All the things you shouldn't say

[MissBel12]

Just thought I'd start this thread to note all the things that people keep saying, but actually upset and anger me. I know they mean well, so I'm going to get my frustration out here instead. Feel free to join me and add to the list

1. Maybe it was meant to be
2. At least you know you can get pregnant
3. For anyone who has kids: at least you've already got "insert number here" kids
4. It's very common
5. At least it happened early on
6. At least you're not too old to try again (yet)

There's loads more, but a good rule of thumb when someone's baby dies is that there is no "at least"

Aw harrietm sending you love x

Sorry to hear that Harriet

From my MIL:

Anyone else hate it when people start reeling off statistics?! I fume every time I hear someone say "1 in 4...". Like it's ok because it's so common!
Too many of my friends said "well you can try again". Sorry but that's not helpful!!!

The best thing people said to me was simply, "I'm sorry for your loss".
I appreciated friends who asked if I was ok, and even those that asked about the experience and my time in hospital. One friend asked if I was doing anything in remembrance and although I was taken aback, it was really nice to feel like I could talk about it (I planted a tree and bought myself a necklace).

x

I had the OPs list all said to me in the last 48 hours with my second mmc and third mc. Erpc yesterday and came around sobbing post op and the recovery nurse simply hugged me and said I was brave. Back in my room ( private luckily) fm calls and said well now you can be normal againand not mope after waiting to naturally miscarry for 3 weeks.

Oh and how I must return to work Monday to get over it all. Sure bleeding heavily whilst returning to questions as to why I just left the office and didn't return for a month!

Fm is 'dm ' Freudian slip .....

Stuckin

I came round sobbing from my first ERPC too (but was crying when they knocked me out so I guess that's why). Lovely recovery nurse stroked my hair, have never forgotten that.

We found out yday at our scan- I was 12 weeks 4 days- that baby had died....mother in law says....oh gutted, a lot of people lose their first baby...
Have decided not going to talk to his family for a very long time. She hasn't even asked how we are...if she did I would tell her I have laid in bed all day crying.
People say stupid things and nasty things....we all know though that we will forever remember our babies we lost...we are mummies to angels xx

I'm so sorry Kirsty People really do say the most stupid and insensitive things

Thank you LoveB.... had a message off mother in law asking if I'm OK today, am i back at work and she's lucky she never had this....I think the words I'm looking for begin with the letter F and ends with off. My actual response was 'no and no'.

Oh Kirsty, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's such a shit time. Ignore your mil, focus on yourself. Be kind to yourself. There are lots of threads on here with lovely, supportive people who understand how you might be feeling. 💐

Some I've received:

1. "Yours was only 15 weeks. Others have been through worse."
2. "Maybe it wasn't meant to be."
3. "Something must've been wrong with it."
4. "It's been 2 days already. Move on."
5. "I don't think you were ready for it, anyway."
6. "I know it's hard, but everything happens for a reason."
7. "You're still young. You have time."
8. Narrates their many miscarriages to me "Maybe you should just think of those who've had more losses."

So, my loss wasn't entirely a loss. My baby was objectified to "it". That perhaps my baby didn't form correctly, and so the loss was okay. That maybe I should quit mourning two days after the traumatic experience; six hour flight of contractions, blood gushing once I reached the baggage area, being wheeled over to the toilets, only to see the baby land on the floor fully formed, his eyes looking directly at me. That because everything happens for a reason, I will somehow learn to forget what happened and what could have been. I have time, they said... What about the will to go through it again? The strength to pull through? Will I even enjoy my next pregnancy, if I were to be blessed with one?

And after all of this, I am happy, because I choose to be and try day after day. I have learnt to be happy in my own solitude, to not confide in anyone, and that the only sincerest of empathises I received was a hug and a delicate "Are you okay? I'm here for you."

Oh msfo so sorry for your loss.

Msfo....I'm sending you a big virtual hug. I found out I had lost mine on the 24th April. I only really now am starting to feel better in myself. I feel like I can finally hold my head up high and talk about it. I have come to realise I don't want sympathy off people because as you have said- not much of that sympathy is sincere. It's more people wanting to know the details...being nosey. My mother in law annoyed me so much I told her I was becoming a nun. That shut her up. What you have been through is horrific and you take as much time as you need. Surround yourself with things and people you love- the people who have the balls to say to you- 'it's alright- I'm here' and 'it really is shit but we will get you through this, I promise'. They are the things you need to hear not the negative stuff- I had from my mother in law 'I don't know why your so upset it's just a blob'. That sort of stuff- as much as you want to scream and shout they don't deserve a reaction. You hold your head up high and you stand tall and proud that you are surviving this experience. We are all angel mummies here and we will never forget the babies we lost. If you want to talk you can message me privately on here xxx

I keep getting told it must be my body trying to tell me something. WHAT is it trying to say because none of my tests have some back with a problem. WTF is it because as I lay here worrying that I am losing my 5th baby, I would love to know what my body is saying. FFS