I've lost my baby

[SeriousStuff]

Not really looking for advice at this stage, just some hand holding. 10 days ago, I had some spotting, Went to EPU and they could see a yolk sac but no heart beat. Could've been too early (around 5-6 weeks) so they booked me in for another scan next week. I'm away at my parents' and last night I started to bleed heavily. Somehow managed to get an appointment at the EPU here and they confirmed an incomplete miscarriage (at nearly 8 weeks). I am completely and utterly devastated. The Dr didn't help things by being an utter a*se about it but that's another story, and I will be making a complaint against him.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I want my baby back. My DH and the rest of my family who are here for Christmas have been lovely and have helped distract me but I'm so, so sad. I don't think I've ever felt this sense of loss before. We have so much going on over the next week - a friend's wedding, people coming to ours on NY day, and I don't want to see anyone outside my immediate family. I want to feel pregnant again.

I hate the fact that I'm bleeding so much. Every time I go to the toilet I keep wondering, is that my baby? I'm wearing these hideous sanitary towels and it just all feels so undignified.

Sorry if this is all sounding melodramatic but it genuinely is how I'm feeling right now. I have a DD who's 2 and have just finished putting out her presents for tomorrow. I just want to enjoy Christmas day but I just feel empty.

I'm so sorry.

Just to offer some sympathy, OP.

You are similar to me, DS is also two and I miscarried last week, I was around six weeks. Keep hoping that I'm actually still pregnant but I know I'm not, been bleeding lightly for ten days.

It's hard because obviously we are with with family as it's Christmas, I've been avoiding drinking too much wine and coffee because I want to start trying again, but I think they think that I am actually pregnant at the moment. Cannot stand the scrutiny and questions. 'Oh, why aren't you drinking?'. Etc. Grrr. Fuck off.

It's hard isn't it, being a woman? All this shit we go through, not just physical but emotional too.

to everyone.

I'm not sure how I did it, but I got through today. I had some light bleeding this morning and cramps so I don't know if this means things are starting naturally. I was terrified that it would happen whilst everyone was here and I'd ruin Christmas, but, thankfully, it didn't. I cooked breakfast for 6 and dinner for 12. I was jolly and excited for dd. I laughed and ate and entertained the family (my parents and the ils know and were lovely, the rest don't yet because I didn't want to ruin Christmas or have a weird atmosphere). Now everyone is gone and dd is in bed I can fall apart again. really scared about what is going to happen and I wish i could be seen by the hospital sooner than Monday. I'm surprised at my own strength. A week ago, I would have told you that I couldn't handle something like this happening. Yet here I am, utterly bereft, heartbroken and gutted, but still standing . Just.

I can't believe how many of you have responded, especially considering it's Christmas day.

Loki, toffee, berries you have my heartfelt sympathies - I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I can hand on heart say I have never felt so sad in my life. Never thought it would ever happen to me.

berries had a major meltdown last night all I kept thinking (and saying) was "I want my baby back". I'm not sure when the baby stopped developing but I would've been nearly 8 weeks when it was confirmed yesterday.

My daughter and her cousin have certainly kept us busy and entertained today but I've felt detached a lot of the time and have had to leave the room to cry on a number of occasions. Luckily, because everyone knows, it means that it hasn't been overly awkward and everyone's been so great.

I've had a few drinks as I want to feel "normal" again but I just feel guilty that I can and would gladly give up alcohol forever if I could just have my baby back. I miss my nausea, the exhaustion, my incredibly sore breasts...

I dread the end of this Christmas period. January can be depressing at the best of times but I'm just worried that it will hit me even harder then. I wish I could take a couple of weeks off work but I'm self-employed and simply can't afford to xx

Loki toffee and elderberries, so sorry for your losses too. Hope today wasn't too trying for you all.

Im so sorry to hear of your loss, I can't comprehend what you must be feeling, God bless you!

I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost my little one 2 Weeks ago at nearly 17 weeks and bereft is the perfect word to describe it. I'm also massively grieving for my Dad who died 4 months. I had a cry yesterday just before Christmas dinner at my in-laws because I wanted to be with them and my family.
Everyone here is wonderful and I've felt like they've been here to hold my hand whilst I've been going through this. The best advice I've been given it to be kind to yourself to yourself, know things are difficult right now and remember all feelings are right and natural, look after yesterday the way you feel is right for you.

Belfry that's a lot to have to deal with in such a short period. Thinking of you x

serious I'm so sorry that you're going through this, especially at this time of year. I'm glad you have your family to comfort and take care of you, but make sure you get space whenever you need it.

I lost a baby at 8 weeks in January. Heartbreaking. I'll never forget that feeling. I also took great comfort in my DS in those very dark days, plus support from these boards. Invaluable.

I'm now 36 weeks with a baby that is due almost a year to the day that we lost our second one. I know it seems odd to talk about that to you at this time, but please know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Miscarriage is a horrendous time, but I promise it will get easier for you and although it won't stop hurting, the hurt will ease.

Much love

serious hopefully it's not an intrusion me being here, your post is just so sad I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. And to everyone else on this thread who's struggling at the moment. to you all.
I've had 3 MC, 2 MMC at 13 and nearly 11 weeks and an early MC at nearly 5 weeks and nothing is ever quite the same afterwards. I had my first MC at 19 and never quite regained that happy carefree 'before' self. It takes a lot of time and a lot of healing, physically and mentally, and everyone is different in how they cope.
My second MMC was also terrible timing - I had an emergency op for haemorrhage 2 days before DD's birthday - and it was so bloody hard to be cheerful and happy for her bday and her party (over 2 seperate days) when i was not only emotionally knackered, but physically knackered from massive blood loss!
For me it helped to count my blessings. I know it's a cliché, but I focused on the good things in my life - my lovely DD and DH, my health, our life together as a family, albeit not the one I'd expected to have. It stopped me completely sinking in those dark early days. It took quite a few months and I wasn't there yet, but I could see a time when I would be resolved that if we only ever had DD, it would be ok.
As it happened I did fall pg again, as you know, and it's been fraught but touch wood seems to be ok so far. But I know if the worst did happen yet again, I would survive, and sooner or later I would be ok. And I will always be so lucky to have DD, my little bright star.
Anyway I'm rambling a bit but you're not alone, and I know it doesn't feel that way at the moment, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, whatever form it comes in. Please please PM me if you'd like to. I will keep thinking of you, and elderberries and the others on this thread. Am not religious at all but will keep you in my thoughts.

Thanks coco. It's helping to hear other people's experiences. I have a wonderful DD and I'm surrounded by close family until tomorrow, and that also helps xx

Thank you all for the support - incredibly, a week later and I can see a life beyond this. I will never ever forget the all encompassing feeling of grief and it has changed me forever but it's finally bearable. Had a very positive follow-up scan from very understanding and empathetic hospital staff.

Plus the night before the appointment, I passed the sac so at least I wasn't still wondering if I had missed/lost it. This is where it gets a bit strange though - I couldn't flush it down the toilet so it's currently double bagged and in a tupperware box in the freezer. Is that normal?!

DH has been amazing - hasn't questioned it, doesn't think I'm mad. I just explained that I didn't know what to do with it and didn't want to be rushed into a decision.

Hi
I'm not normally compelled to post in forums but I desperately need to share my own experience.
I miscarriaged on Dec 17, four days before our 12 week scan.
The trauma, physically and emotionally, is almost too much to bear. The uncontrollable blood, cramps, tears, exhaustion, anger, fear and deep sense of loss has been juxtaposed with seasonal fucking goodwill. All I have thought is "I want my baby back, I want a bump, I want to be pregnant."
It was unplanned and I was frightened of having my first baby but gradually felt excited. Now I just feel empty and useless.
I have been sleeping lots, crying lots and trying as hard as I can to be nice to myself. I've accessed a counsellor through my life and I will see her next week - kind of like a guy rope to help me through rather than falling apart.
Im trying not to be angry with my body but it's really hard as is ignoring the unanswerable question 'why?'. Not only that but I want to shout "FFS! This is SHIT!!!"
I feel very alone despite having wonderful friends (many of whom have experienced loss - some greater than mine and further along) and an awesome fiancé who has been amazing. I feel guilty for letting him down is that normal?
I am dreadfully sorry for the loss shared in this thread. It's so awful and I want you to know I feel your grief too. I wish we could speak openly and publicly about miscarriage but it's like a dark secret that you only know about if you know someone has been through it or you disclose it.
I am sorry to ramble. I have found this forum very comforting xx

Devon I am so, so sorry for your loss. As I've mentioned previously, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I agree about it not being discussed openly enough - maybe it's a generational thing and it will take time? I had to cancel a dinner party for 12 last week because of it, and I actually told everyone why (even those who I don't know very well), because I thought, well if my grandmother or dad or sister had died, I would tell them that was the reason so why should I have to lie about this? I was so overwhelmed by their lovely responses and messages of support - so it was worth saying it.

I hope your counselling helps - it really does help to talk in my experience. Also, just giving yourself as much time as you need to recover. I'm very lucky that DH has been super patient with me so I was able to just take that time rather than worry that I had to put on a front and grit my teeth, when all I wanted to do was sleep or stay in the house and eat cr*p xx