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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Tomorrow my pregnancy will start to end, I am in bits

70 replies

spilttheteaagain · 28/12/2015 13:50

I'm about 13 weeks. On Christmas eve my poor baby was diagnosed with anencephaly, a condition incompatible with life. I have a TFMR scheduled this week, the first tablet is tomorrow to suppress the progesterone that supports the pregnancy.

I feel sick thinking that this is probably the last day that this baby will be alive, and I will have to swallow that tablet tomorrow knowing what it means

It all seems so senseless, so sad, so cruel. I think I felt the baby move over the last couple of days. It is so lovely to feel and so desperately sad.

Even though there would be no hope for this poor baby I feel so utterly responsible for what I am about to do and it's weighing very heavily. I wish I could tell it how sorry I am.

OP posts:

Loki17 · 28/12/2015 13:53

I'm so sorry. There are no words. I hope you are being well looked after. . You should look into your options for saying goodbye. So sorry you are going through this.

CallieTorres · 28/12/2015 13:54

Oh my lovely, so sorry to hear your news, how horribly sad

I believe the baby knows what you are feeling. Be kind to yourself x

mummyagainin2016 · 28/12/2015 13:57

I'm so sorry. I've lost two babies to miscarriage , cause unknown. I really feel for you. The Miscarriage association might be able to offer support if you want to talk to someone. They have a helpline. Saying Goodbye is another fantastic support organisation.

Otherwise I'm sure others who have had a TFMR will be along soon to offer support. Thinking of you. Such a tough situation.

KittyandTeal · 28/12/2015 13:58

There are no words to describe my sympathy for you. I do know how you are feeling. I had to have an injection to stop my dd2s heart at 22 weeks before taking the meds to induce me.

That, and leaving her at hospital, are by far the 2 hardest things I have ever had to do.

I have no advice except try to be kind to yourself, you are doing this for the right reasons, try to keep that in mind. Let yourself feel whatever it is. I have to say, after having the injection for a couple of hours all I felt was relief, I also felt guilty I felt that way but looking back it was relief that all the waiting for results and decision making was over.

I shut down all my emotions, I didn't feel anything after that. I got through it, gave birth, joked with my dh about hospital food, spent time with my daughter. Then I left hospital and fell apart.

Let yourself be and feel whatever it is at that time. I'll be thinking of you x

OTheHugeManatee · 28/12/2015 14:00

So sorry for your news. The pain must be unbearable. Holding your hand

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt · 28/12/2015 14:02

Didn't want to read and run. So sorry you're going through this.

SilverShins · 28/12/2015 14:04

I'm so sorry. It's an incredibly hard thing for you to go through. Take care of yourself Spilttheteaagain, love to you

Original poster

spilttheteaagain · 28/12/2015 14:12

Thank you everyone. I've been very calm and philosophical about it for the last few days, had a couple of brief cries but suddenly it's like a whoosh now, I guess it's the imminence of it all and the shock starting to wear off.

kitty I sort of know what you mean about the emotional shut down. When my DD1 was born still at 20 weeks (she died after I contracted toxoplasmosis) I was much the same. I was induced as nothing was happening naturally and the staff at hospital kept saying "I must say you're taking this very well" and similar. We were numb. We were there with a job to do. We held her for a few hours but it was returning home to utter emptiness that was by far the worst part and where I went to pieces for months. I am terrified of that raw early grief, I know how appalling it is. I'm so sorry you had to lose your precious little girl.

Loki I know you are in the midst of loss right now, you are very kind to come here to offer support too. for you and your little one. I'm sorry.

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NanaNina · 28/12/2015 14:22

So very sorry - don't know if you might find SANDS helpful in the coming weeks. My friend found them very empathetic when her baby was stillborn.

KittyandTeal · 28/12/2015 16:10

Spil I'm not surprised you are scared about the grief. I am so utterly terrified of it that I have decided not to try for another, just in case it happened again.

There is nothing I can say. Loosing one baby is horrific, I cannot even fathom going through it again.

Life really is fucking unfair and shit sometimes.

Imnotaslimjim · 28/12/2015 16:28

So sorry you're going through this. And knowing what is to come emotionally will be making it all the harder. Being scared of that is completely normal.

The hospital will have support to offer and SANDS are amazing in these situations.

As Kitty has said, everything you feel in the coming days/weeks is part of the natural process. Allowing it to be felt and recognising it for what it is will ease it a little

I had 6 MC between 8 and 13 weeks gestation so I know a little of the pain you are facing. I can't begin to imagine having to make the decision you have though

I'll be thinking of you

GoApeShit · 28/12/2015 20:34

spilt I'm so, so sorry

Don't be afraid to cry and grieve and scream and shout and do whatever you need to do to get through this. I shut my emotions down during and immediately after my miscarriage and as a result never really faced up to what had happened at the time. It hit me like a truck a few weeks later and I really struggled. Do you have a good support network around you?

Much love.

primarynoodle · 28/12/2015 20:56

Im so sorry in august i had a tfmr after a life-incompatible condition was diagnosed after my 12 week scan.

It is the worst kind of pain and i still cry every day but i feel like my dd is with me even now (i am the least woo person ever). I also had medical management so please pm me for any advice/ranting/a cry and make sure you get signed up to the ARC charity because theyve been amazing for me.

Im so sorry this has to happen for you

JoMalones · 28/12/2015 22:35

Spilt I'm so sorry
I hope that tomorrow is kind for you. What an awful thing to have to go through again xx

Love2014 · 29/12/2015 00:17

I'm so so sorry! I lost my second baby to miscarriage a couple of weeks ago we found out at our first scan the baby had died 3 weeks earlier, we had had a silent miscarriage so was a big shock. The pain we have gone through has felt unbearable. I had to take tablets 2 weeks ago to cause a medical miscarriage and that was hard enough, what you have to do will be so difficult. I can really sympathise with the pain and anguish you must be feeling.. I'm so so sorry! I hope you take some strength from all of our support for what you have to face tomorrow and know we are all with you in spirit and sending our love! Take care and be kind to yourself over the next few weeks! Your very brave! Xxxxxx

Original poster

spilttheteaagain · 29/12/2015 10:52

Thank you everyone, the support means a lot. Will be off shortly. Just got DH to take a few photos of my mini bump. Feeling queasy and keep running to the loo for panic poos.

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ChishandFips33 · 29/12/2015 11:59

Thoughts and strength are with you
So so sorry you are having to go through this.

KittyandTeal · 29/12/2015 13:47

Thinking of you today

Original poster

spilttheteaagain · 29/12/2015 15:31

Home now, exhausted. It's now just the wait until Thursday when I'll go in for stage 2 of medical management. I just want it to be over now and we can hole up and lick our wounds and wait until it gets easier eventually.

We've made the initial arrangements for this baby to be buried with DD1.

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KittyandTeal · 29/12/2015 16:05

Glad you've managed to arrange for your baby buried with dd1.

I'll be thinking of you over the next few days x

EllieJayJay · 29/12/2015 20:46

Oh my goodness what a sad story to read, but I am in owe of the strength you are showing xx I am just so sorry to hear this and I will be thinkng of you over the next few days and wish you much love X

alltouchedout · 29/12/2015 20:51

I am so sorry.

sleeplessinmybedroom · 29/12/2015 20:55

I am so sorry you're going through this. I will be thinking of you.

Original poster

spilttheteaagain · 30/12/2015 16:34

I'm now flapping trying to think about what to take into hospital tomorrow and not quite managing to work it out or keep finding I don't have things. Gah.

I was hoping to find a little cloth/blanket for the baby and also some cheap pjs I could chuck away after the inevitable blood bath and drew a blank on both counts. Bloody rural small town. I have plundered DD1's memory box for the second blanket and teddy from there but I'm not sure I can use them. She was wrapped in that blanket and it's the only thing I have that touched her.

It also appears I must have chucked out my slippers in a clear out. And I don't possess any flip flops for showers. Shall just have to hope nothing is too foul

Feeling quite inept, especially given I've know for a week what's coming.

OP posts:

JoMalones · 30/12/2015 17:24

Could it be a pillowcase or item of your clothing? Something that is yours to wrap the baby in? They will probably give you a gown and just wear 2 sets of knickers initially.

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