All the things you shouldn't say

[MissBel12]

Just thought I'd start this thread to note all the things that people keep saying, but actually upset and anger me. I know they mean well, so I'm going to get my frustration out here instead. Feel free to join me and add to the list

1. Maybe it was meant to be
2. At least you know you can get pregnant
3. For anyone who has kids: at least you've already got "insert number here" kids
4. It's very common
5. At least it happened early on
6. At least you're not too old to try again (yet)

There's loads more, but a good rule of thumb when someone's baby dies is that there is no "at least"

Lemon so sorry to hear that it must if been horrendous..

My best friend came round with a bag full of our favourite comfort foods, a bottle of whiskey and a packet of my favourite cigarettes (I'd quit prior to TTC but she suspected I might one and my God I did) threw her arms around me and said "this is so fucking shit, I love you."

I was told by the practice nurse to stop wallowing, lose some weight & that it happens to everyone. This, 2 days after learning that there was no heartbeat in a temporary scan room (partitioned off with a curtain from someone being told their baby was fine) & then having a d&c. Sometimes wondered why she was a nurse...

Thank you Misssmoo....your friend sounds ace

Mombie what a lush friend that is ...and wannabe in wouldn of went mad how insensitive stupid bitch...she needs sacked u dnot say that to people x

WannabeHippy...... that nurse sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Sorry, I should have said Mombie2016 YOUR friend sounds ace.

Five foot not at all the same situation, but when my husband died I always found great comfort when my friends remembered important dates. Maybe a simple 'thinking of you today' or 'if you'd like to do something today, I'm available' would show you've remembered without making her feel obligated to do something special.

It's so hard, as a pp said, everyone needs something different.

Also think there's a lot of immediate support, but it can disappear/become less obvious.

"You must know to expect this at your age"

Said by a 'friend' after a mmc at 9 weeks & then a mc at 6 weeks.

Oh forgot to say I'm 42. Had been ttc for about 18 months

Stopped trying after that

I lost my first at 5 months, had to be induced to deliver the baby.

That night the nurse looking after me said "Well, you wouldn't want a handicapped child, its better they go now"

and a close family member, better not say exactly who, said

"well at least when a proper baby comes along you'll be all stretched out from this one so it will be easier"

From SIL affer I had a mmc at 12 weeks followed by d&c procedure. 'You will be fine it's the same as me getting my coil in last month, I had to have a d&c first .'
I raised my eyebrow and said, 'It's not really the same though is it, because they are removing a feotus from inside me, and I've lost my pregnancy.' She just laughed and said 'oh yeah'.
But then she is an absolute tit at the best of times.

From my Mum: 'have you never heard of contraception'

From a Dr during a bleed with DD3: ' well Mrs Keep, you know the score by now. Just come back when you loose this one & you can see about trying again....'

We've lost 3, all boys. We are blessed with 3 girls. Some make comments about that

My lovely friends sent me a big shop full of stuff to help my iron situation & later a tree to plant. It brings me comfort each day.

My sister in law told me in her day it would have been seen as a heavy period. She asked how could I be sure I was pregnant and not just a few missed periods.

People are so cruel. I think they don't think before they speak.

"You can always adopt"

"It's actually really hard for me, because I don't want to say the wrong thing" - they said this a few times and it was like they wanted sympathy from me!

"You weren't ready for it, you conceived a lot quicker than you thought so you weren't really ready anyway"

If a friend had to go through one now, I would say "I'm so sorry" and I would hug them and I would listen to them. I wouldn't say anything apart from how sorry I am and how I am there to help.

If you're a very close friend, a text saying "I hope you're ok today, thinking of you". But if you're anything but a very close friend, don't mention it to her. The due date of my miscarriage is coming up and I don't think I'd want anyone but my closest friends/mum to mention it.

Ginny

OMG some of these comment people are having are absolutely disgusting. There is no need for the things some people when you miscarry xx

I had a mmc 4 years ago. The impact that pregnancy made has never left me...

I have never spoken to anyone about how it or how i felt and still occasionally feel.

Sometimes there are no words...

"lots of people have them and they don't even realise"... really? coz I'm pretty sure if you were rolling around in a ball of pain and bleeding non stop for a week, you'd probably notice

Also, a classic from my mother(I posted this in another thread the other day...)
"Let's go clothes shopping - you'll feel better if you're not looking so frumpy."
Oh of course, buying clothes will TOTALLY compensate for losing my precious, longed-for baby. Doh!

One thing I've never got, when I got to my 20 wk scan with DS, (ironically causing a kerfuffle showing the MW had the compassion of gnats) people saying aww it's actually happening, you're having your rainbow baby. Everyone about were all WTF is a rainbow baby.

The concept has been explained, I've had a lot of MC's, had a psychic in Tesco tell me I've got the most gorgeous boys, DS's elder brother was the spit of him. I had a loss later on about 3 months before my BFP with DS.

I feel really bad that I can say I've had over 10 MC's but I don't really pay them much mind. Even when praying for the deceased, plus the fact one was latish, I just don't think about them. Does that make me a bad Mum? Also not really being into the rainbow baby thing.

It's strange how the woman in Tesco's mentioned DS having an older brother for guardian angel. That makes me smile.

Yep had all of these on multiple occasions . I work in an environment where colleagues have to know early for safety reasons. I particularly hate the "it's very common" and the "must have been something wrong with it" comments.
I also hate the "you'll have another" - I wanted this one .

Another one I had a few times was people questioning why I had one 'because it's not as if you're old' (I was in my late twenties). Couldn't tell if they thought I had a secret heroin addiction .

My DM (who is very nice normally) said to me "Well I'm glad you're being sensible about it and not turning it into a big deal" . I was trying to put a brave face on but felt shit inside. Made me feel like I couldn't talk to her about it .

To be fair it was comforting to me that my miscarriages happened in early pregnancy. I think it could have been worse. So that one for me is fine.

I really dislike that people think that you are up and running the next day. Miscarriages floor me, I really can't do much afterwards and feel horrible.

I haven't really told anyone about mine (still on my third atm) so haven't had any of these comments. Not sure if that's better or worse. I'm basically just pretending everything is fine all day and then crashing every evening. Feel a bit like I'm living half a life.