Another birthday :(

[Catlover2014]

Hi ladies,

Sorry to post but I just needed someone to talk to. I turn 34 today and I feel dreadful about it.

DH and I have been TTC for five years and after finally conceiving twice this year I have lost both babies at around 10/11 weeks. I don't want to celebrate my birthday but I know friends and family will expect me to pretend I'm happy.

All my friends have had babies and my sister in law will have a baby on July, just a week apart from me in due date from my 1st pregnancy. I'm happy for them but utterly dread facing the reality of it.

What I'm wondering is will it ever get easier to accept that I probably won't ever be a mum? Has anyone else considered adoption? My head's spinning :(

X

I'm sorry I can't really advise, but I wanted to give you a big virtual hug. I'm so sorry for your losses.

5 years must seem like a lifetime of TTC, but at 34 you still have time. Have you had any investigations to find out why you miscarried?

Thank you :)

I've had no mc investigations as of yet. The hospital said I had to have three to have a content analysis but the consultant has agreed to do blood tests for antibiodies, thrombophilia, thyroids and cypogenetics. I can start those in about three weeks time and they'll take about 6 weeks to come back but like always with infertility it feels like it's taking forever!

Just hope things are different next year. I just want to have a family so much and I've had enough of waiting lol!

Xx

Your post really resonated with me cat. I'm about to turn 33 and have been ttc for just over 2 years, so not as long as you but I do know that every bloody month that goes by feels like forever and just another lost opportunity, another failed chance to become a Mum. I had a miscarriage last November and despite naively hoping that maybe after conceiving once it'd be quicker next time, not a dickie bird since. My EDD is approaching next week and I'm just in a total flap about whether it's ever going to happen for us. Adoption is in my head but I'm not ready to think about it yet. All my friends have totally leapfrogged me in starting their own families despite us starting before they did, and I also have a sister in law due her second a week after my EDD. It's pretty hard to deal with isn't it?

Have you had any investigations into the causes of your previous infertility?

Anyway, I just wanted to say sorry for both of your losses, and I hope you got through your birthday OK.

Hi raindrops,

I'm sorry to hear about your mc and the difficultities you're going through. It is so so hard to see others start families and the more desperate you become the harder it is to cope with.

Both my pregnancies were as a result of fertility treatment. Only ovulation drugs and progesterone but it took years to find that BFP formula and then to lose them was devastating.

Have you had any fertility investigations or treatments? I too am considering adoption but it's a hard road. Hopefully we can all prop one another up on here.

Wishing you lots of luck and sticky beans for your next pregnancy.

XXX

Cat you poor thing, I hope your fertility clinic are having a re-think on what to do for you next, that must have been so hard. We haven't had any medical intervention of any sort yet, but I am already sort of pinning my hopes on medical science fixing it for me when I know it's just not that simple!
We've both been tested for all the usual issues and have the infuriatingly unhelpful diagnosis of 'unexplained'. Obviously something is wrong but no-one can say what!

I hope you're finding the support you need on these forums, there's a lovely group I post on regularly that is only 30+ ladies ttc #1 for over a year, it's called The Berries and it's a huge support for me. Feel free to have a nose and see if you like the look of it.

All the very best to you too and I hope we're both where we want to be very soon.

Hugs to you both catlover and raindrops

I suffered a mc after TTC for over a year and then had signs of another mc after conceiving a second time. Thankfully I ended up going full term but I remember that awful feeling and the knowledge I'd have to go through that trauma three times before investigations would be started. Personally I think it's wrong and they should start after two.

Apparently the reason for this is that most women do go on to have successful pregnancies even after two mcs. That's not much comfort to someone going through it at the time though.

Hi Catlover, we share a birthday.

I was 41 on the 19th and feeling so happy because I was nearly 10 weeks pregnant with my first child. Then this week I lost it. I'd been told I wasn't ovulating so it felt like a miracle that I was pregnant at all. The loss is devastating but I am determined not to give up hope. There are so many stories out there of people who went through terrible experiences and yet had a child in the end. I know that it probably isn't much consolation but from my point of view you still have so much time. I know what it is like to obsess about being a mum and the passing of time and I know how hard it is to smile at everyone with their children. My husband and I would consider adoption but I don't know if I would be considered too old! All I want to say is please don't give up hope. Try to take comfort from the fact that you have conceived as I am. I'm writing this at a strong moment and will probably be crying over the keyboard in the next few minutes!
x

Raindrops, they are 'tweaking' my drugs and doing some mc blood tests to see if they can find any other problems. I certainly think it's worth you seeing a consultant and pressing for more tests / discussion. I was told we were unexplained for many years and it's only by pushing the case that I was last week finally told that I probably have an ovulation dysfunction (but not the stereotypical PCOS) and that is the cause of the infertility.

Thanks for your invite to The Berries, hope to see you in there. I've always been very guarded about forums but I'm beginning to accept that I need support to get through this. Fingers crossed we'll both be posting better news in there very soon!

Spring, congratulations on your baby!!! Hope you're both doing well? Really is good to hear of people who have had a positive outcome and it gives me some hope that there could be a positive outcome in the future.

Rejjie, I'm so sorry for your loss, I know you must still be in shock. You're right there are lots of happy stories out there and we must keep hoping that one day soon we will be one of them. You and your hubby are NOT too old to adopt if things don't work out though. I know of someone who adopted a beautiful 18 month old boy at the age of 44 after suffering a mc. So it is a very viable option that you can take if you need / want to!

All, I am so grateful for the kind messages and support that I have recieved on this site and while I wouldn't wish this on anyone it's so good to feel as though DH and I are not alone. I wish all the girls on here sticky beans for the near future.

x

We are doing really well thank you catlover, ds is now 14 mo. I'm guessing from your name you have cats? We have two, and they were a great comfort to me before ds came along, and have been very patient since! So glad you're finding the message forums helpful.

rejjie so sorry for your loss. In the midst of your sorrow, your message of hope is truly inspiring. A lady I know had her first baby at 45 - no idea if she had fertility treatment but of course having babies after 40 is not unusual at all now. And from what I've read on here recently, mid 40s is average age for adoptive parents.

Spring, 14 months is a great age but I bet DS is tiring you out? I can't wait for that kind of busy to be in my life.

Yes I do love cats!!! Just have the one at home and she has to accept being mothered all the time. Even though she totally doesn't want to haha! X

Yes but be warned, the time really speeds up and you won't know where it goes! I don't think I'll ever catch up with myself now, I'm in complete disarray. As for the cats, they wait till ds is in bed then they appear and join us on the couch. It's not like it used to be for them and I do feel a bit guilty, but they haven't left home so they're obviously not too disgruntled

Haha bless em. Like you say at least they've stuck around. Thanks for your lovely messages and for restoring a little hope and smile in me!

Going to hospital on Monday for mc blood tests. Just hope they don't find anything too bad.

XX

Oh you are welcome. I really hope your tests come back with useful results. I did a lot of reading on the subject at the time and the overriding message was that the majority of women who suffer mcs do eventually have a successful pregnancy. There is much to be hopeful about. Wishing you all the best and hoping to hear good news from you on here in the near future. In the meantime, keep on mothering that lovely kitty of yours x

Thanks for the kind words cat and spring, and congratulations to you spring on your lovely DS.
rejjie I am so sorry for your recent loss, and I hope you're getting the support you need at this awful time.

cat I was also wary of using public forums but they really have been invaluable for me as I don't feel able to share a lot of my inner thoughts in reality as I don't know anyone who's been through what I have. We have 2 cats, since long before we decided to start ttc, god knows how they'll adapt when we do get there (see! Positive mental attitude right there!)

I hope your blood tests go ok on Monday.

I am sure you will get there raindrops!

Thanks for your warm wishes for Monday. I hope you get your BFP and sticky bean very soon!!!

Keep in touch,

Hugs xxxx

Thank you for everyone's kind words. The days are up and down. This is my first day without my husband here so no big, strong chest to cry into this morning.

On the subject of pets; my husband and I had long discussions about adopting a dog (I won't buy puppies - too many that need a home) when I was pregnant. Our jobs had always prevented us from having one but I didn't actually do mine while pregnant, so a dog would have finally been an option. We were fretting over whether it would be better to get one pre or post baby. We have decided that whatever happens, I will not be going back to working the way I was so as soon as that is sorted, we are thinking about giving a dog a home. Pets are such a tonic, will go some way to filling the void we are feeling in our lives and will be well established when, hopefully, we have a baby. I want a child to be brought up with animals as I was.

rejjie you are quite right about pets being a tonic, they are also relaxing and therapeutic to have around (relaxation being helpful when TTC of course). A dog will also give you something else to think about and maybe reduce any pressure you may unwittingly be putting on yourselves. Just think of all those lovely walks in the park/countryside/on the beach

I wanted pets before children for many reasons, one being that I thought it may reduce the possibility of a pet allergy in the baby (no idea if there's anything in that but ds hasn't shown any signs of allergy thus far!)

Hope today is not too difficult for you without DH around. Take care x

Rejjice, I'm so glad to hear you're c

Rejjie, how are you doing?

I'm so glad to hear you're considering getting a pet it will give you lots of fun and something to focus on while you're waiting for your baby to come along :)

Hope your getting through today ok, the first month after my mc I would totally panic if my hubby wasn't around. It does get better but it takes time.

I also think reducing work a little is a good idea. You need some you time. I'm only working a four day week at the moment and it's much better. Because I have infertility too I just knew I couldn't balance it all with full time work anymore.

I've not had a good day. Lots of tears and sadness in my heart. Hope it gets better one day! Xxx

After 4-5 years of fertility problems and one miscarriage, I finally had a successful pregnancy at 34. I found Christmas harder than birthdays, not sure why. Are you continuing with the progesterone treatment throughout your pregnancy? I remember reading that people who use progesterone supplements to get pregnant then stop may have a higher risk of miscarriage and they were trialling continuing the progesterone. That was a few years ago though, so might be out of date.

Hi Daisy,

Thank you for sharing your story! Congratulations on your succesful pregnancy, great to hear there can be a good outcome.

Do you mind me asking what the fertility issues were and what treatment you had? Did you need extra support during your pregnancy?

My progesterone is supposed to be until 12 weeks when the baby enters the second trimester and doesn't need it anymore but I've never got that far. First one was lost at 10 weeks, second one at 11.

I find Christmas really hard too. This year I had to take down the decos on New Year's Day after having a scan on New Year's Eve that showed a missed mc. I doubt the decos will ever come out again unless I manage to have a child. Felt so happy putting them up 'knowing' there would be a baby next year followed by taking them down and realising there probably wouldn't be.

I hope that one day I can have a good outcome but saddly I've convinced myself there never will be one for us. I'm close to giving up but want it so badly that I know I have to try one more time.

XXX

Our issues were unexplained and DS was an unassisted pregnancy. I had done a lot of reading and had been taking a range of supplements and following the south beach diet. Who knows whether it would have happened anyway, but it did. I had a healthy pregnancy with no extra support (except a couple of extra reassurance scans) and DS was a natural labour at 39 weeks. I have no idea why everything suddenly worked fine, but it did.

It's easy to say don't give up, but you are still young, you know you can get pregnant and two miscarriages could still just be bad luck. I hope it works out for you. I appreciate DS so much and still feel lucky very day (he's 2) and I hope you are lucky soon.

Oh that's really good to hear. I'm so glad you had a good outcome after all you went through. It must have been the most amazing feeling when you held him for the first time.

I just have to keep hoping and praying that one day god sends me a baby of my own too :) xxx

While I was pregnant I used natal hypnotherapy cds, at first to relax because I was really anxious about miscarriage, then to prepare for birth. They do a conception one too, I haven't tried it, but it might be worth a go to try and feel more positive. The ones I used were brilliant.

DS was born late evening and I stayed awake all night watching him sleep, I just couldn't believe he was there!

Oh thanks for suggesting. I will certainly try that :)

Can just picture how wonderful that first night must have been. I do think after infertility or mc those first moments are sure to be even more precious.

Thanks so much for chatting to me on here. You've helped to lift my spirits and hopes.

X