It would have been my baby's due date today and I am so sad

[loopylouu]

Today has hit me harder than I thought it would and I have literally no one to talk to about it in real life.

Dh asked why I was down yesterday, so I told him and his response was just nothing. In fact last night, he was having a go at e for being miserable saying I should cheer him up because his fucking jeans were too tight and he wanted to wear them for work today.

I've dropped my older ds to school and I've got home and I can't stop crying I feel so alone.

I am 19 weeks pregnant again, I can feel my baby kicking me, but I am so sad for the one I lost. I went though hell with the miscarriage, I nearly lost my own life in the process and no one cares.

My father didn't know about my first pregnancy, we are not that close and I had him on the phone this morning reminding me that today is the 20th anniversary of my mothers death, berating me for not remembering or caring (I didn't have a good childhood, so I don't really care, I know that sounds awful).

I am so grateful that I am pregnant again, but I just keep thinking I should be sat here now feeding the baby I lost (I would have had another c section, so he/she would be here by now).

I keep beating myself up about the fact that I just left my baby in the hospital to be thrown away like rubbish. The sac and fetes were manually removed in A&E (I went into cervical shock and was blue lighted to hospital) and I had the option of collecting it, or asking for it to be buried in the hospital ground, but I couldn't face filling in the forms, my stupid arsehole of a husband wouldn't even talk about it. I was so upset, one of the doctors told us that the Chaplin did a remembrance service once a month for all the babies lost that month and my husbands reaction was 'oh, we don't have to go to that, do we?'. So I just left it and I feel so guilty.

I saw that baby's heart beating on a previous scan, it was alive and it was mine and I feel like I just threw it away.

And please don't tell me that dh wouldn't talk about it because he was upset too, he wasn't. As far as he was concerned the baby was gone, move on.

Oh I am sorry. It sounds like you feel like you are grieving on your own for the baby you lost. Just because you are having another baby now doesn't change that you lost your baby, it must be really hard at the moment.

Be kind to yourself

I don't have any wise words, I'm afraid.

Please do not beat yourself up for the decisions you made at the time.

Oh I am sorry for your loss and thinking about you. Men deal with these things very differently. I had a missed miscarriage and had a ERPC yesterday. My partner can't understand why life doesn't just go back to normal today - in fact he was upset 2 weeks ago when the scan wasn't positive, but he then 'moved on'. I think this is just a mans way of dealing- not necessarily that they don't care, but they just don't get it. Allow yourself to mourn today and be sad, but remember that better times lie ahead and that that little life wasn't meant to be, but your wee baby growing inside you is. All will be better with time. Hugs.

Hi loopylou. I am so sorry for your loss and that you feel you have no one to talk to. Please do not beat yourself up for what happened in the past. You did what you had to do at the time so don't feel guilty. It is very easy for us all to look back and say I /you should have done this or that. I am the worlds worse for this so I know it is not easy not to. Perhaps you could do something to mark your baby? A small charm for a bracelet or necklace. I would urge you to keep trying to talk to you DH and explain how you feel for all of your sakes.

Congratulations on your new pregnancy. Are you are really nervous about it? I know I was. I had my first mc before my DD and I was paranoid about every twinge. The pregnancy hormones are probably not helping at the moment either.

Sorry I am not great at giving advice (other than in person), but more than happy to listen. I do really feel for you. There are lots of people on here who are really good at listening and advice so hopefully someone else will be along soon.

Offering a big virtual hug x

Thankyou.

I think part of it is that I am so angry at dh for it all. He honestly treated me like crap during the whole process. I waited four weeks to miscarry in between finding out my baby had died and it finally happening. It was horrendous, I don't know how I coped at the time, and it was only a couple of months later that it all hit me. During that time I was waiting, it was life as normal for dh, he still expected us to go out drinking and socialising. As soon as I had miscaried, he also expected life to return to normal.

The say after I miscarried, he sat on the bed and cried, I thought, 'oh my god, at last. He's lost his baby too, he saw me almost die in our bathroom, finally, something'. Then he told me he was crying about the thought of losing his parents. How this had made him realise how losing them would kill him, how they are the most important people in his life. I asked, what about me then? And he said 'but they are my parents, I've known them my whole life, I have only known you a few years, of course they come first and I love them most'. Imagine how that made me feel.

I should have left him really. He didn't treat me well at all. I only stayed for ds and the fact that leaving would have made us homeless (dh is his step dad). After I finally miscarried he said he'd give me two weeks to get over it. I am finding it so hard now as I have never been allowed to talk about it or to show any emotion at all.

This pregnancy is terrifying for me. I am scared everyday that I will lose my baby. I've had a thousand scans, everything is ok, but I can't relax, I am so scared.

OP I am so sorry for your loss. I have been where you are and I know how painful it is.

I think it might help you to see if you could make an appointment to talk to the hospital chaplain, or your local priest or vicar?

I remember sitting in the back of the church where someone I lost was buried. I had travelled a long way to put flowers on the grave, and I was upset and tearful and couldn't face driving back.

Some women who were cleaning or arranging flowers (or something) came and comforted me, fetched the vicar, they all said some prayers and stayed with me until I felt better. I will never forget their kindness. It wasn't a formal service, but it meant so much to me.

Maybe you could talk to your GP or midwife? The grief you feel is normal and I am sorry that your husband is being so insensitive.

Xposts with your post loopylouu

Your "H" sounds dreadful. I am so sorry. I hope you find strength and support to make some decisions.

I would have liked to have talked to someone religious (lapsed catholic, not been to church since I was a child, but it's always still at the back of my mind) but I didn't know where to start. Dh laughed at me. I wanted to go after I knew the baby had died, but before I miscarried, but I felt stupid. I just wanted someone else to acknowledge my baby had existed.

My GP, who is actually a very lovely woman just said "well, it was better to lose it now, there must have been something wrong with it, losing it was better than brining up a child with problems'. Not the most sensitive words ever.

I've never seen the same midwife twice either (I've only had rushed appointments at 12 and 16 weeks where I was just grunted at) Not due to see anyone again until 27 weeks and thats only for the GTT.

I think the hospital chaplain might be a place to start.

Sorry your GP was insensitive.

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I don't have any words that will make you feel better but please know that I will be thinking about you today

Can you go and light a candle in a church today? I can't guarantee that you'll find a friendly priest, but it might bring you some peace.
for you and your lost one.

Yeah, I think I will go and light a candle today.

We went on holiday this summer when I was 5 weeks pregnant, terrified the same thing would happen again, re surfacing emotions of the last pregnancy (I had received a letter from the hospital the say before we left asking why I had missed my 20 week scan ffs) and I lit candles for my lost baby and the one I was carrying, it did help. But again, I was on my own, dh would have thought I was stupid. But it was a beautiful medieval church in Belgium, and it did make me feel better that I had done something.

Thanks for all your kind words, this is the first time I have ever even written these words down, I don't feel so alone now.

Loopy - do something today to mark The day. It's an important day and don't let anyone else tell you how you should feel or act. Your H sounds like an arsehole. Good luck with this pregnancy x

Loopy,

I can relate to what you're experiencing especially with your DH 'moving on'. For me, it's still early days as I lost my son on 26 October. Everything was perfect up until I that day when I suddenly went into quick labour and delivered him at home alive. I was 17+1 and he lived for almost 2 hours and died in the hospital. I was initially in complete shock but now it's all hit me and I am really struggling. My OH broke down as well but he seems to have 'moved on'. Although he is quite supportive and gentle but then he sometimes gets impatient as if to say 'can you not just move on'. I think it's just men's way of dealing with emotional pain. I find myself sometimes hiding away to cry when he's home as it is beginning to feel like he can no longer endure my tears. We went for baby's funeral arrangement today and because he's got Uni (he's doing his masters) and works part-time, he was rushing me to get to the funeral appointment before the time we had been booked for as he had a meeting an hour after. This made me really upset as I feel so delicate these days. I just found myself burst into tears again and he completely ignored me. We finished and he dropped me off at home and I was still in tears. I had to pick up the phone and call our well being counselling service at work and I couldn't even speak properly because I was so upset. But whoever I spoke to gave me time to cry as much as I could and then listened to me. Not that I feel any better now though, but it helped me clear my head a bit and bring me back to sanity. As for the family aspect, I can relate as well (I can send you a private message on that one as it is too deep a topic and I wouldn't like to share on here). I know I will never get over the loss of my son and getting pregnant again will not take away the pain as he CANNOT be replaced. As for moving on, I'm not sure when that is going to happen or if it ever will. Be gentle with yourself Loopy and rest assured your angel baby is watching over you and his or her siblings including the one inside you now xx

Bookie1, I am so so sorry to hear your story. 17 weeks and breathing that's absolutley heartbreaking, I can't imagine your pain.

You are right, one baby isn't replaced by the next. I am so grateful for the baby I am carrying now, but the baby I lost was wanted too.

I always hide to cry too. Mostly I wait until he's gone to work though, I am supposed to be happy and positive all the time, if I'm not, it makes him frustrated, it's not worth it.

Loopy,

It's sad I know. Men are just men. And it seems they will never get it, no matter what. On the other hand, I think they just don't like to appear 'weak' or simply can't stand the pain so they just go in denial mode as it helps them cope. But we women are sensitive and that is why we easily connect with people emotionally. And that's why we're mothers too!

Yeah regarding my loss, I feel crushed everyday. I still can't understand why it happened. Although we have agreed to a postmortem but have also been warned that there may be no answers. So this has also thrown me over and I keep thinking, for my son to have survived that long without support, surely, he must have been perfect. I have been reading and reading and wondering if I may have weakened cervix as he just came out without warning. I'm hoping we find answers but in the meantime trying to come to terms with the loss.

As for the religious aspect, I'm Christian but also been off for a long time. But I'm hoping I would find peace in God somehow through all this. I don't know how yet but I'm trying to trust again...It's a shame your DH found it funny that you seek help in church. But chin up love and seek help wherever you can, at least for the sake of your kids including your baby angel. It may give you the peace and strength you need xx

I popped into the church opposite ds school when I picked him up.

I told him we were lighting candles for his nanny and the new baby. It was nice to go actually, and it was good to have ds with me. He's just turned 11. He didn't know about my last pregnancy, I was waiting to tell him incase something happened, but we told him about this one at 16 weeks and he's so happy.

I feel a little better now. We've bought a big chocolate cake and we are going to watch a film together. He's such a caring boy and he's being so lovely to me, he can see I am upset (I've told him I am upset because of my mum).

What a lovely boy you've got. And nice to know that you did what feels right by going into the church. Enjoy your chocolate cake and film with your boy . Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy xx

Thank you - I hope you manage to find some answers as to what happened to your son.

loopy sorry for your loss . And that your DH isn't giving you the live and support you need.

I totally understand where you're coming from. I lost a much wanted baby at the start of the year and was devastated. I miscarried at home so my baby was flushed down the loo, and it's taking me a long time to get over that.

I think you did the right thing on lighting a candle for your baby. I bought myself a necklace at the time, and to mark the due date, we're planting a cherry tree as the cherry blossom near me gave me hope after my mc.

I hope your pregnancy goes well.

Loopy so sorry for your loss. It would have been my LO's due date on 18th October if I hadn't had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. If it helps at all, I felt calmer following the due date than I had done prior to it, and like I was able to start to move on. It's still tough obviously, but it gave me a day to really focus on both what I'd lost, but also on what I still have (my DS, DH, and the baby I'm currently carrying). I hope you can find strength in your family, and your DS sounds like such a lovely boy.

loopy hope you have found some peace after a tough day, and some comfort in marking the occasion with your son. Can I encourage you to get in touch with the hospital chaplain, I think it might help resolve your fears. I MC my second baby in hospital and spoke to the chaplain about it. All lost babies are cremated, and they have a monthly service to which we were able to contribute a prayer. We chose not to go, it would have been too much at the time. We also made an entry in the hospital book of remembrance. Our babies existed and were important, it helps to acknowledge that. There is a charity called "Saying Goodbye" which runs memorial services all round the country, usually in a cathedral but they are for people of all faiths or none who have lost a child, it's worth seeing if there is one planned near you.
I agree with the other poster who said once the EDD is over things do get easier. All the best with your pregnancy.

loopy just wishing you a better day today. I would suggest contacting the hospital chaplain too. I understand from personal experience where you are at the moment and I truly feel for you.

I found lighting candles helped me too. Wishing you well with your new baby