Feeling wimpy...please hold my hand

[joosiewoosie]

Hi all. I'm sorry to be here but I've read a few threads tonight and can see you are a lovely bunch, who might just hold my hand for a while? This is a very long winded and poorly organised brain dump, so I forgive you if you'd prefer to run away now!

I'm 40, was 11+6, and have been bleeding on and off for 9 days, and after my initial visit to EPU where scan showed the baby to be well, I've been trying to think positive (even though I've dreaded going to the loo).

I have a gorgeous 14 month old daughter who is the light if my life and who I suspect will be a great distraction for me over the next few weeks.

My bleeding became heavier yesterday and started clotting, so I went to a and e again to be referred to EPU, and it turns out that there was no heartbeat and baby had died inside me a week(ish) ago.

I need to let the EPU know in the morning how I want to 'tidy up' as it were. I think I'm going to go for ERPC for my own mental well being and to minimise disruption for my little girl.

DH has been good - he's always lovely. Men generally seem to be very solution focused and matter of fact. But I feel so confused at the moment and an emotional whirlwind. Before bed tonight, I was discussing things really objectively, yet I get to bed and now have just broken down while cuddling my sleeping daughter.

I came home after visiting my community midwife today and not hearing the heartbeat with the Doppler, and just made lunch for DD and I as normal. I wasn't even overly concerned about not hearing it. It was only when I started clotting that I worried properly and went to a and e. I guess I'm feeling guilty for not protecting/dealing with possibility of mc straight away.
Then poor DD was stuck in hospital waiting rooms with us from 2 til 6.30 with no tea, no toys and nothing to do. Considering that, she was as good as gold. (I was going to say an angel, but just realised that's probably more of an appropriate term for the baby still inside me )

I can't sleep. I keep seeing the picture in my head of baby all curled up and no heartbeat, and feeling waves of tears and huge sadness and emptiness. Reading these boards has been comforting and painful at the same time, and I'm so sorry for anyone going through the mill....it really is unfair and ought not to be.
But it is, and I know the sun will rise in the morning and a new day will begin. I know my lovely husband and daughter will hug and kiss me. And I know I will just have to ride this roller coaster out, but I'm scared. Scared of what was and what is to come.

If I can't get to sleep, I'm gonna be good for nothing tomorrow and DD deserves better than that.
I keep thinking of how I'm gonna tell people, and how to manage their reactions without turning into a wobbly wet jelly monster like I am at the moment. (Seriously, DH will need armbands to keep him afloat when he wakes up at this rate!)

I feel a little relieved at writing that all down. I'm sorry again for whinging on, and please feel free to read and run as I know there is nothing anyone can do to take the hurt away. But thanks for taking the time to read this anyway. Xx

Hi Josie, I too am going through this currently. It's just so unfair. There's nothing to add, I just wanted to say holding out my hand for you we can help each other up. Xx

Thinking of you for your scan today J. Hope the cramps have gone now.
They asked me at the scan if I wanted to see the screen and I said yes, it helped me to see that it had gone after seeing the earlier scan when we still had hope. Until that point I was still holding on to a tiny bit of hope that there was still a baby in there.

Hi all. Thanks again for all your support and lovely messages. Big hugs to all xx

I slept fairly well, between our little monkey waking up needing cuddles ( she's got a cold ). Gorgeous DH let me lay in this morning while he got up with DD, and I eventually surfaced at 9ish. I needed a few hours for sure.

EPU have given me an appt at 3.30 for a scan, so fingers crossed my body has done a complete job. I'm still cramping a lot, which is disappointing as it did ease, but if its helping me get all clear, then I guess it's for the best.

I've found mn to be brill support in all of my pregnancy crises: fab when we got high odds of DD having chromosome probs, fab when we had amino and the wait to find out, and again, just amazing support with our sad and horrible mc experience now. I can't thank you all enough. You are mumsnet, and I'll always be grateful xxx

Last update, I promise.

Went for scan yesterday where they found that not everything had gone...booo. I was admitted for a bit and for a while, after the first spec exam, they said they thought they might have to medically manage the rest of the bits out with that miso-wotsit medicine. I really didn't like that idea.

Anyway, then the registrar came round and had another peek and more of a jiggle (insert funny story re coughing and speculum shooting out here ). An hour of more contractiony type pains later and the remaining bit of placenta made an exit - phew. Contractions eased alot and then it was decided that I could go home and come back in 20 days for my check up. Hurrah!

I felt a bit rough this morning so lovely DH took DD out for a couple of hours and I rested and snoozed in bed. Since then I've felt much brighter and am feeling that perhaps I can manage this after all.

To anyone going through the worst bit as I was a couple of days ago, hang on in there. Ride the horridness out and look after yourself. Each day eases the pain a bit (although your brain might still say stupid things to you as if you are still pregnant sometimes - in my case - 'I need to look at those bags cos they might be suitable for a changing bag' - doh!).

Hugs xx

So glad it is all over and you are feeling brighter.
Look after yourself