My wife had a miscarriage last year. How long should I have been allowed off work?

[RPP1]

We lost our baby at 12 weeks. With no prior warning signs the baby was found not to have a heartbeat at the routine ultrasound. A drawn out afternoon at the hospital waiting for medication, then a pretty traumatic evening followed. It was my wife's first pregnancy.

For me there was of course the trauma of losing our baby and everything that entails, but also a terrible feeling of helplessness as I held my wife's hand as she sat on the toilet crying in agony. It was undoubtedly the worst thing we've ever experienced as couple.

My wife's work were great, but mine, perhaps not so much. I took the next day off and explained why, but before the working day was over, less than 24 hours from our returning from the hospital, my boss was chasing my workload via text message. It was decorated in nice language but it put me in a position where I felt I needed to return to get it finished. I was deeply upset and perhaps not thinking rationally. The next day, technically of my own volition, I went back in.

I later (politely) challenged my boss about this and she became very agitated, telling me it was just one line in a text msg and therefore not important.

I'd be interested to know what the opinion of people on this forum. Is it acceptable for a partner to be contacted by their work so soon? If your boss is asking you to tell them what's on your urgent to do list, rather than requesting you come back to work, does that make it okay? I was part-time & entry level..but perhaps it doesn't matter what position you are.

What do you guys think?

Many thanks

Rob

If it happened last year why the issue over time off now?

When you "took the next day off" when did you say you would be back at work? Did you take it as annual leave?

Did your boss do as you describe and ask what was on your urgent to-do list? If so it sounds like they were trying to get you covered without anything important being missed.

I don't think there is a fixed time, it usually worked out through discussion between the employee and the manager.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Does your work have a compassionate leave policy? Mine does (think it's up to 5 days). This would be covered under that.

It does depend on your work policies but for what it's worth I think your manager is wrong. Even if there is no official leave policy that covers you in these circumstances, I'm gobsmacked at the lack of compassion.

Yes, it's historic. There's no current 'issue' now. But for whatever reason it would be interesting to know the opinion of other people with experience of miscarriage. I wish I'd asked at the time.

My challenging by boss was part of a series of events that led to my losing my job a few months later.

Firstly, I'm very sorry you lost your baby. I think as a society we routinely underestimate how devastating a loss can be for the woman, and her partner rarely even gets his feelings considered. Your right to time off would come under 'time off for dependents' and you are allowed 'reasonable time off in an emergency' without what is reasonable actually being defined. I think it does matter whether your boss contacted you with a view to re-shuffling your workload to other colleagues or guilt tripping you into going back. By going back in you did rather imply that you were fit to work and the emergency had passed. I've had 4 miscarriages and as soon as the grim physical bit was done I preferred to be in work and busy, but I know friends have needed longer and felt fragile for several weeks. It's underestimated how traumatic it can be

Your boss was so wrong to put pressure on you by text the next day.

I'm sorry that you lost the baby. I was like Milo. I preferred to keep things as normal as possible. I needed a day and a half off to deal with the physical side but that was it. In fact, I miscarried on a Thursday and on the Sunday flew to the US for work for two weeks. I think my husband stayed home with me in the day I was miscarrying but that was it. Neither of us felt we needed or wanted more. I don't think your boss was particularly unreasonable to send a text with compassionate language when she did. I also think you should have been able to say you didn't feel ready for work yet and that should have been fine.

Thanks for your replies everyone.

I just took the day off - I didn't specify what kind of day i wanted. I think it was later recorded as a sick day. I thought I would have the opportunity to wake up the day after that and see how I - and my wife -were feeling and then decide if I was ready to return to work.

Hmm...was my boss asking after my urgent to do list for my benefit? I've tried to look at it objectively but I'm afraid I don't believe she was. When I'd taken sick days in the past she'd never seen reason to contact me. I was in the middle of a non-typical piece of 'urgent' work which had been assigned to me out of the blue and which I had very little control over - my boss will have been aware of the deadline. It's hard to explain without giving a lengthy history of my job and work environment, but the nature of the work was such that it would've been hard for me to tell her at a distance where i was up to, what needed doing etc. I believe she would've known this as well.

The issue for me is whether a part-time, entry level position should have such an urgent to-do-list in the first place. I'd argue no they shouldn't, at least not so urgent that they can't even have 24 hours following such a traumatic event.

But perhaps I'm being over-sensitive. As before, I'd be interested to know peoples' opinion. I appreciate though, that this, is not a employee's rights thread.

Thanks again

Rob

I don't know the legal angle but from what you've posted is it possible for your boss to have texted to check if anything needed managing on your list rather than to pressure you to return. It could be that she anticipated you'd be off longer than 24 hrs so was mentally prepping for this eventuality.

I'm sorry for your loss too. It can take time to move on and effect other areas of life. I had a series of miscarriages. DH attended one of the scans with me (1hr off work) but had no leave for the others, he's a teacher no flexible leave.

My partner came home early. I think he went back to work the next day. I don't think we would have had an issue with a text asking if there was anything urgent to be done in his absence. We are freelance so always keep our clients informed if we have to take time off urgently,

You sound like a great partner Rob. Hope you and DW are recovering and wishing you good luck in your next pregnancy.
Your boss was heavy handed and intrusive.

Again, thanks for your replies everyone. A variety of opinions, all valid.

It seems the wider context may determine whether my being contacted was appropriate or not. The 'project' which I was assigned was possibly the most complicated our organisation was dealing with. It was poorly planned, lacked leadership, and relentless in the problems it through up. For the previous 2 years I'd repeatedly flagged up how the project was going badly, how I was struggling to cope, and how it was stressing me out. I had been ignored throughout and felt that the urgent piece of work occurring at the time of my wife's miscarriage could have been avoided if only someone had taken some action earlier. From my POV, to not even be allowed 24 hours, in the most difficult of circumstances, before having to think about this project....well it just tipped me over the edge.

....but perhaps I was wrong to feel that way.......

So sorry for the loss

I've had lots of miscarriages but only three later until he first trimester (others were much earlier so less traumatic and less pain and clinical interference / effects of the loss)

My husband didn't take time off however I think it was mainly due to the timings and he wasn't on shift - where I work now husbands could ask for 'emergency days' which is unforeseen circumstances and very close family bereavement etc. In this situation I wouldn't hesitate to allow a husband to use one or two emergency days.

Unfortunately the husbands are often the forgotten, but it's actually hard emotionally on many aspects and importantly that you perhaps would like to be supportive as your most treasured person is going through the most awful of events which you have no control over or ability to help in, except be there. Personally I think it's
Also important from a clinical perspective as when losing the 'tissue' (for want of a better word) it involves detachment from the uterus and blood supply which can have complications and a woman may need medical assistance

My personal thoughts are that whatever the project, it should have been put on hold so you had time to grieve and console as well as nurse your wife through this trauma, both physical and mental

I hope you've found a better job and perhaps had some happy news on the pregnancy front

For my first 4 miscarriages back in the 90s my husband took a holiday day. It was before unpaid leave for dependents and he wasn't sick, though his Director sent me a bunch of flowers each time.
I'm sure these days it is handled more sensitively and you are not unreasonable to feel that it was not handled well by your ex-employer at the time, but it does sound like one of many gripes you built up into a general feeling of negativity/stress in that role. I hope you are happier in your new job.

One of the most frustrating things with miscarriage is the 'why?' The unanswered questions the what if I hadn't had that sip of wine before I knew, what if I hadn't pushed the shopping trolley, what if I hadn't got stressed about things.

I've seen many couples go through a bit of a rough time in the aftermath, including myself and DH.

There can be a desire to resolve emotion conjured by 'why' into other directions and feel annoyance at things we'd possibly handle in a different way at a different emotional point.

Its not wrong to have felt angry that you were drawn back into thinking about the project when you wanted to be focusing on your wife. But maybe at the same time, it isn't actually something that can be productively pursued to improve things for other staff if you've left the company.

Would you ever consider seeing your GP about a talking therapy to help you process some of this?

A colleague of mine recently had a death in the family and sent text over weekend to say they wouldn't be coming in on Monday. By the end of Monday we hadn't heard anything about the rest of the week. I really had no choice but to contact him because he had client meetings for the rest of the week. I didn't want to cancel his meetings without permission but I couldn't just let them take place and nobody show.
He didn't reply until Wednesday but I then had a sign that I had to act on his calendar.
I felt inappropriate sending the email but it is our company policy that you communicate or someone communicates when you can't come in. If nobody had acted on the appointments, one of us could have been disciplined or even fired.
It must have been an extremely difficult time for you and no one needs work pressure at times like that. There should have been better processes in place for emergencies like this so a handover wouldn't have been necessary. That maybe was a company problem, not just your line managers problem. It also woulld have taken just a few lines to communicate your situation more clearly: due to a serious family incident i will be out of the office until xyz. Bob from x has information about abc. I have x days holiday, should I be ineligible for compassionate leave. I am happy to discuss this with HR when I return. Until then I will set my out of office reply .

Of course that is easier said in hindsight.

I hope you can find a way to put this all behind you. Nothing can be changed now so I would focus on looking forward to the future and forgive those who may have hurt you for your own benefit.

I don't think my DH took any more than two half-days off.

I had an afternoon scan, overnight ERPC, and was discharged the following morning. DH returned to work in the afternoon. I didn't need or want him at home. I was also 12 weeks.

My dh was off work anyway the day I lost one of our twins at 12 weeks but he went to work the following day .

My husband didn't return to work after my scan when we lost the first, that was the only time off dh was allowed off in six miscarriages. This was with a top four accountancy firm. They also allowed no time off when our 12 week old daughter was rushed into hospital and made him finish his afternoon of meetings before he returned home when she was admitted (and kept in for three days) at 9 months. They were awful to work for despite what 'The Times' say .... needless to say he doesn't work there any more 🍾🎉😃

My DH took one day off for each of my miscarriages.

DH took a day off each time, but was always back the following day (having made sure I had other support from friends).

Entry level and part time... are you in your first two years at the company? You don't have much of a legal anything tbh, they could end your contract at any time for any reason.

Dh took just one day off. Unfortunately I don't think many companies offer much more these days

My husband was given several days off and much more flexibility to leave early for as long as I needed (a couple of weeks). They were not remotely pressured. Perhaps it helped that we were very open about it and that we had been having fertility treatment. So his colleagues were very understanding and picked up work where needed for those few days. I know one of the colleagues had a miscarriage a year or so later, and of course my husband took on bits of her work for a bit. I think kindness is an underrated quality in the workplace.

Hi
If you have leave can you take this? I always think this is the best option and it avoids discussions as to why.