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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Original poster

Remembering our lost babies this Christmas

75 replies

OTheHugeManatee · 21/12/2015 15:37

I was supposed to be three weeks from giving birth this Christmas. Only I'm not. I lost my baby at 9 weeks, back in the summer.

I've been okay with it, mostly, over the last few months, throwing myself into work and back ttc. But Christmas, with all the celebrations for the birth of a very famous baby, and children all excited and families celebrating has just brought it right back to the surface.

I never knew my baby's sex, but I think of her as a little girl called Frankie. I just wanted to say: Frankie, wherever you are, I still think of you. DH and I loved you, for the few weeks we hoped we'd get to meet you. I hope one day we'll have a baby of our own, but I'll never forget you.

Flowers for anyone else out there coping with miscarriage/pregnancy loss and struggling with it this Christmas.

OP posts:
3littlebadgers · 24/12/2015 19:41

Smile the hug helped x

TheMasterMurderedMargarita · 24/12/2015 19:51

Peace and Flowers.
Heartbreaking and so very hard. Xxx

KittyandTeal · 24/12/2015 20:00

Flowers for you badgers. We've kinda gone through this together. I'll be thinking of Rose and all the other babies not with us tmrw while I watch dd1 enjoy her day.

I guess we just learn now that all celebrations will be tinged with sadness

3littlebadgers · 24/12/2015 20:08

[waves at Kitty] thinking of you too tomorrow x

TinyTear · 24/12/2015 20:31

Even though I have mh two daughters, I will always think of the one that had a due date of Xmas day 2010... That was mc1 and ended up with 5 MCs overall...

If it hadn't happened j wouldn't have dd1, wouldn't have been that egg, that sperm... But I always have a quiet though on Christmas day

JoMalones · 24/12/2015 20:42

Thanksbadgers xx

My mother bought an angel decoration for our tree.

I really don't want to celebrate tomorrow, this week has been so crushing.

spilttheteaagain · 25/12/2015 12:39

Thank you for this thread Flowers

Thinking with fondness and love of my DD1, born still at 20 weeks 5 years ago, loved and missed every day. You changed me little one, and you made me a mother.

And holding close my little bean, all tucked up inside, who will only be with us for a little bit longer. I will be having a TFMR on New Year's Eve due to anencephaly, an incompatible with life condition. Baby will be 13 weeks. Much love little one, we are so sorry xxxx

RaisinGirls · 25/12/2015 12:55

Raising a glass to my first lost baby who would have been almost two - I found out my baby had died at 12 weeks. And also raising a glass to my baby number three - I should have been 30 weeks pregnant this Christmas. Glad that I remember them and they are part of my family and are loved xxx

lonelystarbuckslover · 25/12/2015 12:55

split how heartbreaking for you. Much love at this very difficult time

In January I learned I was pregnant with what would have been my first DC. The first thing I said was 'Christmas is going to be so good this year'. I had a MMC and lost the baby in February. I remain devastated. To top it all, DH and I have split up so it's unlikely I'll become pregnant again while all around me are having babies. It's the most miserable Christmas I've known, not that that matters, because it's been a miserable year

Love to all, miss you angel

spilttheteaagain · 25/12/2015 15:07

Such pain and sadness on this thread. Elf I know exactly what you mean about feeling broken Sad

The acute pain does soften with time, you get used to it and the sickening shock passes, I know this from DD1. I also know that life now has a bittersweet edge to it, there is often sadness and grief, and usually it trips you up at an unexpected point, but that almost becomes something comfortable and familiar and I wouldn't now make it go away even if I could, because it is what I have left of her. The depth of the loss is the depth of the love, and it is part of me.

We got the anencephaly diagnosis yesterday. I have been brave facing for 4 year old DD today but just crumbled in the kitchen and have come to hide upstairs and have my first cry for this little baby. It hurts.

3littlebadgers · 25/12/2015 16:19

Oh Split Sad there are no words, just non, go with your feelings my lovely, sometimes it feels like that is all we have left.

The presents are all opened, the meal is done, the grave visited, dc's are looking tired and DH is getting ready to go out to work. Soon I will be all alone with my thoughts and my empty arms. The thought is terrifying. I'd give anything to have my tiny girl in my arms, she'd be 9 months now. In a few hours I could sit down with a cuppa and flick through the photos of her first Christmas. I did take a picture for her today, of her little present on her grave, a tiny bear to sit amongst the flowers and get wet in the rain Sad

ProbablyMe · 25/12/2015 16:25

Today would have been our little Rowan's first Christmas, lost at 16 weeks in January. I am now 19 weeks pregnant with our little Edward but the pain ever goes away.

ProbablyMe · 25/12/2015 16:26

Split I am so sorry. There aren't enough words x

spilttheteaagain · 25/12/2015 16:50

((Badgers)) you sound like a right trooper, well done for getting through for the dcs today. You must be exhausted. I know just what you mean about the fear of being alone with your thoughts. I feel guilty every Christmas that we've not been to DD1's grave, it's not possible if we are going to be with family. I hate to think of her feeling forgotten, she very much is not. The image of a bear in the rain is so desperately sad Sad, sort of encompasses it all somehow.

Deep breaths ladies, it's just another day, and thank god it's nearly over tbh.

3littlebadgers · 25/12/2015 17:02

Split, the grave note rings so true. Next year we will not be able to go, DH's work means we have to move overseas in the summer. I hate the thought of her little body being alone, of her little grave being left and looking all unloved, even though my love for her won't change. Knowing that there is one less thing I can do that is 'her' breaks my heart. Flowers for your babies x

GoApeShit · 25/12/2015 18:53

God this is heartbreaking. I don't know how some of you ladies do it. My heart goes out to you and your babies. You are amazing.

I had a little cry when DH went to the pub last night, but I've been ok today. Seeing DS having a wonderful day was just lovely.

Not sure what to do with the thought that this new baby might arrive on or around the day we lost our last one. It's also due on the day my little brother died. Life does very strange things sometimes.

Love to you all tonight Flowers

3littlebadgers · 25/12/2015 19:23

GoApe, I cannot imagine the emotions that will stir up for you. I imagine when your precious angel baby, and brother, see you care for the new baby they will see the love you have for them shining through too. I wish you all the best x

GoApeShit · 25/12/2015 19:26

Badgers Flowers What lovely words. Thank you x

spilttheteaagain · 25/12/2015 20:02

GoApe I expect there will be a range of very complex feelings for you in the next few weeks, dates can be incredibly poignant and powerful triggers and obv you will have a lot of hormones whooshing around as well. Be gentle with yourself, there is no right or wrong, but do take time to feel or grieve if you need to. There's always someone to listen on here. Best wishes for your new baby's arrival Flowers

Gosh badgers that will be very hard having to move. Is it temporary or permanent? I hope you are able to find peace around that. I don't know if you have anyone who could look after and tidy etc her grave for you? So hard feeling so much love and having so few outlets for it.

KittyandTeal · 25/12/2015 20:19

Spil I'm so sorry, how awful for you. I had a tfmr after a T18 diagnosis. I can answer any questions if you have any.

We went to her spot yesterday and left some bits for her. Today I made sure we all stopped and remembered her (my pil are desperate to 'sweep it under the carpet') I had a bit of a wobble but pulled it together.

I've not had any time today to reflect but I'm sure I will later

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 25/12/2015 20:33

It's been a tough day. I spent time with both sides of the family, young nephew on both sides. Hardwork at moments.

Have been thinking of you ladies. Hope today has been as okayas possible. X

spilttheteaagain · 25/12/2015 20:40

Thank you Kitty. I admire you hugely, I've read a number of your posts about your DD2 and seen the support you've offered on the boards. Having had DD1 at 20 weeks I've sort of done it all before, I've elected to have a medical termination this time which is exactly how they managed the late missed miscarriage so I know the drugs, the routine etc. The difference is being a bit earlier in the pregnancy they will put me in a gyne ward rather than labour ward, and obv at the start of the procedure this baby will still be alive Sad which was not the case last time. I will admit to being a bit nervous about seeing this baby knowing the problems that it has but I want to. I want to see about getting DD1's grave reopened so we can put this baby in with her. I assume we have the right to make arrangements for the burial of our baby if it's "only" 13 weeks, but I will check that when we go in.

I'm sorry your PIL do not get it. We endured a lot of that sort of thing with DD1's loss, it's very isolating and made me very angry for a long time. Wishing you peace.

sparechange · 25/12/2015 20:52

Flowers and thoughts for you and your babies.

We lost our son in March this year at 20 weeks. I've spent all of today wondering what his first Christmas would have been like.
After 4 more rounds of IVF, we found out at the start of November that I was pregnant again and were so happy to have a little bean to celebrate Christmas with us.
Sadly we found out on Monday that I had a MMC. My heart is broken in a million pieces but I hope one day I won't hate Christmas as much as I do today.

novemberchild · 25/12/2015 22:36

Badgers and split - I am so sorry for you both.

I discovered my baby had died on December 11th, probably a few days earlier because I stopped feeling pregnant on the 8th. I was about 11 weeks pregnant. There were some markers of chromosomal problems, and I was also under a lot of stress.

I have his (?) little scan picture. Just his sac and yolk, but it meant a lot to me. And a box with that, and the two positive tests that gave me so much joy and hope.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 25/12/2015 23:05

I'm so sorry we all understand each other.

I have nothing from either of my babies. I only had positive tests, I threw them away after I started to bleed... Not sure I regret it or not.

I'm very drunk tonight, watching shitty comedy and playing Cards Against Humanity with DH. Laughed until I cried. But know once he's asleep later I'll sob into my pillow.

Thinking of you all.x