Tomorrow my pregnancy will start to end, I am in bits

[spilttheteaagain]

I'm about 13 weeks. On Christmas eve my poor baby was diagnosed with anencephaly, a condition incompatible with life. I have a TFMR scheduled this week, the first tablet is tomorrow to suppress the progesterone that supports the pregnancy.

I feel sick thinking that this is probably the last day that this baby will be alive, and I will have to swallow that tablet tomorrow knowing what it means

It all seems so senseless, so sad, so cruel. I think I felt the baby move over the last couple of days. It is so lovely to feel and so desperately sad.

Even though there would be no hope for this poor baby I feel so utterly responsible for what I am about to do and it's weighing very heavily. I wish I could tell it how sorry I am.

[spilttheteaagain]

Yes I was figuring a pad and pants and wait for the mess, assume overflow!

I found a purple silky scarf that I might take, I don't know, can't quite imagine it. I feel all jittery. Hopefully this time tomorrow I'll be back home and it will all be over.

[primarynoodle]

Spilt i would recommend:

Using the hospital pads as they are super super absorbant and nothing you buy will touch the immediate aftermath.

Some cheap granny pants to keep those pads in place that can be thrown away after.

Some sanex or other non perfumed soap for a shower after.

Lots of stuff to do like a puzzle book/stuff downloaded on ipad/book etc (i had the pill and pessaries at about 8am and dd was born at 5.46pm so it was a long wait.) Not having much to do in that time must make the inevitable much much worse.

Big hand holding and hugs and thats all i can say, i wish this wasnt happening to you

[spilttheteaagain]

Thank you that's helped me focus. I remember the unbelievable mess last time, and tbh think sitting bare bum on the inco pad is probably best plan if I'm not writhing in pain... ha.

We've got puzzles printed, light books, some DVDs and laptop and also the pile of thank you letters we need to write - might as well get something useful done.

I am not looking forward to this. Hopefully I won't throw up with nerves in the morning.

[JoMalones]

I had surgical but I know after the birth of my DD I lost so much blood I actually slept in tena lady pants! Just like big toddler pull ups and you just rip them at the sides to take them off. The blood loss was so bad it was the only way I could sleep.

Don't forget any chargers you may need. The scarf sounds lovely.

[primarynoodle]

If its any consolation (and i dont at all want to be patronising but i imagine having your daughter stillborn at 20 weeks is a very different physically to 13 weeks) although it took a long time to kick in, the first contractions to the birth took about 15 minutes - that bit was mercifully quick so i could concentrate on trying to find some peace with the situation. The nurse who cared for me told me this was quite common.

I dont know what to say other than matter of fact advice... you know as well as anyone this cruel cruel journey and you just have to do what you need to to get through. If you ever need to vent though feel free to pm - but if you arent already i strongly recommend the ARC charity forums as i put upthread for mums like us who have had to make this heartbreaking decision (if you can even call it that). It massively helped me to process my grief.

[spilttheteaagain]

It's not patronising primarynoodle, I'm hoping it will be quicker, easier. It wasn't too long even at 20weeks. Took about 4 hours in total from pessaries to delivery and for the first 1.5 hrs nothing happened. It was only unbearable for less than an hour in terms of constant double peaked back to back no pause in between bastard contractions. The idea that that part may well be significantly faster is hugely appealing. Fingers crossed it will be straightforward. Thank you

[mrsjskelton]

How awful for you. I hope you have family around you for support. Please remember that there is no way for this baby to come into the world and you ARE doing what is best, you ARE bearing the responsibility as a mummy. Your hormones will be making it hard to let go but with help and support you will be able to deal with this. The very best of luck to you X

[KittyandTeal]

Thinking of you today. I hope it's quick and as a painless as possible.

[OTheHugeManatee]

Thinking of you today OP

[CallieTorres]

hope today isnt too horrific x

[primarynoodle]

Thinking of you today spilt

[CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt]

Thinking of you

[YouBastardSockBalls]

I'm so sorry OP. Thinking of you

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

I'm so sorry

[spilttheteaagain]

Thank you all. It was a long one, several doses of misoprostyl before I managed to progress beyond period pain, but the baby was out by about 7.30, placenta came intact mercifully and not too much bleeding so I was allowed home in the night. Much less painful than the first time thankfully. The super strong antibiotics made me very woozy and then I threw them up which improved things a great deal. Couple of dodgy doctors/nurses at the start but after the shift change we got a wonderful nurse who was with us for the important part and really helped. I felt very sorry for her after she'd dealt with my vomit, wee, blood & diarrhoea (drug side effect, humiliating when you are forced to use bedpans!). Nil by mouth for 12 hours wasn't much fun either.

The baby was just amazing, completely perfect minature hands, fingers, nail beds, toes, little nose and mouth, just beautiful. It was all curled up clutching it's toes and holding it's feet up to it's mouth almost as if it had been or would be sucking it's toes. We could see the anencephaly very clearly but it wasn't scary, the spinal cord was exposed at the back of the neck and the skull missing all across the back, poor little love. We've tucked it up in a baby shoe box in a muslin with a little teddy and it's gone to the mortuary pending burial in with DD1 as soon as we can arrange it.

Feeling quite peaceful now and I actually slept well once home for the first time in a couple of weeks.

[CallieTorres]

You sound like you're coping well my love x

[CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt]

Glad you're feeling peaceful and wrapping her with a teddy sounds just perfect. My thoughts are with you. Take care and v best wishes for 2016 X

[CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt]

Sorry - I referred to your baby as a her, when re-reading your update I've realised that you hadn't used "her". My apologies and I'm glad you got to see your baby xx

[Hopelass]

I'm so very very sorry you are going through this

[NoMilkNoSugar]

Glad you got since sleep last night. So sorry that you are going through this xx

[KittyandTeal]

What a beautiful image of your baby. He or she sounds very cute.

I know what you mean about seeing the 'anomoly' and it not mattering somehow. Dd2's Edwards was mainly internal issues but you could see her small chin and overlapped fingers clearly. I was worried about feeling repulsed or not loving her as much but it was totally different when I finally saw her. She was perfect, despite her abnormalities. They were a part of her and I love all of her.

I strangely also slept really well after having dd2, some of the best sleep I've ever had!

You know how it all works now, it's a horrid, dark time. I'm thinking of you. Please do what you need to get through and try to be kind to yourself

[YouBastardSockBalls]

What a brave woman you must be OP.

Your baby sounds beautiful. Wishing you lots of strength

[spilttheteaagain]

That's fine coffee, DH & I kept autopiloting to "she" as well, having only had girls so far, it just seemed normal as it were, but we've no idea at this stage. Chromosone testing will reveal that in due course possibly amongst other things.

kitty yes that just how I feel. The baby was perfect, even though it wasn't, it was beautiful & was mine and it would have been a very loved wanted family member if circumstances had been different.

I think it's the sleep of utter exhaustion and also of the anxiety/worry/fear/stressing etc being over. I don't need to fret about physical complications or the decision or anything now, it's done, it's over, it's now about the adjusting and the feeling and I'm sure that will come but for now I feel relieved and peaceful. It is a bit odd though, I was beside myself with grief after DD1 in such a dark dark place, this feels different, peaceful is the only way I can describe it. Long may it last I guess!

[DragonboysMum]

Oh spilt, I'm so very sorry
I don't have anything useful to say, I just didn't want to read and not say anything at all.
Sending you love and hoping you get all the support you need xxx

[JoMalones]

Oh spilt 💐
Your baby sounds absolutely beautiful. How lovely that you saw her. I'm glad you got some sleep xx