relax until the bubs will be in my arms. I think all of us who experienced this kind of pain are all the same. Terrified and anxious about successful future pregnacies. We want to try asap but thinking that I'm still going through the bloody process makes me think it won't happen very soon, bloody horrible beautiful and weird nature....

I know, one step at a time though try not to think too far ahead. It’s important to take time to grieve now and you’ll know when the time is right. I thought at the time I would never be able to do it again but I have. 3 more times. The pain is so intense, but the pay off is so great if it works out that you may find you are ready sooner than you think. Or not. It’s so personal.

But you can be hopeful happier days will come, i’m sure that they will.

Take care

Oh and there is a thread for ladies pregnant after miscarriage here. A lifesaver for those of us who find it a terrifying time. There is support

I'm so sorry things didn't go smoothly today. Just harrowing for you xxx rest up. It's so hard for you. You are coping with it really courageously.

I’m so sorry things didn’t go to plan.
When I had my mmc it took me 24 hrs of labour to get the baby out. The placenta then wouldn’t come away so eventually I had to have surgery. For some reason they decided against GA last minute and tbh I have been pretty traumatised by it since. I would definitely have opted for GA. I then needed blood transfusions because of massive blood loss throughout.

I had decided not to see the baby. I still think that was the right decision for me although I’m crying now writing that!
However, we get through it and time really does heal a lot of the wounds. I really hope all goes well for you.

Look after yourself after. Don’t rush back to work etc. I didn’t go on anti depressants but if you do feel you need them then talk to a doctor. Xxx