Feeling wimpy...please hold my hand

[joosiewoosie]

Hi all. I'm sorry to be here but I've read a few threads tonight and can see you are a lovely bunch, who might just hold my hand for a while? This is a very long winded and poorly organised brain dump, so I forgive you if you'd prefer to run away now!

I'm 40, was 11+6, and have been bleeding on and off for 9 days, and after my initial visit to EPU where scan showed the baby to be well, I've been trying to think positive (even though I've dreaded going to the loo).

I have a gorgeous 14 month old daughter who is the light if my life and who I suspect will be a great distraction for me over the next few weeks.

My bleeding became heavier yesterday and started clotting, so I went to a and e again to be referred to EPU, and it turns out that there was no heartbeat and baby had died inside me a week(ish) ago.

I need to let the EPU know in the morning how I want to 'tidy up' as it were. I think I'm going to go for ERPC for my own mental well being and to minimise disruption for my little girl.

DH has been good - he's always lovely. Men generally seem to be very solution focused and matter of fact. But I feel so confused at the moment and an emotional whirlwind. Before bed tonight, I was discussing things really objectively, yet I get to bed and now have just broken down while cuddling my sleeping daughter.

I came home after visiting my community midwife today and not hearing the heartbeat with the Doppler, and just made lunch for DD and I as normal. I wasn't even overly concerned about not hearing it. It was only when I started clotting that I worried properly and went to a and e. I guess I'm feeling guilty for not protecting/dealing with possibility of mc straight away.
Then poor DD was stuck in hospital waiting rooms with us from 2 til 6.30 with no tea, no toys and nothing to do. Considering that, she was as good as gold. (I was going to say an angel, but just realised that's probably more of an appropriate term for the baby still inside me )

I can't sleep. I keep seeing the picture in my head of baby all curled up and no heartbeat, and feeling waves of tears and huge sadness and emptiness. Reading these boards has been comforting and painful at the same time, and I'm so sorry for anyone going through the mill....it really is unfair and ought not to be.
But it is, and I know the sun will rise in the morning and a new day will begin. I know my lovely husband and daughter will hug and kiss me. And I know I will just have to ride this roller coaster out, but I'm scared. Scared of what was and what is to come.

If I can't get to sleep, I'm gonna be good for nothing tomorrow and DD deserves better than that.
I keep thinking of how I'm gonna tell people, and how to manage their reactions without turning into a wobbly wet jelly monster like I am at the moment. (Seriously, DH will need armbands to keep him afloat when he wakes up at this rate!)

I feel a little relieved at writing that all down. I'm sorry again for whinging on, and please feel free to read and run as I know there is nothing anyone can do to take the hurt away. But thanks for taking the time to read this anyway. Xx

Offering a hand to hold & .

Having been there I can assure you this is the very, very worst part. Uncertainty, the news is new, you're not sure how its going to work out. But it gets easier- a little bit each day.

Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. Do you have anyone to have your little one? Not because you're not doing a good job, but because you need a little time for you.

I hope you get to sleep soon .. X

I am so sorry for your loss. This has happened to me too twice so I know some of the feelings you will be going through. Holding your hand across cyber space too.

It helped me to think of the future rather than what was happening now, easier said than done though.

Remember though to be easy on yourself. This is a tragic thing, allow yourself time to grieve and to also get over the hard physical side of things. Maybe get some time to yourself and have a memorial, in whatever way you see fit, to mark this time. It may help you move on. There is also counselling you can have, if it's the right thing for you.

All the best in the next few days x

Hi Joosie - I'm so sad for you - very sorry you are going through this. As you've already seen, you're not alone and so you'll get lots of sympathy/empathy on here. I've had two miscarriages this year - last in July at 9 wks - am 39 years old.
All I can say is that don't try to make yourself feel anything or stop yourself feeling anything. In the fortnight after I found out about my latest MMC I was in the thick of it and didn't take any time off from childcare (I have two DS) or work and, in hindsight, that was ridiculous. It all came crashing around me. Feeling better now but still get very sad.

It's a hard thing but I hope you have some friends in RL who can help and be a shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to. But TALK about it definitely - that's what helped me the most. Not just on here, but out there - just sharing helps so much. It helps to make what has happened real, and also helps validate and make sense of your feelings. Also, give yourself a little time on your own (without husband or child) and do something for you - whatever that may be.
Take care, and good luck. Lots of sympathetic hugs. MM. x

Hi Hun, sending you hugs. I could have written this post myself 2 years ago. I have a wonderful ds age 5 (2 early micarriages before him)and at 39 I found out I was pregnant again only to be told there was no heartbeat at the scan. I remember crying for days, I started to bleed a week later 2 days before my 40th birthday and it was horrendous. I really don't think there is enough support out there for miscarriages. I think because they so common it's treated as the norm rather than the loss that it is.
2 things got me through 1, I must have lost the baby because it would have been poorly and that wouldn't have been fair on ds. (Tried to put this spin on it to make it easier for me to bear)
2) the midwife telling me that now for the next 6 months I'd be super fertile!
Why am I awake at this time.? Because I just fed my 8 month old ds!
I caught pregnant the following March and everything went smoothly. I was on a high dose of frolic acid (both successful pregnancies have been when on the 5mg dose prescribed by consultant) and because of my age she put me on 75mg of aspirin. So my soon to be 42nd birthday will be much better.
I know how terribly hard and sad you feel right now but please try and focus on the above and get strength from your lovely dd and husband. Good luck x

Thanks all for your lovely hand holding. It is much needed! I eventually got to sleep sometime after 4.15, so have had 2 and a half hours (which is more than I got in the early days bf-ing gorgeous DD, so I know I can survive on it today).

I've gained so much comfort and reassurance reading your posts already.
mildred it's comforting to know that this is the very worst part, so if I get through this bit, it'll get better. I couldn't face too many more nights like last night!
babykittle you are right about thinking about the future and our hopes and dreams there. I think that will be a good coping strategy when all the nasty practical arrangements are taking over by brain.
mabel I have a pregnancy massage booked for the end of the month, so maybe I'll delay it a couple of weeks more and have good old normal knock the stuffing out of you massage instead. That sounds like a nice plan to look forward to.
damash your 2 things that got you through your horrid time a couple of years ago seem very sensible and hugely reassuring to me. Especially in that if it wasn't right, it wouldn't have been fair to DD. Is it true that you are more fertile after mc or was your midwife exercising some positive psychology on you do you think? Whichever, you have your little DS right now, so I guess you prove it doesn't really matter as long as you believe it. So pleased for your happy ending x

My DD is such a smiley little girl, so that will cheer me up and keep me going. You are all right. I can let myself feel what I need to feel, but ultimately think positive. Thanks all. X

Did any of you have ERPC? What was it like? I've never been under general before, but I have to say, I think it's the only option I've half a chance of coping with. X

Hi Joosie, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I agree this bit is the worst part for me, it does get easier.

Don't worry about telling other people, how they will react etc. Focus on you and DH and your lovely daughter- even if you find yourself in floods of tears people will understand.

I have found the ERPC to be OK. They put you under in a side room,not in the operating theatre, so you don't really see anything, and when you wake up I am always relieved that it is over. Psychologically that is very healing as the waiting, not knowing how long till it will be over is very hard.

I have also heard you are more fertile, I don't know how true it is, but it helped me to think I had more chances as I am also worried about my age reducing this.

{Just a little warning that if you have started losing clots, sometimes they don't want to do the ERPC as it might resolve itself now. If you are sure the ERPC is the best route for you, stick to your guns with them and be firm. Get DH to back you up. If need be repeat 'NO. I can't cope with that option' repeatedly until they change their minds.}

Joosie I am in the same position as you. I have a 3 yr old DD and found out yesterday my baby stopped growing despite having seen a heartbeat on scan last week. I am booked in for ERPC on Friday and like you I've never been under GA before so I'm scared. I just knew I couldn't wait indefinitely for it to happen not knowing where or when it was going to start. I feel the end (physically) is in sight and once its over I can start to look forward emotionally.

I too was told after a previous natural m/c in may that you are more fertile in the following months and I fell pregnant again in the second month of trying. I'm hoping the same will happen again though obviously with a better outcome. I think it might take me a bit longer emotionally to get over this one having seen the heartbeat previously but I know we will ttc again at some point in the future - I just don't know how we'll get through those first 12 weeks of worry again though!

I hope you manage to come to a decision that's right for you and I hope we can hold each other's hands through this incredibly sad time x

Joosie I'm so sorry for your loss

I had a MMC in April this year (already have a 2 year old) and it was horrible. We'd had a good scan at 8 weeks and seen heartbeat so had told virtually everyone we know about the pregnancy. Re "un-telling" people I sent a text round, couldn't deal with the sympathy and people not knowing what to say.

I had ERPC and it was the best choice for me. No pain, minimal bleeding, and over and done with very quickly. I found I couldn't start to grieve until the physical side was over and done with, so having it dragging on indefinitely wouldn't have been good for me at all. I was scared as never had GA before but I was knocked out for less than 30 mins. I will warn you, I was sobbing when I came round from it, the nurse said that's a very common reaction.

My DH was brilliant, so supportive throughout, however he has since admitted to me how tough he found it - he just didn't let me see it. Make sure that he is able to express his emotions somewhere, DH's friend went through a loss a few years ago so DH was lucky to have someone who knew what he was experiencing.

For me I was definitely more fertile following the miscarriage. It had taken me 5 months to get pregnant with the baby I lost. Had miscarriage in April, AF returned end of may and I fell pregnant that month. Am now 16 weeks and all is going well so far. My dr told me that unless there is an underlying reason for the miscarriage then you're not at higher risk simply because its happened before.

Good luck, its a horrible experience but I feel now that I'm stronger because of it.

Hi joosie,

I am also finding things difficult after this weekend where I started spotting and found out at 12.4 that had died at 8ish weeks. First two days were awful no sleep, crying, lost appetite, weak, panic attacks.

Have now made a conscience effort to support myself - cooked a real dinner, bought some of my fav junk food, drinking water properly, watching my soaps etc. Also, I took half an hour to write down all the things that the baby did have.... Loving amazing father, 2 aunties, dogs etc and how I will never forget - it was really hard to do but seemed to turn a corner for me.

As for telling people, that is hard for me as I told no one in the first place. Think I will tell my close family after some time has passed, they don't live near so I don't need to see them.

Be kind to yourself today as you haven't had much sleep as well, really feeling for you xx

Im so sorry Joosie, i have had 3 mc and i found that taking it one day at a time was the only way i could cope but i promise you it does get easier. The erpc is fine, i had no pain and only slight bleeding afterwards. Sending you a hug . Mrs ftn im so sorry for your loss, hope all goes well friday, sending you a hug too x

Joosie thinking of you. I don't think you are wimpy at all, it sounds like you've held it together incredibly well for your DD.
Don't entertain the guilty feelings - there is nothing you or anyone else could have done to change the outcome.
Taking the pressure off you by telling anyone who knew you were pregnant is one of the "practical" tasks you can delegate to DH, get him to send a text or email if he doesn't want to speak to them. It's fine to take some time just the three of you to come to terms with it before you face the world again, and it's fine to cry all over people if you need to.
Longer term you can decide if you want to tell the world in general or if you prefer to keep it to yourselves. I've had several miscarriages and only my parents and a couple of close friends know, I've found it easier to face work with a brave face on and I would find mass sympathy hard to deal with. On the other hand, I think miscarriage needs to be more talked about, you tend to find if you confide in people more than you'd think will have had a similar experience at some point.
I hope you can get your ERPC scheduled quickly and that the process is as smooth as possible.

Just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. Be determined to be kind to yourself and feel whatever you need to feel.
You sound like such a loving mother.

Hi joosie.

Like so many on here I too have been through this. And it's heartbreaking.

About telling people - I had told lots of people. I guess I didn't realise that the baby could die and you wouldn't miscarry, so by the time I had got to 10wks I thought I was ok. Anyway, I had a couple of close friends who knew I had slight bleeding (not enough to worry me, but enough to mention it iykwim?). I phoned one of them and said (and this phrase got used a lot) "I had my 12 week scan and it wasn't good news". I didn't need to elaborate. I then asked if she would mind passing the news on as I didn't want to text but couldn't have the same conversation over and over. Which she did. Do you have someone who could do that for you?

I was scared about going under ga too, but knew I didn't want to literally face the miscarriage and that I wanted to finish it as soon as possible. It was scary, I won't lie. But actually it was ok. They out a line in a vein in your hand, put an oxygen mask on and you fall asleep. As soon as I came round I burst into tears and asked a random nurse for a cuddle (which she did bless her!). But that was the start of everything lifting. A certain calm began to settle.

Take time to grieve, don't worry about anyone else. Just look after yourself, your DH and your dd.

I spent over an hour writing a lovely reply to you all this afternoon, and then the iPad lost it all as I dashed to the loo mid post. I could cry.

Since then, the cramping is getting really bad and I passed a big clot which scared me witless. I laid down while DH dashed out to get maternity pads and a maternity protection thing for the bed, but it feels like someone is squeezing out my insides. Ouch! I was hoping tomorrow would have it all done, but maybe my body wants it out before, which scares the hell out of me. I should've gone back to EPU earlier than I did. I felt pretty sorted and ok earlier, but now I feel petrified and in pain. Sorry to moan again but ooooowwwwww! X

Oh no I've just written a reply and then I read your post. I hope you have some strong painkillers to get you through. Don't think about what you should have/could have done - it may well be that they couldnt have booked you in until tomorrow even if you had gone earlier. I'm glad DH is with you and supporting you through this. You're entitled to moan as much as you like - it's a rubbish thing to go through and if you need to moan and cry and have a duvet day then we're here to hold your hand through cyberspace x

Am in pieces. Just sent DH to get stronger painkillers. Dunno if I can do this. Sitting here, tears streaming down face, stabbing and cramping pains every couple of mins, thinking I've got the whole night to get through before this is over. So petrified. Thanks for virtual hand holding. X

Oh joosie I don't know what to say. You will get through this and you will come out the other side stronger for it. The pain will hopefully pass before long. Have you got a hot water bottle or wheat bag you can heat up to try and ease it a bit?

Yes. It's clutched to my tummy as I type. I hope those pills DH has gone to get are effective quickly ....wimpy Joosie can't handle much more x

joosie. Painkillers, pjs, hot water bottle and bed. Unfortunately nothing we say can take it away, but it will go eventually. Hugs x

joosiewoosie I am really sorry you are going through this.
I just wanted to say that you can do it, because if I could, anyone can. I have started miscarrying on Monday evening. The pain was horrendous just for about an hour and a half. I am not the bravest person, quite the opposite.
For me, it really helped sitting under a hot shower (I actually had a bath but read afterwards you risk infection with that). I let the shower run for hours over me and the noise it made covered my thoughts so it helped in more than one way.
I hope you will be better soon, I wish you all the best and try to think about your dd and how lucky you are to have her.
And maybe this is for the best as you will no longer need to be put under GA this way. I was too scared of the surgery so I chose medical management.

Will be thinking of you tonight xxx

How are you Joosie, is the pain managed by the new tablets?

Hi all. I've just got home after visiting a and e. I passed baby in the loo about half an hour after my last post. It must've been contractions to get baby out that I was feeling. No wonder the paracetamols, ibuprofen and wheat bag were not cutting it.

The cramps eased up a lot after baby and a few big clots passed.
I rang mat triage who advised me to go to a and e, with baby in a container, to get checked for bleeding. Luckily, my brave and gorgeous hubby fished baby in its sac out of the loo and lovely sis came with me so DH could look after DD at home and keep some kind of normality for her after our awful time.

I had to wait in a and e as the gynae drs were all in theatre. But eventually I was seen. A quick speculum exam (yuk) and the dr said that my bleeding was not too heavy and I could go home until I'm called for a scan tomorrow to see if there's anything left in there that shouldn't be.

I felt huge sadness when I gave baby over, but I did get a chance to blow it a kiss from us and tell it we love it, which meant a lot, bearing in mind the way things have worked out.

So here I am, sitting in the kitchen eating some toast and drinking some milk (didn't feel like eating at tea time when was contracting!)

I'm hopeful I might sleep a bit tonight as I'm still working off my 2 hours from last night, but we'll see.

Thanks again for all your words of support. I'm hoping the worst really is now over and I will keep you all posted on what happens with the scan tomorrow.

I will be here for handholding for you if you feel the need xx

God Joosie, what a night for you. So sorry.
In a way it is good it was over fairly quick and you were also checked by a dr which is reassuring.
I have heard that sometimes they want to look at the baby and test for any abnormalities; some women are offered this option and some aren't, not sure if there is any criteria or it just happens randomly, but if that is the case, I really think it is good they offered it to you.

As much as you can, I hope you have a good night's sleep xx

Hi Joosie,
Just read the latest, what a horrible day. Sorry you had to experience this. I hope you are asleep right now recovering. I am glad you got to say goodbye.

All the best with the scan, my situation was very similar to this (without the horrid a and e bit) and I hope now, like me, the worst is over.

Well done for being so strong, I hope all goes well today x

Hope you got some sleep joosie and that the scan today gives you the all clear, so at least you know the worst of the physical bit is over with.