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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

Missed MC at 20 week scan

83 replies

SpanielFace · 27/05/2014 23:13

I had my 20 week scan today, although I'm actually 21+1, and there was no heartbeat. The baby is measuring 16 weeks so has been dead for some time. We're devastated, we have a 21 month old DS but this was a much wanted 2nd pregnancy. I've been worried that something was wrong - my bump felt softer than last time, I've been feeling really well since 14 weeks which was not the case last time, then I've had a tiny bit of spotting after sex this weekend, but had convinced myself it was nothing and just usual pregnancy jitters.

I have to go in tomorrow for a tablet, then on Friday for induction with pessaries. I just wondered, has anyone else been through this? I'm worried about the pain (I had a CS last time as DS was breech so nothing to compare with) - the thought of painful labour & no baby at the end is awful. Will I be able to see the baby? Should I, if it died 5 weeks ago? Will it even look like a baby, or will it upset me more? What happens to the baby afterwards? - I hate the thought of them being treated as clinical waste when they were a real little person, if only for a few months.

I'm feeling quite numb at the moment, just want the next few days to be over so we can start to come to terms with what happened. Obviously don't know the baby's sex, but somehow I had it in my head that it was a girl, and if it was we were going to call her Lucy. I'd started to picture a little female version of DS, and can't get my head around the fact that she (or he) has been dead inside me for over a month. :-(

OP posts:
fuckinglondonballs · 28/05/2014 16:53

I think taking guidance from your midwife is sensible OP. There is information online but I don't think it will necessarily help you anyway.

I hope everything goes smoothly for you.

jnl - am so sorry to read that, you made the right decision for you at the time. x

turdfairynomore · 28/05/2014 17:14

My best friend lost her first twin at 17 weeks but he "blocked the exit" for a few weeks until his sister died at 23 weeks and both were born. My friend and her husband saw and held both babies. There was a difference in condition but it wasn't enough to make her not want to see both. She had photos and hand prints etc taken and they now stay in the twins' memory box along with the boxes their ashes were in. Those boxes are very precious and it was the hugest honour of my life-on a par with being asked to be godmother to their elder daughter-that they were shared with me. Take care of yourself. Let others take care of you too. Friends are like sticks-easily broken if alone but strong when held together.

slithytove · 28/05/2014 18:54

The skin may be macerated. But the midwives can wrap baby in a blanket with a tiny hat and let you know if you will be ok. I have seen sleeping babies at all gestations after varying periods of death, and none have shocked me. They are all beautiful loved babies.

If you choose not to see her, you can still get photos done to look at in the future, or never. At least then you have the choice.

The best advice I can give is that, no matter how strange or wrong it feels at the time, if you want to do something, then do it. Whatever helps you get through it. I would say that even if your DH doesn't agree.

My daughter died at term during labour, and I have so many regrets about what I didn't do. However the things I did do (holding, photos, cremation) I am grateful for.

slithytove · 28/05/2014 18:59

I would also really consider contacting these people
www.facebook.com/LittleThingsangelclothes?fref=nf
They are lovely and caring and make sure that no angel goes to heaven without being clothed.

Perhaps also take your own blanket/toy for baby. These are all things I did/wish I did.

francesthebadger · 28/05/2014 20:03

Spaniel I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss.

I lost a baby under very, very similar circumstances a few years ago. It's a shocking thing to experience - my heart goes out to you and your family.

Although I felt overwhelmed approaching the delivery, in fact the experience was oddly healing. We had very sensitive care from a midwife (same one throughout). As much pain relief as needed (which proved to be not very much). It was a long, long day, but oddly intimate. All the health care professionals we saw handled the situation with gravity and respect which was comforting, and validated our sense of loss.

The hospital will give you choices after the delivery. See how you feel in the moment? For us, they carefully wrapped the baby and placed in a Moses basket: there was nothing upsetting or distressing to see, and I think it helped us with the reality of the loss. The hospital will help you to make arrangements - please don't worry. Like Slithy says, you might also want to bring a special blanket from home to leave?

Thinking of you.

Original poster
SpanielFace · 29/05/2014 08:10

Thank you.

The contractions have all stopped overnight. I took some strong codeine/paracetamol (left over from a back problem last year), and knocked myself out, so I was able to sleep. It's nice that they've stopped, but I'm actually disappointed, I just want this horrible process over with as soon as possible.

This morning I thought I was ok, but then have been crying in bed before even getting up, I checked my phone and the daily email that Zulily send out was there, with pictures of baby clothes, little sleepsuits and frilly dresses... I just really, really want my baby Sad DS is still in his cot, awake chatting to himself and playing with his teddies, but I need to pull myself together and get him up. DH has gone into work, I think he wants some normality. My mum is coming over but won't be here until 11 (she is over an hour away) so it's just me and DS until then. Need to get my "coping" head on. He is playing up at the moment, lots of attention-seeking naughtiness. Hardly surprising, he's not even two and it must be really unsettling seeing mummy go to pieces. I just feel so bad for him, I love him so much but just want to stay in bed.

Thanks for the suggestions about Friday. I don't know if the baby will be too tiny for clothes, but we are going to take a little blanket along for them. I still haven't decided about cremation. DH wants to have the ashes back so we can scatter them somewhere lovely. I'm just worried that because we are having a post mortem, it will be weeks before that can take place, and I don't know if I can cope with that. We're going to talk to the chaplain on Friday, neither of us are especially religious but I need to know exactly what will happen if we let the hospital make the arrangements.

Thanks again for the support. I can't talk to anyone in real life about this as no one I know has been through it, so this is really helping.

OP posts:
Universal · 29/05/2014 09:20

Just take one day at a time. You will always want and grieve for your baby but it will get easier to deal with over time. When it happened to me I wasn't nearly as far along as you but I really didnt feel up to facing the emotional side of things until I been through the physical side.
Just do what is right for you and your family. I hope you find the strength to get through today.

Universal · 29/05/2014 11:14

Hope your mum has arrived ok and you are coping. Thinking of you.

CanISayOfHerFace · 29/05/2014 11:26

Thinking of you. I think you're being very brave Thanks x

regularbutpanickingabit · 29/05/2014 11:52

I am so so sorry. Thinking of you all

Questionsquestionsquestions123 · 29/05/2014 12:06

So sorry OP, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. Such a tragic time but you will get through this :( x x x

deemented · 29/05/2014 12:08

I am so sorry for your loss. It's really not fair Sad

If you do feel you want your baby to have something to wear, ask your bereavement midwife if they have anything from Lisa's Stars - they are a charity that deliver very tiny baby clothes for babies born too soon all around the country. I'd be very surprised if they didn't have anything from them.

I hope everything goes as well as these things can. Thinking of you all.

slithytove · 29/05/2014 17:23

The Facebook link I sent is a charity who make clothes for tiny angels. They are lovely and have a quick turnaround.

Sorry I didn't make that clear.

BoredOfFootball · 29/05/2014 18:49

Thinking if you today Spaniel. I'm so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you and your family.

Try to deal with each hour as it comes. Don't worry about work or other people.

Take care of yourself xx

C0smos · 29/05/2014 18:56

So sorry for your loss

Original poster
SpanielFace · 29/05/2014 19:53

Thank you all xx

I have started bleeding now. Sad Hoping it's all over as soon as possible. Going in tomorrow at 8.30am, unless things start happening sooner.

Slithy, thank you for the link, and so sorry about your baby. Thanks

OP posts:
slithytove · 29/05/2014 20:23

I have been thinking of you spaniel and will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Do absolutely anything you need to in order to get through this.

Take pride in the things you are doing for your baby - a mum truly is the strongest, bravest person there is.

Please continue posting for support if needed. I don't sleep much at night so will be here to chat if you need it.

Thanks I hope tomorrow passes as gently as it can.

Only1scoop · 29/05/2014 20:33

Spaniel I will be with you in my thoughts tmrw and a little prayer if that's ok.

Take care

ShoeWhore · 29/05/2014 21:03

I'm also thinking of you spaniel Flowers

DippyEggNSolders · 29/05/2014 22:41

Thinking of you spaniel xx
Your DS will be fine, he knows you love him and won't remember or know how you're feeling. You look after yourself for now, others can look after DS (dh, dm, dsis) They will be feeling helpless so ask them to give DS lots oh attention, that can be their job for a few days x

Original poster
SpanielFace · 30/05/2014 16:10

Hi all,

Baby Alex was delivered at 12.45am this morning. I never got as far as needing to be induced, he arrived about 30 mins after we went to hospital, so I was so glad we'd gone up there when we did. I had some pethidine but actually the delivery was a lot less physically painful than I'd expected.

He was tiny, about the length of my hand including my fingers, but perfect. Tiny little fingernails and ears and everything. He was too small for clothes but they had a little soft pouch and a tiny Moses basket for him, and we were able to spend some time with him and say our goodbyes. The chaplain came and did a little naming ceremony and blessing, and he will be cremated. There will be no ashes to scatter as he was so small, but we're going to plant a tree for him.

We're home now. I've cried so much there are no more tears, and I feel strangely hollow. DS is at his grandparents, and I don't know what to do with myself really. DH has been amazing, and it's made me love my little family more than ever. Going to take time to recover from this though.

Thanks for all the support and advice of the last few days. Mumsnet is great at times like this. Thanks to you all xx

OP posts:
MakeTeaNotWar · 30/05/2014 16:18

So so sorry for your loss x

fuckinglondonballs · 30/05/2014 16:51

Thinking of you and your DH, Spaniel.

You don't need to know what to do with yourself... Just be and take each day. Thanks

ots · 30/05/2014 17:01

So sorry xxx

Chottie · 30/05/2014 17:01

I know I'm coming in at the end, but I just wanted to say how very sorry I am too. Flowers