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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

On announcing mc "Well I'm sure you'll have another"...

39 replies

Dye2014 · 13/11/2014 20:22

... Must be one of the most tactless things to say.

Firstly this one was an accident. Therefore no; no we may not try again.

Secondly I'm in pain and my pants look like a bloodbath. The thought of going through this again is horrifying.

Thirdly dh is grieving too. I'm not sure my vagina is of huge interest right now.

I'm sure there are more. Most people say 'oh shit, I'm sorry etc'. There's no right answer but it's up there with 'just relax' for infertile couples....

No need to reply really. Just emotional right now!

OP posts:

flipwit · 13/11/2014 20:28

Sorry for the loss of your baby. Xx

CaptainAnkles · 13/11/2014 20:31

Sorry for your loss People can be thoughtless

ByTheWishingWell · 13/11/2014 20:33

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I miscarried when I was 19 (had been with my then boyfriend a couple of years, and was an accidental pregnancy). My dad came home to find me lay sobbing in my mums lap. She told him that I had been pregnant, but that I'd lost the baby. He looked straight at me and said, "oh. So are we looking at this as a good thing or a bad thing?"

Some people just don't have any tact. Don't feel that you need to reply politely.

3littlebadgers · 13/11/2014 20:35

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it is just horrible and unfair and you have every right to be emotional. People don't know what to say, they want to help you, but don't realise that actually just acknowledging your grief and your shock is proberbly the most helpful thing to do.

mineallmine · 13/11/2014 20:42

I'm so sorry. People are stupid and for many, unless they've walked in your shoes, they just don't get it. x

ZingOfSeven · 13/11/2014 20:49

oh sweetheart I'm so sorry for your loss.
big hugs to both you and your DH

Original poster

Dye2014 · 14/11/2014 00:08

Thanks all. I've had some great texts. Best from my brother "shit"

. I appreciate that. No apology just the damn truth. It is shit.

OP posts:

Happypogostick · 14/11/2014 00:21

I am so sorry about your baby.

Some people are fortunate not to have a clue what they are talking about. The things you mention are hurtful.

I agree, don't feel you need to be polite.

Life is hard enough without these comments.

Original poster

Dye2014 · 14/11/2014 00:28

The worst was actually from my cousin whose wife went through IVF

He uttered the sentence in the op.

He's not a dick but honestly what a stupid thing to say.

OP posts:

bakingtins · 14/11/2014 08:23

Your brother had it right, it is shit. I'm sorry you are gong through it. People are trying to make it better by finding an "at least" but it really doesn't help. There's a great film on YouTube illustrating exactly this point called RSA shorts - The power of empathy.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 14/11/2014 08:27

My mum said about my MC "ahh well, you are young and you do already have dd"

Oh. Ok. I'll just tell my emotions to buck their ideas up then shall i?

Sorry for your loss, OP. Take care and rest up x

ouryve · 14/11/2014 08:28

Your brother sums it up, so well

ZingOfSeven · 14/11/2014 08:39

Hacked

snap. my MC was my 5th pg.
I heard from "oh well, lucky you already have kids" through "maybe it's Nature's way of telling you to stop" to "it's not a big deal - loads of women have MCs"

but by far the worst was when in tears and total shock I told my best friend we lost the baby and sge replied "oh I'm actually happy for you, I was so worried how you'd cope with five"
she is no longer my best friend

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 14/11/2014 08:42

Zing

Original poster

Dye2014 · 14/11/2014 09:48

Oh my goodness - there's the winner. Bloody hell zing

OP posts:

mineallmine · 14/11/2014 10:43

bakingtins That's a great film and I can think of many many people I'd like to show it to - I had lots of failed IVFs and heard 'At least you have ds, lots of people would love to be in your shoes' constantly, and mostly from my mother who thought she was helping. It took me lots of counselling to be able to allow myself to think, no I'm not bloody lucky actually so fuck right off with your 'at least.'

zing Holy cow! How could anyone be that fucking stupid.

Dye2014, hope you're feeling as ok as you can be and that your other children are giving you loads of hugs and kisses.

PacificDogwood · 14/11/2014 10:45

It IS shit - so sorry you are having to deal with this

Doobledootch · 14/11/2014 10:52

Sorry for your loss Dye2014 and a big hug, some people just really don't know when to keep their thoughts to themselves.

I've also just had a miscarriage, it was also an accidental pregnancy and we're unlikely to deliberately try again, it is totally shit.

I can't even bring myself to talk about it with anyone because I know they'd just think it was a good thing because in terms of everything else going on in our lives at the moment the timing was so ridiculous.

Only1scoop · 14/11/2014 10:52

So so sorry Op and yes 'shit' says it all I get that simplistic answers just sum it up....

We lost just before last Christmas at 17 weeks...."so sorry but could have been far worse....you know what I mean"

Now "shit" I can relate to.

SignoraStronza · 14/11/2014 10:53

Sorry for your loss Dye. When I mentioned to my mum that I'd had a mc, her response was to tell me she thought I was going to lose a bit of weight first and anyway, where would we put/how could we afford a third?

When I called my father to ask for a bit of advice about how to support dd1 academically (ex teacher) he asked me why I would want another one if I couldn't handle the ones I'd got.

Needless say, my parents only found out when they noticed at about 20 weeks, at which point my mother congratulated me. I refused point blank to discuss the pregnancy and didn't accept any offer of help after the birth.

Thankfully my mil is ace!

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 14/11/2014 12:26

So sorry you're going through this. It's shit.
I am about to miscarry but haven't yet. I'm waiting. A couple of people have said to me "Maybe the scan was wrong and it'll be fine." No. No, it won't be. I'm not deluded. It's so unhelpful to try and give me some hope when I'm trying to accept what has happened and prepare for what is about to happen.
I guess it's all kindly meant though. There isn't any right thing to say.

ZingOfSeven · 14/11/2014 12:56

Dye

sorry, wasn't trying to "trump" your pain and hurt, but I just couldn't stop myself.
people's stupidity knows no end.
as if loosing a baby wasn't bad enough, you have to deal with all the awful comments too.

sadly it's crap no matter how and when it happens.

ZingOfSeven · 14/11/2014 12:59

Guy

so sorry as well.

big hugs to all who have lost precious little babies.

Original poster

Dye2014 · 14/11/2014 13:49

Yeah big hugs all round. This thread is actually really helpful. X

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 14/11/2014 13:53

Oh, Guy, I hope you get through this at least physically as easily as possible

Dye, it has been my experience that talking about MC is really helpful - just my choice, I know, not everybody's cup of tea. But I was amazed how many people came out of the woodworks with their own experiences of MC/s when I was quite open about mine (when appropriate, I don't go on about it over after dinner mints! )

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