I'm just so gutted...after TTC for 4.5 years, 3 miscarriages & 3 rounds of IVF that nearly killed me from OHSS, my pregnancy actually went beyond that magic 12 week period. We didn't tell anyone until 13 weeks & only then (just family) because we went to a family wedding where it would be obvious I wasn't drinking.
I passed a large clot but no blood/pain (like I had with my previous miscarriage at 9weeks) at 15+5 weeks & spent the next day getting checked out. My baby was completely fine, good heart beat & everything looked fine so I went home happy. I decided to tell my friends at 16+1weeks but then on the same day, I suffered from 2 gushes of blood. I tried not to panic and told my midwife at our appointment 2 days later. Again, she checked the heartbeat that was good and strong.
However, at 17+3 I passed lots of large clots and had quite heavy bleeding but still not pain. The hospital checked me out at 17+4 and everything looked fine. Good heartbeat, we even saw him drinking on the scan. Come 6pm, I had another gush of blood and started suffering from period type pains in my lower back every 5minutes or so. This was joined by pain down the front/outer sides of my thighs. Turns out these were contractions but felt nothing across my abdomen. I put up with this for 3hours, by which time I'd gone into shock & my body was shaking uncontrollably. We went to hospital where I was given pain relief that didn't touch the sides. I delivered my baby around midnight & was told he didn't have a heartbeat.
I just can't get these words out of my head. That & being asked do we want a funeral/burial or cremation. I took the rest of the week off work & then went on our planned tour of California. However, I've now come back to reality feeling at a complete loss. I have just much grief that is just bubbling under the surface that won't come out. I have the odd cry but feel so down like my life has no purpose. I'd planned a lifestyle change once the baby had come etc but now these plans have gone to pot. I wish the world would stop! DH doesn't seem to understand how I feel, he thinks there is no point in getting upset over things you can't change. People keep telling me they've had miscarriages & know how I feel but this is different to my other 3. I actually had to deliver him & request him to be cremated!! I'm switching between feeling upset, down & angry (not jealous as I wouldn't wish this on anyone), whilst feeling lost/nothing about which direction I need to go in personally/work wise.
All miscarriages are awful to experience, I'm just to tired of having to pick myself up & put a smile on my face. It's only been 4 weeks but I just want to shut myself away & not socialise with a fake smile on my face :(