Missed MC at 20 week scan

[SpanielFace]

I had my 20 week scan today, although I'm actually 21+1, and there was no heartbeat. The baby is measuring 16 weeks so has been dead for some time. We're devastated, we have a 21 month old DS but this was a much wanted 2nd pregnancy. I've been worried that something was wrong - my bump felt softer than last time, I've been feeling really well since 14 weeks which was not the case last time, then I've had a tiny bit of spotting after sex this weekend, but had convinced myself it was nothing and just usual pregnancy jitters.

I have to go in tomorrow for a tablet, then on Friday for induction with pessaries. I just wondered, has anyone else been through this? I'm worried about the pain (I had a CS last time as DS was breech so nothing to compare with) - the thought of painful labour & no baby at the end is awful. Will I be able to see the baby? Should I, if it died 5 weeks ago? Will it even look like a baby, or will it upset me more? What happens to the baby afterwards? - I hate the thought of them being treated as clinical waste when they were a real little person, if only for a few months.

I'm feeling quite numb at the moment, just want the next few days to be over so we can start to come to terms with what happened. Obviously don't know the baby's sex, but somehow I had it in my head that it was a girl, and if it was we were going to call her Lucy. I'd started to picture a little female version of DS, and can't get my head around the fact that she (or he) has been dead inside me for over a month. :-(

Again, I'm so sorry. What you did was very brave and you can be so proud you did that for him.

I bet he was just beautiful. What a lovely name as well.

Sending you love and gentle thoughts, and of course a big floaty kiss for your angel. The other angel babies will keep him safe for you x x x

What a lovely name. Bless you little Alex.

I remember the total numbness ....the tears would flow and flow.

Rest as much as you can and look after each other.

I'm always here my love....pm anytime also.

Thinking of you all x

So sorry.

Thinking of you x

Spaniel - you are strong and amazing. Alex is lovely. Thus post us to wish you strength over the next few months when the reason for your sadness will be invisible.

So sorry for your loss - thinking of you and your DH

How beautifully you have written about your lovely Alex. Thank you for sharing his story with us.

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts x

Spaniel, I'm so sorry to read about your loss.

Alex sounds like a beautiful little boy. I'm heartbroken for you.

Take care. Thinking of you and your family.
x

Thanks all. Physically I feel fine, but I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster over the last few days. I alternate between feeling ok and like I'm coping, and consequently feeling guilty about it, to bursting into tears with no warning. We went out to a local craft fair today because I was desperate to get out the house and do something normal, then felt guilty because had a nice time. Then came home and the wave of sadness just hit me.

I am trying really hard to be normal with DS but am finding I have a very short fuse when he is playing up, which of course is more than usual at the moment. Came really, really close to smacking him today over something relatively minor (the usual nappy changing battle), and shocked myself. I just saw red, but managed to stop myself from doing anything silly, then burst into tears afterwards. I guess it's all going to take time. DH is going into work tomorrow, but I'm going to go to my parents for the day, so I won't be on my own. My mum in particular has been brilliant.

Just wanted to check in and say thanks for all the nice messages. I'm doing ok, I think, overall. But it's going to take a long time to be normal again.

Shit. Milk has come in overnight. It's not fucking fair. I feel like a child saying that, but it's not.

Oh Spaniel....I'm so sorry did they give you the tablet to suppress it?

I remember just existing getting through the first few weeks. Don't be hard on yourself for being snappy or for needing a break. You are likely to go through just about every emotion in one day at the moment.

Had been wondering how you are doing. Glad you are getting support from your family at this awful time.

Thinking of you

No they didn't, they said they prefer not to, that if it happened just to wear supportive bras and not express, and it would be gone in a few days. I'm not as engorged as I was with DS, but he'd been feeding about every hour for 36hrs by this point, and was desperate for some proper milk, so I guess that's not surprising. It feels like my body is physically hurting for a baby to feed. I'm up and supervising DS eating toast, but just want to go back to bed & never get up again.

Thanks for your kind thoughts - I know it's going to take a while. It's not like any bereavement I've experienced before, although thank god I've never lost anyone really close. But it's just so personal, isn't it? No one else can really understand.

Seems unfair they didn't.... it would have been one less stage that could have been physically avoided. I'm so sorry you have that to deal with as well.... it must be awful.

Don't put expectations on yourself now ....just take each day as it comes.

I was a little reclusive for the first month or so which probably didn't help me. I just couldn't face people to begin with.

I promise you time will heal. We will never ever forget our tiny babies but we learn to deal with our loss and the emotions surrounding.

Have you support from the bereavement midwives....I found ours amazing. Please accept support when and if you need it. I'm always here to chat also.

X

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I had a similar experience 10 years ago and felt as though I was losing my mind. Everywhere I went there seemed to be pregnant women and small babies. As well as the overwhelming grief, there are so many milestone dates to get through - what should have been the rest of the pregnancy, due date, anniversary of when the baby died, of delivery...

Feel like I'm going crazy. It's almost 1am and I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about little Alex, and last week, and all the things I'd thought about he future that will be different now, even if we have another baby. I don't want another baby, I want Alex, safe & well & healthy. I will probably be up with DS at 6am and I'm going to be exhausted, but I just can't switch off. My poor little boy.

I'm so worried it was something I did, or some way that my body failed, that caused this to happen. After having DS I had post-partum thyroiditis, and now have an underactive thyroid. It affected my weight before I was diagnosed and they got it under control, and I've gone from a tall, slim-ish size 12-14 to a size 18. I've been under consultant care this time, and my thyroid has been well controlled, but what if it was a factor? Did I forget my tablets one day and not realise? Was it to do with my weight? I know thinking that way won't help, but it's driving me mad.

How can I ever be normal again? I've always been a happy, positive person, and in many ways I think it's because I've been lucky and have led a charmed life. How can I ever be that person again? Is there always going to be something missing?

Sorry, I've read that back and it's really self indulgent. But I feel like I'm going to pieces here, and it helps to write it down.

I'm so very sorry for your loss :( There are no words but know that I am thinking of you, and there is always someone listening on MN. Alex sounds beautiful, and will always be missed, but maybe in time the pain will become less acute.

Oh sweetheart. Many of us have driven ourselves crazy wondering what we could have done differently to prevent a mc. It's like we need to justify it somehow. I'm sure you know deep down that this is nobody's fault, but of course in the middle of the night, suffering insomnia, unwanted thoughts will often torment us. Remember it is very early days and your emotions will settle in time.

Can I suggest night time rescue remedy which can help calm your mind if you're struggling with switching off at night x

It's nothing you have done.

It really isn't.... That probably doesn't help much at the moment. I agonised for hours wondering if I'd caused it all....looking for answers and reasons ....speak to the bereavement midwife if you feel up to it and let her know your concerns. She can reassure you.

Spaniel I'm so so sorry for what you are going through.

Please be kind to yourself

Spaniel are they doing a post mortem on Alex? Or is it classed as a miscarriage because it was technically at 16 weeks?

If the latter, then in the absence of things like placental abruption or PE, then there is nothing anyone could have done. It's one of those heartbreaking things, and would have been set in stone from the day the sperm met the egg.

That doesn't make it any easier to bear of course.

I recently found out that although the reason my daughter died wasn't my fault, with more immediate action on my part, she might have been saved. That is hard to bear. But daily, I bear it, some days I don't even remember it, and we get through.

Just like you will get through this. It's possible there will always be something missing, there is for us, a huge hole in my family. But over time, the edges of that hole soften, and the rest of the family slowly start to cover it up. It's always there, but less raw. More of a scar than an open wound?

Of yourse you want your Alex, that will never change. He is your second wee boy, your second child, and that won't change either. If the day comes that you do want another, that will be your third child, not a replacement in any way. And if that day comes sooner than you think, don't feel guilty. Sometimes rainbow children (baby after baby loss) are the only thing which help us to heal. Filling those empty arms can be a great comfort, and I hope that DS1 will be a help there.

I'm rambling a wee bit now, but I wanted you to know that your feelings are totally normal, and not self indulgent at all. Again I would direct you towards sands forum for more specialised support and advice.

You will be normal again, I promise. Over time, you will find your 'new normal' - and it will be ok. The day will come when you laugh and enjoy yourself, and even better, the day will come when you laugh and enjoy yourself without feeling guilty afterwards.

It's early days yet and you will still have the flood of hormones to contend with along with your grief. Be gentle to yourself, and keep posting x

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.

Slithy, yes they are doing a post mortem. I'm finding myself hoping that they find something, some rare chromosome disorder that meant he would never have lived whatever I did, but not one that is likely to recur. I know that's really unlikely though, and the chances are that they won't find anything.

I ventured out today with my mum, went and had lunch in a department store cafe and did some shopping. I thought I'd enjoy it, and my mum kept trying to buy me things to cheer me up, but it was so hard, pregnant women and tiny babies everywhere. The worst, worst moment was in the cafe, when DS was smiling and waving and generally making eyes at an older lady at another table. She came over as she was leaving, admired DS and his gorgeousness, and then said "Are you going to be a good boy for your mummy when your little brother or sister comes then? I bet he's going to be a big help isn't he? You'll be getting him changing nappies before long, won't you?". All innocent chat and I'm sure she'd have been mortified if she knew. But I clearly still look pregnant, and it's just awful to know that I'm not. I went to the loos and cried, then thought I was ok, then ended up in tears again in the changing room, and then went home. So not going to go out again for a while!

I've made an appointment with my gp next week. I need to talk about my thyroid, and when I next need a blood test, but I think I'm going to ask about counselling. No one has mentioned it to me, but I'm assuming something must be available through the nhs?

Thanks to everyone for your replies. It definitely helps to feel less alone.

They might not find anything - but actually if that's the case it's not a bad thing, certainly could be a positive for future pregnancies. Wait and see, and whatever they find, again Sands forum will be able to help and advise as there will be someone who has experienced the same thing.

I requested counselling after Gabrielle died. It took a while to come through and wasn't useful because all I was feeling was normal. Grief, guilt, anger, and lots more grief. I would still request though due to the time it can take.

The only and best advice I can give is to take it gently. Don't do things because you feel you should or because others tell you to. If you feel like you want to hole up at home (and someone will take DS), and cry, then do so.

I would also when discussing with your GP, get the longest sick note you can (6-8 weeks), as it will take the pressure off. It would be useful too if DH could get some bereavement time or dependants time off work, even if it's just a week.

Be kind to each other and yourselves and you will get through. Once the physical reminders stop, once the postmortem is back, and once you are able to say goodbye to your little boy, then you will be able to start finding your new normal. Until then, it's a miserable limbo (or was for me) and there is no shame in just coping however you can.

And as ever, keep posting. I'm thinking of you

Unfortunately I'm a self employed locum, and don't get sick pay. So I'm going to have to go back sooner rather than later, I've already missed 6 days work which has a big impact on our income. Think I will have to return next week really. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but it might do me some good to do something normal.

That's my thoughts about counselling, Slithy, I don't know if it will help when I'm sure it's normal grief that I'm experiencing. But I do wonder if it would help to talk to someone unconnected.

I slept better last night, but still very tired today. I think it's just going to be that way for a while, isn't it?

Yes it will, your body has been through what is essentially a trauma and will be fighting to recover. And grief is mentally and physically exhausting.

Sorry about your work. Hopefully it will be a decent distraction x

I've just seen this and am really glad (not the best word but there you go) that you were able to meet your baby. The MWs advised us not to see DD1 but I am so glad we did. We knew from scans that she wouldn't look normal and she really didn't look as bad as we were expecting.

As for your thyroid, it is really very rare for it to cause problems, especially when it is well controlled with tablets. There is the possibility, I'm afraid, that you might yet get post-partum thyroiditis again so you really need bloods done about 6 weeks after Alex's birth to see if you need a dose adjustment.

With counselling, the bereavement midwives often have leaflets of local organisations, such as SANDS that can help. I found talking it through with people who were a bit further on than me in terms of dealing with things, even if sometimes I just cried, but it meant I could say things I was feeling really guilty about ("Why is she pregnant and I'm not?") to someone who had been there.

Hope you sleep a bit better tonight.

I'm just over 2 years down the line and on my second rainbow pregnancy (sorry) and I still can't handle newborns, especially girls, and I can't cope with other people (who I know, strangers don't bother me as much now) being pregnant.

Maybe I never will. It's normal.