Miscarriage at 17+4 & at a complete loss!

[SandyBeachGirl]

I'm just so gutted...after TTC for 4.5 years, 3 miscarriages & 3 rounds of IVF that nearly killed me from OHSS, my pregnancy actually went beyond that magic 12 week period. We didn't tell anyone until 13 weeks & only then (just family) because we went to a family wedding where it would be obvious I wasn't drinking.

I passed a large clot but no blood/pain (like I had with my previous miscarriage at 9weeks) at 15+5 weeks & spent the next day getting checked out. My baby was completely fine, good heart beat & everything looked fine so I went home happy. I decided to tell my friends at 16+1weeks but then on the same day, I suffered from 2 gushes of blood. I tried not to panic and told my midwife at our appointment 2 days later. Again, she checked the heartbeat that was good and strong.

However, at 17+3 I passed lots of large clots and had quite heavy bleeding but still not pain. The hospital checked me out at 17+4 and everything looked fine. Good heartbeat, we even saw him drinking on the scan. Come 6pm, I had another gush of blood and started suffering from period type pains in my lower back every 5minutes or so. This was joined by pain down the front/outer sides of my thighs. Turns out these were contractions but felt nothing across my abdomen. I put up with this for 3hours, by which time I'd gone into shock & my body was shaking uncontrollably. We went to hospital where I was given pain relief that didn't touch the sides. I delivered my baby around midnight & was told he didn't have a heartbeat.

I just can't get these words out of my head. That & being asked do we want a funeral/burial or cremation. I took the rest of the week off work & then went on our planned tour of California. However, I've now come back to reality feeling at a complete loss. I have just much grief that is just bubbling under the surface that won't come out. I have the odd cry but feel so down like my life has no purpose. I'd planned a lifestyle change once the baby had come etc but now these plans have gone to pot. I wish the world would stop! DH doesn't seem to understand how I feel, he thinks there is no point in getting upset over things you can't change. People keep telling me they've had miscarriages & know how I feel but this is different to my other 3. I actually had to deliver him & request him to be cremated!! I'm switching between feeling upset, down & angry (not jealous as I wouldn't wish this on anyone), whilst feeling lost/nothing about which direction I need to go in personally/work wise.

All miscarriages are awful to experience, I'm just to tired of having to pick myself up & put a smile on my face. It's only been 4 weeks but I just want to shut myself away & not socialise with a fake smile on my face :(

so sorry to read about your little baby and your struggles with it.

my first baby was stillborn at 36 weeks due to a knot in her cord. loosing a baby is the worst thing to have to go through. feelings of utter failure, guilt, all your hopes seem to vanish. life does seem darker.

all I can say as some one who has been through it is to go with your own feelings, be gentle with yourself, its a long journey and you don't have to be back to how you were any time soon. it doesn't matter that your baby was 17 weeks or 28 weeks or even 6. though I have had two early miscarriages and they are a little different to later miscarriage and stillbirth. to be honest I think they should all be known as stillbirth after say 12.

the ladies over on the bereavement boards are wonderful if you need some support.

Op
We have moved this to our miscarriage topic - Kindest kindest wishes to you

I'm s sorry for your loss. What an awful journey.

We lost dd2 at 22 weeks. She was diagnosed it's T18 and we opted for a tfmr. It was, and still is, devastating.

I have had quite specialist counselling to help come to terms with things and get my grief out. I was stuck for a while and, like you, it was bubbling under the surface.

I don't have any helpful advice really, except everyone is different. Don't feel you should feel or grieve in the same way as others.

Personally I found our hospital debrief very helpful. We opted not to have a post mortem as the amnio had given us a full diagnosis.

Have you had any contact from sands? They're wonderful. Did the hospital give you anything to go in a memory box?

We asked the hospital to arrange dd2s cremation and we have her ashes and a plaque in our local sands garden.

Again, I'm so sorry you've been through this.

Thank you for your lovely words. We have been offered counselling but not taken it up (yet). I had a bit of aelt down with my parents during the week but think it helped get the anger out. I'm still hugely upset & don't think you ever get over a miscarriage, no matter at what point you lose it. We're now waiting on the results from the Dr's which will give us direction as to where we may now go (ie further IVF, adoption etc). I hope all of you ladies the best of luck & fairy dust should you try again. I cannot put into words how much I appreciate everything you have all kindly said to me. I'm feeling very positive right now, so thank you all once again