MMC at 12 wk scan, stopped growing at 9.5 wks

[appleseedpip]

I had my 12 week scan today, my first scan and also my first pregnancy. There was no heartbeat and the fetus had stopped growing at 9.5 weeks :( I had been feeling anxious too about mmc but thought I was being paranoid and worrying too much. I had no bleeding whatsoever so thought everything was going to plan but the news was devastating..

We were planning to tell our family on Christmas Day.. This whole thing has happened at a really awkward time of year and don't think I can get an appointment till the new year.. But I was wondering which procedures did other's go through if they had a MMC with a baby that stopped growing at 9.5-10weeks.. I've read elsewhere that women (majority who had lost at 5-6 weeks) that waited to MC naturally or took the pill experienced a lot of pain and bleeding.. It worries me how much more painful and bleeding it is for someone who is at 9.5-10weeks :(. I'm frightened of the operation route as I've never been under general anaesthetic but reading how much less pain and bleeding there was seems better.. I really don't know what to do :(

I'm trying to stay positive and remind myself that we were lucky to be pregnant and on our first month of TTC even if it unfortunately ended in a MMC, we know that we can be pregnant again. I also think the fetus just wasn't a healthy one to begin with and nature took it's course which if it was the case I'm greatful for.

2016 has honestly been an awful year. I'm glad to see the back of it but moving onwards and forwards a new year and a new start. Fingers crossed for us all for happy healthy pregnancies.

After being freaked for 3 days I now want to bury it but cant find it sorry this is such a vile conversation but clots there in toilet sort of plum sized so Im wondering if babys been inamongst. But still contracting so god knows whats going on - Ive researched the life out of this subject now. I read some pretty indepth information yesterday about cell division and how the chromosomes come together to form a viable human. I feel my understanding on why the baby just stopped now makes more sense. Its not as simple of 23 and 23 its how they split and come back together.
I hope everythings gone by tomorrow!

I had lots of blood clots before passing the sac and then the clots stopped and I just had some light bleeding afterwards.
Doesn't sound like you've passed the sac yet xx

Okay thats good as I now dont want to flush it - thanks again for support as its invaluable to everyone else whose helped me too xx

Same as littlemiss - I passed the sac last 2 days after the mc started. I didn't want to flush either. We have a memorial rose in the garden. We both wrote a letter to our baby bean to bury in the pot.
I found it oddly comforting that my body didn't want to part with the baby. Almost like my body was working properly, but baby just hadn't developed as it should.

And everyone, please be kind to yourself and take the time you need to recover. I had to have a month off work and bereavement counselling.
Not sure i'll ever be the person I used to our be - life and soul of the party, very outgoing. I now much prefer my own company or being with family, and very close friends.

I had weird thoughts this last hour about it staying for now like I will just get on with it in situ but im in too much pain. Im having a rose too I was thinking of a tiny headstone too I will do that whether i catch it or not x

Hellbelle75 you are right it changes you x

Just wondering how everyone is doing... I didn't feel up to posting last week but was following this thread as I was going through the same thing. Found out last Wednesday (28th) that my twins had no heartbeat and probably died shortly after our private scan just before Christmas. I opted for medical management but in my case the initial tablet was enough to miscarry, so I didn't need the pessaries.

The last couple of days I've been feeling relatively ok, and optimistic about trying again, but today I feel like I've gone backwards a little, and I'm sad all over again. I guess that's pretty standard for grief. How are you all feeling today?

So sorry to hear that salty. It's still only early days My mmc (at 10.5wks) was 5 weeks ago now. I felt devastated to start with and was dreading Christmas, but it turned out to be a good distraction, although I drank far too much.

Today I've felt really sad again as I face the reality of more IVF (I'd been ttc for almost 4 years before this BFP through IVF). I don't even really have the hope of trying again, or not at least without spending several thousand pounds.

It still feels very lonely, especially as it is not something I can share. I've told a couple of friends but I'm not sure they all understand really - one friend, despite having a child herself - was suprised to hear that I'd had morning sickness, my boobs and belly had grown (I now have stretch marks!) and that I'd had midwife appts etc. almost like she couldn't see my pregnancy as being 'real' enough to progress like that.

My work runs an EAP that offers locally based counselling for free so I might take that up to try and get through it.

I hope everyone else is doing ok?

Oh and is anyone getting bad headaches? I'm getting them every few days and nothing will shift them at all. Not sure if it's related but they have only appeared since my ERPC.

Hi Saltycaramel and tigerdog, I'm so sorry for both your losses. I'm glad we've got each other to talk to.

Salty it's totally fine to have 'good' and 'off' days.. Everything takes time. As my sister and MIL said.. It's ok to cry and totally ok to laugh too! As weird as that sounds. Don't feel like you've got to be in eternal mourning either.

Tiger I'm so sorry you're feeling lonely.. Some people just don't know how to handle the news as it's one of the most difficult things to go through in life. People malfunction in difficult emotional situations. No one will ever really understand unless they go through it first hand unfortunately.. You've got us for that.

Oh also, I've lost all my baby weight I had gained :( (5lbs). First time ever I've been sad about losing weight! I'm also anxious about when I'll get my first period as we would like to starting trying again..

Appleseed, I'm sorry for what you are going through. My experience has some similarities to yours and I'm sure many others here in these forums, but I wrote this reply under your thread because it happened the same week. I started spotting on Sunday night (December 18th) but not bad enough to think something was really wrong. Then Monday the 19th I saw a bit more blood so I called my doctor's office. I was scheduled for my fist ultrasound on the 22nd, but they told me to come right in when I told them about the bleeding. All of this happened Monday the 19th. I cut my workday short in order to make it to the doctor and as I was walking to my car, I felt the gush of blood. I called my husband and started freaking out realizing this was real, it was happening. I told him to meet me at the doctor's. He was in the middle of teaching so he had to find a sub and head over to my appt. I was determined to see my baby on an ultrasound for the first and last time.
I was 13.5 weeks pregnant and they said he had stopped growing around 9 weeks. Coincidentally, the weekend when I was supposed to have been 9 weeks, I felt more depressed than I've EVER had in my entire life. The next day, I started feeling great. No morning sickness, tiredness, its as if I wasn't pregnant. I told my mom and a friend about it and they tried to reassure me it was all in my mind. What was I going to do? Go to the hospital worried because I felt too good? In hindsight, I think this is the weekend my baby died.
So, going back to December 19th, I saw my beautiful baby on the screen, but the technician was trying to block my view and there was no sound at all. I asked her if the baby was ok and she told me it was much smaller than she would expect at 13.5 weeks.
My husband got there just as the doctor walked into the room and by bleeding got out of hand. I burst out crying and the doctor hugged me and told me I was losing my baby. My husband started crying and saying this was not happening. The doctor sat next to me with her hand on my thigh and told me the baby wasn't suffering or feeling anything. That it had been "gone" since he was 9 weeks. Oddly, I found some comfort in those words and got ready for what I was going to go through. I didn't want the ladies in the waiting room to notice mine and my husband's tears, I am not sure why that worried me so much. I sent him to the store to get me pads and painkillers. I was on survival mode. No longer thinking about the baby, just focusing on getting this done. It was similar to labor and very scary. No one prepares you for something as traumatic. I was compeltely numb emotionally for 2 days and the inmense grief came by surprise. I have never cried so much in my life. I have 2 beautiful kiddos and a great husband. I need to be there for them, but all I wanted to do was lay in bed and grieve. Extremely difficult since I do not let anyone see me cry. The first week I kept waking up at 3am and 5am which are the times I wike up when pregnant to empty my bladder. Now I just woke up to stare at the ceiling and cry about the emptiness. There are many things that trigger my sadness, but I know it will get better. I don't think I'll ever forget. My baby will always be in my heart and he took part of me with him.

So sorry for the long post. It helps to write about it. I understand your pain and hope, that like me, you will continue to feel a little less sad as the days go by. Big hugs to you and all the sister mommies on this site.
Angie.

Hi all, I'm feeling pretty crap. Plastering on a face but feeling numb and that everything is just going on as if nothing's happened. Had my erpc a week yesterday. DH very logical and shows no signs of trying again, haven't had a hug since last year... Had a wobbly new years eve, 2 days after op. Felt ugly and horrid watching tying the skinny pretty girls doing new years programmes and generally I was moping. Since moping, nothing and I mentioned that it was probably a sign not to have more as youngest is 7 this year, I'm 37... He agreed and that's that so I'm just feeling meh....no more babies for me so I'm focussing on healthy eating and exercise but feeling lonely and lost 😟 it's a horrible feeling knowing it wont happen again, like that was my last chance ☹️baby blankets etc going to charity at the weekend

Hula,

I am very sorry for the pain you are going through. If it helps in any way, I'll tell you two things my doctor told me:
First, men as we all know, are programmed differently. They want to fix and make things better for their family. Your hubby may seem like he's being practical, but inside he may be grieving for the baby AND you. He may be thinking he doesn't want to see you go through this again. He may feel selfish even thinking about trying again. He sees you sad and grieving and he probably wishes he could "fix" that.
Secondly, I was told was that there was no reason I should be trying to make decisions right now. I know its hard to hear, but we could tell ourselves "I would like to take care of myself and then start TTC on March (or any month). It may seem like time is running out (I'm 35) but a few months are really not going to kill us. It doesn't have to be black or white. We don't have to decide anything right this minute...even if just in our minds.

I wish I could be there and offer comfort. The only person I feel completely comfortable talking about this is a friend that went through he. She doesn't just say things trying to make me feel better because she knows that's not possible. She listens, she understands because she lost her baby just like me.
I hope you find a bit of comfort just writing out here and knowing we can "listen", we feel and we understand.

Big hugs to you.

Thank you so much Ange. I hadn't thought about - that I don't need to make a decision now. I suppose I'm just so used to planning constantly both work and home life that it's really hard for me not top and I find the not knowing my next steps unsettling... Glutton for punishment. I hope you're right about hubby, he's usually my rock but now he's just so distant. I think he was relieved tbh when I MC... He s so unaffected, not a tear but he's not the teary type at all. I don't really socialise, and no family about, so it felt really good to write about it today. Thank you for your reply, really made sense. Big hugs to you too. Xx

Hula, I am a similar way...it took some therapy to figure it out. I'm always living in the future or in the past. Always thinking of the worst case scenario so I can take steps to prevent it or deal with it. What shd I do if this or that happens...I need to be on top of everything. In this situation, I play tricks on myself thinking I can still be on top of things in a couple of months after a cycle or two...
Your hubby may be in a better place by then. Try not to resent him cause then it will just get worse and that is the last thing you need right now. I'm sorry you have no family close. My in-laws are the only family I have in town, but I feel like they don't get it, so I don't reach out to them. Feel free to PM me if you'd like.
Stay strong and get back to a healthy place. We can do it.
Angie

tiger, I'm so sorry you have to deal with ivf on top of this - that's really, really shit. Completely get what you say about it being lonely - our families and few of my friends know, they've all been sad for us but they don't quite get it... of course it won't affect anyone else to the same degree.

Apple, I had that conversation with my mum this week. We had an early scan so thought it was safeish to tell and told our families over Christmas, only to have to tell them days later that it wasn't happening after all. I mostly texted straight away to avoid any chirpy texts about the babies, but I was dreading the follow up with my mum... it was actually ok, managed not to cry and that felt like a bit of a milestone. I hate that everyone will now be waiting on tenterhooks for another pregnancy announcement, though... we're planning to try again straight away too, I think that's the single thing that would most make me feel better about it all.

Ange, I'm sorry you're joining our little club that nobody wants to be in. Think you're right - it'll get a little better almost every day, but there'll always be reminders. Sometimes I wonder if seeing twins will always make me a little sad.

Hula, I'm sorry you're struggling. My husband hasn't cried either, but I know he's more sad than I've ever seen him. He seems to be almost back to normal, but it's just different for me/us/women - it still felt a bit hypothetical for him, whereas our lives were already different - no drinking, avoiding foods and hot baths, feeling sick and a bit fat all the time - I found it hard to focus on anything else at times. Agree with ange, don't make any decisions that you don't need to - you don't have to rule out more babies forever right now.

I'm heading back to work next week and dreading it a little - I've only taken a few extra days as wasn't due back until this week, but I'm finding it hard to care about what happens at work. Next week I would have been 12 weeks, so was expecting to be able to tell colleagues and laugh about my poor excuses at Christmas do's - just hoping nobody else at work or amongst friends is going to suddenly announce their pregnancy along the same timelines, that would be really difficult.

Going back to work is hard salty, but easier after the first day or two I found. I hope it goes ok . I was a bit tearful, but I have some really lovely colleagues and a boss who knows all about what we've been through so I felt well supported. In truth, I haven't given a shit about work for a while as infertility and IVF have ground me down past caring! Have you told any of your colleagues?

hula hope you're starting to feel better and that your DH and the lovely DC you already have are providing some comfort. You're not too old though - I will be 37 this year and don't even have 1 - the doctors tell me it's not too old, but my age really gets me down. Ange is right though - take some time to grieve before making decisions. Big hug x

Ange, sorry to hear what you've been through too. I also spent those first weeks awake at night with tears rolling down my face. It is slowly getting better but I'm now even more afraid that I'll never have a living baby.

apple'I found your post very moving. Glad you are starting to feel better. I already do acupuncture - I find it very healing and I love the lady I see - we spent half an hour last night talking through my plans for IVF and I really value her support. She also helped with my headache and thankfully today I don't have one!

I'm also anxious about my cycle - I was suprised by the arrival of a period on Xmas day - about 25 days after my ERPC and a couple of days after the tests finally turned negative. I'm tracking ovulation this month but so far nothing and I'm CD13 and would usually start to get the surge now. We are going to try naturally anyway, even though it's probably pointless.

I'm really glad of this space to talk about these things - I so have some really supportive people in my life but they are almost all pregnant and I feel like my miscarriage is too negative to talk about with them when they are in the scary early stages of pregnancy too.

The 'I should have been...' moments are the worst. There is someone in my friendship group due at the same time I would have been. She got to announce to our friends at a get together - the same one I would have been telling people at. I've had to hide her on facebook as it's too hard hearing all the updates that reflect exactly where I would have been in my pregnancy. My 16 week midwife appointment was already prebooked for this Monday and seeing the note on the old calendar really made me sad.

Hope you're all doing ok today?

Hope it goes well for you at work this week salty.

Thanks tiger - it was actually ok being back in the office. Hope you were ok today not going to the midwife.

In the spirit of celebrating the small stuff, my clearblue digital ovulation tests finally showed high fertility on CD18 so hopefully I will ovulate in the next few days. I was beginning to give up hope as it was getting so late. Relieved that my cycle is returning.

Ange00 Oh I am so sorry you've had to go through this too :( the fact that you didn't have a chance to be aware or prepared must have been so distressing.. You're right about the grief, I was so surprised by the amount of heartbreak and grief I felt and it has been the most saddest and darkest time I've ever experienced for something that only lasted a few months.. My sister said to me it's not about just losing the baby but all the hopes, plans and dreams I had formed in my mind and with my husband for the future. She's right.. It's all the discussions of which room we'd have as the nursery, where we would place the cot in our bedroom, where I would give birth? Researching prams, how much is a baby bath? Wedding invites for the summer and what maternity dresses I should wear. However much I tried to be realistic and remind myself that anything could happen and to not be carried away your mind wonders into the future and the exciting times ahead. I managed to stop myself from buying a single thing for the baby though and gave myself the rule of wait till 16 weeks.. thank god I managed to do that.
I too will never forget my baby, my first pregnancy, it is now part of my tapestry of life but I know I'll get to a point one day when I'll be able to talk about things openly without the heartache.
I'm glad we've found each other through this forum and thread to talk, listen, discuss and support each other. Knowing that a lot of us who have written here have gone through this roughly the same time makes me feel we can all grieve and hopefully move forward together.. Big hugs to you

Hello,

I've come to seek out a hand to hold. I thought I was 13 weeks today and had my 12 week scan today where we were told our baby stopped developing between 8/9 weeks.

I had started bleeding two days ago so I knew something was wrong, also since Christmas I knew something didn't feel right. Not that I have anything to compare it to, as this was my first pregnancy.

I've been sent home for the weekend, back to the hospital on Monday where they will talk to me about options if things haven't progressed over the weekend.

I've read through this the thread and can see others have had a very similar story to me. I do have a wonderful husband and supportive family and friends, but I guess I still feel a bit lost.

I feel like it's so hard on the partners, my DH tends to be "stiff upper lip" so I've been asking him how he is and giving him lots of support. He keeps saying he has to support me but he's being doing little cries after I go to bed which I think is cathartic.

In a way I'm more worried about him because it's harder for him to process. I feel 'unpregnant' now but he will find it harder to understand it. I actually feel much happier today because I'm not carrying something that has passed away around but he I think is a little more sad because it is officially gone now.

@theother sorry for your loss x. I had a ERPC today (if you can have one that is ultrasound guided at your hosp then would recommend). It's actually really fine, GA a bit scary to think about but good because you drift off to sleep and wake up and it's done. The drugs are really cold going up inside your arm which is a bit gross but you go under so quick, also pretty low pain, no cramping as of yet.

Don't think I will tell family - they're a bit negative about things whereas I'm more upbeat. Will just have lots of snuggles with DH. I'm going to use the TTC free month to get on with my work qualifications which I've been putting off these last 3 months!

I know exactly how u feel. I have just recently suffered a miscarriage too. I went for my 12 week scan to be told my baby had no heartbeat and stopped growing at 10 and a half weeks. I also had to have the operation to remove my baby. I tried the tablets twice and it didnt work. How r u coping