The worst things people have said to you or said behind your back after a loss?

[TheNobodies]

I've had a few HEARTLESS things said to me, makes me feel so down. It's only been aimed at me and not my partner, which I'm glad because I cope better.

Some of you know me. I lost my Riley at 23 weeks, April 2012.
Followed by 2 early losses around 6-7 week in August and December 2012.

When I lost Riley I had to sign a form giving permission to break my waters because I was severely ill and could of died of infection. My Dad, Mum, Stepmum, Brother an ofcourse my partner witnesses this and was there through the birth. A month after losing Riley I found out one of my Dad and Stepmums friend said to them that I'm a Murderer and Killed my baby boy. Neither of them told me this and I had to find this out from my stepbrother. My dad denied knowing who said this.

When I lost my 2nd baby I found out my dad said "It was nothing anyway".

And last night me and my mum was on about my sister who keeps stealing saying how much shes upset mum and caused her heartache. My mums reply to this was "You've caused me the most heartache by lossing Riley". She said it like I asked for it. My mum also said a couple of months ago that she and everyone else in the family feel like their walking on eggshells around me!!!!! I asked others in my family about this and they said they didn't feel that way!!

Anyone else had people call them a murder or had anything else bad said to them?

Sorry, just come back to this thread now. Yes if I had been more compis mentis and less distressed, I would have def taken a note of his name and complained. However I wasn't in a state to do so and afterwards, couldn't face it. Mine wasn't even a mid/late loss but still hurts.

Wow. Op, what horrid people you have in your life
I am very sorry for your loss, no one should have to go through anything like that.

With my 3rd mc, which was after ds1 was born, my dp said "it's not like it was a baby though, it's nothing" Fucking prick. I'll never forget how unsupportive he wasthen.

Sorry for everyone's losses - just makes it worse when other people are insensitive. About 8 weeks ago I had a MRI & had to write down all the procedures I had in the last 6 months so included my ERPC. The guy conducting the scan had to go through my notes with me & said I didn't have to include the ERPC as it was "nothing". I said "I lost a baby. I don't think that's nothing".

Oh my god! ikklemisssunshine I'd complain if I were you! Coming from medical staff that's disgusting x

I know Mrs, at the time I was too upset & worried about my health to consider the unprofessional attitude. The nurse I was with excused his comment by saying English wasn't his first language & the point he was making that an ERPC was a "procedure" rather than "surgery". Still hurt though. Least the comment came from a stranger & not from someone close like the stories that are on here.

"well think how MASSIVE you would have been with twins"

from a friend after i lost my twins at 8 weeks

So sorry OP. Those comments are truly heartless :(

The only one I had was after a mc at 9 weeks, my sister told me 'I just have a feeling you're going to keep losing babies until you get married because this is something God wants you to do right'

Jesus, some people are complete shits. It's bad enough having to go through it without having these arseholes making it worse (just when you thought it wasn't possible).

thenobodies, you are so right. It's lonely as hell. A large number of people who we thought were close have avoided us. We lost one of our twin boys at 34 weeks then had a mmc at 7 weeks almost exactly a year later. We've had most of the comments mentioned above, but none so vile as you've had to put up with. I think one of the worst was "at least you have your other twin", like he's just a consolation prize. I did tell one thoughtless twat that I hoped to god they never had to go through it cos their words may come back to haunt them.

I am so sorry for all your losses, and I'm also sorry we've all been made to feel so awful at the hands of these people when what we really needed was their support

OP your family have been so cruel to you. You poor thing
I had a consultant tell me his daughter was infertile and would be grateful if she already had three children like I did, when I was seeing him to try and find out why I'd lost three babies in a year.
My boss told me it was "just a heavy period"
And my mother who didn't think I should be having another child said "oh thank God for that" when I phoned to tell her about my first mc.

I've had (from someone ever so nice who was trying to help) "maybe you need to cut down on alcohol and caffeine". I said "they cause one MC... I've had loads I think it's a more medical problem" and to be fair she took it on board.

Another person claimed I was making up health problems and lots of women have repeat MCs and molars. yes, lots. 1/100 and 1/600!!

I can't believe the comments I here. I've had two mcs. One mmc (first pg) and one very early (over Christmas. Great!) It is so hard. You grieve for all the possible futures your child might have had and all the special moments you will now never have.
You have all lost your children. My thoughts are with you all.

I am very sorry for all of your losses.

I lost at 11 weeks last November and a work friend said "oh, does that mean you'll be drinking at the Xmas party then? Was hoping you'd be doing the driving."

When I fell again another work colleague said "it was very stressful for me covering your workload last time, so please try not to miscarry again?"

My mum often says ' you got any news yet' I wish I did but no ooooh!
A friend of mine miscarried when I had my ectopic and quickly fell again, after telling a 3rd friend that person said ' it must be so good to fin out your pregnant when you want a baby'

Seriously! Some people!

oh OP and everyone else. What a bunch of idiots.

My MIL told me after my 9w loss, "it's a shame, it could've been a girl".

OP, I am really shocked at what you have written here. I'm so sorry you had to hear that.

I had loads of the usual, "It's probably a blessing in disguise", "There was probably something wrong with it", but the one I found most hurtful was from a friend who knew I'd been ttcing for years and had passed 40 and was sinking into despair. When I lost my long fought for and longed for pregnancy, she said, "Oh well, at your age something was going to happen, wasn't it?"

This is a sad thread. I sorry for all the thoughtless or unpleasant comments. I do think there is a difference between comments made with good intentions and the plain mean ones.

OP I'm so sorry to hear all of this!

after I lost my baby Y at 12 weeks ( MC ), my supposedly best friend (of 13 years!) told me it's better that way, she's actually happy that it didn't happen as it would have been really hard for me to cope with 5 kids!

WTAF? she said it to my face as well!

then she went on about how I can be quite miserable (that's true) and basically I caused this baby to die in order to have something to be miserable about!

what was so awful above and beyond the heartbreak of loosing that precious little girl of mine is that this friend was the one I told everything usually, but suddenly that friendhip was dead too.
and so I didn't only loose my baby, I lost my best friend as well and I had no one to really tell about either, while grieving for both losses.
it was a really shit time.
when I fell pg again I didn't tell her anything.

she kept on apologizing and as I believe in forgiving & forgiveness, I forgave her - I think - but she is a different person to me now.
It's been 4.5 years since and although we speak on the phone occasionally (she is godmother to DS2) I haven't seen her since.
I don't think I will ever be able to.

so sorry for everyone's losses.

As above... still sick of 'well meaning' pseudo medical advice from the daily mail most upsetting. No, it wasn't because ... I have a challenging job, I (when NOT pregnant) drink wine with dinner, I am 35 (so many people think over 30 = 50% miscarriage FFS way to steal hope and cause guilt), I live in London, I use nailpolish, I swim in public pools...

AAAARGH. Recurrent miscarriage is not caused by silly little things like that.

One which is a bit sensitive... fellow MCers who insist women who have lots of MCs with no kids are no more stressed/worried than those with kids. Sorry but it's not exactly the same. Whilst saying 'at least you have a kid' is heartless and cruel, the horrific fear of being childless added to all the heartache of miscarriage sometimes makes me angry that it's completely forbidden for me to express that fear on forums like this, because someone might mistake it for 'at least you have kids'. :(

squizita I think you should feel free to express your feelings without being worried about it being misinterpreted.
These forums are the place to express things that it's sometimes difficult to in real life,without fear of censure.
I have had 4 MC but I know I'm so lucky to already have 3 DC,my family being around me and having the kids to focus on has definitely made it easier for me to try to come to terms with miscarrying.
The grief of losing each baby though I think would be the same, to me it's a little human life starting at that point of conception so even if the loss is early it still is very painful. It's hurtful when people dismiss the loss implying it shouldn't matter because I have children already, as though it would have been greedy to have more but at the same time it is a consolation having them,I can fully understand that being childless brings it's own unique pain at this time.
I feel guilty about still longing for another baby and know I have to resign myself to the fact it's not going to happen now but it's hard to get over that "empty arm syndrome" when you've lost a baby.
I hope you get your THB soon xxx

squizita oh my darling, you have had a rough time!

Can I say that I read about a woman who had 5 or 6 MCs and somehow they connected these to the water she's been drinking - there was something in the lining of the pipes or the water itself, I can't remember
of course she had no idea!
thankfully once she had some treatment she was able to have at least 1 child.
she had a hair sample test for something else, which showed some toxicity. I wish I could remember what it was ( maybe lead? not sure)

sadly very rarely repeated MCs can be caused by environmental impacts, and usually the person is unaware for quite sometime.

so sorry for all your losses

and I didn't say that to argue!
you are right, most of the time there's nothing anyone could have done to prevent loosing a baby!
( sorry if my pp came out wrong!)

most 1st trimester MCs are caused by something going wrong with cell division / genetic problems.
well that's what my doctor said.

not sure what

MIL said to DH that she wished my SILs (her own daughter) child had died instead of ours because according MIL SIL deserved it.

We don't speak to MIL anymore.

ZingWidge yes it was a famous case in the USA, cited in Coming To Term by Jon Cohen. It is, in fact, the only case he could find (bar horrific chemical disasters or very high risk jobs they wouldn't let you do in the UK anyway)- researching a book of RMC - where environmental factors definitely caused recurrent MC, and it is a specific problem with certain metals etc' collecting in well water in certain areas of the USA. So now they ask women in those areas whether they drink well water.

Slimeprincess Gobsmacked. How awful to be that cold that instead of wishing sympathy on one child you can only wish misery one another!! Weirdly that one seems the worst thing ever to me... and the person on the end of the comment didn't even hear. But how could you wish something like that onto someone? Ugh.

yes squiz it must have been the same case.