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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Remembering our lost babies this Christmas

75 replies

OTheHugeManatee · 21/12/2015 15:37

I was supposed to be three weeks from giving birth this Christmas. Only I'm not. I lost my baby at 9 weeks, back in the summer.

I've been okay with it, mostly, over the last few months, throwing myself into work and back ttc. But Christmas, with all the celebrations for the birth of a very famous baby, and children all excited and families celebrating has just brought it right back to the surface.

I never knew my baby's sex, but I think of her as a little girl called Frankie. I just wanted to say: Frankie, wherever you are, I still think of you. DH and I loved you, for the few weeks we hoped we'd get to meet you. I hope one day we'll have a baby of our own, but I'll never forget you.

for anyone else out there coping with miscarriage/pregnancy loss and struggling with it this Christmas.

OP posts:

Loki17 · 25/12/2015 23:23

I'm waiting to miscarry my baby. I should be 11 weeks today but we found out on Wednesday that the baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks. we had the scan so that we could tell our families on Christmas Eve. Instead I had to tell my parents and ils that we were waiting to miscarry. I have a 4 year old dd so ive had to try and be jolly and happy. I cooked breakfast for 6 and dinner for 12. I don't know how, but I've managed to get through the day. Fell apart first thing when I started bleeding but it stopped and I held it together.

Original poster

OTheHugeManatee · 26/12/2015 09:56

Loki Hope you are OK. I am sorry for your loss and for your having to cope with it through a supposedly festive time.

OP posts:

GoApeShit · 26/12/2015 12:35

Loki Sometimes I just cannot fathom how life can be so cruel as to steal away so much happiness in one tiny moment.

So sorry to everyone who is going through such raw emotions at this time of year.

ayria · 26/12/2015 15:42

I read this thread the other day. I'm so sorry for everyone here.

I lost my baby 2 days ago, on Christmas Eve. So I spent all Christmas Eve crying, put on a face yesterday but as soon as my son was in bed I burst into tears. And I still feel crap now. I can't comprehend how I'm meant to let go. I thought I was around 9 weeks, but the baby looked older, maybe 10/11 weeks.
The day before Christmas Eve I started to have another heavy bleed, I didn't want to think anything of it though it was really unsettling at the time. I woke Christmas Eve with a dull pain, went to the toilet and it happened. I couldn't bear to let it go so my partner got a container and I laid it inside. We're going to bury the baby with some flowers tomorrow. I still don't think I'm ready to do it tomorrow. Really all I wanted to do is keep it with me forever, but I know I can't. How do you let go?

It's horrible. I feel empty, my belly isn't a slight bump any more. No one knows except my partner's family. It's still my baby, it looks perfect, had everything but I have to say goodbye when I don't want to. I'm on my own at the minute as my partner has taken my son to his dad's. Yesterday was too much so I stayed home. I just wish the baby was still inside me.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 26/12/2015 15:52

Loki and ayria - huge amounts of love to you.

I don't know how you let go. I don't know if you ever do. It gets easier to pretend you have - the problem with miscarriage is people don't see it as a real loss, so expect you to be sad for a few days then be back to normal. But it's just nit like that.

KittyandTeal · 26/12/2015 15:55

So sorry to everyone going through it right now.

Ayria - letting go is the hardest bit. Leaving dd2 in hospital is still the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Having a spot with her ashes and a plaque makes things a bit easier. I know lots of people here have bought a pot with a plant in it to bury their baby in. Then you can take it with you if you ever move.

spilttheteaagain · 26/12/2015 15:56

Oh ayria I am so sorry love, I can feel your pain in your post. I don't know the answer, but you never really let them go, you carry them with you even after you've lost the physical ties. Thinking of you. I wish you weren't going through this x

Loki17 · 26/12/2015 18:03

So sorry Ayria. Your loss sounds so cruel. I'm experiencing a missed miscarriage. I haven't passed my baby yet. I should be 11 weeks but baby stopped growing at 8. I've had a little bit of bleeding yesterday and today but it is starting and stopping. My tummy has really swollen up which feels even worse because I really look pregnant now. 3 + weeks feels like a really long time to have continued being pregnant after the baby died. Is there anything I should be on the lookout for in terms of complications or other issues? I hate this so much.

Original poster

OTheHugeManatee · 27/12/2015 13:18

Loki - hope you are doing ok. I'm very sorry for your loss.

I do think you should see a doctor about the swelling as well, that doesn't sound good.

OP posts:

GoApeShit · 27/12/2015 16:39

How is everyone today?

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 27/12/2015 16:53

Loki have you spoken to your doctor?

Today I'm mostly surviving on Christmas food and good coffee. I have family coming down tomorrow, including a baby, and will need to smile and coo. Then next week we have Christmas dinner with my parents, where my nephew will be - and that seems to get harder rather than easier. Cried last night on DH and he was as supportive and lovely as he has been throughout the last few difficult months.

How are you doing Ape?

GoApeShit · 27/12/2015 17:04

I'm doing well thanks elf

I am fortunate enough to have a DS and be pregnant again. The experiences and strength of some of the ladies on here...incredible.

Loki17 · 27/12/2015 17:34

I've got an appointment at the hospital tomorrow and my tummy seems a little less swollen today. starting to get a bit of pain now so wonder if this is the start

RoTo72 · 27/12/2015 17:57

Hi all. Have been reading this thread over this past couple of days. I should be 16 weeks tomorrow but found out 5 weeks ago tomorrow baby had passed. This has been an absolutely awful Christmas. I put a smile on my face for my son and my parents came for Christmas dinner. I cooked, kept glasses filled and played the hostess with the mostess. Christmas night I had a bog wobble. Dd was upstairs engrossed in a new play station game and oh and I were having a quiet glass of.wine after my parents went home. I admitted I thought I did the wrong thing having an erpc and letting the hospital bury r angel. I felt id abandoned her. Oh said the most lovely thing, he said it didn't matter where she was buried, she would be playing with all the other angel babies. He also said we could go to the graveyard and dig up a piece of soil from the lost babies garden and keep that in a little urn. Ppl r saying next year will be better, but I know I wont wake up on the 1st January and feel ok.

Loki17 · 27/12/2015 18:05

I feel like I am forever changed, Ro. I know time will help to heal. I know I am strong and ill get through this. I don't want to wallow or be defined by it. But, I also know I will always be just a little bit sad. I now know a pain I always feared but never was able to imagine before.

RoTo72 · 27/12/2015 18:40

Oh I absolutely feel defined by it. I don't feel one bit like myself at all. Feel like I don't know myself anymore. I always felt sorry for women who miscarried but could never imagine this intensity of pain.

JoMalones · 27/12/2015 19:55

I know what you mean Ro and Loki. I could never imagine this and now it has changed me forever. I think that's why people don't understand it and I'm trying not to take it to heart with some people's comments. The only people that understand how I feel are the ones that have been through it.

I miss me and the hope. I feel like I've shrunk by a few inches and I can't walk tall. I'm so grateful for my DC but I will always grieve for this baby.

3littlebadgers · 27/12/2015 21:02

Oh ladies, just caught up with what has been happening on the thread. I think you are all amazing.
No, no one can understand what we are going through, but something I have found surprising, not in a bad way, since losing my little Azra, is that even us grieving mothers, suffer in different ways and gain comfort from different things. Our pain and loss is the thing that binds us together, but we can support eachother by sharing our experiances, maybe something that one of us has done, will bring comfort to the others.
Please remember that a part of your baby will always be with you. Studies have shown that even after a baby has gone, a few of it's stem cells remain in the mother forever I like that thought.

RoTo72 · 27/12/2015 22:49

I read that study too. X

KittyandTeal · 28/12/2015 08:55

Badgers I love that fact, it got me through many dark times thinking I have a bit of her in me still.

Loss absolutely defined me for a long time, it took a lot of hard work in counselling to re define myself as me and as a mother who has lost a baby.

I'm not the old me anymore, however, I am a new, better I think, me. My loss is not the entirety of my being anymore but is a huge part of me. It feels more comfortable now. I talk about it a lot. I'm still working on it, I flipped at a friend who felt he needed to keep his scan a secret from me to save my feelings. I shouldn't have done, I should have explained in a better way but it's still a big learning curve, not just for me but for my friends too.

ayria · 28/12/2015 20:41

I like that badgers I thought about that, too.

Our little baby is resting now. We buried him or her (we both felt 'him') earlier. We couldn't do it yesterday as I started to bleed heavily and couldn't really walk. We wrapped our baby in one of my son's old baby blankets and said 'goodnight, we will always love you'. I never thought I would spend this time picking out flowers for my baby. I look at the planter now and think I don't want a planter with flowers, I want my baby. But I find comfort in the fact that I had the chance to see and hold our baby before we let them go and have something to remember our baby.

I told my mum and both sisters. They cried with me. My eldest sister told me you always remember them and they never get replaced. Both my sisters have been through it. She said it's painful and hard but I need to be a big girl now as no one can take the pain away. My baby is up there with his or her cousins now. I know this baby will always be my 2nd baby and I've come to accept that I wont ever let go. I feel lost right now. I want the time I was pregnant back. Feel like I can't possibly wait to try again, I'm meant to be pregnant now. I will probably cry when I have my next period. I feel frustrated and angry that my baby was taken but I know there was nothing that could have been done.

New Years is not going to be fun. I thought I was going into 2016 with a baby.
for you brave ladies here.

3littlebadgers · 29/12/2015 03:35

Ayria the way you helped your precious baby to rest sounded so beautiful that feeling of 'I never thought I'd be doing ...' Is strong isn't it? I get that so often even months down the line. 'I never thought I'd be visiting my child's grave.'
New Years will be hard for us all I guess, but we are still taking our children into 2016 with us, we will still be so full of love for them, they will come everywhere and everytime with us.

Be kind to yourselves ladies x

KittyandTeal · 29/12/2015 15:40

Aryia I remember the sheer anger I felt at having to choose flowers for dd2s service. Luckily I'm fairly good friends with the florist who did them, I raged at her about how I should be picking out double fucking buggies atm not deciding on flowers for a coffin.

I couldn't even think about trying again until after my due date. We tried for a while but I've realised that I'm just not in the right place, I don't think I ever will be. Lucky really as I probably can't have anymore which would be heartbreaking if I'd not reached the conclusion myself.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 29/12/2015 21:28

I had such a vivid dream last night. I was at my upcoming gyne appointment, and the doctor told me unfortunately there was nothing he could do, because I was pregnant with twins, and everything would be fine. I saw them on the screen, heard their heartbeats.

I was on such a high when I woke up this morning for a few seconds, and then it hit me... Just a dream. I've felt odd all day.

ayria · 14/01/2016 20:31

KittyandTeal Thank you, 3littlebadgers it has brought some closure to know I'll have my baby with me always.

Elf I had a dream a few weeks back, that I could feel a heartbeat in my belly, my hand on my stomach. I could see it so vividly. But then... I woke up.

At the beginning of this month I found myself a bit angry with people's responses to my reactions to it and bringing in the new year. But my partner has told me it's a different experience for everyone and now I've decided to stop trying to convince them that I lost a life, my baby. They know but yet they don't know, if that makes any sense. I just have to let it be.

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