Finding the aftermath of mmc much harder than I expected. Any ideas?

[sureitsgrand]

Hi,
I had a mmc a week ago. I had a feeling something wasn't right at 11 weeks so went to hospital. I wasn't told much, though they said there was no heartbeat. Stupidly I held out hope till Monday (I knew deep down what no heartbeat meant, but tried to convince myself there was a mistake).
I returned Monday, they confirmed mmc and had d&c Tuesday. Physically I'm recovering well, with minor bleeding.
Mentally...not so good! I feel isolated (Though everyone has been lovely who I've told) and extremely sorry for myself. I'm being very passive aggressive to my DH. (example-'Are you OK love?' l'What do you think, I've just lost a baby').
I'm hoping someone will just tell me what to do. I feel lost.
I have an 18 month old DS, I need to be OK for him.

Banana I agree it's not common knowledge & we will all handle it our own way I suppose. Such an awful thing for us to go thru. Time is key I think, as the days go by I hope it gets easier for people as it did for me.
Hellbelle congratulations! I have been trying but no luck yet. Got my period today in fact. I was told you can fall pregnant pretty much straight away, once periods return to normal. So it will happen for us again ladies, just got to keep on trying. And you can't let having a MC put you off, as traumatic as they are to go thru. Because we will get our rainbow baby! Sorry for all of your losses. I hope it's a little comforting for all of us to be able to chat on here etc, knowing that were not alone.

Helbelle spelt your name wrong lol.

My cycle was a bit messed up, 28 day normal for the first one after the mmc , then 23 days which really freaked me out. I used opks and conceived on the next cycle.
Getting those periods was just the worst as I was so hopeful, but I think my body needed chance to recover.
It will happen for us, just keep hoping.

Oh and I'm a great believer in everything happening for a reason, but I still haven't found a positive to losing our baby bean.

Hello I hope you don't mind me posting. I had a miscarriage almost exactly a year ago and it was probably the hardest thing I've ever been through. I think everyone reacts differently and different things help you to heal. For me it helped to start trying again straight away (took 2 months to get pg again and currently nursing ds1 who is refusing to sleep) but also to accept that there was always going to be part of me that was sad from what had happened. Time did help but I found I needed a lot of time and even months later when I was very pg I would still start crying about it and miss my original baby and feel guilty about the new pregnancy. A few months ago before ds1 was born DH and I took some time to write a goodbye letter to our lost baby. I cried my way through it and my DH wrote a beautiful poem, I still feel so sad thinking about it and for me it was really important and helpful to acknowledge my lost baby, grieve properly and say goodbye when I was ready. I hope you don't mind me sharing, i found being part of a similar thread on mumsnet so helpful and reassuring to be able to talk through my feelings with people who understood

Hi ladies. I had a couple of days not posting but said I'd check in again. Thanks to people who have shared stories and feelings and kind words. I am back to work today. People have been kind, but it's still hard. My DH seems totally over it now, and I just can't get that? I don't want to be in work, putting a front on. My angel jewellery hasn't arrived yet I'm hoping it does today.

Hi Sure, hope work is ok today.
Just wanted to say the my DH is exactly the same, he's fine now too and thinks I should be too. I've had an awful few days with him, he lost his rag with me Saturday night and said I'd got to get over this as I'd been a bitch to him for a whole week since leaving the hospital. Upset does not even cover that evening.

I've tried to explain to him about the huge physical changes to me during the pregancy and then our loss. I'm still bleeding so not physically better yet let alone emotionally recovered. I think part of it is his way of coping, he finds all these emotions of mine difficult but part of me thinks he's been really out of order. I've apologised if I've snapped at him, I know I've not be easy to be around.

I've talked to him again today so hopefully something is sinking in. I hope so.

I'm actually feeling better today which I think is down to having completed my antibiotics finally.

It's been such a huge help and support to read everyones posts on here, I wouldn't have been able to cope without you all, so thank you brave ladies.

I'm sorry for all your losses. It's such an isolating experience OP and I don't think there is any one way to deal with it, we all have our different ways of coping so just do what feels right for you, not what you feel is expected of you. At first it's all so raw but time does take the edge off the emotional pain. I found the miscarriage association website helpful along with mumsnet. You will get through this I promise.

Hi all, hope you don't mind me jumping on to your thread. Its sad to see so many of us going through this , but its great that we can all help and support each other too.
I had a mmc last Thursday - after seeing our little beans HB at 6 and 7 weeks strongly beating away , were were having a follow up scan after a scare with a bleed a couple of weeks previously - and since then everything had settled , - it was just a follow up, the first scan we weren't worried about, it should have been 9w 3d, but only measured 8 weeks. That moment will live with me forever, I keep reliving it - it felt like an age of silence, no-one was saying anything but just looking at the screen, and I just knew . There was no heartbeat. And i felt heartbroken.
We decided on medical management, for me personally I felt emotionally it might help me come to terms with what was happening. Also, as sad as it was I felt it may give me a little chance to say goodbye, and see the bean that we would never have the chance to meet properly, but already loved so much. The night before the treatment was horrible, I woke up in the night sobbing that I had carried this bean around, and I hadn't even noticed what had happened. More than anything I wished I knew when I had died, I still do. I feel so sad that I was the one meant to be protecting it, and nurturing it, and I hadn't even known it had passed away . How could I not know that? Im its mother. I felt let down that my body had carried on making me believe I was pregnant, with all the signs, and actually I hadn't even noticed it had died. Just before I had the scan they asked me if I still felt pregnant, to which I responded wholeheartedly yes. I still feel ashamed about that.
My moods are all over. When I'm sad I swing between despair and feeling numb, when I'm not feeling overly sad I feel guilty. And everywhere I go there are babies or pregnant people. I still can't bring myself to drink caffeine.
I'm still bleeding, and have cramps, but I'm trying to see it as a positive, and as my body healing and repairing. Although its a constant reminder of whats happened.
I just wish my little bean had been okay .
I'm sorry, I just re-read what I've written. I was feeling stronger today, I decided to come on here to try to write something constructive, and as a support but I seem mainly to have thrown myself into emotional turmoil. I guess the keeping busy and trying to distract myself hasn't really helped as much as I may have thought...
sending love to you all, and thank you for all writing xxxx

Hi Puddle, so sorry to read your story, sending you a big hug.

Your experience and feelings are so similar to mine and others I have read on here. I didn't know either. You have nothing to feel ashamed about, you body holds on to the pregnancy hormones for a long time, I'm still testing postive 12 days after surgical management. I did have a awful feeling before the scan as my symptoms had dropped off over the few days before but seeing the still scan picture was still the biggest, most terrible shock I've ever experienced. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you to have had two good scans before.

I didn't think I'd ever get over the shock, and although I'm know I've still got a long way to go, that immediate, terrible smacked in the face feeling is getting less painful as the days go by. It still hurts, and the upset comes in waves, but it is getting more manageable. First of all I felt like my brain was 100% full of shock and sadness with no room for any other thoughts but I think it's more like 50% now, sounds daft but it's helping me see a way through (and function just about).

I think that everyone's comments on here are so supportive and helpful, even when they are full of sadness. It's been such a huge support for me to know others feel just the same and things do get better. Keep talking and looking after yourself. Say what ever you need on here, I promise it'll help.

Hi monkey, thank you so much for your reply. It's such a comfort to have others to speak to that are going through similar things, and to know it's gets a little easier with time. I know il never really 'get over' it, little bean will always be a part of us and a part of our lives.
Things are much easier when I'm hidden away and can keep busy. I'm dreading the time when I have to see people we know, and act 'normal'. I just don't know how il react. My emotions are volatile enough at the best of times at the moment...
Thank you again for being kind, and for helping me to find a place where I can feel comfort at such a difficult time. I hope with time I can use this experience to help others.
Sending lots of love xxxx